Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

T,

You know I'll be taking a life-defining exam tomorrow. We've been talking about it for the last few months.

I wish you would send me a message wishing me luck.... just to show you care... But I can't expect you to remember me on a Sunday, right? Only during 'office hours'.

Full grown adult here. So why do I feel sick to my stomach anxious about seeing you this week?

You can definitely get it for free at Planned Parenthood. They give free birth control too.

Would you consider asking your T to help/go with you to Planned Parenthood to get it?

Miss you so much it hurts

I see you tomorrow. But I really want to see you today. AND tomorrow. and the next day.

I don't want to see you anymore.

In my heart, I can feel your presence. Not all the time, but from time to time, I feel you near me. Last night, my friend randomly started playing that Metallica song on his guitar, and my heart knew it was a message from you. Did you see me cry outside your office earlier in the day? It was really pathetic, wasn't it?

My mind doubts, as always. But my heart knows. I know you are still around, and you check on me from time to time. I'm still sad anyway because I can't see you or talk to you or hug you. I miss you.

I wish I was one of the lucky people who could reach out on a weekend in a crisis but I can't.
Instead I'm sitting here, miserable as heck, although to be honest, you wouldn't care about any of this anyway.... I hope you are having a good weekend.

Last night I forced myself to call you. I felt bad leaving a message since your voicemail says to leave one if it's an emergency. It's not an emergency. I'm just sad and hurting - nothing new.

I appreciated that you texted that while you couldn't talk then you would've talked to me late that night, but I'm lame and go to bed by 9.30. I wish you'd call me today, since we couldn't talk yesterday. I can't make myself bother you again. Not when I have my usual appointment tomorrow... I don't know what I want from you anyway.

I feel like a baby. Like a burden.

i miiiiiissssssssssss yyyyyyyooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu aaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I’m sorry I texted you so much today. I just really want to talk to you.

I don't have an appointment for 4 more weeks. I really need an appointment. But I'm too scared to call and try to get in earlier. And even if I managed that, I'd be too scared to actually talk to you at the appointment...so why would I need an appointment? Eff.

when am I supposed to stop therapy? if bipolar is a chronic illness, I'm never truly "better," am I? so am I supposed to go for the rest of my life?

You will have periods of being better. Yu will be able to take breaks from threat, and you will likely stabilize more as you get older.

This is an opportunity to stretch yourself. Go 'for it. Whats' the worst that can happen>

Sooo. You aren't answering my texts now. I know they are stupid needy texts framed in a sceduling way just so you will see me. I hate that there is only you and push everyone else away.

I've got Session at 12. I hope them shelves have been dusted or there be consequences.

The mask broke on Friday, and reconstructing it appears to be a slow process. Looking forward to Thursday afternoon.

idk what to do. Walmart doesn't sell the $8 plan b pill that I saw on their website. I talked with the pharmacist n everything. I only have $12 til Thursday and by then it's too late. Walmart sells a $35 one but obv I can't afford that

I saw ppls posts abt planned parenthood. but the one near me isn't open Sunday and Monday (today)

I asked the guy I slept with to help me pay for the pill at Walmart. he said I need to leave it up to fate and he like actually wants me to have his baby. he said it will be awesome

UHHHH. I think abt killing myself every 5 minutes tbh

I'm so ashamed of myself it's my fault

...is there a county or city/town health office or clinic nearby? (might be called something like _____ department of health). Could you check with your T maybe? Also, is the reason you're particularly concerned because of where you are in your cycle? Hope you're OK...

Omg it's gonna be so cold (and dark) for our next walk, and so the fun walking season begins again LOL

i'm not ok.

T, I somehow didn’t expect you to do this to me again, to hurt me like this. I feel so sad and alone. I’ll never have what I need. Never. I’m scared that now that I’ve been honest, you’ll take away even more from me over the next few weeks. Probably you will. I know I’ve made you angry.