Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

I really wish you would respond. This vulnerability ****ing sucks.

Have you got your Christmas break dates?

For some reason I can picture you in Disney land Paris this year.

Dear T, Sometimes it is just too freaking hard to see things as they are, the wool of denial is thick and comforting. I am reminded of how easy it is to dismiss ideas and people when they are extreme, I remember how good it used to feel to disregard nuance and complexity and take note of how people can see things differently without one person having to be right. I so want the boy to move beyond this adolescent stage, and in probably the most important ways he has. But trying to be accepting of this place of rigidity and open to hearing about the detailed nuances of that is a big challenge. I want to just snap that he's being ridiculous and has no idea about what he's talking about, no facts or even life experience to back it up, and how self-serving his rigid beliefs are. But that's a total Mom fail, but boy does it take a bulldozer load of willpower to stay the intentional course and not be reactive.

Just general love ache. A regular feeling for me these days, particularly on a Sunday for some reason.

Theres nothing I need to tell you.
I'm good.

alone w my pain
in the middle of nowhere
as usual

please God end this torture

It's meaningless
I'm scared, but I don't want to be here anymore
I hope everyone will be happy

I love you very much, I'm sorry for being so disgusting

If you think an abused person is supposed to forget...better think again on how to help them. Years of torture cannot be forgotten.

Part of me feels like you lied to me even though of course you didn't and that doesn't even make sense. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself?

I miss you. I want to email you and tell you. But I won't. And you know it already anyway.

I'm so fkkn depressed

why do I exist

I'm thinking about something related to you and it's depressing me greatly. Why do I have to be punished for having anxiety? Why can't we just be normal adults? Ugh...I wanna punch things.

I know you have a big stressful day tomorrow, while I can't be there, I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

I did it. I cancelled our appointment for this Wednesday. Hope I don’t panic and change my mind because I feel like I need the time to process things. I probably also need to experience having a modicum of control in our relationship.

I think having to wait until Wednesday to see you is probably not a good thing. I managed to decide to not act on a Bad Idea last night, but it's sounding pretty tempting right now, and idk if I really want to fight it

I miss you.

It's been a very long and a very short weekend.

lol well bye then ✌

I lost the thread of trust in you . Is it bc the last two sessions you focused on what I need to do to be safe over the holidays, thus presenting me with lose-lose choices while you, independently wealthy and an "old" parent of young kids, have nothing on the line. That is small of me to think that way. Are you Talented Mr. Ripley trying to get rid of all your patients for the holidays so you can go on vacay, or is this radical change to telling me what to do and why bc you care? I don't know, and not knowing makes me scared of you.

Luckily I'm used to being annoying and people being sick of me. I am sorry I was too much for you. I can't do this anymore...not that you care but I can't. Hey, at least you can have a me free rest of your life, that's worth a party!

Why wont this stupid anxiety stop.You arent listening or Im not talking but this really sucks.

You're not annoying.

Thanks but he and most everyone else who knows me, thinks I am. Even if they don't say it. Actions speak louder than words