How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

I want to add something else that may be important to why these thoughts are in my mind constantly.

Yes the final text was definitely the trigger. Felt robotic and uncaring but also maybe cuz it was final

In one of our last sessions...I brought up how it seemed he didn't care and was unphased by all this. He asked me if I'd feel better if he cried too and I said yes but he didn't

Other than laughing and our chit chat, he was emotionless and unphased the last few sessions. Like when i broke down reading my goodbye letter. He just sat there. Normally he'd say something funny or comforting or hug me. Nothing

His goodbye letter seemed so professional sounding and not personal much at all. It felt like in the end the care was gone.

When we hugged goodbye and I said I would miss him that was the first time he said he'd miss me. I was actually quite ok that evening and he sent a silly text late that night but then the robotic text....and my mind couldn't stop replying how casually he walked away and how unphased he seemed in session

It brought me deep into believing I didn't matter after all and he didn't care anymore etc. Hence where I am now

I don't think there is a pat answer to "mean anything" question but that does seem different to me than the "fake" feeling you have. I think he's afraid of losing his license so he, in his mind, has to walk away for two years and then wait for you to contact him. I think a version of this scenario has been played out in the movies, such as when Secret Agent has to leave True Love but can't tell her why or how, just has to ghost her. Of course the story is that we understand her devastation but we secretly root for her to discover the real truth and for them to get back together again. "Covert Affairs", a TV show from back some time, with Piper Perabo, starts with a romantic vacation on a foreign and isolated beach.

But the feeling that your relationship was "fake," I guess I come to it, like everyone else, with experience from the human side of it rather than the T side of it. I don't really think it's possible to fake the kind of connection you have. It is possible for someone to use that connection to get something out of you, i.e. a con artist, but it does not seem like he had any motive then or now to do so. Does that mean he cared about you in the specific way you wanted him to? I don't know. Maybe the caring was fake, but the connection wasn't.

So a few years ago I developed a friendship with a con artist; she showed up at a hospital with mysterious injuries and a chronic, potentially lethal illness and I was asked to volunteer to help her with her Big Legal Problems. She was one of those people who inspired a number of us helping professionals to pull out all the resources for her. It was right after my spouse's death and she was highly intelligent, well read, and just the best conversationalist, able to talk about everything from big scientific ideas I could barely understand and personal experiences that she may or may not have had. I never revealed anything deeply personal from my past with the exception of my spouse's death and the challenges of my work and single parenting, so it wasn't a complete friendship but it was way beyond just a caretaking relationship. I helped move her from place to place as she found people to stay with and then who grew tired of her over-staying, there were times when she needed things and was bumping up against barriers in the system designed to help her, and I would just buy the things for her. Mostly I just gave her my time, as she needed lots of support, long after I'd collected the information I needed to help her legally but she was never ready to move forward with that (and I was volunteering, not expecting payment). This went on for more than 2 years.

Then something happened where some of her other caretakers, more suspicious people than me (or smarter), contacted me and we collectively realized she was manipulating stories to engage people to help her. The fact that there were others helping her in different ways encouraged me, and so was true for them. Although I'd been suspicious for awhile, because of some inconsistencies in what she said, I believed she was truly in need of help and I still believe she was, she needed everything a homeless person truly needed but wasn't in need of legal assistance. I believe I would have been willing to help her no matter what, even if the true story was that she was just homeless with all the problems that entails.

In my typical longwinded storytelling, the point of revealing all this is so you can understand how real my connection was to her. And it had nothing to do with the fact that we had this supposedly professional role (and unlike T's, lawyers are not prohibited from personal or social relationships with current or former clients-- not sexual relationships though, at least in my state); my connection to her was just human. We could talk in ways and enjoyed each other's company and found many points of similar experiences in different parts of the world, and of course the backstory she told about how she came to be homeless was fascinating (and that last part was all bull, I'm not sure how many other things she told me about herself were true).

But no matter was the truth was of what she actually said to me, the connection was real. Beyond the connection, I felt that she truly cared for me, wanted the best for me, hoped that my struggles would get easier and I would find peace from the big grief of my life. Did she pursue the relationship with me for what I could materially give her? Maybe, although I really didn't give her much, and never money. Was I just a "mark" to her and she was hoping I'd sign over my bank account eventually? Who knows. Could she have cared for me and still gone after me as a mark? Probably. The only thing I know for sure, and that I still feel even knowing what big lies she told me and doubting that anything she said about herself was true, that the connection I felt while talking to her was real. I don't think connection can be faked. People can use connection for their ulterior motives, which I think was true for her. But that's where I think my story differs from yours.

Edited to add: I just wanted to say that I think your posting about this is courageous and I like how you are straight about what you do and do not want in responses-- it seems like this has been hard for you to talk about but I feel like your persistence in trying for some resolution is leading you someplace important. The issues you are raising are big and important ones, and I hope you will find the support you need here.

And if I were his lawyer, I'd advise him to be ultra professional in anything written down to a client

DP, I think you're doing an amazing job respecting his space. Many would have contacted him by now, and your forbearance speaks of strength.

I wonder if reading about all kinds of relationships ending would help? Break ups of all kinds hurt, and this is the feeling of being left. It is a horrible feeling, and it is deeply part of life and of human experience. It ties us together. Many whose significant other cheats/leaves /ends a relationship ask these same questions - did you ever love me, did your heart harden to me now and you no longer care? Sometimes the other person grieved the whole relationship before taking action, so they are at the end of a long process before leaving- but their love was real in its time.

If your T cared, he still cares. Maybe in a never-ending story kind of way but probably he thinks of you.

It may be he made a really tough decision he feels is in your best interest. Failing at a job and a marriage puts hardly anyone one in the right place in their heart to be connected and be healthy in relationship without a lot of work and time.

Understandably but why write anything then. It doesn't help me at all
The letter would be in the trash if he hadn't included a joke at the end. I didn't like any of it otherwise. Same crap he probably says to everyone

One other thought about the text and its trigger to change your feelings. Do you think there is some unconscious belief that was hidden during the course of your therapy that was suspicious that he truly cared for you (that couldn't deeply hold onto the belief that he could care for you) and was just waiting for the "proof" that this was true?

Anne

I never believe anyone cares about me. My best friend says she loves me and I laugh at her. I told my t he was never allowed to say he loved me even if he did because I'd instantly distrust him

So believing I mattered and he cared was unusual for me and tough for me. I often tested him about it. It was probably about a year into therapy when I let myself accept it and truly believe it

Now I'm back to my old self

Possibly, because he really didn't want to write a letter at all, but he wanted to do it anyway for you, because it would be awkward to say no I won't. It reminds me of my spouse, who would rarely outright refuse a request from me. Instead, he'd just do a lousy job, because he wanted to be the kind of guy who "helped" around the house and because he loved me and wanted me to be happy. And it wasn't my exacting standards of what you had to do to please me, it was, as he admitted, a mostly unconscious message to stop asking him to do this thing.

Edited to add: I think even under the best of circumstances, a letter and sometimes even an email or anything written is a hard exercise for T's. My T said one reason why he likes his job is because it uses his verbal and listening skills and doesn't require communication (except what he considers rote stuff for insurance) by writing. He doesn't like to write and doubts his ability to communicate effectively in that mode, hence why he dropped out of his creative writing major. They also don't get training on written communications and I believe from reading stories here, that at least some T's really suck at it. But I think, more broadly, that you may be reframing the "evidence" to support your "old self" position that he doesn't really care. Maybe it is the work of the confirmation bias: Confirmation bias - Wikipedia

Honestly, I don't think this is about his responses to you. You repeatedly say you don't trust people to be real with you. You even laugh at your friend when she says she cares. No matter what your therapist did or how he responded, your default was always going to be that he didn't care because that is your armor.

He can't fix this for you because until you choose to trust other people, this will always be your response. He could have fallen on his knees crying and professing his love to you, and I truly believe you would have still faulted him in some way as not being real (and it would have been out of his personal character probably so it actually would have been fake).

At this point, you have to decide that the sky is actually blue but you are determined, no matter what anyone says to you, to argue that it it green. Until you see and trust the reality, no one can help you with that but yourself.

I get that and I know it's an issue for me.... but I am unsure it's fixable. As I said, I WAS able to get to the point of believing it with him... I never questioned it until things ended. I'd even say like "I know you care..." or I'd thank him for making me feel like I mattered.

The huge reason for my friend (I think) why it was so different, after 7 years I can't get to that point at all with her, is, she flakes out on me constantly. We don't live in the same state and only see each other 1 or 2x a year, so we talk via text. There are times, she literally wont say a word to me for 3 weeks. Sometimes I will text her that I'm having a crap day, hoping to get her to text and make me laugh or something and she ignores it. It's been very hard... plus with her, she did once tell something to "friends" of hers that I told her in secret and it really upset me because she said they all had a good laugh about it. So while I trust she cares in some ways... like she's good at handling my anxiety because she's rational and can talk me down from things, and she still makes the effort to visit me every year... I don't think she loves me or cares much beyond that. Like if we stopped being friends, I don't think it would phase her, she's the type to just go on and not be bothered by things like that. Plus with T, I had interactions every week, it would be pretty bad if I didn't believe there was care in that case

I'm only questioning it now because I'm reflecting... and only seeing the bad. I see him walking away, I see his robotic text and "professional" letter, I see the unphased emotion and reaction he had in the end and it all just makes me think... ok then... maybe he didn't... other than when he had to? That's where I'm stuck

And FYI had he got on his knees and done that, I would have laughed because it would be seriously absured. I just wanted some emotion, something that showed he was sad and struggling to, a way to feel like it DID still matter to him.

I was going to say just this. If he's already worried about his licence then he would have to be a lot stupider than he sounds to write a 'true' goodbye letter.

Eta: wrote before read the rest but perhaps weight of views can help change your mind

I also think Anne may have something with the confirmation bias.

As for fixable- for me I pray it is and I think it is cause I am getting better but I hear your difficulties in this area.

Eta: maybe being stoic is how he holds in his emotion. You'll not catch me crying and showing vulnerability. You'd think from my outside appearance I was just see you later alligator but be dying inside. So maybe that's him? He felt he had to be the strong one?

I was thinking the same thing about being stoic. Like he may have been really sad about not seeing you anymore, but felt he had to keep up a certain front. Or he might have totally lost it, become really emotional, etc... And maybe he had some doubts that he was doing the right thing in changing jobs, and he couldn't let himself feel that.

And I agree about the letter, where he may have felt he had to be professional. My T has said that ex-MC is probably being careful in what he replies to me over email since termination for that same reason. I mean, if he said, "I'm so sorry that I hurt you with my actions/mistakes," that could be seen as admitting fault, if I opted to report or sue him. So maybe your T is trying to be extra professional now, both with the letter and the no-contact.

DP - I'm really sorry you are going through this, and I so totally empathize, but this right here simply isn't true. You posted all the time about how you didn't believe he really cared - especially after things changed and he started putting boundaries in place.

I second this interpretation. I think he ended therapy with you partly because he wanted the romantic relationship possibility to come as soon as possible... The sooner you start the clock, the sooner it will run out. And his statement about things not being "always or never" reinforced that belief for me. It's not that your relationship is always (because you have to wait two years) or never (because he knows that in two years you'll contact him and you can start a romantic relationship).

I would caution you against waiting two years and believing that he's doing the same for you. A lot can happen in two years. He might meet somebody else, you might meet somebody else, just be open to the possibilities and don't shut yourself away waiting for him. Because he might not be there for you at the end of two years.

Is it possible he got in some kind of trouble over this specific relationship or his therapy boundaries, going out of the office etc? And he wanted to protect you from that? That is way left field but it popped in my mind.

After that. Probably June. It took a long time to stop questioning it but it Is true. My texts would even prove that. He never really did change boundaries. Just the amount of time we texted was less. I chose to end email and everything else he said would change never did. I felt closer and more trusting of him after all that

Doubtful. He admitted to not really feeling like this is the right career for him. This was his third t company in 5 yrs and said he never felt like it was right. Also he was very secretive about things. He deleted all our texts and my emails before people came to take his phone.
He used to secretly text me from places like the dr office or restaurant etc, even his car. Rarely did we text when he was actually working.


I forgot to include the 2 yr part. I don't want a romantic relationship with him or anyone. No desire for that. All I want in 2 yrs is to possibly meet and catch up. If we decide to be friends great or just catch up now and then great. If we part ways for good, at that time it will probably feel easier to do. Only time will tell. I doubt he will get married by then anyway though. He's a huge believer in friends for yrs first and he's got alot of issues to work on. Also yes I'm aware things can change in 2 yrs. I know its hopeless and that's what I hate. I want a bit of hope to keep me going.

I'm not sure what to say that will give you hope.

It is possible that in 2 yrs, you'll contact him and he will be grateful that you did. It is possible he is struggling. The rule of no contact for 2 yrs goes both ways. He is bound by it as well.

eta - and as someone else pointed out, any deliberate contact during that 2 yrs restarts the clock. He knows that too, so it might help give him the resolve to maintain radio silence regardless of what he is feeling; especially if he is hoping for a relationship after the 2 yrs.

DP, I’m sorry. What you’re going through sounds really painful.

This is a thought/question that came up for me as I read your thread:
Is it possible being upset with him helps your grieving hurt less?

I hope you find the comfort you need.

It kind of sounds like the relationship with your best friend reinforces your negative beliefs about the world and probably, about yourself. Since I know you're not someone to just cut someone out of your life who you also have good times with, it might be good to try to get some emotional distance from her. Kind of similar to how you stopped emailing your therapist because he wasn't responding, and that was creating problems and making you feel bad. It sucks that you can't text your bff that you had a crap day and expect her to be dependable, but maybe you can protect yourself a bit from feeling abandoned. I know you weren't asking for opinions on that relationship, so I'm sorry if I'm overstepping. I just wonder if it's worth sharing vulnerable things with a person in hopes of support when there's a significant possibility that they will make things worse by ignoring, ridiculing, etc. as they have done in the past.

As for the therapist thing, I'm somewhat at a loss. CBT doesn't appeal to me, but maybe you could find some thought worksheets online and tackle some of these negative thoughts and beliefs that way. I can help you find some if you're interested. Might also help to familiarize yourself with the wide world of logical fallacies and apply them to your thinking. I love logic. Even people who think they are highly logical and value logic over emotions, myself included, can fall into all sorts of fallacies.

Another idea, and this is really just to distract yourself, is to listen to audiobooks. These days, libraries have them available as digital downloads from apps. Just go to your local library's website to see which app they use. I like audiobooks because you can listen to them pretty much constantly and become immersed in a different world and someone else's life. They are a really great distraction, and it seems like you could use a distraction.

Ss

I am not emotionally invested in her. We both hate emotions and keep it out of our friendship. I will sometimes be anxious in front of her and she talks me down but i don't open up or share etv

I know way more about my t than her. We do have quite a distance. Ya her ignoring sucks but she was honest about that part of her from day 1

Thanks for the other suggestions

First, DP_2017, I hear you. Having lost my T in Sept., was losing a significant relationship for me, and sometimes I feel like all her care was in my head and "not real". So in some ways, I can relate to what you are feeling. Not exactly, but similarly.

As for dealing with the feeling of everything being fake and meaningless, that's a hard one. I think it's good you are reaching out on PC because others have probably been through similar situations and may have suggestions. For me, I've been sleeping a lot, that's how I'm coping. It's not a great coping method, but it's not as bad as my normal coping methods. I do think time and distance gives a different perspective and yours may swing more towards the middle with time. But maybe not. Can you write down the things that you enjoyed with your T to help you look back on them, or does that cause you more pain? I haven't really figured out how to deal with my own feelings on this issue so I'm not sure I have much good to offer you. But I am listening. I do hear you. And I know it's a hard situation. HUGS if you want them. Kit.

I'm sorry this has been so hard for you. I think you're struggling so much because your T ending things has activated some of your intensely painful core beliefs about yourself and about other people. So it's like dealing with a huge loss of somebody you care about while simultaneously splitting open a bunch of horrendously painful thoughts and feelings that you carry with you because of your past, your family relationships, etc. I have had the same thing happen on a smaller scale when my T goes on vacation and it triggers a shitstorm of negativity for me. It's like my coping skills fly out the window exactly when I need them the most.

I don't know how to deal with core beliefs except through therapy, but maybe there are other ways to access and work on them. I don't want to suggest therapy because you have decided that it's not for you. But you have also admitted that the time you spent with your T was not really therapy since things were more friend-like, so maybe you haven't actually really given therapy a try? Just a thought. However you decide to move forward, I hope you can find some peace and closure for yourself.

Your experience sounds similar to me and my first therapist. I REALLY REALLY suggest this book

Trauma and the Avoidant Client: Attachment-Based Strategies for Healing

Author has some youtube videos. And a newer book I haven't read yet.

It's specifically written about clients who have an avoidant attachment style, and I think you'll find some similarities between yourself and some of the client stories in the book. This book has helped me understand myself more than any other of the like 75 therapy books I have read trying to understand why i'm so...me.

I read that book, and I liked it. It talked about the difficulty to the therapist of not being utilized by the client, and how hard that can be for them.

What you are experiencing has a lot of similarities to what I went through with my T. However, she actually did lose her license (not related to her relationship with me) and she entered into a friendship with me immediately (no 2 year wait). What is similar, however, is the way I felt when I realized that the relationship we had in therapy did not hold up in the real world. I was also forced to confront the fact that what we had been doing for 5.5 years was not really therapy— we were just chit chatting and connecting. While it felt fun and helpful at the time, without seeing her every week in therapy the stability of having an emotional support disappeared. As an actual friend, she totally sucked. She flaked on me all the time, she was selfish, and she demonstrated that I was pretty low on her priority list. I was her “favorite client” but in her real life, other people came first. That would be totally understandable if she were actually my T— she hadn’t been that either. I had been in therapy for 5.5 years, but I hadn’t actually been getting therapy during that time. So it was like she just came in, filled a void, and then left— and that void was still there. For me, it started to hurt more that she was in my life, but in a superficial way. We would have coffee and she would ramble about dumb, meaninglessness things. It was nothing like the deep, connected stuff we talked about in therapy. It sent me on a mind spiral of “Does she really care about me? Did she ever really care about me? Does she really want me in her life? What is her MO?” It was incredibly confusing and she was totally inconsistent. One minute she would be saying “I love you” and “you’re going to be in my life forever!” and the next minute she would disappear for two months with no contact. The more I focused on my relationship with her, the more pain I was in. What helps me is detaching from that. After a long period of anger I am once again able to remember the good stuff, but if I focus on it too much and either live in the past or think about creating more good times in the future— then I get sucked into the roller coaster again. For me, focusing on other parts of my life is the best way to get through it. She is incapable of providing closure or fully recognizing the kind of damage she did— even if it felt good at the time. I just need to take hold of my own life and move on. I don’t think she’s evil or anything— I just think she has bigger problems than I do and I need to find happiness outside of her.