Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

(((Lemoncake)))

Thank you. I've spent all week trying to give him the best week of his life. And wishing I could go with him.

I don't know... we didn't discuss it. He never brings stuff like that up, it has to be me that asks.

I think he probably wouldn't mind if I emailed him and (if he saw it) would reply... but if I did that the ashamed part of me would kick up such a fuss about how terrible I am for interrupting his holiday that I'd end up feeling **** and it probably wouldn't be worth it...

I don't know how I didn't realise before that he's away at probably the worst possible time. I could have at least talked with him a bit about it all if I'd remembered...

Dear T,

I'm going take a 6 month trip to the Galápagos Islands or maybe to the deepest darkest depths of Peru, with Paddington when you get back. Obviously I won't be able to check emails either, because I will be in the middle of nowhere. I hope you understand how important it is for me to take my break and to not pay you £1920.

I don’t feel in the slightest bit connected to you anymore. After days of longing to see you, now I don’t give toss.

A "see you at 5" text from you would feel really good right now...

T,
In regard to the upcoming work issue: I think I am so worried about this because of how I feel about myself. I feel like I would have done it differently if I could, if I had thought about who I am. I feel like this person is kind and caring and I wish I had said something to the effect of "this isn't a good idea" or something. I should have talked to her first. That would have been the most compassionate thing to do. That would have shown who I really am. Instead, I think and feel like I did the wrong thing. I think that at the time I honored the part of me that is moral, but the compassionate me is greater. I am afraid of how the reactions will be. But I am unable to forgive myself for doing something that could have had such major repercussions. I'm having trouble living with myself.

Dear T,
Hope you've arrived safely at your destination. Miss you, even though I just saw you yesterday--I think it's just the knowledge that you're in another part of the country for 4 days. Plus yesterday's session stirred up lots of thoughts and revelations that I want to discuss more. Not going to contact you though. I'll just type up my thoughts and share them Monday.
Love,
LT

Did you see what I wrote on the other thread? See? I do appreciate you. I know you see a lot of complainy me. But I do love you. I'm sure you know that.

Also. You said "take care of yourself". I will try.

Is it too late to apologise?

It's 1.30am. I can't sleep. The cat has gone missing. The cat never goes missing. I'm convinced she's dead. And if she is surely it's my fault. And it's because I ate. Perfect sense right, T?! Proof, more proof that this is all wrong. I am all wrong. I wish I'd been more honest today. I need to find the off switch again, regain control.

This person did something wrong and I had to report it. I reported it because it is what I was supposed to do, but I do wish I had done things differently. I was kind of shocked. But no, it's not too late to apologize. I'm really having difficulty with it in that she put me in a bad position

A good proportion of missing cats do come back within a week.

Our blind cat came back in two days.

T: I am so so glad I get to see you tomorrow.

Good session today, thanks for drumming for me. I'm going to call you tomorrow though because I want to clarify something - what you meant when you said "we'll have to look at what that means" or something when you mentioned how you got pulled into my 'soup' or whatever. Did you mean the comment you made today when I said I'd been thinking a lot? or were you referring back to a couple weeks ago when you said that thing that I felt invalidated by? I'm confused. We'll clear it up though I have no doubt.

We make one hell of a 'therapy team', you and I. I'm not going to want to say goodbye in October, am I?

T, this is ridiculous. I'm counting down the days and hours till next session (4 days and a bit)... and yet I'm terribly scared.

We already talked about this. Tons. In fact, you offered a 2nd session, so that the "real" contact would help me to hold on to the connection (which is there, I know). But I cannot take you up on this offer. Even though I appreciate it and I have to agree, that seeing you twice per week might be helpful.

So I guess, next week we will spend another session on the question why session #2 is out of question for me. Why I cannot even bring myself to call you when I'm really struggeling, even though you kind of implored me last session to give you a call when things are getting rough and that you'd call back asap. I don't know why those things are so immensely difficult all of a sudden. With former Ts I just called, and it was ok. We talked. We considered an extra session, if necessary, or discussed strategies for calming down. So why can't I call you? What am I waiting for? What am I scared of?

Where has my capacity for rational thought gone?

First session back after your long holiday. I felt like I was going to suffocate in the hour before, the anticipation was too much. My hands were sweating. In a way, I wanted to fast forward through the session so that, like a little hungry animal, I could snatch the memory of it and savour it in the safety of my room, away from prying eyes.

I could have melted into you. My words didn't come out right. I had to remind myself to breathe. Your gaze was a little too intense at times, it had me squirming. It was like my body was doing something that my mind hadn't condoned, I could have started shaking. I don't understand why I had such a strong physical reaction to your return--to you. But you grinned at me as if you were greeting a friend and everything was right again.

Did you notice? '

So glad I am seeing you today.

I am making an appointment with that T whose workshop I went to last year... The one with the same name as T1, about the same age... but more handsome and lovely.

This might be a f***ing terrible idea... I wonder what you will think.

I thought about u a lot today, I hope u think of me at least once!

You come back on the 27th and I want to stop counting days now.

I spent £6.80 on flowers and bought my sister a present too. I still have £29.31p left over from this week if I had seen you.

I get that you tried to be there for me, but I think you were naive to offer to be there for me when you clearly couldn't be. I think I trust you even less than before.

Hi Dr. S, I have the antsy need to email you. Nothing wrong. I know you are there. I know you care. Why does it feel like this weekend is going to be an eternity? love me

I'm sorry I wish you would email me.