[Waterloo12345]

Hi All,

As you may know I had a doc for whom I had strong parental transference. He did his best, was always extremely well intentioned but my t says, was pulled out of his role, experience and expertise.

I read this absolutely fascinating article (link at end) and saw that that was what he was trying to do, or groping his way too, in an organic fashion.

I felt he could see and feel it instinctively (what i needed to heal; he was not ignorant of the area, and directed me to trauma info etc) but, as the article points out, this is seriously specialised work, and the therapists themselves need serious supervision, oversight, training.

So anyway, the attachment and emotional deregulation embedded in his personhood was getting unmanageable as so he stopped.

It's almost funny and defo comforting to see one's self in an article. It makes me think there is hope for getting better.

Anyway, the way in which he pulled the plug was a bit complete and felt very harsh. Although there is the point that I would have pushed back dysfunctionally against any lesser type break.

So a very short meeting with someone else there and that's it. No explanation. Prob cause I regressed and was in shock. He just said unwell and transference and emails.

I want closure. To tell him thank you for the help he gave me. That it worked to a really far extent. That I'm so grateful for that. That I understand why the treatment had to change. That I hate it with a vengence but can see why it's necessary. That ultimately I'll be fine and maybe even better (not really feeling this one; only intellectually. In person I've skived work all week (without notice) and languishing in the crevasse in a pit of despair).

But I'm scared I just want this so that i can see him again. Or at least one of my parts does for sure. She misses him (the him in her mind as daddy so so so much).

And a part does want to tell him the above genuinely so.

And a part does not want to see him.csuse it will just start the initial big pain again.

So I'm confused.

I tell myself the best thank you is get on with getting on and healing. In 1 year or whenever I can get closure if still need it then. I can tell him then.

I don't believe he's not bothered and my therapist doesn't believe this either but there are indirect ways I can show him at a remove that I am alive and keeping on if not thriving.

Oh well. I'm going to take the dog for a walk and try and feel my feelings, instead of burying them by reading PC 😊🙄

http://www.traumacenter.org/products...lect_G0003.pdf

EtA: nah back on the sofa. Got as far as putting shoes on. Nap it is. Dog not happy. 😫😫

[Elio]

Thank you for sharing that article.

[susannahsays]

I guess you could ask yourself if writing him a letter that requires no reply would suffice.

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I guess you could ask yourself if writing him a letter that requires no reply would suffice.

Good question. I think so. I'll mull it over a bit more. Thinking the answer will help me see which part is predominant.

[SlumberKitty]

Good suggestion Susannahsays. Sometimes I write letters and don't send them. It just helps to get it out.

[SalingerEsme]

Thank you for the article. I read it with interest, and thought it seems very promising for brining together the sensitivity of psychoanalysis with th science of CBT. I am so sorry you got hurt in the middle of the processes. It is so painful a process, an once the sense is built that you are in it together, I believe there should be a sacredness about that and not giving up before the work is done, unless both understand there is an impasse that cannot yield. I hope you are okay.

[Waterloo12345]

Mulled the letter writing over and I think I may try the letter I don't send if anything.

I'm defo an inveterate email writer, and writing helps me get my thoughts in order but I suspect the focus on him in an intellectual way may not be helpful.

One of the last things he said to me was that we've got to get your brain to stop thinking. And actually the 3 times I've cried over this have been cathartic. I actually wanted to try again but, as a novice cryer, don't think l've cried in a decade, I need a certain kind of environment that I could not access tonight. So I don't mind thinking things through but writing I sometimes use as a defence mechanism.

As for writing to him but not requiring an answer I think I'll expect one. Would be like if he cared he would respond (even if I said don't respond cause like obvs I don't mean it).

So then I'll be upset all over again from the beginning. Like today I was in the clinic he works and was like if he cared he would be loitering to 'bump' into me. Obvs he didn't so I was upset. Or a part of me was.

A part was like he's not bumping into you precisely cause he does care. But that is intellectual knowing not feelings.

So current thinking is just suck it up. ****

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Thank you for the article. I read it with interest, and thought it seems very promising for brining together the sensitivity of psychoanalysis with th science of CBT. I am so sorry you got hurt in the middle of the processes. It is so painful a process, an once the sense is built that you are in it together, I believe there should be a sacredness about that and not giving up before the work is done, unless both understand there is an impasse that cannot yield. I hope you are okay.

My pleasure. I got it from the cptsd sub reddit.

And thanks for your thoughts. I agree with you on being in it to the end unless there is an impasse that cannot yield. I believe (current thinking anyway) that he did feel there was an impasse that could not yield but where he fell down was the 'both understand'. I'm struggling to understand. I can make good guesses but I'd rather he just bloody told me and we talked about it so I can understand. Even if don't agree.

[Waterloo12345]

I just realised I am ****ing furious with him for handling it the crapass way he did. Stupid stupid ****wit.

A part doesn't want to feel anger cause it's scary and will make him go away for ever. Yes I know he's gone; that part feels there is still hope if I'm a good girl and do everything right, he'll take me back in time. It's a test. I just need to be prefect and find the key to love.

A part wants to let the torrent free cause it makes him human and flawed, not the idealised person in my head - can I still love him if he's not prefect? If I do can people love me as I'm not prefect?

There is also the point I am repressing even as I write this that the torrent of anger is also against other people. I can't even write/think/admit/articulate who.

[downandlonely]

I think writing a letter and not sending it is the best idea. It will get all your feelings out, and you'll know there won't be an answer.

Also, this figuring out how to love someone who's not perfect and believing that others can love you even though you're not perfect is good food for thought.

[Waterloo12345]

I also feel that this is like a break up. Not the romance part at all but the loss of someone who cared, with whom I could exist in a bubble of safety, who would save me from the big bad world. That loss is devastating.

I think it was those two latter losses that had only recently begun to develop from my adult parts that made him rightly pull the plug. Unhealthy dependence? One sided emeshment? It had to stop.

But crikey I miss the doc, the product of my transference, whom I loved, I miss the doc, the professional who cared for me (professionally), helped me, listened to me, for whom I feel an immense gratitude to for his treatment, I miss the doc, the person I knew (very limited disclosure, it was his insight, his patience, his kindness, things I could see and experience in the room), whom I admired and respected.

Kinda writing the letter here 🙄 😂 I should sleep. Need to be up in 5 hrs. Night all.

I agree to write a letter and get your feelings out. This is all for YOU after all and not really for your therapist. Wait several days and read the letter again. You may not feel so inclined to send it after you have worked through this.

[RaineD]

Just out of curiosity (and sorry for prying), what kind of doctor was he?

[Waterloo12345]

He was a GP - primary care doctor.

[Waterloo12345]

Hi Forum,

Not written a letter yet (or at all) mainly cause the opportunity was not there, but done some thinking. I'm thinking now that I want to ask my therapist to write to him to say I'm ok, it largely worked and thank you.

My aim in doing this is to let him know I'm ok - the awareness that a person was so distressed they tried SU in a context you are involved in must be horrible. I want to remove that. He cared as a professional and I want to ameliorate any concern or worry he may have. Why? Just as the decent thing to do from my adult part.

I want him to know it largely worked, cause it seems to have, and he put himself out. He exceeded his boundaries but with good intentions. He also stuck his neck out for his ideals and I want him to know it was worth it and so, in the future another person may benefit. I'm very very grateful.

I'm still processing this and writing it out to help me so comments welcome.

I had a good/good enough weekend with moments of contentment, enjoyment, and some insight into giving real life significant emotional support. I did think at the time - this is real life messy, difficult to do support - it's not a fantasy, a construct, one sided, easy for me to lap up and revel in. It felt different and like more true. So although I knew before I loved the person transference built and wanted that person's care I really felt the difference of what I need to work to. Messy, difficult humanity. So the spell of the transference lessened a bit.

The little ones continue to feel at ease - they continue not to feel abandoned. I'm not entirely sure how that works but there is something more solid there. So it seems to me that the 'treatment' continues to work to a large extent.

A part still misses him dreadfully. Dreadfully so. But I tell myself that if I had that ok weekend then this is more like a breakup or a bereavement - by those I mean feelings, deep, huge, painful feelings, but feelings within normal boundaries - not some sort of trauma pathological reaction that I'm wholly disregulated as a result of. Freud's normal human unhappiness.

In the article there was something about realising and accepting that with somethings one just will not know why they happened and that's ok.

I'm trying to apply that to whatever his reasons are. Does it like even matter? If I can understand my part in it may that be enough? So I'm trying to be open to the possibility of never knowing why he did it now and in the way he did but seeing what my feelings are on the matter and sitting with them and bringing them to therapy for some serious discussion.

The upset part does still think, if I'm good, all will be well eventually with daddy. That feeling is still alive but I don't feel that it is the operative reason in wanting to make him aware of the above three points. It's there for ure and I need to work through it.

I don't want to write my self cause once I start I'll be pushing the boundaries, I'll expect an answer and I'll just restart the upset again.

I'll talk it over with my therapist cause I have to be ok if she says no, or helps me uncover some unhealthy reasons such that it's not a good idea to make him aware.

But that's where I am at the moment. Hugs l.

[Waterloo12345]

Dear Dr X

I really really sorry I was a bad girl. I'm sorry I over stepped the mark and made you upset and angry with me. I'm sorry I made things difficult for you.

What she wants to go on saying but can't find the words or insight for at 10 yrs is please forgive me, please keep on loving me, I'm sorry I was bad to make you not love me anymore, if I'm good, if I do what you say will you love me again? Please?

She is just sitting there in mute distress.

Weird it reads like abandonment but my whole being does not feel that. Maybe I'm integrating?

She doesn't feel like she's been abandoned when I ask her. She says he does love me, he does think I'm worthwhile. It's more like he's at one remove and she doesn't know how to get him back and thinks she must be at fault for the distance.

[Waterloo12345]

Dear Dr X
I love you so so much. Why don't you love me anymore? Why don't you want to see me anymore? What did I do wrong? You were my daddy and now you've left me.

I think she is bewildered and distraught because of that. This is the 10 yr old.

[Waterloo12345]

Dear Dr X
I trust you. I think what you did was right. I'm very very very angry at you for doing it so suddenly and completely and I'm also ****ing well pissed off at you cause I know you're right in this too. There was no other way of doing it effectively. Or if there was this is like pulling off the bandaid. I hate you for doing it though. Hate you for being right.

I was getting emeshed with you. I was looking to you to save me, me as an adult, from all the crappy life things. To make these easier. To be my special friend, my mentor. To love me and keep me safe in a bubble where I did nothing reciprocal. And when looking for you to save me I was doing increasingly malfunctional behaviours and they had to stop.

But Christ it's difficult. I hate you. I love you. I want to heal from this. I know I'll heal stronger and I thank you for that. But ****, the treatment is more difficult than the illness. Or well maybe not really but the treatment is ****ing difficult.

I'm glad I told you how I feel. It was never a romantic or erotic love. It may have come out wrong. I don't believe my love and gratitude was wrong. I'm glad I was authentic and told you. I'm ****ing pissed off about the consequences. Was there not another way? I don't know. Even if there was you choose this way. You are flawed. I am flawed. You crossed boundaries but with good intent and good results. I cleaved to you when in need and you let me, taught me to grow. I'm grateful for that. But **** I'm sad you're gone. I miss you. I grieve for the loss of you. You kept me safe. Show me how to survive your loss.

Love,
me.

[Waterloo12345]

Dear little me,

Don't cry, you didn't do anything wrong. Daddy X does still live you but he can't continue like that. It clashes with ywp's needs. She needs to be independent, she needs to do things on her own. She needs to find love and safety in real life. She can't make up relationships in her head anymore and act as if they are real. Daddy X will always love and care for you. And he'll be there in your heart. He'll be there in the things he taught you. You did nothing wrong. I know you loved being with him, the attention he gave you, the feeling of security and worth he gave you. And it was fun. I don't know what we will do now. I'll try my best to continue to show you that you are worth something. That you can be loved for you. I don't know how. B will help. But Dr X gave us a really good start. If he could love you and see good in you then there is something there.

Love,
me

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

Dear little me,

Don't cry, you didn't do anything wrong. Daddy X does still live you but he can't continue like that. It clashes with ywp's needs. She needs to be independent, she needs to do things on her own. She needs to find love and safety in real life. She can't make up relationships in her head anymore and act as if they are real. Daddy X will always love and care for you. And he'll be there in your heart. He'll be there in the things he taught you. You did nothing wrong. I know you loved being with him, the attention he gave you, the feeling of security and worth he gave you. And it was fun. I don't know what we will do now. I'll try my best to continue to show you that you are worth something. That you can be loved for you. I don't know how. B will help. But Dr X gave us a really good start. If he could love you and see good in you then there is something there.

Love,
me

I appreciate you sharing your letters here. I think they are beautiful. I wonder if your little one really needs to hear something specific from you, like I love you, little one, and I will do my best to pay attention and listen to what you have to say. You have helped me move forward in becoming a more whole person. I will protect you and show you that I love you.

My younger part used to spend a lot of time trying to get my attention, sort of by (symbolically) throwing rocks in my path. Telling her I loved her and would care for her was something she needed to hear.

[Waterloo12345]

Thanks Anne. It's taken me a while to respond because your suggestion made me recoil and think what? What does she mean? Who's doing the telling? And I wanted to take some time to think.

I don't believe that there is a part of me that is 'me'. Or is yet me.

I mentioned integration above but after reading on it I don't like that word/concept. As someone else said it's smacks of anniliation. It seems that each part is an equal player and on issues of importance or moment 'i' mediate between all to see what will be the operative response.

So it doesn't seem that there is any overall person to do the telling. I get the concept though of all parts showing all the other parts loving and caring and did that.

It's been interesting in light of the other posts on DID.

Thanks.

Nb not saying I have DID. I use parts work in therapy, and its all a continuum anyway, but the insight on those threads from those that do was very useful.

[Waterloo12345]

In case anyone is interested it was an excuse for contact!

That's not to say a part genuinely wanted to say thank you etc but the push was coming from the 10 yr old who will conive to get his aims.

But I talked to the part that wanted to say thank you etc and we cane to the conclusion that while it was a good thing it was a better thing not to detail little x's 'progress' and the very reasons that enabled him.to act in the way he did would also enable him to be ok with a later telling.

Prob not very clear here. Took hours of thought. But basically as I came to that conclusion the 10 yr old was like damm! Now I'll have to find another way... So am on my guard.