Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

I'm glad you liked the food. It was different sharing a meal with you. I am so glad I had the slide show to show you of my childhood house. It helped in keeping the session still in therapy mode.

T who isn't my T,

I know I said it didn't require a response, but I'm really hoping you'll reply. I've been trying not to get my hopes up every time my phone has an email notification.
You'll at least acknowledge it, right?

Edit:
Thank you
I'm not sure how to respond
I'm trying to resist the urge to explain why you shouldn't care or be proud of me, to just let myself accept and appreciate it.

I think I have to come back early. Will you see me twice next week if I do? Probably not since that’d reinforce sickness or whatnot. Oof.

Oh T. Oh T.

You speak the truth as always, but sometimes it's hard for me to hear.



What to do with it? I'm still considering that.

"It has to come from you. I can't suggest it."

In other words, it has to be authentic...but the strength of this feeling is alien to me.

At it's most intense, I just want to throw it away, but that would be one hell of a grenade.

Yep I ruined it.

Happy Birthday, L.

Dear T,

Really wanted to see you today but you are still sick. I didn't see you last week either. I'm busy Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of next week so I guess I will see you Thursday again. Stinks it will be three weeks but oh well. Feel better and wish you were here.

-Butterfly

I really wish I could talk with you. I don’t feel good at all and I’m so far away.

Some people are so rude! If I had known they were going to be like this, I don't think I would have accepted the booking. It's stressing me out.

Dear T: if I relapse with SH, we really haven't dealt with my failure before. It could be an interesting session, or it could be a horrible session. Kit

25 days until my next appointment. I'm mostly doing ok, but at the moment I am seriously struggling. I wish I could talk to you, even just for five minutes, just so that I knew everything was ok.

It feels like it's been more than two weeks since I've seen you.

First time I ever reached out and asked to speak to you. After getting blitzed last night and dealing with those terrible thoughts this morning, I didn't think I could forgive myself. 3 months of sobriety down the drain, but it's easier accepting my mistake after talking with you. I was so scared you would be so disappointed and think of me as a burden, but you said you were happy I reached out and the way you said it was so genuine and caring, it was almost impossible not to believe you. Thanks for making me laugh and reminding me you'll always be there.

Especially given what we talked about yesterday. The main thing I just feel is humiliated. Having to beg you for tiny scraps of information, because I just want to know who you are. Like you said I don't know you- yet I feel like I am in love with you. And so what if we went 1.min and 45min seconds over I needed to ask about scheduling..

I have cancelled our next sesison and this time I am not going to email asking for it back. I guess I just feel disillusioned.

Thanks for the nice response to my happy bday email. If you can't tell, this is me verrry slowly letting go of my attachment to you. I have a feeling you understand what I'm doing and that's why you responded like you did. Thank you for that. For everything.

Hugs Lemoncake. Hearing L say to me "you don't know me" was so very difficult. I hope you can work through this with him.

That session sucked. Not blaming you since I just sat there and didn't contribute. But I feel like I would have been better off with no session. I feel worse than I did walking in. I don't even know why. I guess maybe there was some need that I had unconsciously been hoping to fulfill in the session. Whatever it was, I didn't get it.

I don't understand why you keep pushing for acknowledgement that I want to come, or that I want something out of the interaction since I keep coming. I don't get what sort of response you're looking for when you say stuff about that.

Maybe I feel distressed due to looking at you when I first came in. I don't usually do that. It didn't feel upsetting at the time, but looking back, I feel distressed by it for some reason. Hmm. I think I might actually be on to something. As the session went on, I found myself turning more and more away from you. I felt really anxious. I remember thinking I want to hide. I ignored the thought since it made no sense, but now I wonder where it came from.

Driving home, I found myself fantasizing about terminating. This is confusing because I don't want to terminate. I'm not even angry with you at the moment, so it just seems like a weird thought to be having.

I feel like acting out in some way. I think that is probably just a sign of how distressed I am. I think sometimes when I act out, it's to distract myself from unfamiliar and painful feelings. I'd rather act out, even if it might lead to negative feelings because at least it would feel familiar. I don't know what to do with whatever it is I am feeling right now. Feels unbearable.

I need to talk to you about some of the stuff that came up with T who isn't my T.
It's absolutely not why I'm doing it, but I'm kind of hoping that you might feel a bit of irrational jealousy or competition with him.
You'll have to wonder about the comparison.
Especially with how I speak about him.

I really really really wanna but I know if I email you now, you won’t see it til Sunday. Idk what to do. Hospital isn’t an option as I’m hosting a party Sunday. My husband hates me and is blaming me for everything that goes wrong. I hate myself so much and I don’t know if I can hold on.

@SummerTime12 sounds like it's time to go to the hospital. Your life is more important than hosting a party.

Dear T,

Thanks for calling in response to my emails. I wish you didn’t sound so damn peppy on the phone when I feel so awful, you goof. And I wish you were more worried about me. Heck, I am worried about me. But thank you for calling, and thank you for texting and saying you’re not sick of my depression and that you’re sorry I’m feeling so bad.

-c

Thank you @downandlonely, I appreciate your concern. knowing me though, it will probably blow over in a day or so and I’ll be just fine. So I’d hate to go to the hospital for no reason.

T, I have so much to tell you. Pdoc is going to call you. She saw my face light up when she pulled up your picture on your web page and asked if it was you. She heard my excitement... she heard me compair you to her. She has known me a long time and has been very good to me. Please don’t hold it against her that she is a Pdoc. She is a loving support first and foremost. I hope you too really talk not just casual BS. Not out of an ego thing but I think you two will make a great team for me and I want us all in together on this. I know you can both lean towards being protective of me, please remember I love both of you.
I’m still reading the book. I think I will make you a chart... maybe that will help you see where the land mines are... or should I try to make one together with you????
Is it Monday yet?

Dear No. 3,

I don’t remember the details, but I dreamed about you again last night. I think your husband who works in my field was there too.

Go away.

ATAT