Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

You don't care about me

Dear T,
So I tried the 5K and bailed after a mile. I couldn't breathe in the freezing cold air. The cross-country course was completely ridiculous (I should show you a picture I took of the one hill on my way to the car and/or the elevation chart from MapMyRun). I initially thought I was a failure and a quitter. But then I started thinking to myself "I realized something was beyond my ability, and I took myself out of it. That's OK." And in the past I'd have felt the need to email you so you could reassure me it's OK. But I got some reassurance from H and I'm working to reassure myself. I see you tomorrow, and we can just talk then.

This is progress, right???
Love,
LT
PS: I actually had a pretty good time for that first mile! (Good time for me at least.)

I miss you. I know, big surprise right?

it's cold n stuff

I miss you. I just want to hug you.

I kept imagining a scene in my mind. I'm waiting outside your office, and you walk up to me with your easy smile and say, "Raine, it's good to see you." I let my bag fall on the ground, open my arms, and ask, "can I have a hug?" You smile and say, "of course." You open your arms, and we embrace. And then I tell you I had a dream where you died and I went to your funeral...

I’m worried I won’t have anything significant to say when I see you this week.

I don’t know what the hell is going to happen on Friday. I mean, I suppose you’ll say you’re sorry that you made an error in judgement, and I’ll say... what? Do I give you one last chance? Or should I show up on Friday for the sole purpose of telling you in person that I’m done?

I made an appointment with another therapist next week. I don’t want to stay just because I have no other choice.

This may not make total sense. Sent to T last night.

Saw a Facebook post about a 13 y/o boy runaway ...left a note saying saying he didn’t want to be found. No further info. Ppl are commenting ‘why did he run away?’

It’s throwing me back about 45 years when I overdosed at our church’s sleep away camp when I was probably 16 or 17.

Ppl asked me, ‘why?’ But I didn’t have the words to tell them. ‘Were you molested?’ I said, ‘No.’ Because I wasn’t. I didn’t know how to describe the trauma I was feeling at home with my family, at school being unpopular and bullied, and the same in my neighborhood. I didn't belong anywhere. I didn’t know about how ‘anxiety’ related to me. I didn’t know how to explain, ‘going away.’ I didn’t want to admit cutting. I didn’t know how to talk about feeling rejected. Or beaten. Or terrorized. And no one saying they are sorry. No soft place to fall.

I was miserable. I was caught in horrid depression so BAD that I promised myself I will NEVER let me feel like that EVER again.

What really happened is I was depressed all that week at camp. Well, I didn’t make it the whole week...but I was trying to go to sleep one night there at camp and my depression would always come and I would just cry and cry..so I had brought some Valium and Soma from our medicine cabinet with me. (Someone else’s prescriptions)

All I wanted to do, really, was bypass my depression and get to sleep. One Valium didn’t work so I took more..then I took more. Then I realized I had probably taken too much and I went and told someone.

Really, I hadn’t planned this out. The only planning was my bringing the medication with me. I wasn’t looking for drama or attention. I really wasn’t even consciously looking to try to tell someone my life sucked.
I had no words to tell that to anyone bc I thought most families were like mine, anyway.

I’m just laying here, now, in the dark and I’m taken back to that time...

and I’m telling you so I know SOMEONE IS HEARING THAT LITTLE GIRL THAT I WAS!

one of those work/school related triggers that makes me feel really anxious and overwhelmed and want to run away and avoid has come up. It came up Friday and i've been avoiding it. I need to deal with it by tomorrow.

It's harder because I'm hurt right now and I don't want it to seem like things are okay between us and I want to be Dramatic and reject all the "progress"
I want you to feel bad. I want you to be disappointed.
When we talked about the two types of attention/caring, I don't want type A. I want type B.

I don't want you to get to be happy or proud.



I don't want to have gotten better enough to have to deal with this. I want to be sick and broken and hide from everything.

I want you to talk me through this. I can't do this by myself. I can't handle it. I can't do this.
But I'm hurt and mad at you and I don't want to let you help me. I don't want to let your words and the thought of what you'd say help me.

I honestly just need to quit therapy until I'm ready to actually try. I'm sorry I waste your time.

I dealt with it

I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't know why. The actual emails weren't that bad. My PI is somewhat frustrated but not angry and it was at the super urgent but not the "too late to be salvageable" point. I still need to send some emails tomorrow and sort some things out, but it's no longer the scary unknown of only having read the first few lines in the notification and having been too scared to open the email.

I'm just tired and sad and I feel all alone and I want to be able to think about you being proud of me but I'm still too hurt and that just makes me feel even more sad and alone



edit: that friend who I talk to the most about this stuff just texted me about something else and I asked him if he wanted to meet up for coffee so we're meeting up in like fifteen minutes. I'm making good decisions. I'll probably even talk to him about this and my current emotions towards you.
Idk how I feel about the fact that I'm making these choices.
P.S. you know he's gay, right? I can't remember if that's come up in our conversations, and if it hasn't you're probably hoping we'll fall for each other or something, but it seems kind of weird to mention out of the blue.

I really need you right now. I'm so sad. I miss you so much.

I really thought you'd have replied by now.

Dear T,
Thanks for a good, productive session today. You've given me a lot to think about. And I'll sign up for another 5K tonight. Thinking of the "yet."
Love,
LT

I don't need you 20 hours from now. I need you now.

in my happy place

What's the point? I won't get the positive attention/caring I want either. Not in the way I want it. You're going to smile and look pleased or whatever, but I want more than that. It's just going to feel inadequate and that's going to hurt more.

I made good choices anyway. Coffee was good. I told him about my super irrational conclusions about you not caring about me and he gets it because he's the same way. He's the same friend I text the cognitive distortion bingo board to. He was like "just checking, you know how distorted this is, right?" and I was like "no, I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm being super rational right now. Clearly my therapist was lying and has never cared about me at all."

And it was a really good evening because the cute barista he's always drooling over was working and it was clear that the barista was also into him. Long story short, he wanted to make a move but couldn't figure out how and so when he went in to get a refill and the barista was outside putting away chairs I told the barista that my friend thought he was cute and the barista was all flustered and said he thought the same and now they're texting and have a date this weekend. And he's all gushy and excited and sending me screenshots of their texts and I'm really happy for him.

And you're going to turn this around and point out that I'm happy for my friend and care about him when he's happy, not just when he's hurting, and that people will still care about me if I get better.

I feel like certain issues are not a problem for me, I realize I am normal (somewhat) and what I do/think/feel doesn't seem out of the ordinary, or nothing to worry about.


And THEN, I feel massive guilt even though I don't feel (or maybe think) like what I do/think/feel is abnormal. So, how can I feel like whatever I think/do/say/feel is normal but feel such horrible guilt? And then why do I have to connect things that are not connected and add to the guilt?


I don't know how to be self compassionate when I have an ego state that apparently feels/thinks I am guilty and deserves to be tortured versus the ego state that is calm, cool, and collected. It may not be true, but I feel like a part of me is trying to destroy me. It's as if a part of me is an anathema to myself.


I think I can get past this, however, I am currently having massive difficulties. I haven't given up on myself. I just don't want to negatively affect anyone in this process. I would NOT be okay with that.

Rescue me, won't you? Please?

I don't always feel as though our sessions are helpful.

hi t,

yeah, i wish you had a magical wand too. hopefully we can work something out...

me

I guess I won't be cancelling after all. I can't lay this mess on my loved ones. I wish I never started therapy.i wish I never met you.

You were in a really good mood today when you emailed me. I’m looking forward to our session on Thursday.