Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

What happened with the reflective listening showing through? "I hear you saying". . .not like you. You are usually sincere-seeming. You could have been thrown off by the tears or just the opposite too busy to prepare for the session. I can't mind read (bad) or mentalize (good), when simple techniques show through bc I get flustered and self conscious. Tuesday seems far away, and I am the kind of tired that 45 minutes can't fix, even with you, the half poet and half Boy Scout T. You've strayed into the rescuer part of the k triangle, yet you don't see it. I want to curl up in the palm of your hand and be rescued, but no one can be rescued . I am trying to keep eye contact with you , eyes away from the past, the metaphor kind of eye contact, because you asked me to. Eye contact takes two though, and have you forgotten about work right now? I am your work, so you might not be giving your blue gaze to me, but more to your real people. I have my own real people, but you are heightened, you represent safety, and you want me to think of you.

Dear T,
Thank you. That really helped. It’s still all sinking in, but...it really helped. Now to find the courage to actually talk about it with him...But you’ve given me a good foundation. And made me feel validated and understood.
Love you,
LT

Thank you for replying today. I trust you. You love me anyway. I know. Thank you.

Hey T. I truly hope you can navigate this with me safely. You say you can, so I guess I have to trust it, eh?

Well T and all of those of you who think I am so strong, well life won and I lost. I am so friggin done. I am done trying, done caring and fighting. In the end nothing matters. I am not worth fighting for.

T to me:
You can heal from this, but you are right, it is too complicated for email. It has to do with telling your life story differently - not changing the facts, but changing the way you assess it.

There is a lot.
You are in my thoughts,

Me to T:
What? Changing how I assess it? Like, not view myself as a victim?

But I hurt sooo much! I don’t feel like a survivor or thriver. I feel victimized, powerless and angry! Every turn I try to make to regain my power gets blocked. No victorious civil suit. Not able to give lectures or TEDtalks, no happily going on with my life...no closure..no mediated meetings with the perp.

Even if I tried to DECIDE I would only view the positives...I STILL get flashbacks & triggered. DEPRESSION and ANXIETY come and TAKE me. I don’t even have a stable home where I can recover..if I can recover. I keep getting knocked off my feet. I still get the blame and have fingers pointing at me detailing how I ****ed up and how I should have known better. I don’t have control of that.

And the truth is, I said ‘no’ to ONE thing. But how do I discount all the decisions I said, ‘yes’ to? Am I not to blame for them? I said yes to taking my daughter and mother to see him. I said yes to the civil suit, I said yes, yes, yes, yes, I’ll move to (that city), yes, I’ll divorce a husband with a stable job. Yes, I’ll quit nursing school and stop trying to further my education.

I said, ‘Yes!’

Emdr T, if I drink myself to oblivion and fall down the stairs and died would you care?? Life goals!!! Would it be considered an accident or suicide,??

Dear R,

>51 days = for my first exam.
>3 days, 4 hours, 27 minutes and 44 seconds until tuesday's 5pm session.

u don't exist

Dear T, I'm grateful to be able to continue to work on what I want and how to go after it with you. Your lack of judgement where you could say "get on with it already" or "what the heck is actually stopping you" is very helpful to me. For me to own the space and time to focus on myself is mostly what I need to focus on. And one day I really will tell you that I want to be in a relationship again, but I'm afraid that once I say it, I'll have to take some steps to actually make that happen, when I'd prefer to have it delivered to me like with Prime shipping.

I feel like I am too much for you. If so, just tell me. I really tried while you were away and I was successful at times. I felt grounded when things were good at work. BUT as soon as I hit a difficult time, which there frequently seems to be, I become more clingy. I thought, as usual, that I should ask you for an extra session. But I don't want to drive you crazy. Something is really wrong with me. I just don't understand. I feel like I am not in control of myself. I am trusting you to know when you've had enough of a taxing client like me, that you would tell me. I have such a hard time believing that I am not too much for you, because I am waaaayyy too much for me. But you can leave, and I want you to do that if you need to. I so badly want to be a normal person and to not be like this. I know now that I don't have much choice in this. I think alot that I need to quit, that this would be the answer. But I love what I do and I *might* think I am good at it. It makes me feel successful. And if I quit, I would feel horrible about myself because it would make me totally dependent on H. But I can't take situations like this. I am looking at other jobs, but??? I don't want you to feel trapped like Previous T did. I don't want to be a negative entity to anyone anymore.

Somebody said to me, in relation to you "parts of you are in love with him, probably". I think that's true. And I have a duty to take care of those parts.

The one thing I really love about out of office stuff, is I can truly "be in the moment" with you. No notes, no over thinking, just be..... and It's not often I am like that with anyone. I wish we could do more stuff like that.... who knows what things I'd be more willing to share

Jeff Bezos delivers everything else, why cant he do this?!

I made you something

stop this MATT.

I want to stop therapy because I feel like crap after. Why keep doing this to my self. This doesn't seem helpful...see ya next week

idk idk idk idk idk idk

this is to much

my mind is a prison

I'm still hoping that somebody has some intelligence. Haven't met them yet but I'm hoping.

I'm not really all that okay tbh and I miss you.

Someone told a whole lot of people a whole lot of ______ and I didn't get selected for the part.

So, when you asked if any child deserved [traumatic event], and I said 'no' in the midst of a long-winded self-flogging prattle about how it must have been my fault, you looked at me and softly said, "You said 'no'." I kept prattling, of course, in my self-conscious and self-shaming way, as if I was unable to accept any evidence to dispute my view of myself as a bad kid.

You may have thought I missed your statement. But I didn't. I wish I would have just stopped my prattling long enough to acknowledge it, and thank you for pointing it out. I didn't then, but I am now. Thank you.

I’m planning to cancel my session this week. You’ve taken a step back and I will too. I’d like to wean myself from sending you emails before you decide to take that away too. I’ve already sent 3 this week which is humiliating. My plan is to take a week break to deal with the ickiness I’m feeling about all of this and return after I’ve gone a week without emailing you.

I miss you. The wound in my heart will never heal.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!
I need you!

You don't have to lie me because of your job, you can tell me the truth:
- You're miserable and disgusting, I hate you, everyone hates you. Go and do this