Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

How do I connect with what hurts, and stay in the here and now? Is a change of seating really going to fix anything? Have you even noticed my body language?

I used to have a T who was completely adamant about the fact that my boyfriend was wrong for me and that we would never have a normal, functional relationship. I can proudly say today that she was WRONG and things are better than they ever have been. I stopped seeing her because she could not look past my boyfriend; she wouldn't even let me talk about him.

I bought a beer on the way home, but didn't drink it. I think you'd be proud of me.

I miss you. All of you. Bah.

I needed to hug you and hear your voice so badly today. I hate that I can't bother you on weekends. Sometimes, you are the only person I CARE to talk to.... really emotionally spent today. We need to talk about me being able to reach out on days like today. I shouldn't have to be scared to do so.

So, we're going to do this. We're going to talk about THAT event.
I'm scared.
Please catch me when I fall...

Aaarghaghahghgharghhghhh

Do I even deserve to grieve your death?
I joined a grief support group on Facebook, and everyone on there has lost a spouse, parent, child, grandparent, or other relative. I'm like, I lost my therapist. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? Am I even allowed to grieve?

I feel dumb, but you really were the closest thing I've ever had to a parent.

Sorry I acted needy and vulnerable earlier, so glad I didn't actually reach out to you and ruin things with us. I'm back to being my normal self, that phase has passed. PHEW

Beavers,

You seem judgmental about people in my life. I feel a distinct lack of empathy toward them. It's weird. Stop it.

Argo

Blech. I wasn’t going to do that. Blech.

I don't know why I ever get my hopes up being on your cancellations list. No one ever cancels. Sigh. It's been two weeks. And I have to wait another week more.

The missing you is unbearable. I don't think googling you has helped.

Dammit. I messed up. So much for feeling empowered. Not sure how I feel about emailing you last night. Thinking about “punishing” myself by not letting myself go this week. Would obviously still pay since I’d be canceling late. Also not sure if I should tell you why I’m canceling because then it all becomes an issue for the next time we meet and that just feels like a distraction. I guess I shouldn’t have emailed because it might be starting that spiral of me feeling needy and disempowered. I need to distance myself from that. I need to not email you for a week before I’m allowed to see you. I think that’s the only way to get my power back. If I were to email you you’d say something like, “I look forward to talking to you if you decide to come.” So there, I said it to myself. Is that the way this is supposed to work now? Who needs a therapist when I can just talk to myself.

Hope it's OK to reply. I understand how you feel about "messing up," because it's your own personal boundary you set. But you are still allowed to email. Rather than punishing yourself by not going (and still paying), I'd go in and talk about it with your T.

Sorry to hear this. I completely get it. I did this a few times too at first and felt terrible every time. I also constantly "punish" myself for things like this. Currently I'm taking everything within me not to email my T about what happened yesterday. I completely understand your feelings over this... going in to talk might help but if you feel you need to step back a week, that's ok. It's hard to get used to doing this (not emailing) but eventually it becomes natural. Good luck whatever you choose

Thanks. Just having that same feeling as when you fall off the wagon for diet or alcohol or whatever and start feeling like, “well, I’ve already messed up, so what’s the point?” when I know I should just get back on the wagon. I have few days to sort it out, but you are right, I am allowed to email. It just makes me feel weak. Thanks for your support.

Today's the day.
I hope I'm not putting too much pressure on myself... I'm trying to remember that these aren't our last sessions ever & there is no real deadline for talking about this trauma. But, I do want to talk about it today... and am especially glad I see you tomorrow as well (thank you for still fitting me in 2x this week).

I'm scared.
I wish I could hold onto you longer than a 5-second hug.

It's ridiculous that I am sat here actively trying to think of a reason to email you.

Tantrum alert: I’m paying someone to NOT answer my emails. What the hell is that about?

Dear PDOC, kinda nervous about our appointment on Wednesday. I hope it goes okay. Kit.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session--helped me feel better prepared for teacher conference today, which went well. I want to email to tell you that, but I can just tell you Wednesday. I also felt generally connected to you today, which was good. And this is probably so dumb, but something about you handing me your notepad and pen to write questions to ask at the conference felt especially meaningful. And your helping me to come up with them. Of course I didn't have time to ask all of them, but it helped being able to think them through before, and I feel I got some good info. And I feel better about her teacher now (and her para).

On a completely different note, I'm worried about the possible layoffs at H's job but trying not to freak out until anything is announced. His boss doesn't seem to think his job is in jeopardy (though possibly one of his team members, but H is senior member of team, so...). Is it awful that my first thought wasn't "will we be able to afford the house?" or something like that, but, "Oh no, I probably wouldn't be able to see you anymore"? You say on your website that you're open to working on a sliding scale--if H ever lost his job (and thus our insurance), would you do that for me? I mean, I know I couldn't do/expect twice a week, but would you be willing to reduce your fee for once a week? I want to ask you that, but I imagine you'd say to just wait to see if it happens and we'd deal with it then if it does.
Love,
LT

I am so thankful that you just spent half an hour with me to help me start to work through a major crisis. You didn't have to do that, especially after the **** I pulled on the weekend.

I'm quite scared about tomorrow and this new protocol of yours. Also, I'm tired of you discussing me in consultation. It makes me feel broken that even a therapist doesn't know how to fix me.

Thank you...thank you... thank you for being here tonight.
Thank you for tonight's session. We have only just begun, and I know that, but it feels right to be processing this with you. I feel safe with you.

Thank you for calming me down...for your insight, which I wouldn't have been able to come up with on my own. Thank you.

I only wish I could hold onto you WHILE I'm telling you these awful memories.