Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

What's with all the self disclosure all of a sudden?

There's probably been as much within the last few weeks as the entire 9-10 months before that combined.
I really hope you know what you're doing and that it's intentional, not carelessness or thoughtlessness.
It's a one way street, you can't turn back. You can always disclose more later, but you can't un-disclose.

This makes me nervous.

I love that your idealistic. I appreciate your hopes and dreams for me. Sometimes we need to get real, though.

I broke down at work today. Cried at my desk. Everyone was at lunch so I was alone and no one saw me. I gave in and called another therapist. I made an appointment for Saturday, but tomorrow I'm calling to cancel. Somehow it feels like I would be betraying you. It doesn't feel right.


Even though I know we are not a good fit as therapist/client, I want to go back to you because I know it's the only way for me to see you. But I can't. I can't because you closed that door. In an implicit way, you said that door was closed. You didn't have the courage to say it outright.



I think about your words and they hurt. I was the one who chose to end therapy, but for some reason I feel abandoned by you. You wanted me to leave. And now you've made sure I can never come back.

Cruel and unusual punishment...is what it is....

In response to my "I don't know what I want":

I don't want to leave therapy right now.
I don't want you to leave me.
I hate being so dependent on you.
I just want you.

Dear T, you cracked me up yesterday as I walked to the door and acknowledged I'd had another topic in mind today. You stopped and so generously gestured back towards the chair and invited me to sit down and talk about it. I said, "I'm not a doorknob person." You said, "Indeed you are not."

I appreciated that you offered me more time, time that I know you would not have charged for and it is likely I was your last person of the day, and would have delayed your time leaving for home.

I had a brief longing to stay, and it was only partly my desire to avoid the subject (love! romance! just the abstract feeling of it) why I said no. But the deeper roots are that I feel well-deposited with self care, that I feel whatever the opposite of generosity towards others is. I mean that just like I enjoy feeling generous with my money and my time (but it requires that I feel I have enough), I liked being generous in my refusal, as I felt the session had given me enough. That was a good feeling. Enough.

Feeling a little bit of a loss and wishing I could reach out for connection, but I know you won’t respond, so I guess I’m on my own which is where I’m used to being anyway. Not really understanding the point of therapy now.

One day at a time. I miss you every single day.

Dear T,
Trying to figure out what to talk about today. I have a few thoughts, but not sure which will be the most useful to pursue. Maybe spend a bit of time on each? I guess I just start talking and see where it goes...
Love,
LT

Thank you for today. I love you so much

I’m coping by eating vast amounts of leftover Halloween candy. And getting lost in my work. I suppose it could be worse, right?

I'm giving up on you and this.

You want to build me up just so that you can break me down.

£1920.

That just for single weekly sessions for a year. I don't want to do the maths for twice weekly or include the the times we've done three.

Also, you called me attractive for the third time yesterday

I don't know why I notice or care. It's not that I want you to be attracted to me.
You've said I'm intelligent way more times than that, including yesterday. But I guess I'm used to being told I'm intelligent? Not that I necessarily believe it, but I at least believe that most other people believe it. The same goes for you saying I'm empathetic or kind or any of those other things.
How low are your standards on this? Do you tell all your patients they're attractive? Do you just mean not completely hideous?

Maybe it's reassuring because I worry you'll see me as disgusting and repulsive. Idk

Everything is still s**t.

Finished a poem after our session today. You'll see it next week, and it will say what I can't.

That sounds really good lost, hope it goes well next week for you!

I’m sorry that I was boring.

Dear T,

Clearly I've calmed down now.

Dear T,
I think we ended up on a good discussion today. I'm really not trying to think of the one comment you made, because I know it was just an attempt to show how our minds work differently. That you weren't just trying to be like "I never think of you outside of our two sessions a week." While if I were a T, I'd probably be obsessing about my clients. Still...I guess I want to think that I cross your mind occasionally? Even if just for 5 minutes or something. Maybe that's part of why I email?
But the rest of session was really helpful.

Love,
LT

I want you to be my mom. I always wanted a good mother. I dont even really know you though. I just want that so bad and I am 42. I'm pathetic.

of course clients do cross their minds, they have to prepare for sessions every week and there is always a thing from sessions or just something that reminds them of you that will pop in their head. it would be very unlikely any T would think of us as much as we do them, it's the sad reality of this relationship, they are trained a lot to work on keeping work/home separate and not obsessing etc about clients. even though he probably doesn't think of you every single day, you are not a forgotten thought.

I miss you.

Dear T,

You're going to be out of the office for a few weeks but there's one day I'm supposed to see you. I think you had me penciled in for the morning but I realized I have a date so really hoping you can get me in that afternoon instead, I'd hate to have to miss sessions for three weeks. I imagine that wouldn't go well for me. Not sure what you are even up to if we could e-mail or not and you don't seem like you want to give me your cell number for texting or I think you would have already. Please don't leave me with nothing. Maybe you can leave me contact info for a co-worker should something major happen? I'm a little worried. Plus really dying to know what you are doing. Vacation? Training? Something else? But you didn't share and I don't feel it's my business to ask so I guess it will remain a mystery.

-Butterfly

Checked my notes, next session is our 100th. Not sure if I should be thrilled or depressed by all the money I've spent by now LOL

I for sure lasted longer than I ever planned, obviously it's because you are amazing.

Dear t

I’ve learnt not to should myself. But you didn’t teach me that, or much of anything helpful, in all those hours. I lost count of them, didn’t bother to count them.