Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

Oh great, it's tomorrow night already. I'm thrilled to see you, as always but sick to my stomach about this session. I wish I hadn't put so much into you being able to do this with me, I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I feel so so sick.

My lab thing still didn't work. But when I saw that I didn't have colonies I was disappointed and somewhat frustrated/annoyed, but I didn't have the urge to hurt myself. This is unusual. Maybe it's progress?
I don't want to get your hopes up though because I don't want to end up disappointing you if this doesn't last

Dear T,
Please be on your game tomorrow. At least we already know what we'll be talking about, I guess.

Love you and miss you,
LT

My MI is ruining my life. If I could actually feel my emotions, I would be hysterical. I would hate to be able to cry because that might relieve some of my stress. So, all I have are words to express how what a horrible place I am in, and that I can't get out of. I am so devastated. The only thing that I seem to be able to rely on myself for is that I can't rely on myself for anything. At work, a person completely mocked me, and it wasn't just my perception, it was real. Now I am enraged, devastated, decimated, humiliated and my self-hatred is running amok.


I am feeling some intense rage. I don't even want to describe the imagery that I am imagining.

I think I will probably hug you the moment I see you tomorrow, I need it to help calm my anxiety. Otherwise I'll be too anxious to even sit or stand still for a few minutes. Why am I doing this? LOL

It’s no longer a slippery slope, I’m already gone. ED trigger
I wish this disorder would just get out of my head for once in my life.

That email I sent takes vulnerability between us to a new level. I hope you can cope with it.

Two weeks till my cardiology appointment. It feels unbearable to wait another two weeks. The last bit is always the hardest.

Not sure which T this is directed at... Both of you, all of you. None of you.

I feel SO alone. I have struggled all of my life with having a mental illness in the workplace. I tend to keep on ending up in a place where others are angry with me and I don't see it coming. Unfortunately, my boss has no idea about mental illness. How can I not hate myself, when it is clear that sooner or later will come to the same conclusion about me. I need to keep bringing in money, and yet doing so is killing me slowly and painfully. I am looking for jobs elsewhere. I try to hide myself from everyone else but I can't keep doing this. This also makes me feel a little bit of paranoia. I am so despondent about all of this. I am so devastated about being me. Especially because being consistent at work isn't something, apparently, that I can do. The bosses mischaracterize the motivations of my behavior. I really need my T now, but he's still on vacation and doesn't always have internet. This is my sad life. I want to be able to help other people yet I can't even help myself to stay consistent. At what point can I just give up? I feel so misunderstood, even by myself. At times, I just can't interact with people and I'm stuck inside of me with all of my emotions that nobody knows about.

I miss you!

I'm sorry I can't leave you alone.

I'm going through a little health scare and am afraid to tell you because it's really personal (female related). I'm embarrassed to talk about it.

Well, I kinda hoped you'd reply. But you probably feel like you've done enough. You are enough. I love you.

I wish I hadn't sent you the email. I feel like a horrible person all around.

I can’t believe I don’t get to see you today.

I should be with you now. I hope you are thinking of me.

I'm fighting the urge to self sabotage. Its there, i can feel it. I have been doing so well lately.... almost too well.... I don't want to be pushed out of therapy, I'm not ready... I'm not at all.... I know that is where this is coming from. I want to sabotage my progress to keep coming to therapy.....

This is probably not a good thing so I should probably bring this up at my next appointment.... that should be fun....

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. It went by way too fast. But you were validating, and that's what I needed today. And you talked me down from my panic at one point. Wish I had another hour with you. Sorry if I seemed to be dragging my feet getting out of there, but I didn't want to leave. Think I still left in time for you to be on time for the people in the waiting room (pretty confident they're your clients, as I saw you walking them out last week when you came to retrieve me).

I do feel much calmer now than I did at this time yesterday (OK, probably didn't take too much for that, but still)...and really considerably more than I have all week, so apparently you helped. Hope the feeling can last at least for a little while...

Love you,
LT

I love you. This is stupid.

Why do I find myself fighting tears all session, yet that's probably the only time I feel safe enough to cry, and you are probably the only person I would trust to be there and not judge me.
I know I've asked before and you have told me it's ok but I need you to say it in these moments but you never do, so I feel I have to stop it for you more than me. Wish you could read my mind in those moments, but you can't and of course I can't tell you in the moment.

Former T. I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you. I love you.

New T: Can I count on you to help me?

This is getting old and I

This is getting old and I'm just repeating myself but I ****ing miss you

Can you feel how much my heart hurts? Do you know how much I love you?

The last time I talked to you while you were alive, you said, "you will keep me on your mind." I didn't know if it was a statement or a question, but I nodded. Of course.

In case you don't already know, you are always on my mind. Always.

Dear T,
The calm didn't last for long. I'm sorry. Why am I apologizing? It's not your fault... You don't have some magic wand that can fix me (if you do, hey, let me know!) Glad you're able to see me tomorrow afternoon...

Love,
LT