Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

T, that was the MOST AMAZING session we've had in a long time. I felt like I actually brought something to the table instead of just listening to you lecture me. I actually feel a little hope for our work going forward.

Hang in there, JDNA. You'll get through this.

I see you later tonight. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'm kind of also wondering how I am going to be able to fill the hour--do I have enough to talk about? I guess I do. But can I actually do it? Kit

Dear T,
Of course I’m obsessing about the care thing...but I’ll just talk to you Thursday about it. That will give you time to think about it. I suspect I know what you’ll say, but... still I suppose I should focus on actions, not semantics, right? Like maybe this is a boundary thing that has nothing to do with me at all. Or how much or little you care about me. I will try to just think about the evidence that you care. Instead of needing the words.
Love, LT

Religion The old saying, "Actions speak louder than words" apply. I think that it's hard to know that someone cares without hearing it sometimes, but I think that really deep down, I know the people that care about me even when they don't say it. It's hard to hold onto. I think the best of both worlds are both actions and words. Not sure if its helpful, and certainly don't mean to be offensive. Just my two cents. Hope it helps. Kit. ((hugs))

Dear T,
If you terminate or yell at me, I understand. I'm probably not allowed to call, but I did. Maybe I want you to terminate because I can't do it myself...
LT

C. I found out today that one of my classmates is your supervisee. Perversely, it made me miss you. It was hard to confront the fact that you still exist. I suppose a part of me does still love you after all. How stupid. I am jealous that she gets to see you.

She said you are 'very analytical'... which certainly doesn't surprise me. And you call yourself a humanist.

I wonder if you ever think of me. I suppose not, at this point. It's been more than a year, hasn't it?

R. I miss you so much and it is weird and stupid that I can't contact you and tell you that and tell you that I'm so anxious about the appointment on Thursday and I don't know how I'm going to do it without you. Do you still exist?

M. You're lovely and I really can't be arsed to get all attached to you and yet I know it's going to bloody happen and I'm dreading it. For f***'s sake.

(((((LT)))))

Dear T,
I hate myself so much. I appreciate your email response to my voicemail but I get the sense you won't change you stance. apparently "I care about you" is just too much. Which...whatever. Maybe I can't deal with that. Maybe I just need to terminate. I don't know...

i get to see you tomorrow.

Had a rough 2 weeks but finally felt better .I hope having therapy tommorow doesn't send me back in to a tail spin..if you ask if I want to take longer between appts.,I hope I have the guts to say yes. It's been a year. It's getting time to move on.

suicide tw

I know your school's clinic has really restrictive policies on how you can contact your T. But is there any way for her to give you her email address or something? Or is there any way for you to see her more frequently, like once a week instead of every three weeks?

I'm hoping there's a way for your T to give you more support. This is crazy--not being able to see her or talk to her when you clearly need her. Can the clinic or your T make exceptions for emergencies?

Argh I miss you. I still don't know whether this is worth all the agonising love-sickness and I still don't feel convinced it will ever change. I wasn't ready to talk to you about that last week but I might be this week.

to the posters that have responded to my dear t posts:

my coworker got a cash advance from our job and went and bought me the $35 plan b pill. I'm paying her back Thursday when we get paid. I took it yesterday, all seems ok for now

I'm extremely grateful for her. I'm grateful for my job and my ability to make some friends now and connect w people. before I was so isolated I didn't really speak to anyone... even at my first job it took me a year to talk to my coworkers casually

so yes I'm ok. thankful. and going to be safer if there's a next time.

I feel this way a lot and it drives me to basically harass my t sometimes. attachment is so hard. I want it but I don't

made me laugh....

Session in 5 hours and 14 minutes.

Radiology class at 1pm to help distract me.

Dear T,
I hate myself so much. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why can’t i just accept “I care about your success”? I’ll just terminate so you won’t have to deal with my crazy self anymore. And so I won’t keep not getting enough from you.
LT

LT,

Honesty there is NOTHING wrong with you.

You're not crazy for feeling the way you do. I would feel the exact same way if R said that to me. Try to go easy on yourself right now and give yourself space before taking a decision.

Don't call my feelings "transference"...
So you think they are not real? I know, therapy is a lie, you don't care about me, you hate me and so on. This is very painful. Nevermind.

But my feelings are real. Okay? I love you. Do you even know how painful it is when someone you love hates you? You don't care. I know. It's my problem. What am I trying to say? Idk. I'm in pain. I feel hopeless.

I hate myself for being so miserable and disgusting. I'm sick of myself. I have no one to talk to. I want to stop existing

Your emotions don't have to make sense. (Although they make sense to me). It is completely valid for you to feel upset that your T will only say, "I care about your success." He isn't getting the emotional component. In my experience, one can't heal emotional trauma from intellectualizing. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Dear T,

I'm watching a Dr. Allan N. Schore talk on youtube."Modern attachment theory; the enduring impact of early right-brain development. "

60 minutes exactly.

One small way that I know that I've changed- I don't have that long negative talk in my head calling myself stupid when I get questions wrong in class. It's no big deal.

I looooove alan schore.

He's actually very calming to watch and explains things without all the unnecessary jargon.

Are you keeping track of my mini me brownie points?!