In Session Today: Part VI

Also glad you're feeling safer, Summer...

Bonus T session Friday because some rather intense stuff came up in the second half of Thursday's session. Warning: Long!

Went in and sat down. T was wearing his glasses. T: "Let's talk about what made you want to come in today." Me: "Some of the stuff that came up in the second half yesterday brought up a lot of emotions in me." T: "Well, the second half was basically two topics. Part was about how you didn't really get what you needed from your parents as a kid and how you aren't really getting it now either." Me: "Yeah, that brought up a bit of sadness. It hadn't really occurred to me that I'm also not getting what I need from them as an adult. But that wasn't the main thing behind my reaction."

T: "Well, the other part we talked about involved the therapeutic relationship." Me: "Yeah, mainly that part." He asked what affected me. I said how part was that he was saying he'd let me know if I was becoming too needy when it was just a 'little monster' before it became a big one. "At the time, I was just imagining a little monster running around. But when I thought about it later...why is it a 'monster' at all? That word bothered me. And made me worry about being too needy." T said that word was a poor choice. T: "Instead, let's think about it as pebbles vs. a mound. It's better to address things with people while they're still pebbles, before they become a big mound, because then it gets more messy." Me: "OK, I like those terms better."

Me: "The other thing is...when you were talking about what me barking up the wrong tree, looking for things from you, like that I'm not getting from my parents...it made me feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting that." (I started sobbing in there.) T: "There's nothing wrong with you for that. I completely understand that desire. Everyone looks to get needs met from different people." Me: "OK, thanks."

I said another thing that had bothered me was...I couldn't recall his exact wording. But he'd said something about how I may have been looking for unconditional love from ex-MC and him but wouldn't be able to get that because of the nature of the relationship. And I said how that was hard for me because...there was a part of me that sort of wanted to believe that, at least at some point, ex-MC had loved me. Not, like, romantically, but... I forget what T said to that. I think he was just clarifying what I said. I said I knew ex-MC would have never told me, but it helped me sometimes to think it was true.

T asked me what emotions those things brought out in me. I said partly shame (from feeling I was looking for something from the wrong people) and some sadness.

I said how there was some stuff I was afraid to share with him, like this one dream or a thought I'd had when leaving a couple weeks ago. So we got into a discussion about things to share vs. not to share with people. He said when he was under supervision when first starting, if he thought once to himself, "I want to hit my supervisor over the head with a club because she annoys me," that wouldn't be a useful thing to tell her. But if he kept thinking that, it could be important to bring up. He said it also wouldn't be appropriate to say to her, "You look hot today!" I said maybe she'd say the same back to him, and he said that would be even more of an issue.

He mentioned the interns he oversaw over the summer and said if one of them had told him, "You look hot today," then that would continue to live in the relationship. I said, "Wouldn't you just say, 'I'm flattered'?" He said that is probably how he'd reply, adding, "But then the sexual tension has been brought into the room. Maybe it had existed before anyway, but now that it's been vocalized, it's always there." (I didn't say this, but I wondered what my comments in the past that I think he's attractive in general or that I occasionally have fantasies about him would fall into that category? As I do feel some sexual tension in there at times...)

He was talking about in my marriage to H, there could be topics that are difficult to bring up. That I need to think whether there's a potential benefit to bringing them up, or if it would be more likely to just cause harm. I said that sometimes it's hard to tell. He agreed, saying that, for example, if we're having issues in our sex life, that's a difficult topic, but a necessary one. I said if it annoyed me how he slurps his coffee, that's probably not useful. He agreed.

He also said it's better to bring up something early than to wait for it to build up, because then it explodes and can get messy. I said for example, when H was training for a marathon, if it was bothering me that he prioritized his runs over other things, if I waited till months in and then was like, "Why do you have to go for a 3-hour run this morning when I wanted to do something?" T said, "Or, 'Why do you have to f***ing run so much?'" Me: "Exactly. So I'd want to say something earlier on."

I said how I often wondered what to share with him (T). That since coming back 2 months ago, I feel things have been going well and been quite productive. But that I also think maybe I'm trying to be the client he wants me to be, in the sense of not really focusing on the therapeutic relationship. And it occurred to me in the shower that morning that it was like what we'd talked about recently, how I would do that with certain people in my life, like my former best friend, where I just tried to meet their needs without being myself. And how if I was doing that with him, it wasn't a good thing. But I was also afraid of messing up the therapy.

I forget what he said. I said how I do need to talk about the relationship sometimes. Because otherwise, things can build up in me and eventually become an issue. I brought up the standing when I leave thing. And returned to his saying it's better to talk about things when they're pebbles. Me: "I waited until that had become a huge mound. I think that's probably why it blew up the way it did. Because I'd waited until it had bothered me for a long time to say anything." T: "Yes, I was confused by how strongly you'd reacted to that. Because I hadn't realized you were thinking it for that long. So it felt like a big rejection to you. Where if you'd said something to me early on, I might have just said I didn't want to do that, and it would have just been fine with you." Me: "Yeah...."

I went back to wanting to share something for fear of it building up and causing issues. But I was afraid to say it. I think T said it was up to me? I finally said, "So, a couple weeks ago, when I was leaving session, I had this thought flash through my head: 'I love you.' And I didn't mean it romantically, but more about what you'd given me that day, that it was something that I needed. But I was afraid you'd have run out of the room if I said it." I was crying pretty hard at this point. I covered my eyes and said, "Please don't make me leave..." T (quietly): "I'm not going to do that." Me: "OK." It took me a while to get up the courage to look at him.

Me: "Because it's not really that I love *you*--because I know that I don't really know you. But that I love what you had given me in that moment." T: "I understand." Me: "OK. Because what happened with ex-MC...(when I emailed him the "I love you so much"), I don't think that was really romantic love either but everyone seemed to think it was and it messed everything up. And I don't want this to mess everything up with you. Like I'm afraid not you won't want to shake my hand or will keep your distance." T: "I have no intention of changing anything like that. I understand. It's OK." Me: "OK." T: "And if it does seem like I'm doing anything differently, please tell me in the moment, because I might not realize it." Me: "OK, I will."

Me: "I'm probably going to worry about this until next session, that you're going to change your mind about it being OK." T: "I'm not going to change my mind." Me: "OK." We talked for a few more minutes, then it was time to stop. I said I'd appreciated the extra session. T said he was glad it had worked out. T: "I imagine we aren't done with the conversation about the 'I love you' bubble." Me: "Yeah. I like the idea of it being a cartoon bubble over my head." T made a "poof!" sound and smiled.

I'd forgotten to pay at the beginning, but he processed my card while standing up. Me: "Are you sure you're OK with what i said?" T: "Yes." He gave me my card back, then held out his hand to me. We shook hands as he said, "Try to have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "Try not to stress about this too much. All is well on my end." Me: "OK, I'll do my best." T: "Take care." Me: "You, too."

Replies/comments welcome.

I saw my Pdoc today. I told him I had been going through a lot of physical stuff this year. He asked me like what. I explained about the sinus infection earlier in the year. Then I mentioned the cellulitis infection and how I have been feeling off ever since. He asked if he could bring my mom in the office and I said yeah. He said that I could actually have lingering side effects from the cellulitis that are still affecting me. I told him about the PVC and going for the halter monitor today. He wants the review and seemed legit concerned about it. and he wants me to do a second sleep study since I didn’t sleep for the first one. The session was kinda confusing but my mom was in the room with me so she got all the details. But basically he just confirmed I was right and I’ve been feeling not right because of the cellulitis infection I had a couple weeks ago.

I saw my t yesterday. I wasn’t planning to talk about it, but we ended up spending the majority of the time talking about how my husband responded to me being suicidal on Friday by yelling and saying some really hurtful things.

Then, I managed to bring up feeling hurt by my t letting me leave after I expressed how suicidal I was at our last session. I told him that him letting me walk out like that made me feel like he didn’t care and didn’t take me seriously. I explained too that it takes away that safety net of knowing that even if I don’t directly tell him “I think I need to go to the hospital,” (because I likely won’t come out and say that when I need it) he will push for it if I really can’t agree to staying safe. He said that he had made a judgment call and it was the wrong judgment call. He also said something along the lines of the human being in him wants to explain all the reasons why he does of course care, etc., but what he hopes is that the way that he’s been with me in the past and will continue to be in the future will instead show his care (except he didn’t use the word care; I can’t remember the exact wording he used).

I’m not sure what to do because in the 3 years I’ve been seeing my t, I’ve brought up feeling hurt by something he said/did maybe like 5 times, and each time I’ve felt better after we talked about it. This is the first time I don’t feel better after bringing it up to him, and I’m not sure why or how to proceed now. I don’t know if it’s just my issue and something I need to get over, or if I need to talk it out more with him.

Thoughts and comments are appreciated!!

My session with T went decent today. I said in a nice way I didn’t want to come but I didn’t want to be charged a lot of money. She didn’t really say much except she indicated that I would have been charged for missing the session. She mentioned possible selective mutism and that the wires are making me so physically uncomfortable because of my autism. I was really sleep deprived so I probably said some goofy stuff. She was sitting cross legged on her office chair and now I’m wondering how she actually did that. I don’t make eye contact with her that much so I wasn’t paying attention.

I wrote out a reply and lost it. Ugh.

It sounds to me like you needed more from your T - more evidence of his care in that moment, and his saying he wants his past actions to speak for themselves just doesn't cut it? I can understand that if so. It's very hard for many people to get a sense of consistent caring, especially not from memories alone. You needed to feel it from T in that moment, to get some reassurance, and that's okay. Maybe you also need to process the anger, disappointment or whatever else you may feel at having to leave the session feeling suicidal and not having T react in his usual way that shows his care and concern. It might help to discuss all this with T and say how it's left you feeling. I think it's very normal to need constant reassurance that they care especially when you feel disappointed by the way they were with you. It doesn't take much for me to doubt my T's care, even if her text response is shorter than usual lol, then I need reassurance from her that it's okay to text as per our boundaried agreement. She reassures me that it is. If you hear the words enough, some day I think you don't need them so much anymore as you just know. But it takes a lot of reassurance to reach that point.

@SummerTime12: definitely bring it up again. It's too early to throw the baby out (with the...)

I'm sorry that talking to him about it didn't help. I've found that sometimes I need to have multiple conversations with my T (or in the past, ex-MC) about things he's said or done that have hurt or bothered me. It sometimes needs to be a longer conversation. So I suggest talking it out more.

Also, regarding his saying he wants to show vs. tell you about caring, I'm someone who wants to hear the words as well (not just from my T, from anyone). I was just talking a couple sessions ago about how now I'm finally coming to realize how some people, including him and H, show their care (or love in H's case). He said it seemed like a lot of progress.


I think it can be difficult to trust our own impressions of people and accept that they care. So words are easier. It also might help to tell him that you need the words sometimes. When do you see him next? If you think you'd have trouble saying how you're feeling, you could write/type it, then hand it to him at the start of session (or possibly email, if he allows it, but he might reply to the email saying you should discuss it next session).

Exam tomorrow and I woke up in a panic today which hasn't actually happened for a while now.

I've just been feeling much more anxious- maybe it's just cause of the coffee I've been drinking.

P.s I could tell our rupture was over yesterday when I laughed and poked fun at you saying that I think you're as nutty as I am.

I had a session last week where T brought up Christmas as I was walking out of the door. He is taking off slightly more than usual, but only slightly. But it was hard, then a day later, my supervisor thoughtlessly offered to tell me how he and his wife met. I really struggled and asked for an emergency session via Skype, which, to be fair he offered me within a couple of hours. That session was okay, not great. I was in the middle of a freakout so I don't remember much but I do remember that he seemed really disconnected at first, but then later he said (about my childhood) "you shouldn't have had to do that, you should have been having fun and learning about life" then he was very quiet and was leaning forward so I couldn't see his face then he leaned back, looking and sounding tearful and said "wow, took a while for that sadness to come through the computer screen".

Afterwards, the next day, I was struggling a lot. I mean, a LOT. I emailed him and I said that I feel that he can empathise with young echos, but not here and now echos, and how I need him to be able to understand my here and now pain too.

Today T said that I was right, that it was easier for him to empathise with the pain I felt as a child than it is to empathise with the pain i feel towards T. He said sometimes that is really hard for him. He agreed that I need him to empathise with me now. I talked about how WFS here on PC had called him talking about Christmas a "doorknob moment" and that I think it is true- he has previously had difficulty talking to me about breaks and I think that's what happened again. T said yes, he was acting from his unconscious discomfort with talking to me about breaks, and he was sorry.
I told him about a dream I had about him which was pretty graphic, and he looked a bit shocked, and I said I think it is about my worth. We linked it to the christmas break thing, I started by saying that it felt like a conversation about my worth. I tailed off and said "I don't know" T said "you DO know Echos. That conversation, as far as you were concerned was in the currency of your worth". I said, it's not my worth that I was questioning, I don't feel my worth or question what you think of it, I was hurt because you said "I AM taking the 2 weeks off" as though I was going to argue with that. If we are using the analogy of currency, if you are telling me that you are having two weeks off, I am not going to haggle.
T said "If you think I don't think you are worth much then you SHOULD haggle... because you are worth a lot".
He asked if I believe him. He asked if I thought I made a positive difference to his life, if his relationship with me meant something to him. I said I do believe that. I was quiet for a while and then I said "there are all sorts of qualifications with that". He nodded. I said I wanted to say "but you would still boot (UK slang for kick) me off a cliff if you thought it would protect the people you love. Things can make a positive difference to your life but not mean that much".
T said "Ouch". I said "is that your ouch or mine?" T said "mine I think. That hurt". I said "well, I am sorry". T said "you don't need to be sorry". I said "I dont think it was wrong for me to say it, but I am sorry it hurt you". T said "I get that.".

We talked about empathy. I said I want him to feel the pain in a way because it is the pain inside of me all the time. T said yes, and tried to reassure me that it doesnt stay with him in the same way it does with me. I said I feel selfish, but that doesnt feel like he really feels the pain. We talked more about empathy, and spending my whole life walking the tightrope of needing the connection and fearing hurting others.
We didn't really reach a resolution as such, the end was nearing.
I said I am sad we are not wrapping this up neatly. T said "me too, I just want to give you a big hug" I said "let's do it then" and we stood up and he squeezed me so tight. I said "I love you" he said "I love you too, and I'm sorry I hurt you" I said "it's okay" and he said "it's not okay. You deserve better." We looked at each other, said goodbye and I left.

(I forgot to mention, it was so cold there today, I had to wear my coat. I think T felt a bit bad for not being able to warm up the building enough. He said he had been away for two days and thr building had been sat cold. He said the walls were cold)

@Lonelyinmyheart @Amyjay @LonesomeTonight

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on my session! I feel a little better about it today. I think it’s because I’m realizing it’s much less about him and more about me, but I’m definitely still going to talk about it at our next session. We had a phone call today because I was really suicidal again, and I realized what’s going on is that I’ve been feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt for simply existing and using up resources, which then makes anything that even slightly points to my t not caring about me become magnified x100 in my mind as evidence that I do not deserve anything.

I find therapy so challenging as a person with DID, I don't understand it at all. I don't understand what happens in the therapy room or how it happens, or why it happens, because it is SO removed from my every day life. Is the stuff that happens in there even real? Every week we go to therapy and this - STUFF - happens and then we leave and continue on with real life. Cue the next week, when we find ourselves in the therapy room again and - STUFF - carries on as though it is real.
I don't understand me, I don't understand "us", I don't understand "I", and I don't understand "therapy".
I am trying to!

Today’s session was a welcome opportunity to exhale after the service. R came in and sat down before saying she would have a bit of trouble getting on the floor today.
‘Somebody drove into the back of my car. I am OK, I just have a bit of a sore back.’
‘Is that also a way of saying you got my e-mail?’
‘Yes, I got your e-mail and reread it last night. How was the event? We saw one another on Thursday, so you had two days afterwards to prepare, or build it up.’
‘it was odd, because I felt OK about it on Thursday, but as it got closer I experienced stomach symptoms. I looked in the cupboard beforehand and found that there were no tissues. That was the beginning of falling apart. It sounds stupid now.’
‘No – what I hear is that your way of preparing for the worst case scenario wasn’t available to you.’
I continued to describe how we had arrived in town a little early for the event, and I asked mum whether she wanted to look for glasses in an effort to walk around the shop and ground.
‘When we arrived, a choir of schoolchildren were singing If You’re Happy And You Know It.’

‘Oh, dear.’

‘They finished, and I strained to hear the busker playing “Moonshadow”. I heard the last verse “Did it take long to find me, I asked the faithful light? Did it take long to find me, and are you gonna stay the night?”

It became apparent that we should have gone in first. The children were preparing for their procession. I was so focused on getting to my seat that it turned into a non-issue.’

‘Could you hear it at that point?’

‘Yes.’

‘How do you feel now, having dealt with that?’

‘I feel disappointed that I didn’t handle it better. I met a parent of a schoolfriend outside, and then met a friend who tried to give me a hug. It turned into a lean, because if I had allowed the hug, I would have broken down.’

‘An awkward hug, then. It sounds like your guard was way up.’

‘There were people I wanted to meet but didn’t.’ I continued. ‘And then there was the other part.’

‘The Lord’s Prayer.’

‘Yes.’

‘Can you talk me through what happened with those last few lines?’

‘Forgiveness…forgiveness brought up a lot for me in relation to the discovery over the last month. I was very angry, and I don’t remember being angry in that kind of situation before.’

‘If your anger is that present, I don’t think forgiveness is even on the table.’

We talked about the way my anger makes me feel – physically ill, and my response to others’ anger – walking away.

‘I am weighing how to say this.’

‘Turn the filter down, and just say it.’

‘When I am on my own with my anger, it feels unsafe.’

‘Physically, or emotionally, or all of the above?’

‘Emotionally.’

R noted that my filter is way up when I am talking about anger, and she also senses that I am more comfortable with sadness.

‘With sadness, tears dry and there are tissues.’

‘There are tangible ways of dealing with sadness.’

‘If my anger were a physical object, I wouldn’t even feel comfortable passing it to you.’

‘You are really uncomfortable with anger. What are some tangible ways you could deal with anger? Leaving aside this huge situation for a moment, say somebody pissed you off.’

‘OK, you’ve really hurt me. The door closes and that is that. With this there’s a hybrid because it is a situation and there are people involved.’

R and I worked out that I am scared of anger, in myself and others. We will continue to work on ways that I can deal with it. She said that she might call a friend, or depending on how close the relationship is, let the person know they have made her angry.
R said that the fact I went to the event is huge. It shows that I am developing resilience.

‘And reaffirms my desire not to touch That Song with a ten-foot pole.’

We have four weeks before the festive break.

T Tuesday. I was feeling nervous because the previous Friday, I'd mentioned how I had the thought "I love you" while leaving session recently. I'd sent him an email Sunday night confirming that he was still OK with what I'd shared, and he'd replied with "All is well."

Went back and sat down. I think it was probably obvious that I was nervous. Talked about some random stuff like his fish (the red betta in the fishbowl next to my seat) and fantasy football. T was smiling a lot and joking around a bit, so that made me feel better, that everything was, in fact, OK. I thanked him for the email reply, and he said it was incredibly easy to reply to, like a 0.5 on a scale of 1-10. I said his response was exactly what I needed, how I'd done well Saturday because I was busy all day and evening, but then had more time to think Sunday. He said was fine re:email.

I filled him in on how I'd tried to suggest different options to H for that Saturday's date night, as he'd suggested. He seemed puzzled, like he didn't remember why he suggested it. I said I'd told him (T) I'd felt we were missing out on novelty, then he was like, "Oh, right!" I said I'd suggested seeing a play, and H had been like, "Eh, I don't feel like seeing a play tonight." I mentioned an escape room (we've never done one), and H was like, "Eh, I'm not into escape rooms." He agreed on bowling, but then the place was too crowded, so we just ended up at a pub across the street.

Talked about my frustration that I was trying to come up with ideas, but H didn't seem that interested. Like, is it worth it to come up with ideas? T said maybe he's just a guy who is more into routine, and there's nothing wrong with being like that, though could be a conflict if I want to do other things. I said I have that issue at times with restaurants, like we sometimes try a new place, but then tend to just go back to the old places, with the exception of one we'd been to recently. Is the solution to let H come up with the ideas? T wasn't sure, but said to discuss it with him.

I nervously brought up the thing from Friday again, saying, "I guess we need to discuss that more today." T asked why. I said how at the end of last session, he'd said, "I imagine we're not done discussing the 'I love you' thought bubble." So I figured he meant we'd have to continue the discussion today. T said no, that he just meant he figured it would come up again at some point, not that we had to talk about it. I said, "Oh, OK. I was just worried because with ex-MC, when I'd shared that--OK, they were different tones and different circumstances--but he'd said, 'Of course it's OK,' but also that it was a big deal and he thought I needed to talk about it with him or with you. And then it turned out to not be OK. So I worried that's what was going on here." T said it wasn't.

Me: "OK, I admit I made the mistake this morning of going back and looking at the email and text exchanges with ex-MC around that time, then started feeling bad about them again." T: "Why do you even still have them saved?" Me: "I don't know. That's a good question. I still have the voicemail, too. But in a way, the voicemail makes sense, because it's from a time I felt he was really caring. But the texts were painful, so I don't know why I still have them...maybe to remind me I wasn't making things up about his reaction? Maybe i should delete them or else like save them to hidden folder."

T said how keeping them could mean I was holding on to that stuff with ex-MC. Like keeping old love letters. I said but with those, they're generally stashed in a box in the back of a closet. But these, all I have to do is search his name in Gmail or look at the text string on my phone, so easier access. He said but with letters, you could come across them randomly when cleaning out your closet. I said I'd give more thought to deleting the stuff.

I started talking about how the past few days and nights had gone with my D. Her being awake multiple times a night a couple of the nights, screaming at us all morning before school the day before. T seemed really empathetic and was concerned about my disrupted sleep. He said how in the hierarchy, it's air, then water, then sleep--how it even comes before eating. I said I didn't realize that. And I said how it's affecting my functioning in various areas, like struggling more to focus on work. T: "Of course it does." I said I also felt like some self-care had fallen away, like exercise, eating well. He said that made sense, how lack of undisrupted sleep can affect everything.

I started crying. Me: "Sometimes I feel like I'm just barely managing. Like, I manage to get all my work done, but I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job. I had to cancel plans with a friend later this week because I have so much to do, so it was just causing me more stress. And it's not like there's some particular end in site, like it's not, 'well, I just have to get through the next 2 weeks' or something." I think I saw T wipe away tears then and at another point during this topic (like wiped under one eye, then the other, not like his eyes were itchy and he was rubbing them).

I forget what T said there--something supportive and validating. We talked a bit more about that--at one point he compared it to treading water. I said, "Yeah, and it's not like there's someone right there to throw a life preserver, or I see a boat off in the distance, so I just have to hold on a bit more." He seemed sad. T: "We really need to figure out a solution to this." Me: "Regarding my sleep issues?" T: "Regarding D's sleeping. We have to figure something out. You can't go on like this." Me: "Yeah...it's exhausting." His use of "we" made it feel like we're a team, that he's sort of in the trenches with me trying to help. I don't recall him doing the "we" thing much before, if at all.

Checked schedule, he said he just had me for Wednesday the next week (Thanksgiving week)--is that what I wanted? I said I was debating Monday, too and asked if he had anything. He said he had a few slots available, that I didn't need to decide right then, that "You know where to find me."

I'd forgotten to pay at the beginning, but he processed my card while standing up, then opened the door and held out his hand. T: "Hope you have a good few days." Me: "You too." T: "And good luck with D. Oh and with..." he pointed to the office next door, which is where D's T (P) is, who H and I were seeing the next day. Me: "Thanks."

Bit of a weird moment in t today right at the end when I told her I was really struggling with her getting married next year (to her male partner) and then started laughing manically at myself. I still can't believe I actually said it. T, bless her, wasn't at all fazed and just said we can talk about it as there's lots of time to do that.

She really is lovely.

I told her that my gender issues are a lot more severe then she knows. I told her about i’ve wanted a mastectomy since I was 12. And I told her that basically the only reason I am so particular about my weight and how I look is because I am terrified of looking too feminine. I told her my mom doesn’t get it and she wants my mom to come in next session. She was really thankful that I gave her an answer about what my disordered thoughts with food and body image are caused by.

My guard was way up during today’s session . I thanked R for the e-mail regarding autism training. Then I ended up on a tangent about my rejected article. After we talked about that for a bit, R said:
‘You asked me to ask you about P. I don’t know whether you wanted to start there, but I remembered your e-mail.’
‘I asked you to ask me about P because The Critic isn’t involved if it is a direct conversation.’ I told The Critic to go away.
‘The thing is – it’s quite something when a professional all but says they don’t think you are capable of dealing with your own stuff.’ I continued:
‘At that time the focus was on the cinema experience. And I quote: ‘if I am going to facilitate you getting back to that place you were in in the cinema, I need to know that you can cope without your shell.’
‘What jumps out at me there is ‘I need to know.’ How does that make you feel?’
‘I feel angry and hurt.’ R praised me for naming emotions.

‘It would be like me saying: ‘Lost, before we talk about this, I need to know that you aren’t going to get emotional.’

‘Is it even possible to do therapy that way?’

‘I feel anger on your behalf. Working in that field involves being able to hold difficult emotions.’
‘I feel as though my anger is a barrier to living my life…and I don’t want it to be a barrier to our relationship. Those words echo like the stuff I am trying to process.’

‘It’s difficult, if not impossible to unheard things. I want to say some words, and I am going to say them louder, in the hope that they sink in. I can hear difficult things. I can hold difficult things. Within our relationship, you are free to be you. I can write something if you would like, or put it in an email.’

‘That would be useful.’

‘Don’t ask me to repeat it…One more thing. Within this space – you are safe.’

‘Thank you.’

I let that sink in for a moment and then began to talk about my desire to let people in. ‘I know how to give, but I don’t know how to receive. The only time I have allowed myself to receive, it was taken away.’
‘Just to clarify – I think I know what you are talking about, but are you referring to your relationship with Chris?’

‘Yes…and that is stupid and sad.’

‘It’s stupid and sad?’

‘Everything I wanted to give to Chris, but could no longer give, I gave to them. Such a waste of a huge part of my life, and the best parts of myself.’

‘Which you gave freely?’
‘I am so flipping tired…no. I am so ****ing tired of being brave.’

‘Stay with it…what else are you tired of?’

‘I am tired of pretending this didn’t happen.’

I talked about the layers of the situation, and R explained that if we take away the ‘didn’t happen’, we are left with what I was told, and my feelings.

‘It sounds like you are trying to say that because it didn’t happen, you don’t need to feel it.’
‘But that’s avoidance, with a capital A.’
‘I’ve spent a whole session not talking about the thing I wanted to talk about.’

‘I hear your disappointment. Have I colluded in your avoidance?’
‘The Critic, or the version of P that exists in my head…I’m not sure whether they’re the same…is still saying it’s not safe.’
We have decided that we will discuss the anger more directly next week.

I saw the therapist for another session on Wednesday because I'd gotten all upset after the one on Tuesday, and it just went downhill until I had a meltdown because my sister was unkind and sent the therapist a hailstorm of text messages. I didn't mention my sister or that she had just hurt my feelings, either. I just lashed out about other stuff.

Anyway, I was surprised the therapist responded on Wednesday morning and asked if I wanted to come in and talk about all the garbage I'd thrown at her. Anyway, I went and she was all Susannah I hope you're going to talk to me about this stuff you texted me and not just turn away and not talk. So then I felt pressured.

Anyway, I regretted saying all that stuff that I did in my texts because she does this thing where she'll whip her phone out and read me what I said. It's embarrassing to have your meltdowns narrated to you and then have the therapist say so tell me about that, Susannah.

Also she had called me spiteful in one of her text responses, so I had to explain that yes, I said I was going to do this one thing and was motivated by spite at the time, but the reason I ended up doing it had nothing to do with being spiteful but was the responsible decision.

Then she wanted to talk about how I had accused her and C of conspiring against me. They don't like the guy I've been seeing and it's accurate to say they are conspiring to make me cut contact with him.

The therapist revealed that C had been a snitching snitch who snitches and told my private business to the therapist. The therapist demanded to know if I wanted to do this one specific thing with him. Honestly, I don't, and it made me feel ashamed that she knew about that.

Then she started grilling me and basically trying to make me feel like **** about the way things are going with this guy. Thing is, she seemed to be assuming I love him and want some sort of long term relationship or something. He's ok but it's not a serious relationship. So her asking if I've met his family and friends honestly felt irrelevant. I have no desire to meet his family or friends, let alone spend time with them. She seemed to be suggesting he's hiding me or something. He could be, but I'd never know since I've made it known I am not interested in socializing. I am also highly resistant to going out 90% of the time, so her asking if he takes me on dates was also irrelevant. He tends to want to go out but I don't want to bother. Sometimes we get some ice cream.

Somehow, she extracted a promise from me that I wouldn't do any stuff with him until all my schoolwork is done - or at least until we talk next week. But I think I just won't go next week and do as I like.

Today’s session started off being about anger, but ended up being about self-compassion. R arrived and then said:
‘I’ve left something I had for you in the car – I’ll be right back.’ She came back in and handed me a piece of paper with three typed statements.
‘I hope that helps as a reminder within our relationship.’
‘Thank you…’ I took a deep breath. ‘Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘I have had a difficult time keeping it together since last week. A couple of micro-anniversaries happened. The 29th of November is the anniversary of George Harrison’s death…We’ve been working together for three years, you know how I feel about George Harrison.’
‘Yes.’

‘The day after was the anniversary of my starting the blog.’

‘Was that a coincidence?’
‘No…it was intended. I believe there’s a heightened creative energy around that time, a Georgeness, if that makes sense.’
‘It does.’
‘That ties it all together actually. You asked me why I hadn’t mentioned the blog. The original purpose of the blog was to chronicle my experience in the aftermath of Chris’ death, and if certain other things hadn’t happened, or I hadn’t got caught up in the situation, it would have run its course by December or January. As it was, it reached 15,000 people, and that is amazing. Something I did reaching that many people.’
‘It truly is.’
‘And yet, when I woke up on the 30th, my first thought was ‘It’s all a lie, it’s all a lie, it’s all a lie.’
‘Was the blog about the experience, or your feelings, or a kind of ‘how to’?’
‘I started writing about my feelings, but it led to writing for other websites when other people discovered it.’
‘I think we talked about this last week. The events did not happen, but you had an emotional response. Your feelings happened.’
‘I didn’t take any action on it, because I put so much work in that it feels self-destructive, but the 30th of November may as well be called Delete The Blog Day.’
‘You wanted to get rid of it?’
‘I thought to myself “Should I write something? Or should I delete the blog?” It is still there. The home page is a letter I wrote in 2013 or 2015 about my work taking me in a different direction. I could not have known what would happen next.’
‘When you talk like that, I see you reflecting back, and then you catch yourself and counter with what you know now…and you sort of devaluate…I’ve made up another word, I need my own dictionary…or invalidate yourself.’
‘When I tried to write something, the words would not come, or I could not find the words. Confusing writing with Scrabble.’
‘Where are my words?’ We laughed.
‘I always think there will be an end point to my drawings, but not yet. When the words wouldn’t come, I drew this.’
‘I love these! Do you want to explain it to me?’
‘Central figure…obviously. Less obviously, me.’ I pointed to a figure on ‘my’ left. ‘Those people or the Critic. Actually, Critic…and those people in the background. The gold figure on the right…you.’
R pointed out that the placement was interesting. I look like I am stepping on the Critic’s foot, whilst ‘she’ is behind me. I explained that the placement is different because this one was drawn freehand, as I have misplaced my guide. R said it would be interesting to compare this latest piece with the others.
‘It would be interesting to compare with ‘The Story Keeper.’ I said I would bring that next week.
Then we moved into the meat of the session – my inexpressible anger. I started to talk about the way in which those people infringed on my boundaries.
‘I said “Please don’t send the photographs”, and they sent eight sodding emails full of pictures and videos.’
‘Keep going,’ R urged softly.
‘I did not need to feel like I was in the room. For what they sent me, they may as well have sent the medical reports.’ I mentioned that Chris hadn’t discussed health stuff with me until she had to.
‘It sounds like what you experienced with Chris was true give and take. Quite rare in any relationship. There wasn’t much being given in the other…’
‘And what was given was part of the ruse. We didn’t want to tell you this, but…’ There is no but.’ In that conversation I paused twice for breath, and wished I had some water.
‘They made it impossible for me to offer my compassion, the best part of me. Before I would have willingly emptied my cup.’
‘What jumps out at me there is emptied. Not given half. At that time it seems to me that your boundaries were way down, and they trampled them further. As somebody who cares about you, I feel anger on your behalf.’
R continued: ‘If you are walking in the desert with someone and you empty your cup into theirs, it does not work.’
‘That’s the end.’
‘You can still be an empath and a compassionate person if you keep half your cup.’

R apologised for going a bit deep at the end, and triple-checked I was OK. Two more sessions before the break, and we will resume on the 9th of January.

Extra session Friday to address stuff with drinking that had come up partway through the previous session. T, wearing his glasses, retrieved me, and I went back and sat down. When I'd texted to ask for an extra session Thursday (a couple hours after I'd left my regular session), he'd said, "Hope you're OK," which isn't something he'd usually include in that sort of text (usually he'd just offer a time). And he said I could send him an email explaining if I wanted, which I had.

He said he thought my email was a perfect summation of my thoughts. I said how it wasn't like a crisis, but that I wanted to talk about the topic more ASAP. Because maybe something would happen over weekend, then our focus would shift to that. How alcohol is a recurring topic, but then moves to backburner.

I told him how I'd started to be ready to make a change with some stuff that happened at the end of summer, but then had the rupture with him (he looked a bit sad when I said that). So I felt it was not the right time to be doing that, without having regular therapist support. I started seeing him again, but then all that stuff started going on with D that was stressful. Plus I had been trying to rebuild trust with him. But that I realized there was no perfect time. T agreed, saying how he sees D as a regular stressor, and that my relationship with H can be, too. T: "And over the past 5 years, I'd guess therapy has been as well." Me: "True..."

Me: "I was trying to figure out when it started to hit this point." T: "Is it really necessary to figure that out?" Me: "I don't know. Like maybe I should just focus on where I am now and go from there?" T said how we know two of the main reasons I use alcohol--as a coping mechanism and also as a positive association with H and other things.

I said how part of me wondered if he is sort of rolling his eyes, like, "Oh, this again?" How I keep mentioning it but don't really change. Me: "Or perhaps it's really me thinking that?" T said he's not inwardly rolling his eyes at me. Me: "That's good. And if you were outwardly rolling them at me, that would probably be time for me to leave!" T agreed. He said that the things I've said recently and in past year are signs that I am ready to change. T: "I'm definitely seeing progress." Me: "OK, good. It helps that you're seeing that. Because I feel I am, but then have trouble sticking with it." T: "It's very difficult." Me: "Yeah, it also helps that you understand that."

T: "I feel it's my responsibility to help you with this. We're in this together, and I should be helping you figure it out." Me: "I appreciate your saying that." (It particularly struck me because during the rupture a few months ago, over email, when I'd asked him to "give me hope" in a more general sense, he'd said, "How is that my responsibility?" Which hurt me. So now his saying this thing *is* his responsibility affected me.) He reiterated that his role is to help me through it. Me: "I mean, if at some point, you decide it's above your paygrade and feel you need to refer me to R (addictions expert) or the other addictions expert you mentioned working here for a bit, I would understand, and that would be OK." T: "That sounds like how I'd phrase it, too, the 'above my paygrade.'" Me: "Yeah, that's why I said it that way."

I said I felt like I needed to figure out what was underlying it. I shared something a friend had sent me from a book on a different approach to addiction, that basically said if you don't address the underlying causes and feelings, then attempts at stopping likely won't be successful. And that I feel that's what I've been trying to do with him. He agreed.

I said I was thinking the night before about whether I'm partly using beer to keep from really feeling certain emotions. Me: "Like after a session sometimes, I might still be feeling sad, so I'll go someplace to do work and have a couple beers. Because I feel if I just went home, then I'd sit there and cry for an hour and don't want to do that, especially if I have work to do. But then I was thinking last night, maybe I just need to let myself feel them?" T said maybe and added something he's said before about how the emotions are going to come out in *some* way or another.

I said how it feels safe to let my emotions out with him in session. How a couple weeks ago, I'd been really sobbing in there, and after I left, I felt lighter and didn't feel the need to cry anymore. Like I'd let something out that I'd needed to. He referenced something like...emotional bathing maybe? I forget. But he agreed that sometimes you just need to get them out.

I said that fit for sadness, but that I feel I need more help with anger, like that's something we need to work with more. Me: "I know I've been able to express it more with you, but it's hard because I know you might also express it back." T: "I thought you'd feel this was a safer place to do that, because it doesn't actually threaten the relationship." Me: "It's still scary to me." T looked sad. (I think this topic needs to be continued later.)

He said with emotions, he was going to use an analogy that he typically uses with younger clients. He said emotions are a bit like a porcupine. How it can have all its quills out and be quite sharp. But if you relax with it (or the emotions), and let it calm down, you'll find that the porcupine is actually quite soft. (It crossed my mind that this was perhaps a good analogy for T himself, but I didn't say that at the time.)

I said I think I need to work more on anxiety coping skills with him as well. That I'd started working on that back in beginning with ex-T. But got away from some of it. How I work on it from time to time with him. But think I need more techniques to deal with that. He said we could do some more breathing and meditation exercises, that we could practice each session together (we did that once months ago, and it was...nice).

The idea of distractions came up, and I mentioned using music. He said how it's been said that art is emotion in a visual form, so music could be emotion in an audio form. I said how in high school and college, I'd often listen to music through headphones before bed to help process emotions. That I also did more writing back then, like poetry. Do I maybe need to be creating something? Doing more writing, more painting. He said how creativity can be a good outlet. I said I did start my therapy memoir earlier in the week. T: "Marvelous!"

At the end, after confirming I was set for next week, I started to stand up and realized T was still sitting. T: "I wanted to clarify something with you." Me: "OK." He said that when he talks about things like how people tend to have more success with total abstinence than moderation, he's speaking in generalities. He's not talking about me specifically. I said OK. He said he got the sense from my email that I thought he was speaking more to me. I said I kinda did. He wanted to make sure that he's just passing along what he's learned. Me: "So it could be that I'd be successful at it." T: "Yes." Me: "OK, thank you for clarifying that."

Then he stood up. I got my things and threw away my tissue pile. T started saying "Enjoy." I said, "you, too." We shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "You, too. Thanks for the extra session." T: "Sure."

The session was helpful and gave me a lot to think about. I'm still processing some of it, and we continued discussing some of it in my regular session today.

I called my t this morning and asked if I could see her today and if I could go back to Monday’s instead of Tuesday’s. She said yeah. I saw her at 11:45. We talked about my transition plans and the doctor. I had called her last Wednesday and had left a message saying I now had my family’s full support. She told me that voicemail made her so happy and she even talked about it without mentioning my name in a LGBTQ meeting she was apart of. I told her I have bad PMS and that I always seem to have existential crisis on Mondays after the weekend. At the end of my session she told me she thinks I’m doing a lot better then I think. And that made me feel better that she thought that.

So....last night's session with Pastor T. It went well. Better than I expected. We had to talk about my recent sui attempt of course. He had knee surgery a few weeks ago and is on pain meds, but he said he didn't want to skip another week with me and this was before I told him about the attempt. We spent a lot of time unpacking it, what went wrong, the spiraling etc. There didn't seem to be any specific triggers for it. I have suicidal thoughts A LOT but sometimes they get out of control and the hard part for me is to know when they have crossed the line into a crisis sort of situation. So, we came up with a safety plan that I think is better than the one that regular T came up with. He said to talk to three friends (before things get bad) and to set up something with them where if I am having too many suicidal thoughts too many days in a row (we picked three days) that I would contact them and they would (if they agree) one would contact me in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one at night. Just to check on me. Also call my regular T at that time. Then in three more days if things haven't gotten better to go to the hospital. And to already know which hospital to go to. So today I went online and found out which psych hospitals take my insurance. The closest one is maybe an hour and 15 minutes away. He told me how to self-report or something like that.

Then we talked about SH some. That was hard. He wants to challenge me to commit to a year of no SH. I was like, uh, what you don't understand is that the SH helps with the suicidal thoughts. So he said he needed to think about that one. He said I need to have a conversation with God about suicide. That is is an unacceptable behavior and see what God says to me. To basically make a covenant with God that I won't do this sort of thing again. I was like, how can I promise that? So I guess I'm not there yet.

The part that worries me is that he said he thinks I am above his training. He has a PhD! Sheesh! He said he's not really used to working with people who hallucinate and stuff. He mostly works with couples on marriage issues and stuff. So I got really worried that he was going to terminate with me. At that moment, I really did not want to be terminated! He said he is used to working with people who can determine their triggers and know why they are spiraling but with me it seems like my brain just starts attacking me. Everything can be fine until it's not fine. Which is the same thing that Regular T says. I'm worried about the part where he thinks I'm too messed up and beyond his training.

But I do like the safety plan. I think it's a good one. Better than the one Regular T came up with which was just to call the answering service and have them call her. And then I had to talk to her and meet with her. This is sort of progressive like, do this, if this isn't enough do this. If this isn't enough go to the hospital!

We worked on my memory verse which he said I am doing really well. I almost had it. And then kind of wrapped things up.
Comments okay,
HUGS Kit

Kit, I'm glad the session went well. I'm mainly a bit concerned about his asking you to have a conversation with God about suicide and to make a covenant with God about it. Admittedly, I'm not religious (though do believe in a higher power of some kind). But I worry this will make you just feel guilty about the thoughts, that they make you a bad/sinful person, and/or to feel you can't tell him about them. And I also think his thing about not SHing for a year is a bad idea--I'm glad you spoke up and that he's considering it more. I'm thinking that if he admits to not having training in certain areas, he may not understand how different SH can be from SUI. And even if he does have a PhD, it doesn't mean he's trained or experienced in all aspects of mental health. I think it's good he admitted that. My only concern with the safety plan is, what if one of your friends forgets or is unable to contact you? Or what if it spirals more quickly than 3 days? (OK, I guess that's 2 concerns!) I think you also need something if you're feeling really bad in a particular moment, so maybe a mix of his and T's plans? Have either of them given you other coping mechanisms to turn to when you're feeling that way that don't rely on other people? (My T has said I need some that don't rely on others, because they can't always be counted on, like if they have something going on in their own lives). Even if it's more of a distraction sort of thing. Just a few things to think about. Hugs...

I thought similar things. It seems like a significant responsibility to ask of friends, although I am avoidant and rarely look to an other for support or comfort so maybe my judgement isn't accurate. I don't mean to imply that your friends do not love you and care about your well-being, I am sure they do. However, this seems like asking them to take on a pseudo-professional role and that doesn't seem sustainable or reliable to me.

Kit, I have some concerns about your Pastor T. I've had a pastor who was also a therapist, so I'm not unfamiliar with that scenario. It isn't the fact that he is a pastor that concerns me. Perhaps it is coming from your particular denomination, but the message he is giving you is not that of a grace-filled God and I worry that the message is that your thoughts and actions are unforgivable because of his statement: "That is is an unacceptable behavior and see what God says to me."

Granted, my pastor therapist ironically probably spoke less directly about religion and spirituality than any therapist I ever had. But if he had spoken about my thoughts of suicide from a faith perspective, his message would not have been judging, nor would it have been a message that I would be judged by God; rather, it would have been a message about God understanding and having abundant grace for those who are suffering and to simply go to my faith to find some peace and gracious spiritual support. (I know this may be too specifically religious for PC, but I hope moderators will recognize I am responding to someone who is working from a religious therapy standpoint and let it pass.)

I do think he is being honest about being over his head in working with you. A therapist who does not know how to work with a complex diagnosis can create more problems than benefits. Perhaps it is time to consider relegating your relationship with your pastor to church and religious activities and keep your mental health services in the hands of a therapist who is better equipped to handle the complexity of your issues. You don't have to completely cut off contact with your pastor, but perhaps boundary it to your religious interactions.

I am also concerned about him asking you to utilize friends to monitor your suicidal tendencies. That may be asking too much from your friends. My therapists wouldn't have even expected that much from my spouse; people this close to you have a hard time being objective and that can create problems where you really just need to directly contact your mental health providers for those kinds of decisions.