Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

I listened to your voicemails and cried. So glad I saved them. I miss the sound of your voice.

I wish I could see you again.

Dear T,
Sorry, it's not fair to ask you that if I'm not actually in the situation. I should just reply and say nevermind, we'll discuss Wed. I'm just scared about H possibly losing his job. This round of layoffs seems much closer to him than previous ones have been, with his boss having to justify the jobs of her employees and maybe having to rank them.
Love,
LT

What should I do to make you unhate me........

Dear T,
I’m feeling sort of embarrassed about the emails I’ve sent in the past 24 hours, especially the two I sent yesterday and just wanted to say sorry. I’m not planning on sending any more emails any time soon, but I wanted to apologize before I see you in person. I’m not sure why I was so upset, but whatever it was, it obviously wasn’t your fault and if I could start over I’d keep it to myself.

Lrad123

Hug me please......

I miss you so much, R.

Dear Former T...first Thanksgiving without you. So much sadness and grief around that. Wish I could see you. Kit.

Dear T,
You're awesome. I'm glad to know that even if H were to lose his job or something else happened financially, you'd be willing to work with me for a reduced rate. I mean...you worked with someone for $5 a session for a few months--clearly this isn't just about the money for you.

Love,
LT

That wasn't the answer I was looking for. I did ask the right question. I feel sick

t,

i appreciate the email, but it felt like a lecture to me. can you just trust me on this? this is one time i think i know better than you...

me

I honestly wouldn’t be here right now without you. The past 24 hours have been exhausting and if it weren’t for you I would have given up. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you have stuck with me thru 14 months of ********.

Just want to crawl into bed and cry into my pillow, actually I wish u were my pillow right now. I know I'm a fully grown adult but right now I just feel like a child that needs that soft shoulder to cry into! But this will not happen, I will sleep instead with hopefully no tears on the pillow!

You're going to be disappointed in me.

Why don't you just go ahead and abandon me again? Get it over with.

Love you and feeling grateful for you.

I miss you. How could I go on without you?

I feel anxious about seeing you today. I’m frustrated that things were good last week and now the more out-of-control, immature version of me has emerged via email. That’s not the part of me I wanted you to see.

You're the best. You truly are. I love you.

I had one of those moments of pure desolation in our session today. And as I was in it, I felt this desperate need for someone - you - to put your arms around me. I had this voice in my head saying "I need a hug".

I suppose you probably felt it. Because I realise now that C was feeling it, hearing it, that time he said he wanted to hold me. And I know that R felt it too. And all he could do was pass me the box of tissues.

It's hard to feel that and not be allowed it. But there are a lot of things I'm not allowed.

You are very nice, M. But you can't heal me. Nothing can.

I can't do it anymore, I just can't, no one cares, I'm sorry
I love you

I want to throw up. I'm so nauseated from anxiety & the fallout of our last 2 sessions & telling you the details of that day. I am useless at work today. I miss you. Next Monday is too far away.

I'm really sorry.... For everything. I wish you all the best.

Dear T,

I finally see you again later today. I hope you haven't changed. I know you probably haven't but I'm nervous anyway.

-Butterfly

Dear T,

I'm so angry at myself for missing our appointment yesterday. But I couldn't really help it. I had to go to the ER, that's why I waited until it was 10 minutes before our session to cancel it. The pain was unbearable, this is the only thing that would make me cancel like that.

I had SO MUCH to tell you... so much... now I'm struggling, because I know you won't be able to fit me into your full-packed schedule. I need you. More so than I did yesterday. Another 6 days. Stupid stomach.

I'm super excited to see you tomorrow, even tho we are going to be talking about a very important crisis I'm going thru. I'm just glad you're there to help me.

I really need pizza.



On a side note I actually put my hand up to volunteer to do something in internal class today. Old me would never have done that before.