Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

(((JunkDNA)))

You said all the right things and I still want to hurt myself and I still don't really understand why

I want to email you but I'm not allowed because you're not my T anymore

(((Luc))) That's hard. I'm sorry. Kit.

I was touched, (and quite surprised) when you said you want to coordinate your holidays with mine so we don't end up booking them consecutively like last year. You actually said you would have booked your holiday differently if you had known. That's very thoughtful, and, since you obviously can't do that with every client, makes me feel a bit special.

I just want you to know I appreciate all your hard work with me especially over the last you, a light in the tunnel is what I compare you too

I only mildly felt the urge to contact you after our session today. And I didn't. Maybe there is a middle ground.

It would be very nice if you could magically turn into the person you claim to be. I would very much like some support.

I am really, really angry and disappointed with you tonight. I wish I could send you a detailed email as to why, but...the whole dual relationships thing makes that not an option.

I am fuming. What you did tonight was unacceptable.

Dear T,

You asked me tonight if I was concerned about what I did the other night and I said no. Truth is I'm scared of where my mind leads me and what I end up doing just to handle things lately. I fear I'm on a slippery slope.

Hi M.

I’m really looking forward to talking with you tomorrow!

It’s been an eventful and trying week, as it seems the last few have been. THIS ONE though, I believe that I may get a high five from you!

I stepped up to the plate and held my ground. The dust hasn’t settled yet and I’m fighting the guilt but I feel very strong in my conviction.

We’ve talked about this before and I think that you will be really encouraging about it!!

I have to just hold my ground and I’m exited to be at this place!!

I can’t wait to talk with you about it tomorrow!

Thank you for helping me get to this hard place!

You. Are. Awesome!!

Trail.

I’m upset with you and I don’t like it. Why would you say that?

Hi, if you're there, could you help me be my best self tomorrow? I really need some help right now. I'm sad, and I miss you so much.

Hiiiiiiiiiii.

I feel mostly good after seeing you yesterday. I hope I can hold onto that feeling.

Dear T,
A tiny part of me wants to show you my thread about you on here. I suppose that would be mean. Actually, you'd probably just dismiss it all, saying these people don't know you. But I give fairly thorough reports of our sessions and shared parts of your emails, so it's not like have a completely inaccurate view of you. Maybe I need to talk about the part of me that wonders if they're right about some of it...I feel today could be an "important conversation" as well. I need to figure out if I want to continue working with you, if you can really help me with some of these issues. Because I think continuing to bump up against your somewhat arbitrary boundaries isn't going to continue to be helpful. I need you to not just avoid being ex-MC but to actively help me in getting out of certain patterns. Can you do that? I know many people would say you can't but I need you to tell me...
LT

Do what you have to do LT and we'll be here either way. I personally don't think it would be mean to show him your thread. I think it could help him understand better. Or you alternatively could copy your replies to certain posters .

I don't think I can bring myself to talk to you about these feelings and thoughts that make me want to hurt myself
If I hurt myself you'll want to know why
I won't lie to you
But somehow I don't think you'd just let it go if I said I didn't want to talk about it
****

I wonder what you would say if I told you a Miley Cyrus song makes me think of you.

I never really believed in therapy, but where I am now I genuinely feel happy. You're were my T even when I was being difficult and deliberately picking fights with you and telling you were stupid and that even your face irritated me. You're were my T even when I was acting out and when I brought you squashed honey cake you still acted like it was awesome sauce .

I think I'll cancel next session. I'm so tired of talking about this. I need a break. I have to deal with her mess everyday,I don't want to rehash it every other week

I want to make you proud. Would you help me make you proud? I know you'd be proud if I do the best I possibly could. And I know you'll help me be my best self. I love you. I will always love you.

G'dammit T. I don't even have words to write here. So much feeling but no words.

I’m thinking about quitting. I know I won’t, but right now I really want to. I’m sure things will change by next week tho.