[SarahSweden]

Today I got an e-mail from my T saying that she won´t continue seeing me. I e-mailed her earlier this week about how I felt scared that she was going to leave me and that I felt hurt about that she meant she wouldn´t call or try to reach me if I suddenly didn´t turn up.


I also mentioned that I reacted to that she last time said that one alternative was to continue seeing only my psychiatric nurse. (I´ve been very clear about that I see this psychiatric nurse only because to "qualify" for sick leave and that she isn´t a support for me.)

That was broadly what I said in that e-mail to her.


First she offered me another session saying it was perfectly fine to reschedule (because of my fear of being left) and I accepted the time she offered and said we will meet next week. This was Monday.

Now, Friday she sends me an e-mail and says she has spoken to her supervisor and that she can´t do anything more for me. That she wanted to prepare me that next session will be our last.

All she said to me about "all feelings and expressions are welcome" was of course just crap. There´s of course something she isn´t telling me as she firstly offered me a session next week, no talking about ending therapy. Then some days later she uses her supervisor as an excuse for ending it all together. Also, as she said next time is going to be our last and not offering me some more sessions to terminate after ten months of therapy tells me something is wrong.


I need support on this. I felt something was going on, somewhere deep down and I now know noone is to trust. Ever.

[here today]

So sorry. This sucks.

Do you feel comfortable asking her more on Monday about why she and/or her supervisor don't think there is any more that she can do for you? It may well be their limitations -- in my view they are very limited, unfortunately! And you may disagree entirely with their opinion. Probably will, even. But at least, then you might know some more -- about therapy and therapists and what you can trust them about and what you can't.

[SalingerEsme]

I am so sorry, and I would feel the same way if my T M sent me that email. I would be disoriented and crushed.

Will you say more about the last 3 months- maybe list some of the conflicts? I will go back too and read your posts.

In general my first impression from remembering your posts is that you do have a general conflicted feeling about this T that runs deep? Do you actually want to continue with her?This seems totally irresponsible of your T, and it gives you a chance to collect all your thoughts and see if you would be in better hands with someone else.

Either way, it should be your choice.

[feileacan]

I'm so sorry, Sarah. Honestly, I don't understand what's wrong with those therapists?? I mean, how difficult it can possibly be to tolerate this stuff you are telling your therapists? So you said you would be upset that she wouldn't call. Why couldn't you be upset about it? What's wrong with that? I'm really terribly sorry. I think many people here in this forum have felt that you have progressed a lot (to some direction?) and I feel sad that now when you could really do some work, the therapist just backs off.

[nottrustin]

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine why a therapist would even remotely think it is appropriate to give such information in an email.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine why a therapist would even remotely think it is appropriate to give such information in an email.

Such a great point. That alone seems negligent.

[SlumberKitty]

Oh my gosh...I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for your support.


During July and a part of August I didn´t see my T because she was on vacation. There haven´t been any open conflicts and I´ve been to every session after we started again after her vacation.


I appreciate you´re going to read my earlier posts.


Yes, there was some negative transference if you mean me feeling a bit abandoned during her vacation and also doubting if she could really help me with my issues. But there was no aggressive or angry manner towards her.


I think it´s hard to define if there was a proper bond, I felt it was based on my trust issues in general and that we had rewarding sessions. As late as before her vacation she told me she saw progress and that she wouldn´t continue if there wasn´t progress. Now just a few sessions she ends it.

She didn´t say anything about what her supervisor actually said but I have a theory around this whole situation:


She gets me attached by being very warm, sometimes offering me hugs. She gets moved by my story and my issues and shows compassion. When she takes a vacation I feel a bit abandoned and afraid she will leave me.


I tell her this and she feels she can´t handle I´ve gotten close to her and ends it. She lies and suddenly says she can´t do anything more which most therapy clients know is just a bad excuse for something else. (Unless there is a planned termination where both therapist and client comes to the conclusion that it´s time to end therapy.)

Now I don´t want to continue with her even if I answered her e-mail and said my intention wasn´t to end therapy but to tell her how I felt and talk that through. I asked her if there is a possibility we can find a way forward. But that was mostly for myself to know I´ve tried.

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I am so sorry, and I would feel the same way if my T M sent me that email. I would be disoriented and crushed.

Will you say more about the last 3 months- maybe list some of the conflicts? I will go back too and read your posts.

In general my first impression from remembering your posts is that you do have a negative transference or a general conflicted feeling about this T that runs deep? Do you think the bond didn't form properly, and you know that down deep and the T was told that too by her supervisor? Do you actually want to continue with her?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for your support.


Yes, I agree, this thing seems to be a recurrent theme in termination stories on here. Yes, I told her I felt hurt that it seemed she wouldn´t call me or try to reach me if I suddenly didn´t show for a session. I even told her that my first T left me in a similar situation like this one!

And she goes about and does the very same thing.


My therory around this is that she felt I came to close and she couldn´t tolerate it. That I reacted to her hugs and warm way of being towards me by feeling a bit abandoned when she went on vacation and then she can´t handle that.

Also, as she's a psychosyntheis therapist I´m not sure if she´s educated to work with transference and feelings "under the surface".

Originally Posted by feileacan

I'm so sorry, Sarah. Honestly, I don't understand what's wrong with those therapists?? I mean, how difficult it can possibly be to tolerate this stuff you are telling your therapists? So you said you would be upset that she wouldn't call. Why couldn't you be upset about it? What's wrong with that? I'm really terribly sorry. I think many people here in this forum have felt that you have progressed a lot (to some direction?) and I feel sad that now when you could really do some work, the therapist just backs off.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks.


I´m not sure if I´ll be able to see her as she has already delivered her decision. I´ll just end up crying in front of a person who won´t bother what I think nor feel. I won´t believe her reasons either way as a therapist doesn´t change opinions about being able to help a client from one day to another. It had been another thing if this had evolved during a longer period of time, perhaps bringing it up with me. But suddenly come to a conclusion she can´t help me are just lies.

Originally Posted by here today

So sorry. This sucks.

Do you feel comfortable asking her more on Monday about why she and/or her supervisor don't think there is any more that she can do for you? It may well be their limitations -- in my view they are very limited, unfortunately! And you may disagree entirely with their opinion. Probably will, even. But at least, then you might know some more -- about therapy and therapists and what you can trust them about and what you can't.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks.


I think this is because she just acts out of her own interests and she doesn´t care how I feel or how I will react. Therapists who act in a professional manner consists of a small minority compared to therapists who, when hitting a soft spot, just act in a way that suits them best.

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine why a therapist would even remotely think it is appropriate to give such information in an email.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry, Sarah...this sounds like it's all about your T, not you.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Today I got an e-mail from my T saying that she won´t continue seeing me. I e-mailed her earlier this week about how I felt scared that she was going to leave me and that I felt hurt about that she meant she wouldn´t call or try to reach me if I suddenly didn´t turn up.


I also mentioned that I reacted to that she last time said that one alternative was to continue seeing only my psychiatric nurse. (I´ve been very clear about that I see this psychiatric nurse only because to "qualify" for sick leave and that she isn´t a support for me.)

That was broadly what I said in that e-mail to her.


First she offered me another session saying it was perfectly fine to reschedule (because of my fear of being left) and I accepted the time she offered and said we will meet next week. This was Monday.

Now, Friday she sends me an e-mail and says she has spoken to her supervisor and that she can´t do anything more for me. That she wanted to prepare me that next session will be our last.

All she said to me about "all feelings and expressions are welcome" was of course just crap. There´s of course something she isn´t telling me as she firstly offered me a session next week, no talking about ending therapy. Then some days later she uses her supervisor as an excuse for ending it all together. Also, as she said next time is going to be our last and not offering me some more sessions to terminate after ten months of therapy tells me something is wrong.


I need support on this. I felt something was going on, somewhere deep down and I now know noone is to trust. Ever.

I am so sorry this happened to you, Sarah. I agree: your ex-T should have given you more sessions before terminating you so abruptly. I know how deeply hurt you are.
Kramar

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks.


I´m not sure if I´ll be able to see her as she has already delivered her decision. I´ll just end up crying in front of a person who won´t bother what I think nor feel. I won´t believe her reasons either way as a therapist doesn´t change opinions about being able to help a client from one day to another. It had been another thing if this had evolved during a longer period of time, perhaps bringing it up with me. But suddenly come to a conclusion she can´t help me are just lies.

I would feel this way too, and not go to hear some BS that would make the T feel better but not me. I know therapy endings are important though for closure and moving on so it might be important to go . In Sweden, is there a complaint process? This is a very sudden decision . I can't imagine it being in any client's best interests to be suddenly terminated in an email?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, what I believe has happened her is that she fostered attachment by giving me hugs and being kind to me and when I got "too" attached and afraid she´d leave me, she can´t handle that and chooses to end it all together.

I think this is too common and way too many clients end up where I am after reading a lot of posts here and elsewhere. I think many people talk about "your therapist isn´t your friend" but many therapists aren´t qualified enough to be aware of attachment going unhealthy.

When the attachment already has became unhealthy, too many T:s just dump their clients.


Also my T seems to think I´m dumb enough to believe she suddenly seen an "end" to her knowledge when I know it´s about she can´t handle me being too attached.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm sorry, Sarah...this sounds like it's all about your T, not you.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks cool. Yes, and termination is wrong all together as I see it as she said all expressions and feelings were welcome but when I reveal how I feel, she ends it.

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

I am so sorry this happened to you, Sarah. I agree: your ex-T should have given you more sessions before terminating you so abruptly. I know how deeply hurt you are.
Kramar

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. There is a complaint process but I wouldn´t go there as I won´t be referred to another therapist anyway.


This T who terminated me works within church and by that she could give me free sessions. But if I complained to the board of therapy ethics they wouldn´t be able to find me another therapist for free. They might suggest another T within their network but then I would have to pay full price and I can´t afford paying anything.

As this is about getting too attached I think her supervisor just adviced her to "get rid of me" as soon as possible or else I might act out on her. Which I never would but they might have used that as a reason to end abruptly.

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I would feel this way too, and not go to hear some BS that would make the T feel better but not me. I know therapy endings are important though for closure and moving on so it might be important to go . In Sweden, is there a complaint process? This is a very sudden decision . I can't imagine it being in any client's best interests to be suddenly terminated in an email?

[Wonderfalls]

If she can't handle you then she can't handle you which would make her a bad therapist for you. She may have been pondering this for some time but not wanting to freak you out by saying so--maybe she thought she could get past the problems she was having, but couldn't

That sound like I'm defending her, but I'm not. Presumably she took on the job alert to what it would entail as any good therapist would. My therapist promised he wouldn't leave me (if he could help it--he ended up retiring after a long time) and he said that was part of the patient-therapist bond: that the patient be the one to decide. Telling you in an email was just cold.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry, Sarah. I think it's unprofessional for a T to terminate via email and to give you only one session for closure. Just because you became attached to her is no reason for termination. I hope you find a more suitable T.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, I think it´s more likely that she hasn´t been aware of my attachment or aware enough and she needed to read it upfront to be able to identify it. She said as late as before summer that she wouldn´t let me continue as long as we had (then it was about nine months) if she hadn´t felt we made progress.


Now, after seeing her three times after her summer vacation and this happens she suddenly tells me she can´t help me anymore. That´s overly transparent as I of course understands she doesn´t want to work through the attachment and probably she doesn´t know how either.

From what you mention in your case I think a therapist at least should give the client a chance to meet before delivering a decision about termination. Even if the therapist sometimes might have own reasons to terminate and thinks he/she needs to.

Originally Posted by Wonderfalls

If she can't handle you then she can't handle you which would make her a bad therapist for you. She may have been pondering this for some time but not wanting to freak you out by saying so--maybe she thought she could get past the problems she was having, but couldn't

That sound like I'm defending her, but I'm not. Presumably she took on the job alert to what it would entail as any good therapist would. My therapist promised he wouldn't leave me (if he could help it--he ended up retiring after a long time) and he said that was part of the patient-therapist bond: that the patient be the one to decide. Telling you in an email was just cold.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, it goes against therapy ethics but from what one read here on PC and elsewhere it happens way too often. I think this T can´t handle or properly understand transference and attachment to that extent that she can identify it and know how to handle it. A skilled therapist doesn´t let this just happen but knows if a client is becoming too attached and tries to bring that up by talking about the relationship.

She just hides behind her supervisor and telling me her supervisor had advised her to end our therapy. She isn´t new to therapy and should have been aware of this, not offering me hugs and similar without knowing how it would affect our relation.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm sorry, Sarah. I think it's unprofessional for a T to terminate via email and to give you only one session for closure. Just because you became attached to her is no reason for termination. I hope you find a more suitable T.

[Taylor27]

Big hugs how terrible of your therapist to dump you over e-mail and to only give you one closure session. I would want her to tell me why. I think your therapist is in the wrong. Just because you shared with her about your attachment does not give her the right to dump you. You were not a threat and did nothing wrong. I can't believe a therapist would do this over e-mail I would ask her to give you a reason why shes dumping you as a client. Hugs

[LabRat27]

I'm so sorry.
I know this isn't really any consolation, but I know how truly awful and devastating that feeling is, and you're not alone.
I don't want to assume that I know exactly how you feel because it's different for everyone.
But I know that part of what made it harder for me was shame. I didn't want to tell anyone else because I felt like it said something bad about me. But this has happened to a lot of other people and it means that the therapist wasn't the right fit for you, not that there's anything wrong with you. If a therapist doesn't feel that they are qualified to help you or that someone else would be more helpful then it's their obligation to refer you out. My therapist compared it to a GP referring a patient out to a cardiologist if they had a heart condition because the GP knows they don't have the training and skills to help and there are people who are better qualified.

I know these words are easy to say but a lot harder to believe. And I know it hurts.
There are a lot of us here who know that feeling and you're not alone. Being able to talk about it on here with people who really understood and empathized and having that support didn't make it feel okay, but it helped me feel less ashamed and alone.
Hang in there.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks.


I´m not sure if I´ll be able to see her as she has already delivered her decision. I´ll just end up crying in front of a person who won´t bother what I think nor feel. I won´t believe her reasons either way as a therapist doesn´t change opinions about being able to help a client from one day to another. It had been another thing if this had evolved during a longer period of time, perhaps bringing it up with me. But suddenly come to a conclusion she can´t help me are just lies.

I agree what would be the point of going other than she may tell you why. I would find it to hard to hear the reasoning.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I agree what would be the point of going other than Shay tell you why. I would find it to hard to hear the reasoning.

I used to think it was important to go at the end and have a sort of closure. After ending with T3 earlier this Summer, which was a disaster, both the therapy and the ending, now I'm like, forget that! It wasn't worth all the pain. But each situation is different and it might be good to go and hear the why. ((hugs))