Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

I ****ing hate you

I'm going to kms because of you

yes I'm blaming you. this is pure spite. I want you to know how devastated I feel. ****ING DEVASTATED. I WISH you knew even an FRACTION of how much this hurts.

**** you dude. probably what you want anyway

I don't want to exist, I'm too tired

>49 days - for stomatology if I get a spot when registration opens.

>21 hours, 52 minutes and 24 seconds till our 5pm session.

No true dog lover is possibly annoying !

Hey, what happened?

For f***'s sake. I miss you.

I miss you.

It hurts too much to face you

And it hurts too much not to see you

I'm so done with everything. I'm out.

You couldn't help me, and no one else can either. But thanks for everything. See you on the other side.

Missing you loads right now. Major life event happened today and I want you so much it hurts. Please just tell me you love me. 😔

I want to pick a fight with you
No real reason
Just that things have been going well and I don't like it

can't you just be supportive and warm and quit judging me all the damn time?

(no, you're too full of yourself and too weirded out by the disparity between our levels of education)

I haven't done my homework yet. I can't figure out why -- maybe partially I am embarrassed to have you read my writing. But also, so often you give me homework and then never follow up the next session.

My disordered eating thoughts are back. My self esteem has never been lower. I am debating whether or not to tell you. Last week I told you (you read it on my paper) that something I dislike about myself is that I'm fat and you acknowledged it but, it was at the end of session so we didn't talk about it. I hope you know that this is a big deal to me, because my ED isn't something we talk about much and I know part of that is my fault but it still feels a bit like you don't think it's a big deal even though I've been dealing with it since I was 13.

I still hope that any minute now I'll wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream. If I could do it over again, I wouldn't be afraid. I would trust you. You never let me down; you never hurt me. Now I know you never would.

"If I could do it over again"--i've typed those words so many times that my phone's keyboard knows it. All I have to do is type "if I," and it predicts the rest.

I've been robbed. Many things stolen from me. People stolen too!! Left with nothing. You don't seem to have any conception whatsoever with my loss. What kind of therapist are you anyway?

I can't do it anymore
I hope you'll be happy
I hope everyone will be happy

I can back off. I know how to do that. I certainly don’t want to ask you to give more than you want to. So this is me showing you (and myself) that I can dial it back. Part of me is sad about not seeing you tomorrow, but I’m not un-canceling.

I think that tomorrow I am going to have to look with you at ways I can take better care of myself emotionally in therapy, because this level of vulnerability is beginning to impact on other areas of my life.

I get that these therapeutic tools work. I really do. I've read the studies, trust me.
But have you ever been asked to practice "self soothing" or write an "empowerment letter" or do a "thought record" for yourself?
Would you really actually be able to do it without feeling silly?
Would you really not feel like you should be "above" that?
Would you really not feel even a little bit patronized?

Or is this stuff that only broken people have to do? You get to not do it because your brain works right already, so you don't have to fix it.

Why did you want to be a ****ing therapist anyway? Do you have some sort of savior complex? Do you want to feel superior to the poor broken people and grace them with your superior wisdom and enlightenment? Do you think you're stronger or smarter or better because you didn't end up like this?

**** you. I'm smarter than you. Just because my emotional brain refuses to listen to my rational brain doesn't mean that my reasoning and critical thinking skills aren't better than yours. And I actually had to work for that. And I managed to do it while being super ****ing mentally ill rather than just being born lucky enough to not be super mentally ill and then thinking I was qualified to help the crazies learn to be happy and well adjusted like me.

I hope I haven't overstepped anything with the email last week.

I dissociated in the middle of answering a call from my T. I said something stupid like I always do when I dissociate. She sounded confused. Now I’m really embarrassed as always. I need to talk to her about this randomly dissociating and saying stupid stuff. It’s really taking a toll on me.

I had called her earlier to set up an appointment and she was calling me back. I see her tomorrow.

After nearly 2 years of being in therapy with you, only today did I notice your tattoo. It's cute.

Dear T

thanks for trying to be as gentle and safe as possible today.

Thank you for tonight. We can do this. Wish it were an easier transition but I think we can do this. I like that we can make a joke and laugh a bit during intense conversations. Thank you for your patience. My only "complaint" is that we have so much in the pot now.

Sorry for jumping to conclusions, love you, see you tomorrow.