Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

I honestly have nothing to talk about on Monday. It's been a quiet week. I've been wracking my brain all week trying to come up with something. I don't know if I've started the weaning process - we only have five more sessions until you leave for 13 weeks, or if there is truly nothing going on. Maybe a bit of both.

If I spend my next session, whenever that may be, talking about the stuff that's come up during this time, the Critic is going to be very angry with me. I feel like I should be able to do this, and most of the time I can...but this is the time of year that I need support with it, and I don't know how to ask.

You know, perhaps it was!

hi tee

I prefer to think of it as a never-ending story

Perhaps it is at that, as the work we did together lives on inside me....

I hate you for leaving me behind.

Study group started at 10.30am and I started to get tired, I wanted to leave after the lunch break at 2.30pm - but I felt X made a snarky comment about me leaving and not taking it seriously . I did the one thing i'm good at.I started to cry in front of all of them.. You would say I do have a choice, but i felt trapped and I stayed. Today we ended at 7.15pm

I am pre-emptively hating you.Stupid magical thinking. If i do this the maybe you will say yes, but in reality tou will so no, so i will live in my fantasy world for the next 2 weeks.

T, I’m hurting. I am hurting so bad and I don’t understand why. Emotionally I am still struggling with random bouts of fear you will be violent with me. H wants to be supportive in a way that feels supportive to him... but he laughed at me when I told him I emailed you about the fears. H will let me hug him but it is feeling more and more rejecting/not in there every day. I guess he is starting to feel really emotionally unavailable. Pdoc can’t get here fast enough with more hugs. Please, please take me seriously in my request for touch in the next session. I know that sounds crazy after me telling you I am imagining you being violent with me but I need the reassurance. My body hurts so badly and I am always cold, I’m never cold. Now I can’t get warm. I’m loosing time too. Lost a day somewhere this week. Please hold me, hold my hand, hug me, something. Please.

2 years ago we met. I never realized how much you would change my life. So many times I wish In never met you but mostly I'm glad I did, I just wish you never left. I miss you a sickening amount. It would probably scare you to know that. I hope you are happy and have replaced me with someone who is good to you

Not gonna drunk-email you. Nope. Not even a little bit.

Both of you have tried to get me comfortable with crying and being okay with it. Today oldest son said something that made me feel like the worst parent in the world. I have cried so much today including in front of other people. I wish I had one of you..in all honesty I wish I could email you T. You always reminded me and always found the words to remind me I am a good mom. Emdr T is good though, bit she hasnt been there through all the parenting ups and downs

So, I just officially hate my brain and wish I could just shut everything off until Monday and T.

This one has been hard for me, T. Very hard. I think you’ve successfully scared me into never acting out again. I have sure learned my lesson. When you shut me out, it’s a living hell for me and unbearable. I won’t misbehave again.

I don't know how to say the things I probably should say.

I am really grateful my doctor treated me the way she did. Im doing so much better and Im really thankful

How were you possibly surprised by that?
You stopped asking.
I'd told you I couldn't/wouldn't tell you unless you asked directly
You asked how often you should ask, every session? Then you did. It was the first thing you asked.
I liked the consistency. I liked that you remembered. I started to trust it.
Then one session you didn't ask.
And you never asked again.

So what was I supposed to think?
And did you think that I'd somehow stopped when you stopped asking? Did you think that I hadn't done it in a month?
You didn't ask.
It seemed pretty obvious that you didn't want to know.

I just emailed you. I'm thinking about taking a break after the summer but I'm not ready to talk about it with you yet. I'll see how the summer goes without you and what kind of a head space I'm in when you get back. But the email I just sent you - I hope we can talk about it tomorrow. It'll open up a whole other can of worms I'm sure, but what am I supposed to do when I can't tell you things you need to know???

I want to call you just to check in but I don't want to come back to therapy so what is the point.

Dear R,

Day 9/20 and here I am waiting. Waiting for you.

Gym this morning.

After yesterday X was nicer to me and he made me lunch, when we went back to his after leaving the coffee shop. Then the others came back and we finished chapter 2 and I left at 6.30pm.

P.s zero emails sent so far.

T, I see you tomorrow. Please know I am scared of my own mind not you even if my mind is hiding behind a picture of you. Please, please stay close. The closer you stay the less my minds games will be able to win. Can I bring two animals to the chair? I know I can have more than one feeling, can I have more than one need?

You emailed me back! You're unfathomable sometimes. Love you.

Dear T,

Love,
LT

Dear T,
And I hate how you said the other day that when you were younger, you'd be more willing to talk to a client on the phone to provide support. Because I really need you right now, but I guess your older, more jaded self wouldn't be willing to talk to me. I thought about texting but figured I'd feel worse from a rejection, so I will leave it be.
LT

T, I am in so much pain and tomorrow seems like a dangerous session. Please, please take me at my word. I know I told you about the images and the fears but please do not think that makes me afraid of the REAL you. I need you tomorrow more than I have ever needed you. Calm, loving, in tune... and willing to touch me. I need to FEEL you safe again not just see and hear it. I am not trying to trigger myself. I admit, I don’t know what will happen if I get quiet and centered and you touch me or hug me... but I know 100% it will be healing not hurtful. Please believe me. Please don’t take touch away. Please be on your A game.
Tonight I went over and got the locket that smells like your office. First time all week, maybe longer. It is comforting again, not scary. In a perfect world tomorrow as I follow you up the steps I will be hit with that familiar smell. When we reach the top of the steps you will take your shoes off and give me space to take mine off... then ask if I need a hug before we get started.
Tomorrow is the first session we have had where it would be very easy for you to unintentionally hurt me emotionally. Please don’t back away. Please.