Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

Loved It! I liked hearing that a major function of secure attachment is that it regulates emotions. I think he has a video about the therapeutic relationship also, which is a lot shorter. Since my diagnosis involves emotional dysregulation, it now makes sense why I am so attached to my T and why when we are both okay that I feel more grounded.

Why did you say I appeared nervous. That made me nervous. I hated today. I can't talk about this any more there is no solution. If I stop talking about it then i can stop thinking about it.
I want to cancel the next appt.

I miss you so much. Are you going to think of me on Thursday like you promised? I don't know how to get through the next forty-one hours.

Thank you, it helps to know you understand.

((((((hugs LT))))))) Try to give yourself some space and time. Sometimes the emotions at the moment feel so overwhelming and terminating seems like the only option but I think with a little time and a little distance you may feel differently. Just give yourself time before making such a big decision. (((((hugs LT))))))) I'm sorry you feel so badly. Kit.

Dear Tony the Tiger T: what the heck was that last night? Asking me dumb stuff like what I can do to make myself happier. Lady, I'm doing everything I know how to do. If I knew what would make me better I would do it. I think you don't know what to do with me. You talk about random stuff. I don't feel emotionally connected to you at all. You probably don't even care if I . I'm trying to talk to you about how scary the hallucinations can be and you're asking me what brings me peace. I'm missing the connection. Then I don't even see you until December 5th! Dude, that's a month away. So what am I supposed to do until then? Seriously I don't know if this is working. But I don't know if I have the strength and energy to find a new T after I spent the summer finding you. Ugh. I wish I could just have my former T back. Kit.

Dear T,
Help. Save me, and yourself, from myself.

T, we really need to stagger our gigantic life events/crises better. Yours are a little more stressful than mine at the moment, but I did have these dates booked out way in advance. I'm glad you're making every attempt to see me this week, though. I think I'll feel better just being in the same room with you. Or on the phone if we have to, although I really don't want that.

Turns out you told me you planned on sending me a message wishing me luck, but you got home late and forgot it. Guess the intention is what counts, right?

I miss you so much my heart breaks.

I’d like to see you tomorrow but I’m starting to toy with the idea of no-showing. When will this nonsense stop?

So, last week I felt you were being evasive when I asked why some folks get PTSD and others don't. You hesitated, then asked why I needed to know the answer to that question, which felt like you were avoiding telling me I'm a total f** up. So I pressed on, asked you outright if you thought I was a TFU, and you hesitated again.

Being the neurotic mess that I am, I perseverated on it all week. So, today, I brought it up again, and asked you directly if I was broken. And there was silence. A lot of silence. And finally, you said that the idea of being broken was "my perception". And your delay in response is because you were thinking about how to respond to "my perception" that I was broken. Yeah, right. And then you said it wasn't your job to fix my perception of being broken, and there was no way to know if I would ever get better.

Would it have been the worst thing in the world to say that I'm not a total loser? I would have settled for some psychobabble to make me feel better.

I would have even settled for a lie.

And I am so ashamed of myself. I'm a grown woman, literally begging for a tiny kibble of support.

Sadly no... the clinic wouldn't even let me email my T when I was studying abroad. I understand -- there are only 10 therapists at my school of 25,000 students, if we were allowed to call and email they would be overwhelmed... still sucks though.

If I am having a crisis during business hours then sometimes I can have a crisis appointment but it's with whatever therapist is free, not necessarily my therapist. And it's never right away, you could wait hours or even days. And who conveniently has crises during business hours, anyway?

Anyway... thanks for caring

I remember seeing you a week after the 2016 election. I could tell all anyone had talked to you about for the past week was Trump. I was disheartened but mostly accepting and didn't dwell on it with you.

Now I'm gutted after these elections but I can't see you until after Thanksgiving. It's so unfair that I will have so many feelings about so many things these next few weeks and then only have one hour to talk to you about it. I can't wait for winter break to come when things slow down and you have less clients.

if you ever moved to private practice...... I would follow you anywhere.

Miss you. See you later.

Just one more day to get through.

seeing you today
I made a list of things to talk abt
I hope I don't get there n freeze up again =[

Love you, thank you.

Them shelves weren't dusted. I'm going to have to rethink this whole relationship.

I'll try to say bye next time, I'm so done.
My "mental ilness" will kill me, but I don't want any meds

Somehow I gotta really open up about this depression. It's becoming unbearable. It's just so hard to burden you with my crap. Job or not, I don't think anyone should have to listen to me whine about my life

I'm actually feeling okaaaaaaaaay. I'm officially half way through the syllabus for surgery and I'm reviewing stomatology again as I've already finished that. With pharmacology i'm on topic 11/50 and would obviously need to go over everything again, but here's the funny thing I'm not feeling stressed or panicking about exams. Maybe I need emphasis on the word yet. xD

I'm going to the cinema with Jo today to watch the new nutcracker movie. But gosh do I miss my youngest sister and I'd rather go with her as awful as that makes me sound. She's MY person- you'd get that if you watched grey's anatomy. She literally feels like my baby because I've always been a second mother to her, but I'm not there for her like I used to be and I haven't been since I started school.

I previously decided that I wouldn't go to the house this year for Christmas, but I checked fights today. They're not as crazily priced as they previously were. I could be there for 10 days if I leave on the 21st but return on the 31st. Or maybe i could do 4 days less so 6 days in total if I leave on the 24th. I don't have dates for surgery but it might still be around the 15th so I'd still have time to prep then just pharma at the end which is the biggest exam.

I know it's not a good environment for me to be around, but it's not so easy to be an island. Would you call this self sabotaging- but hey I just don't like the idea of being alone at Christmas.

I'm going to email you the same thing I posted here many moons ago.

well I was gonna cancel today but I asked for a phone session instead. now I wanna cancel that. I have anxiety about seeing you, about me shutting down, you getting frustrated again, and me being distraught for a week again

((((RaineD))))