Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

It's been a little over 8 weeks since I last saw you. It's the longest I have ever gone without seeing you in the past three years. It was our last goodbye.

Although you said that we wouldn't fall apart, I did fall apart. I have fallen apart. Many times. The grief I told you I would feel in being separated from you is beyond what I imagined. There have been times when I have literally fallen to my knees and sobbed. The grief and ache engulf my whole being. It is as if you have died.

As difficult as it was, in my last session with you, I told you everything. I unburdened myself with my truth as I saw it and felt it and experienced it. I was so scared to hurt you, and I'm sure you were hurt, but I was so relieved to hear you say that you knew it was not my intention to do so. I know you were surprised to realize your lack of self-awareness in the months leading up to our last session. I like to believe that I was able to see you very clearly. That I know you in my own way although I know no specific details of your life. I like to believe that I affected you in a way that was unexpected to you and that as a result you unconsciously tried to distance yourself from me.

You are not a bad therapist. We just affected each other too much.

You are the first man, person, with whom I have experienced such an intense relationship. How I wish and dream and hope that I will encounter you in my life again and that somehow we would be friends. Soul friends. Am I delusional? Narcissistic in my belief of how much I touched your life too? Thing is, I don't think so.

This missing, this ache, is unbearable at times. The grief will hit me at unexpected times. I cry for what I dread will never be. I don't want another therapist. Although I did think about seeing one because I could barely function. But I can't. I have no desire for therapy. That process. Another therapist. No. Never again.

I am slowly coming to accept that I will always miss you. That I will never get over my grief. There is no getting over you. That I will just learn to live with my grief. I will have to carry it with me. It is the price I am paying for loving you. It is a pure love. I don't know if I would ever be able to explain it.

I don't want you to see me as empowered and capable and all that stuff
I want you to see me as fragile and someone who needs to be protected
The more "good" choices I make in the "right" direction, the more responsibility I'm accepting for myself.
It's not fair.
I had to be responsible for myself and managing my own feelings and didn't get protected and taken care of at the age when other kids did.
It's not fair that I didn't get it then and I still don't get to get it now, and now I'm supposed to willingly let go of seeking it?
I don't want this

I hate you right now. Part of me wants to see if you have an opening for this week to resolve this, the other part says f it and I'll maybe tell you next week how much you unintentionally hurt my feelings..... I probably won't though because I know its a really stupid thing to be upset about.... ugh.

It's never stupid to be upset about something a T has said. They should welcome you talking about it. It's obviously important to you, and it's your therapy.

I know you love me. I love you too.

"What you are experiencing is understandable, given all that you have experienced and I understand it is overwhelming at times. I do care about you and want you to continue to recover and believe that you can. Let me know if you would like to schedule an appointment,
T"

part of ts email yesterday

that's all I needed to know t

thank u... I'm sorry I am so crazy

Okay. I'll stop fighting.

When will I feel better?
Will I ever feel better?

I feel really alone right now and like there’s no hope. I wish I could talk to you about it now, but I’m your job. I’m sorry for asking for an extra appointment. Obviously though, if I felt strong enough to go to the ER, call 911 or tell a friend how I’m feeling, I wouldn’t have emailed you... good advice though.

I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I’ve missed you so much, so much has happened.
I just want to be with you, and hear your sensible words. Love you.

Dear T. I should probably tell you about how I was almost ready to go to the ER. It's better now, it's not so strong and active. The thoughts have chilled somewhat. I'm not in crises now. So now it would be okay to tell you. I don't know how you would react. You seemed pleased when I told you I went to the ER before when I had thoughts like that. But this time I didn't go. So I wonder how you would feel? Kit.

I miss you so f***ing much. Why have you updated your online profile now? You got rid of me and figured it was time for a new start? Have you updated to make sure you don't get any more clients like me? You never did any complex trauma work with me. Not as far as I noticed. Was I pathetic to you? You want to work with people who have really suffered?

This is f***ing ridiculous. I'm going crazy over nothing.

I don't like your new picture. You look much nicer when you smile.

New T,

You are far too f***ing good looking.

Today reminded me of those days when I would get home from school, empty with sadness, and fall asleep in front of children's television. There was that program about the fluffy white aliens and the theme song would still make my heart sink if I heard it now.

Just crying, and sleeping, and crying.

I'm so done with everything.

(((Luc))) hang in there. It will get better.

I don't think I can handle another session with laughing and smiling and teasing
You think I'm fixed now
You don't want to put up with the depressing version of me
You're relieved that you don't have to care because you can expect me to take care of myself
You'll get to start treating me like a peer and not protecting me just like every other adult who was supposed to be "the adult" in the relationship even when I was a child
I'll have to be strong and mature and self reliant and deal with it all on my own

There are more ways than just termination to abandon someone

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hugs if you want them.

I want to curl up with my head in your lap. And no talking. It seems to just be getting in the way.

True dat.
((LabRat))

Another 2 hug session. Not complaining. That was awesome.

T: i want to write you again, except i don' teven know what i want to say. i feel very alone. i wish i didn't have to wait a week to see you.

I got the feeling you were being evasive when I asked why some folks get PTSD and others don't. You hesitated, then asked why I needed to know the answer to that question. I felt awkward telling you I was looking for reassurance that I wasn't always going to be a f***ing mess. You launched into a vague, roundabout explanation of unspecified variables. So I summoned up my strength and asked outright if you thought I was a total f** up. You hesitated again, and told me I wore my TFUism like a badge of honor. I don't think that was meant to be a compliment. But at least you said it nicely.

And here's the thing about therapy: I can't tell if I am getting better or worse. Some days I feel hopeful, and it almost seems like I can see my way out of the abyss. Then, without any warning, I'm stuck to the bottom like the f***ing loser that I am.

I miss you. I need to cry more. I was good today. I wanted to drink but didn't.

I want to hold this pain close. I don't ever want to forget you.