Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

I feel like a broken record, but I love you and miss you.

Today, while I was thinking about you in the shower, I called you daddy. I know that's weird and creepy. I'm sorry. I also know you wouldn't really mind. You would understand.

You cared about me more than my biological father ever did.

It only took one idiot to destroy my entire life. Or did he get help from others?

Sorry know it's not form to respond to these posts but I had to try and provide comfort. Calling your late T daddy is not weird or creepy. I do that, I used the exact word weird but I added pyscho.

My doc said no, he doesn't use that word, it's not weird, it's just a safe way I've found to deal with my emotions. He said don't beat yourself up about it.

Of course he's too careful to say it now but I guess if in 6 months or 1 year am still doing it and stalled with growth in therapy and stsyed in some sort of dependencd daddy phase then we talk again. At the moment it makes me feel secure and enables me to press pass my comfort zone in real life. Like a crutch I'll eventually discard cause an doing my physiotherapy exercises! So don't beat yourself up - you've got enough on yr plate with grieving.

What are those stack of books piled high between your desk and your filing cabinet? And why do you have them facing away so that I can’t see their titles? They are in my direct line of vision, and you have said that everything in therapy has a reason. So what’s the reason? I feel like you’re saying, “Look at me. I read books. But I’m not going to tell you what they are.”

I hate how I'm never good enough. Never have been, never will be. I do appreciate you at least trying to make me feel like I matter, a small bit. Somewhat nice.

Feeling good.Now I really really don't want to come to the next session. You'll ruin my good feelings.
See you tues

I don't know what I'm doing.

NOW youre truly my mini-me!

Proof that you're me but from the future just like Admiral Spock?

I emailed R yesterday telling him that I really wasn't turning up. I Spent most of today in a stupid crazy low phase trying hard

and feeling trapped and wanting to just detach from him and everything and not show up. Now all I want is him at this moment.

TRIGGER WARNING: negative things about BPD because I Have it and hate myself.









I HAVE BORDERLINE PD, along with social anxiety and accompanying paranoia. I wrote Borderline in all caps because of it's stupid ****ing stigma, that's how I feel right now. I feel like a stupid disgusting clingy freak. I feel like a big ****ing nothing. I feel terrified. The parnoia part has led me to feel even worse.

I"M so sorry I cant' do this by myself. I am sorry I am freaking out right now, T , and I texted you over and over again. BUT I NEED HELP. DO I just need it for attention to feel better??? NOT THAT I AM AWARE OF. I feel like all of this/whatever this is is all of my fault. I really, really have tried the best I can do be a human being but obviously a Borderline is all that I can manage. I'm hopeless and can't change who I am nor can I change how I feel. T has been great to me and this is still me. I don't want to be me anymore, no matter what. I'm done. All of this struggle is not worth anything because I can't work or help people when I am so ****ED UP. I understand everyone else's point but now I am taking the reigns. How unfortunate, as I don't know who I am. I have pushed and pushed and pushed myself to work year after year, and day after day I have struggled and did a great job most of the time, sometimes not. BUt lately, I have just been me. I'm ****ing me and I ****ing hate it with a passion. Right now I Feel like I have to stand up for the real me that I hate. I would like to call you ,T, but I am afraid I'll be bothering you and I don't want to do that. SO Monday, I guess I"ll try and tell you all of this.


I cant' help that it drives me crazy if you don't answer the phone quickly. IT's NOT your fault, but I haven't chosen this path. YOu have every right to leave. I am STUCK with this ******** called me. I ****ing HATE myself with every thing in me, I swear. I ruin relationships, jobs, etc. all the way. I wish I was a better mother, wife, a better person to me, at work, blah blah.


I am NOT a bad person. However, I am an angry person right now. I am prepared to get rid of many things I am used to, know, and love because of me, something is wrong with me and I'm sick of it negatively impacting everyone. I think the meteor in Tunguska had fewer casualties. I might end up alone, but as long as I have a way to live, even meagerly, I will just be alone (except for Hand D). Then I won't have to worry about the negative side effects of me. Nobody will have to worry about me calling them/texting so much. (I know you don't complain about that. This isn't about you at all) It is about me and what I can and can't handle. I may be lonely but at least I won't feel guilty. I can't do this anymore. I need a plan that doesn't put me in harm's way. Or whatever else if you have any ideas. I can no longer do this much longer. Not sure what the plan is.

I'm considering re-evaluating where we sit...funny that it took a public speaking workshop to make me think about that, but anything that helps me feel less alone with it all has to be a plus, right?

I'm in the same boat as you. The self hate reaches a peak then I crumble. I watched a youtube video today entitled "never marry a borderline woman".

You are NOT a bad person and you're doing the best you can right now, nothing more nothing less. I'm sorry T hasn't got back to you yet and I hope you hear back from him quickly. Is there anyone else you can call in the meanwhile?

Psychology Today has a BPD article in its current issue about how wonderful relationships can be and how stabilizing if done right, and some awesome statistics on its successful treatment. . I don't have BPD, but I definitely don't stigmatize it.

"About suffering, they were never wrong. . .
the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on."

I want to see you so bad. I texted you today to see if I could just swing by. I desperately wanted a reply and you're very often in your office on Saturdays. I will have to wait until Monday and see you in class. I'm dying to give you this letter before I chicken out.

You overstepped your bounds and I am the one paying for it. Too bad you didn't think first.

You may be good at convincing some clients but I know the truth.

TRIGGER WARNING


I keep on going through the motions. I'm sick of it. Sick! I am in no way stable. I wish I didn't exist. Everyone has helped me so much and I appreciate it, but I just don't think I deserve it, honestly. And then I just don't want to be/feel anymore. I am sick of fighting. I am so far from normal and I go through the motions (or emotions), and I'm back at hating myself. I'm back sick of myself. I just want to rip myself to shreds so there would be nothing left. In no way am i trying to get attention, I actually feel this way. Ugh. I might go to Switzerland, who at the time has legal euthenasia. I am not sure of the rules, but I think you need to be there a certain amount of time. Hopefully these are just my negative thoughts.

Dear T,
I'm really missing you right now. I don't know why. I just am. I even had a good talk tonight with H about what we discussed regarding D on Thursday. Though...maybe that's related to why I miss you? I don't know. I'll just sit with it though. No point in emailing just to say "I miss you but don't know why and don't know what I want you to say." So...see you Monday.
Love,
LT

I hate myself. I'm tired. I don't deserve you and I don't deserve to be alive.
So bye.
I love you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for acceptance. I'm glad you exist. Please take care.

Dear T,
I am so afraid you are going to get rid of me and be sick of me. I feel like the lowest form of human around. I totally trust you but have difficulty why you would keep me on as a patient. I have felt like you do like me as a patient, and I am horrified by myself. I am horrified that you will see the horribleness of me. I just hate myself. This isn't you, it's me. I go through this wherever I go sooner or later. Sooner or later it's like I somehow **** everything up. I love you as my therapist and fellow human being. I really don't want to be a nuisance. Please be straight with me MOnday. If you want me to leave, I will. I wish I was normal and not me. I hate being me.

Did anyone ever diagnose you? I seriously believe you are a sociopath. I guess you can't get help for that or can you take medication for it?

I just sent you my letter. I’m so scared.

May it all come back to you. The manipulation, the LIES, the worthless conniving, the disruption of life, the back-stabbing, the relationship failures, all of it right back at you.

I looked you up on a professional register and I found out your middle name.