Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

T, please write me. Surely you know I’m miserable and needing you and hoping to hear from you.

Sometimes it hurts to think about you and I’d like that to stop.

Can I get something special tomorrow? Like you showing an extra bit of emotion or caring?

I wasn't making these choices for you to get your approval or attention, but it would help me feel less conflicted about having made the "right" choice and less like I'm on my own.
These last few days have been really hard and I'm emotionally exhausted and feeling really vulnerable.

I don't want to see pdoc on Thursday. I don't know what to tell him. I hate that y'all compare notes because you see discrepancies. But I tell the truth to both of y'all. Y'all just ask me different questions.

I don't know how ANYONE could do this to me, let alone you. It's unimaginable and extremely cruel.

hey

ur baby looks more n more like u

BABY T!!!!!!

I don't like it when someone steals from me and YOU stole more than anyone!!

Dear S,

I know that every time you share something personal with me, you experience massive shame. I’d encourage you to stay with those feelings and not withdraw. I am certain that together we can work it through.

Best regards,

R

F*** this.

"You're hurt by me?"

Yes.I am.

Still embarrassed about "jumping" at you to hug you in response to my excitement. I'm sorry. I know I've said it, but I'm sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

I followed the lights of the aeroplanes more closely tonight on my drive home. Stay safe my lovely.

Well now I know what I am going to talk to you about tomorrow. Please respond well. I'll implode if you don't.

I almost texted you today, but didn't.

Crushed!!!!

God, I miss you.

Dear T,
I feel so self-centered. I don't know why you had to get up so early, but I truly hope everything/everyone is okay. I need to stop thinking that the world negatively revolves around me. I want to climb the mountain like the person in the documentary. I want people to believe in me, but moreso, I want to believe in myself. Not there yet. I feel a bit dysregulated.
Take care,

me

I am looking forward to seeing you. And I need to see you more often than we have been meeting. Things are rough right now.

The cold makes it hard. It reminds me of everything we worked through last winter. We had one rupture right before Thanksgiving and another right before Christmas. (We had great timing.) Both times I thought I was gonna have to spend the entire holiday crying. (Metaphorically speaking--i don't cry that much so it would actually be impossible to spend the entire holiday crying.) But we managed to fix things before the holiday both times.

The second rupture was significant. I almost quit. But when we made up, it transformed our relationship. I felt secure in the relationship. For the first time, we knew for sure that we cared about each other. Everything was different afterwards. Oh, we still argued, and you still got mad at me. But I knew you cared about me and didn't hate me.

The cold is hard. It makes me miss you more.

you said "hey" instead of "hi".

yes I notice such things

I notice that stuff too...

Me too

I love you.
I'm jealous of your wife... and of your friends... They are so lucky.
I don't think I'll start taking meds again. I'll let my mental illness to destroy me. Thank you for everything... I think I don't deserve to see you anymore because I don't want to be "cured".

That was good, M. You're okay. I think we're going to be okay.