Has anyone successfully worked through their transference?

I agree with TeaVicar

I am not trying to NOT feel the way I do about my T. My feelings aren't considered a problem or obstacle in our therapy - they just are. They are feelings. I cannot change or control them anyways.

The questions I ask myself now to judge whether the therapy relationship is healthy are these:

1. Is my world shrinking or expanding? (Am I losing other relationships for the sake of this relationship? Am I withdrawing from other relationships because of this one?)

2. Am I keeping secrets about this relationship? (Am I afraid to talk about things we say or do? If so, why? Is it because I know ethical boundaries are being crossed? Can determine this from that sense of "others won't understand...")

3. Are there any signs of gaslighting? (Saying one thing, doing another? Does the T tell me things I call him out on are 'just in my head?' Is he consistent in who he is?)

My relationship with C is a far cry from my relationship with S (Ex-T), who I was deeply enmeshed & codependent with. My feelings for C are strong, but I have gained in my other relationships because of my work with him - not lost. I don't keep secrets or feel any sort of "I know this crosses boundaries, but I like feeling special" feelings about C. And, he is super consistent in who he is. That doesn't mean we always connect, but he has never made me feel crazy - he definitely does not tell me things that I experience about our relationship are 'just in my head' like S used to do.

The relationship is benefiting me, expanding my world & my understanding in my other relationships. I see no problem with the strong feelings or transference I feel in this relationship.

Thanks. It feels very good to see/read you acknowledge that -- it makes me cry! A good thing, for me, I can't usually do that.

A life so ruined! Almost gone! Wish it were. . .

I chased the pipe dream of therapy -- "idealizing transference" some might call it -- but nobody that I saw in therapy helped with that, or noticed it so far as I know.

It so really sucks.

Who does not get transference the way we seem to? The enmeshed kind? The kind that is all consuming? If a person went into therapy who came from a family with both parents and had their needs met, verbal & pre-verbal, get that kind of transference?

Interesting how a topic like this has the most replies compared to other postings.

Yeah all of this.

This seems to be a frequent topic:
working through transference site:https://forums.psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/
(I think you have to copy and paste that into the search box.)

I've worked through mine, and it could get too intense at times due to childhood trauma. But I'm also very dissociative, which kind of crosses into it or blurs it or distorts it-not sure how to describe.

Both my long term Ts were psychoanalysts; from what I understand, "working through" is specific to psychoanalytic therapy. I always told him all of my feelings that were about him, and he responded with interpretations.

The way we use the terms here, I think just talking about it is working on it. Not sure how different it is, but I know that the therapist's modality has a big influence on how intense transference is (as opposed to merely the client-that I think is a myth). In the past, I've done therapy with nonpsychoanaytic Ts and had little to no transference.

I can see how people could get sucked in, with endless talk about the therapist/feelings surrounding the therapist, taking over the whole therapy. Some see that as attachment work? I see it more structural in it changes how your mind works. This is always an interesting subject to me.

I work with my transference as part of my therapy. I don't know if I am working through it or not as I'm not exactly sure what that looks like or is like. My guess is that like most therapy stuff, it will be somewhat unique for each person. What has come up recently for me is a few ideas:

- how our internal narratives are created by those that are around us, the earliest coming from our primary care givers. And maybe when we really start to believe (accept) our T's love us, that is when the beginning of our narrative towards loving ourselves start to change.

- it feels like I am creating or recreating the mommy object in my mind. Or whatever it is that we get from our primary care giver as an infant.

Again, I recognize everyone goes to therapy for different things and has different needs from therapy so any generalization made here is not to imply that this is how it will work for or is for anyone else.

I have a feeling that these are the things I will need to address/overcome in order to "work through" the transference. That said, my T is completely ok if a part of me always sees her as mommy and will welcome it whenever my mind goes there. So I am not so sure that working through the transference means eliminating it completely since transference is a natural human experience. I'm not exactly sure what it will mean to have worked through it.

I came from a home where most of my parental needs were met, so I didn't experience the kind of enmeshed transference many speak of here. I agree with what someone mentioned that the term "transference" gets overused and misused a great deal. I go with the definition meaning a transfer of emotions onto someone (in this case the therapist) that originate in perhaps unresolved issues tied to someone in a person's own history. I don't personally think all feelings for a therapist are necessarily transference, and much of what gets discussed here seems less about actual transference and more about poor boundaries, unprofessional behavior of therapists, etc. that cause their own damage and strong emotions.

The term "transference" never came up in any of the therapy; however, there were times we did discuss my emotional reactions to events or people that were clearly tied to my history with individuals that I was replaying, on current events and relationships. I'm sure therapists, in their mind, were calling it transference or projection, but they weren't the types to use therapist-speak much. And we worked specifically on why I was reacting so strongly to those situations/people and how my reactions were often tied directly to those old tapes and histories and traumas from the past. Transference doesn't only occur in therapist/client situations. Mine didn't, but I'm fairly certain I experienced it in personal relationships. My husband's transference was definitely focused on our own relationship; he didn't have those transference feelings/situations with our therapist though.

So yes, even those who had stable familial relationships can have to deal with transference as the result of other traumatic or dysfunctional relationships in their lives; it doesn't have to necessarily be a family of origin issue. People can become harmed by a variety of people and events in their histories, not just by their family history. And that harm can show up in transference within personal relationships.

Here's the psychoanalytic method described in a simple way:

transference_regression_working_through

I don't think this speaks to everything that happens, but at least it is in black and white.

I’ve read all the comments on this thread with interest and it seems that a lot of them fall into 2 different types-those who espouse the “technical” description of ‘transference” as being rooted in the past and being played out repeatedly throughout life and those who recognise within themselves that they are in some way “addicted” to the therapist/therapeutic construct- it gives them a high at the time and terrible lows fairly soon after session has finished resulting in often wild /desperate attempts to recreate the high between sessions through often inappropriate/unnecessary email contact which adds more layers to the “addiction” eg checked to see if responded/analysis of response /wish I hadn’t emailed/why no response etc needing to devote next session to these issues-this level of pain and need surely is not maternal/paternal transference?.- erotic maybe - genuinely wanting to have a real relationship with the therapist maybe but if it consumes your waking (sometimes dreaming) life and I’ve been there- it’s an obsession or addiction -I knew that and it’s horrendously painful when you realise this and even worse when you realise that you have to pull yourself out of the situation-no amount of discussing the relationship,acting out,faking that you’re ok etc will solve it
It’s the most insidious and damaging experience of my life and although I’ve had no contact for a few months and am moving forward in other areas of my life I’m still indulging in obsessional thoughts/stories/fantasies about the bl..dy man-i hate what the relationship created but I can’t hate the man- very very scary and not somewhere I ever wish to go again-I don’t believe that “transference “ is anything like as common as it’s purported to be if it even exists-it’s a construct that suits the profession

Maybe a distinction can be made between what PurpleMirrors called "negative bonding" (is that a kind of enmeshment?) and what the psychoanalysts (the original "blank slate" therapists) called transference. And, yes, I agree that the profession currently can and probably does use the term transference in ways that suit them.

Very interesting perspective. Thanks.

I would have loved to work on transference with my first T and definitely made efforts. I chose a psychoanalyst primarily for this reason vs other types of Ts at the time. The problem was that he projected all sorts of things onto me that he was familiar with but did not exist in me and my history and, at the same time, grossly dismissed my own feelings and interpretations of them. I also did seriously evaluate his perceptions and feedback but they just did not fit in my life no matter how I looked at it. They fit in his own history (he reveals a lot online so I knew a lot) and work interest. I tried many many times to explain but he seemed truly interested in only his projections and not what I was explaining. How could one process anything in that way? I left him for good when this became apparent (had no attachment to him whatsoever except being really annoyed at how he dealt with his work). Obviously the conclusion for myself was that I chose the wrong person for me and it was kinda meaningful why that happened. But I definitely think that a T like him could cause serious turmoil and harm to certain clients, perhaps even create false memories and then "work" on a whole fake world.

[QUOTE=Sheffield;6355158]I’ve read all the comments on this thread with interest and it seems that a lot of them fall into 2 different types-those who espouse the “technical” description of ‘transference” as being rooted in the past and being played out repeatedly throughout life and those who recognise within themselves that they are in some way “addicted” to the therapist/therapeutic construct- it gives them a high at the time and terrible lows fairly soon after session has finished resulting in often wild /desperate attempts to recreate the high between sessions through often inappropriate/unnecessary email contact which adds more layers to the “addiction” eg checked to see if responded/analysis of response /wish I hadn’t emailed/why no response etc needing to devote next session to these issues-this level of pain and need surely is not maternal/paternal transference?.- erotic maybe - genuinely wanting to have a real relationship with the therapist maybe but if it consumes your waking (sometimes dreaming) life and I’ve been there- it’s an obsession or addiction -I knew that and it’s horrendously painful when you realise this and even worse when you realise that you have to pull yourself out of the situation-no amount of discussing the relationship,acting out,faking that you’re ok etc will solve it
It’s the most insidious and damaging experience of my life and although I’ve had no contact for a few months and am moving forward in other areas of my life I’m still indulging in obsessional thoughts/stories/fantasies about the bl..dy man-i hate what the relationship created but I can’t hate the man- very very scary and not somewhere I ever wish to go again-I don’t believe that “transference “ is anything like as common as it’s purported to be if it even exists-it’s a construct that suits

I think what makes it even more confusing is that there is -
using the two categories you mention - overlap and/or a continuum where it becomes difficult to see where the addition or patholigicalness starts.

So I've got parental transference for my doc. We both acknowledge it (albeit not expressely) and our interaction has a large flavour of this.

I've also got attachment to and dependence on him - so e.g. if he were to disappear over Christmas I would be unhappy.

But, while it may skirt the line, I don't think the attachment/dependence is pathological at this time (and I pray it never becomes so).

This is because I e.g. write to a friend/family to get support before I write him, I actively seek real life social events so am not looking to him to fill all needs, I tell others about our interaction so I don't get that secrecy or 'others would not understand' that I think is a bad sign. I also bear well in mind and truly believe that he is my doctor not my friend who is almost a tool to help me get better so I don't look for or start imagining more.

On the other hand, at times of distress, am like WHERE IS MY RESPONSE TO MY EMAIL, with continual checking, and I purposely think of him to self comfort and de-stress.

So it's a fine line with shades of grey where transference, attachment, dependence, addiction, may all elide into each other, and to different amounts at different times. No wonder it has gone pear shaped for so many.

It does blur, but I think it can be certain on a frequent basis.

If you're with a T who works with transference and so creates the ideal environmentfor it, it can be so stark that you observe yourself feeling or experiencing it.

Transference will often manifest as projections, too, which are often unmistakable. (You can't read someone's mind.)

What you're describing sounds like a healthy working alliance which involves positive feeling and a measure of dependence. But as you point out, you see the relationship within a context bigger than therapy itself. Boundaries shift under stress, but that's temporary and true of all relationships.


That context may be a really important variable. For those who seem to experience the most turmoil, therapy isn't considered as within a wider context; there's an insularity about it that is magnified. And the therapy is examined using only the therapy as the referent: it's a temptation inherent in the field, to be sure, but can easily result in an Alice in Wonderland experience. I would say that therapists who encourage such isolation of reflection is a red flag of a process at risk.

Sorry but I find this disingenuous. For me therapy was destructive not because of problems with my therapist's personal ethics or competence, but because the relationship itself was warped right down to its foundation. The repeated references to "transference" obscure and distract from deeper issues. It's like some shell game.

He totally ignored all the things in my email I needed him to pick up on like "Sometimes I do not think it is any technique or modality you use that brings about progress, healing, and or change but it is the interaction we have." and "You are the only healthy way I have been able to calm it but in the same time It is not permanent because "you" are not real." Instead he focused on this; " When I think of never going back to session, instead a sense of relief, everything came flooding right back in. The throwing up, the not wanting to live, intrusive thoughts of self harming, the heavy emptiness, sadness......all the things that got me into therapy to begin with." He used that as a target for EMDR to see if a childhood memory would come up associate with it and session ended early and I do not feel any better.

Moxie, I don't know the ins and outs of your therapy. But therapists will often not respond to statements they believe distort the relationship into something unhealthy. In your statements, you are casting him as the source of your healing. Ethical therapists will not feed such thoughts because they take the focus off your empowerment. He rightly focused attention on the harmful behaviors you cited, trying to diminish their power. He's doing what he should to lessen distress.


You said earlier that your bulimia, self-harm, etc behaviors had lessened since you've been seeing him. That seems like evidence to me that the therapy he's providing is competent. But you clearly have feelings that are trying to shape the relationship in a way that does not support health--and he is resisting them, as he should. That certainly results in painful frustration for you, but the alternative would be very unhealthy.


You also don't seem to be direct with him about what you're feeling: you want him to "pick up on" your feelings, rather than openly discussing them in a more observant way. That's usually seen as a kind of acting out of needs--whenever you engage in the hope (consciously or unconsciously) of provoking a particular reaction or feeling to fill a need, rather than acknowledging your feelings openly about the need. The degree to which you can observe yourself doing this (before, during, or after), and the more honest you can be with him about it, will effect progress and diminish the painful feelings. But at least in this example, he seems to be responding in a productive way.

I come from a family background that included many unmet emotional and physical needs, and I don't think I've experienced all-consuming transference or enmeshment with my therapist. I suppose it could still happen at some point, but regardless I don't think it's a clear-cut causal thing.

I've seen both extremely good and extremely bad therapists, so I also don't think I have rose colored glasses about the whole therapy thing. I do think it's a problem that many therapists aren't equipped to deal well with transference if/when it occurs. I get a lot of comfort out of knowing (at least intellectually) that my current therapist could handle it well and productively if I did become obsessed with him or developed erotic transference.

Moxie, my thoughts about what you have written: the symptoms of bulimia, other ways of self harming, and feeling suicidal, are a big problem. They lead to you harming yourself physically and even putting your life at risk, as well as all the limitations of not being able to really engage in living your life to the best and getting pleasure and joy out of life and living to your full potential. These are all very good reasons to have asked for help and wanted something to change. The fact that you are no longer bulimic and suicidal is IMO a very good indicator that you did the right thing in engaging in therapy and that therapy is helping. Objectively, you are coming to less harm and your life is in less danger than before you started therapy. If you can continue to overcome and move past the problems you mention, then you will be more and more able to engage in healthy relationships with people, to engage in your life and enjoy your life and do well in your life. This is how it happened for me too.
The painful feelings and the attachment are very difficult, as you know I totally understand that, but the pain is coming from the bad and difficult experiences you have been through, as you know and as is written in your signature. However painful it may never I absolutely think it's better than SH and suicide, and you or someone else could see that things are better when they look at how life is going for you at the moment. Have you asked for feedback from anyone about how they think you are doing since you've been going to therapy? You don't have to phrase it exactly like that even, but you could just say 'Do you think things have been any better this year compared to last year, from your perspective' , or even something like if you have an annual performance review at work can you compare it across however many years it has been since you started therapy?
I hope you don't mind my replying here.

I agree with feralkittymom, can you find a way to state clearly to your T something like: "I need discuss to discuss some things that I wrote in my email and hoped you would pick up on. These things worry me and I feel like I need some kind of resolution or better understanding about them"?

It seems to me an overall positive thing that you can observe:

even if that observation is worrying. And, for what it's worth, I think it's OK that it's like that right now. Perhaps your T can reassure you about that, if you can ask him directly. It also seems to me that that observation may be part of what "working through" may be -- to experience your T both as his real, objective, other person AND who he is to you, as you are experiencing him. If that makes any sense.

I also agree with satsuma, that what you are experiencing in therapy currently seems not so bad as what life was like for you without therapy.

Ok you are right....I still need lots of therapy.

I work for myself. I am a mobile personal trainer and massage therapist. No one knows I go to therapy. Maybe my husband knows. I am sure he see's the copay bills.

If no one knows you go to therapy, then in a way their feedback will be more objective and perhaps more valuable, because they wouldn't be aware that they are commenting on the value of your therapy. I wonder if anyone has noticed that you're doing any better now compared to in the past?
Not meaning to hassle you about this. It was just a thought and something that I myself have found helpful.

I feel like I need to talk to another therapist about how I feel about my therapist and maybe help me work towards finding the courage to talk to him about it if that is something that even needs to be done.

EMDR is hard because you do not do any talk therapy about your week or other things in your day to day life. You find a target, watch the lights, and see what comes up. I leave there with the phrase "go with that" stuck in my head. He feels that will get to the core issues if my "parts" are released from their trauma because they do not know it is 2018 and I am in control of my life. Im not sure I am believing that since those "parts" are just me.