Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

See you tomorrow.

(I'm very nervous)

This is why i never tell you anything because you speak in cryptics! English would be nice

dear t

I am ghosting you

me

T, I’m being a s* today, not towards you, no worries. You are pocket riding though! I wonder if you know why you haven’t gotten an email or if you’ve noticed... OK, this is you, of course you’ve noticed. I really want to spend the day watching you through someone else’s eyes and laughing like I did the other night... but I am scared that if you are right what could happen... my daddy taught me better... he taught me how our innocent actions can draw predators... so I will be good. Breakfast tastes like crap... I can see the smile in your eyes as you chuckle and tell me that’s because this isn’t food.

I'll be sending you my writing from last week soon. Love you and miss you.

I am suffocating in guilt. I think maybe I've got you all worried and I feel bad about that. You shouldn't have to think about me unless I'm sitting in front of you. And Dr. B shouldn't have to see me tomorrow when I come see you. I should wait like I'm supposed to until Wednesday. I just don't matter enough for you guys to get all worried and definitely not so you go out of your way for me. But I can't even tell you this because it would sound like I want to be convinced otherwise or something like that.

I should have just moved my appointment with Dr. B up and not sent you that text yesterday. Pretty sure I've now stolen someone else's appointment.

I can hear you talking and laughing through your door while I wait for you. That means you’re in a good mood and hopefully this will be a good session.

Dear T. See you tonight. I hope you are ready for me. Kit

Dear Former T: You tired of me emailing you once a month? Just wondering. Kit

Dear previous T,
Do you have cancer? It didn't occur to me at the time (or maybe I was unconsciously suppressing the fear), but is that why your hair was so drastically changed last time I visited? I really hope you are ok... But I'm scared that you're not.

You reassured me that you wouldn't be at the social event and yet you were there. Our next session is going to be fun, you lying thoughtless old goon.

Dear T,
I wish you could come with me to a meeting. Well, I suppose you could, I'd just have to pay for a session, which doesn't seem like the best use of my money. I guess what I really wish is that you could come with me and hold my hand for support, but obviously you can't do that. And thanks for validating me today and for making me feel like I'm not weak because I can't seem to just deal with this on my own.

Love,
LT

Some things I purposely do not mention to my T or my psych doctor because I feel like it would just start arguments and get me into trouble. One of these things is that I drink weight loss shakes when I really don’t need to. Another is that I’ll drink a lot of caffeine and then I’ll need a Xanax afterwards. I never mentioned it to my doctors that I got my learners permit. I’m also going cold turkey off my topamax and then going back on it in a couple weeks to see if I can jumpstart the effects of it since I think I became immune to it.

I do trust my therapists and doctors for the most part. But I do think some things are best left unsaid. This is just how I feel. I’ve gotten in trouble before and when I asked what I did wrong people’s answers have been “you were too honest.” So I’m just careful now with what I say.

I need today to be over.

I missed seeing you today.

I really want to call you. Cry at you.

But I'm pretty sure you said the funeral was today and I don't want to burden you more. You deserve space, especially from my selfishness.

Pdoc said I could call her after-hours service. I don't think I can do that though. And... she's not the same as you.

You said on Friday that I should call you on Wednesday after work. Wednesday is so far away. Do you know that but you said Wednesday because of the funeral and stuff? Or do you not understand how far away Wednesday still is?

Dear T,
Still struggling...this is one of those times when if you could write back to me in the evening, it would be good, but you likely won't write back till the morning. But I get it. I just feel really awful right now.
Love,
LT

I'm terribly confused.

Dear T,
Did you see this? Thanks for replying. It means a lot that you say you're proud of me. (Though I recognize that's an authority figure thing...). I think just hearing from you at all was what I needed right now.
Love,
LT

T, today was a crappy day at work. Seeing you on Mondays is much better than crappy people at work. I am glad I had you in my pocket though. I miss you. Less than a week left. I need a countdown clock. How are you so gentle? I don’t understand how a man can be more gentle and nurturing than the women I have worked with. I really like it when you hold my hand, especially because you initiate it. I don’t like the really sad look you get when you hold my hand though. You are spending this week loving on your grand baby doing all the things you were so upset that I didn’t get as a baby. It still grosses me out to think about it. Thanks for asking me if I needed you to stop last week. I could have kept going but it was nice to feel you care about my level of discomfort about the conversation. Now I know that I can trust you to keep an eye out for my limits and I can trust you to stop if I ask you to. You even managed to find a way to say it that I didn’t feel guilty. I still want to sleep on the couch in your waiting room... or in M. T’s guest room... either one... just want to feel like I am home. I need to print out pictures for you. You said you would like an image to go with all the important people I talk about. Would you sit next to me to look at the pictures? I can hardly imagine what it would feel like to have you beside me instead of in front of me but I might not let you move your chair back around. I miss you.

Ok I've made it three months but I still think of and miss you every day. This really sucks. I can't keep living like this, I wish my mind would stop it now.

I want to move on like you have.

Dear T,

Thank you for not rejecting my love for you. I love you. Platonic love is so important to me.

I'm going to try to communicate some stuff tomorrow. Stuff that will make me feel really vulnerable. Please be careful. Please be gentle.

Thank you for yesterday. Thank you for accepting me, for accepting my feelings, and for being so gosh darn amazing. This is not the first time you have said nice things to me but it is the first time I believed you meant it. <3 Thank you. <3