Finding the calm

I am in kind of a Zen place right now. Last session with T was maximum anxiety again. And major anger release. I don't even know how T can sit there for a full hour of that from me. From anyone. I had so much stuff to deal with, two main topics. When I arrived, I told him I was worried I couldn't get all this out and we have this pressure because I want to cover certain things with him before the big legal meetings next week. But we just haven't been able to carve time for this in our sessions. And he looks at the two topics and he chooses which one, and again, the one that we keep putting off gets shunted aside. I ask if I can have another session this week so we can deal with that other topic. This is the first time I have ever asked him for a second session in one week. He says no, he is all booked up. I don't know how I can have the two legal meetings next week without going through this thing first in therapy. But he says we have to deal with the other topic, which relates to my inability to get along with one of the other members of my divorce team. We've touched on this before, so that's what we spend the session on.

Surprisingly, it was not hard at all to ask for the second session. I just wish we could have had another session so he could have the right context for the legal meetings. I think it would add tremendously to his understanding of the situation and increase his ability to support me. But it wasn't to be.

We spend the whole session letting the fire out. I'm so angry at this other guy on my team and it comes pouring out. I'm irrational and paranoid and furious. (Well, I wouldn't want a second session with me either.) Decisons have to be made. I don't know how we will proceed. What should I do, I ask as we are wrapping up. Don't do anything, says T. I'll call you and let you know what is happening. I'm agitated and bristling. I can't help it. All that negative energy. As I am going out, T reaches for me. Can I have a hug? he asks. I go into his arms, yes, a hug is always something I cherish from him. I wish I were calmer and less angry. But the hug still feels good.

On the way home, I have my Ipod on shuffle and a very special song comes on, a song that has great significance to someone I created, a fictional character, who is in some ways my alter ego. I start crying. The song helps me connect with my character and her life and all the joy in the stories I wrote about her, at a time when there was no joy in my life at all. How could such joyful stories come out of such a joyless time? It seems like there is a truth there, that there must really be joy within me if I could create these stories, and I feel comforted by that, and a lot of my anger at this man I railed at in therapy deflates.

Of course, and this is typical behavior for my T, he has not called me like he said he would. And he doesn't work Fridays so I won't be hearing from him before the first legal meeting on Monday morning. I am totally out of the loop on what is happening. But somehow I feel OK about that. Like it is out of my hands, in the hands of fate. I just need to be myself, have courage, and not be swayed by others to be something other than I am. I can stand alone and exist and nothing can change that. In one last attempt at communication, I emailed both T and my lawyer this morning, asking, what is happening? Didn't hear back from either of them. It's OK, I'm still me. I'm still here.

Today I was at the bookstore Christmas shopping and picked up a book of poetry by Rumi, one poem for each day of the year. I opened randomly and read the poem for June 9 and it really touched me. It was about being human and helped me feel more at peace with the puzzling and rapidly changing and volatile moods I have been cycling through. The poem made me feel like that was OK and a part of being human; embrace it.

I am feeling some degree of equanimity toward the events of next week. I don't even have an appointment scheduled with T for next week; we ran out of time in session and didn't do our scheduling. That feels OK too. Maybe I don't need anymore sessions for a while. Maybe I just need to listen to music and read poetry.

good for you in being able to ask for what you need. sorry he was booked and couldn't give it to you, but at least you voiced your need. sometimes we need sessions like that, to let all the anger out. thats what therapy is all about, re-experiencing feelings right there! thats NOT the reason T didn't give you a second session. i'm sure if you asked him he'd be very proud that you were able to let it out. my T rarely calls when she says she's going to, either. its a horrible feeling. but i admire your acceptance. you're still you, and still here. very true, thats a good way of thinking. good luck with your legal meeting. and i hope you hear from T soon.

((((Sunrise))))

That must be frustrating for you not to have your T call back ... I'm sure he had good intentions though. He sounds like he really cares about you - "Can i have a hug"

I think that when we are able to recognize that everything will be OK, and that we are OK without necessarily having contact with other people (i.e. T), is a huge step to our own acceptance. Maybe you weren't suppose to talk with your T about this legal thing because it was something that you were suppose to initiate control over yourself? To kind of give you this insight that you're OK.

While this is at some times very hypocritical of me, I try and think of everything as happening for a reason - the good, bad, and the ugly. We meet certain people for a reason, we choose to say or not say things at a given time for a reason ... or things just don't happen for a reason. Maybe you're reason was to step outside the box a little, take a look around, and realize that you can do this.

I hope that things settle with your legal meetings this week ... let us know how they (and you) go.

((Sunny))

You are so strong. I admire your persistence in bringing yourself back to center. Working through the anger of someone who can derail you the way this guy has is a huge accomplishment. I have dealt with this as well, (although not quite as successfully as you) and, to say the least, it is not fun! Stay the course. You're doing great.

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(Well, I wouldn't want a second session with me either.)

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Why not? T can be there for both the pretty and ugly parts of us!

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Maybe I don't need anymore sessions for a while. Maybe I just need to listen to music and read poetry.

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I have had those feelings as well. Sometimes it almost feels like my inner self requires a need to retreat, regroup and refresh. But then I wonder--would connecting with T in this very moment of seeking solitude help me to work through something that has been simmering for a while, or something that came up in-session that I don't feel like dealing with? I think of Pema Chodron's book, "When Things Fall Apart" and she talks about going directly into the fear.

Good luck Sunny, you have so much going on. I think you are very brave!

Sorry you're struggling; glad it is having positive effects :-)

Thanks krazibean, jacq, perna, and sister.

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jacq10 said:
That must be frustrating for you not to have your T call back ...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Not really. I actually don't care. I feel OK. It is so typical of him, it almost makes me smile, much as one might roll their eyes at the repeated and predictable antics of a charming, but irresponsible young boy. I will just do my best with the situation I have been given. I think next time he says he will call me, I'll just say teasingly, no you won't, and we'll be done with that fiction.

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Maybe you weren't suppose to talk with your T about this legal thing because it was something that you were suppose to initiate control over yourself?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Actually, he should know about this thing so he can better support me at the legal meetings, and he has said several times he wants us to discuss this in session. But since he doesn't know and can't make time for this right now in my therapy, I will have to exert more control in the upcoming legal meetings to make sure these particular topics don't come up until I've had a chance to go through this with him in therapy. It will be hard, and just one more thing on my plate at the meetings, but it's all I can do, given the hand of I've been dealt. I will ask for my lawyer's help with this.

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I try and think of everything as happening for a reason - the good, bad, and the ugly

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think you are right, jacq. I like your philosophy.

sister, it is a coincidence you bring up When Things Fall Apart because I just bought that when I was at the bookstore yesterday! I've previously read Chodron's, The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times, and really liked it, so when I saw the other book yesterday, I bought it too.

One of the things T said to me in our last session was "I think you're very scared." I think he's right. I wish we had discussed it, but no time. I would be interested to know what he thinks I am scared of. I think I am scared of a few things. And I wonder if at least in part my fear is somehow unconsciously driving me to exagerate problems to derail the legal process. I wish I could explore this idea with T.

Another thing T said when I was telling him about the things this guy I was angry at had done that I found unacceptable was that "it sounds like you want so-and-so to be more like me." I just shook my head and dismissed that comment. Pfffttt! It was annoying! It's not all about you, T! I want my T to be my T, not other people to be like him. I want the guy I'm having problems with simply to be courteous, professional, responsible, and unbiased. It doesn't seem too much to ask, especially when I am paying him a high hourly rate. I guess I was trying to have this business-oriented conversation with T on professional standards of conduct, and he tried to turn it into something personal, about our relationship, and that was not what I wanted at all! (Ha, me, turn down a chance to talk to T about our wonderful relationship? I must be running a fever.) I think that's partly why he reached for me as I was leaving so we could hug. T, trying desperately to reconnect with angry, angry sunny...

Sunny I'm not liking this person on the team that is upsetting you.

Wanna bring me along on Monday?

If he disrespects you in front of others on Monday you should say 'I'm concerned about you, you seem to angry all the time, do we need to take a break so you can pull your head out of your azz'?

Thanks, almedafan. Maybe I need someone just like you with your sword by my side.

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'I'm concerned about you, you seem to angry all the time, do we need to take a break so you can pull your head out of your azz'?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Ha, ha, I love that! Maybe I will write it on my hand for easy reference. I think part of the problem now is that I am holding it against this guy that he has been a jerk in the past. I need to be able to give him another chance, as he is very important to the divorce proceedings. Start with a clean slate, not be defensive, etc. That is hard for me to do right now. I am still annoyed as hell at him and don't trust him, but I have to go to the meeting with an open mind and listen to what he has to say without letting my personal feelings get in the way. Very hard. I am reading the book, The Four Agreements, right now for inspiration. Anyone read that?

I did hear back yesterday afternoon from my T, and my L, both by email within a few minutes of each other. I had asked both of their advice by email about a day and a half earlier and I was glad to at last get their recommendations. I am supposed to respond to them, but haven't. I feel no rush. As long as they get my answers before the Monday meeting, it should be fine.

Thanks again, everyone. Courage is what I need.