[SummerTime12]

As the title says.

I feel bad because I feel like I only come here to vent when things are going wrong.. so I’m going to start off by apologizing for that.
Basically, my husband and I will lose our house if one of us can’t find a better job ASAP. We’ve both applied places and no luck yet. We are currently several hundred dollars short for our next mortgage payment, and there are more bills due before that.

I feel like I’m in a trap that I just can’t get out of. This obviously adds stress to our marriage, which is already not in good shape. He refuses to see an individual or marriage counselor (not that we could afford it now, but in the future if one of us lands a job). Although he is willing to get more involved in church, which he says helps him, so I’ll give him credit for that.

I’m feeling extremely low about myself because I didn’t get TWO jobs I interviewed for; this has never happened to me before. I feel like I have nothing to offer.

The stress is crazy. We are about to run out of food and I don’t know what to do—go to the grocery store and just say f*** the mortgage? I mean, my eating disorder loves the idea of potentially being forced to not eat, but of course I want my husband to fed and also it’s not good for recovery...
Next month, my husband’s student loans will kick in too.

My husband keeps blaming me (I know he doesn’t mean to) for what feels like every little thing, making me hate myself even more. He doesn’t understand that when he calls me stupid, selfish, dumb, etc., just because he doesn’t mean it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt like hell. He’s tells me at least a few times a week how the reason we’re in this situation is because of all my medical bills that have racked up thousands of dollars of debt on our credit cards. I already know that, and feel incredibly guilty. I may be those things at times, but it seems that he likes to constantly remind me over and over.

To top it all off, all I want is to be able to discuss this mess with my T, but because we literally have no money to spare, I had to email him saying that unless he is able to bill through my employee assistance program (which would mean I have no copay), I have to stop going for a while.

This combination of things is making want to give up,

Possible trigger:

hurt myself, and doing something stupid.

The irony of it is that it’s because of the situation I’m in that I cannot get help for feeling this way, because everything costs so much money. Ugh.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

((Summer))

Can you contact food programs in your community or ask for temporary assistance through your church? Community assistance programs often have people who can help navigate all of the ins and outs of programs available in your city/county/state in order to get temporary assistance with some bills, whether it's financial assistance or help/advice figuring out how to work with mortgage and utility companies (for example).

And I am sorry your h is using the "doesn't really mean it" excuse to treat you poorly. He's a grownup. There's no excuse for that. If he doesn't mean it, he needs to stop saying it.

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Opposite happened here: husband has been ill for years. I never make him feel like a burden, and I sure as hell respect him and don’t stoop so low as to call him names! That’s fighting dirty, clouds the communication, and builds resentment. Maybe remind him that you are a team. You are supposed to help build each other up, not tear each other down.

Ask him why he treats you so disrespectfully: how does that help you OR him? That sort of crap will weaken your relationship & make things worse. If cutting someone down is his strategy to make himself feel better, than he needs to grow up. It isn’t as though you PLANNED to be sick. The situation is to “ blame,” not you. You could remind him of this: and ask if he were ill instead, how would he feel if YOU treated him like he’s mistreated you?!

In our case, our finances were affected by several factors. It doesn’t help that we are both terrible money managers... Or were, anyway.

What we did is connect with a financial counselor of sorts. We’re given tasks/homework and then report back to her... She doesn’t take money from us because her office is run by the Federal Government. There are several choices for people in financial trouble...

Maybe instead of pointing fingers and name-calling, your husband could make himself useful and Google for one of these counselors in your area & make some calls.

Not sure if you live in Canada, but there is hopefully something similar where you live...
Debt Management & Financial Recovery Services | BDO Canada

Specific: Personal Debt
Consumer Debt Help & Debt Management Solutions | BDO Canada

Meanwhile:
- check if any of your accounts/credit cards/your mortgage have a contingency. We paid extra on our credit cards for payment coverage for when we are sick (or other reasons, like job loss, death, accident, etc). Check your bills or account to see if you pay a monthly premium for balance insurance/protection. There may also be insurance coverage through Life Insurance, or other systems for which you pay.

- print off copies of your last few moths statements for your bank/credit cards.

Take note of when large amounts are auto debited/paid automatically: then you can work out when you both need to hold off on something or when you can spend a bit.

Tally up 2 things for each month of the last three months: how much money does the household bring into the account and how much comes out every month.

When we did this, we found that for years we had ALWAYS spent more than we made. I already work full time, so my husband had to enlist more guitar students.

Find out: what is taking up the bulk of the money? Ordering food? Going out for meals? That was a big problem we had.

Make sure you recognize what the charges are. Are there any that repeat each month like a subscription? Stop the subscription.

Do you have any points cards? Can you redeem the points to purchase prescriptions or groceries? At one point we turned our Aeroplan Miles into drug store coupons.

Try using this app or a similar one: we have “Flipp.” It lets you search for groceries that are on sale. I had to drive to three stores but I saved beaucoup bucks!

- Enlist your husband to cook meals (my husband loves the BBQ, loves making breakfast.) Meals don’t have to be fancy or complicated. Make extra for leftovers. Instead of ordering Chinese food, try going to your grocery store and grabbing Chinese food from the Deli.

- Coupons coupons coupons!

- Like to garden? How about a vegetable garden? Does your husband or do any relatives/friends hunt?

I hope some or one of these ideas work for you!!!

[sarahsweets]

I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband and I went through some awful financial times when he was out of work after the 2008 recession. We had such a hard time staying afloat. We almost lost our house. We were very close to losing it-we even had a sherriff sale notice. I had the worst mortgage company and had to get the Atty General's office involved in order to get the shady company to give us a loan modification. The following advice is only what I have experienced and up to you. If you have had a change in circumstances you should apply for a loan modification. You have to be behind to get one. If this is something you want to do, skip paying your mortgage and google loan modification+your state. There is HAMP and other programs to try. I do not know what you would qualify for. Most mortgage companies are required now to help their customers with this so if you call them and tell them you are having trouble paying they should be able to help you figure it out. If you do this, you will be able to use the money you have for other bills and food for now.

The stress is crazy. We are about to run out of food and I don’t know what to do—go to the grocery store and just say f*** the mortgage? I mean, my eating disorder loves the idea of potentially being forced to not eat, but of course I want my husband to fed and also it’s not good for recovery...

Next month, my husband’s student loans will kick in too.

Has he ever applied for a deferrment or forbearance? This will help you temporarily.

My husband keeps blaming me (I know he doesn’t mean to) for what feels like every little thing, making me hate myself even more. He doesn’t understand that when he calls me stupid, selfish, dumb, etc., just because he doesn’t mean it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt like hell. He’s tells me at least a few times a week how the reason we’re in this situation is because of all my medical bills that have racked up thousands of dollars of debt on our credit cards. I already know that, and feel incredibly guilty. I may be those things at times, but it seems that he likes to constantly remind me over and over.

Even if it is your "fault" he should not be saying those mean things to you. Are you comfortable telling him this? You have to stop taking that abuse because of your guilt. What you may have done or not done is in the past. you cant change it now so feeling bad about it is just taking up space in your head. Since when has guilt or shame ever helped anyone? They are toxic emotions that cause you to freeze, shut down or hide. I hope you can put that aside and be a part of the solution.

[SalingerEsme]

Summer, you need your T no matter what. Your life is at risk without. T, and it is a nonnegotiable. Could T refer you to a topnotch financial coach? There are always ways to manage this if someone is tough wit CC companies etc.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

((Summer))

Can you contact food programs in your community or ask for temporary assistance through your church? Community assistance programs often have people who can help navigate all of the ins and outs of programs available in your city/county/state in order to get temporary assistance with some bills, whether it's financial assistance or help/advice figuring out how to work with mortgage and utility companies (for example).

And I am sorry your h is using the "doesn't really mean it" excuse to treat you poorly. He's a grownup. There's no excuse for that. If he doesn't mean it, he needs to stop saying it.

Agreed on this--see if there's a local food bank (I know our county has one), where you can just go get food. You could also apply for SNAP (formerly known as food stamps--it's now a debit card). And ask your church for help. And might either of you be eligible for unemployment benefits? Just reach out for whatever you can. Possibly Medicaid for medical expenses? Those resources are there for people in your situation.

Also look into the mortgage modifications. For medical expenses, see if you can get on a payment plan. With your T, ask if they can see you for a reduced fee or late you pay later.

And it's not right for your H to take his stress out on you by calling you mean things.

[Anne2.0]

I really appreciate the wise and practical advice that people have shared in this thread. There are places to reach out for help and I would encourage you to consider doing every one. And, to some extent, relaxing because missing one mortgage payment doesn't allow them to foreclose on your house, and you can stay in your house without paying for it for some period of months (even years) even if you don't attempt to resolve it before then. You may be eligible for bankruptcy to discharge medical and/or student loan debts, and or credit card debt. Does your T take credit cars? Can you get a cash advance to pay for it? I would encourage you to go.

Otherwise, I will name the elephant in the room. You are being emotionally, verbally, and/or psychologically abused. Words tear people apart as surely as fists or whatever leave bruises. You may minimize it by saying he doesn't mean it, but this is verbal abuse and it is harmful to your personhood and I would encourage you to seek assistance at your local domestic violence organization. Not only do they have free counseling and/or support groups, but they may also know of programs that can help you financially or individuals who may be able to help. You don't have to stay at the shelter or leave your marriage, but they are a place for help you could access.

[SummerTime12]

Thank you all for the advice and support. This might be a bit long because I’m going to respond to each one of you here:
@WarmFuzzySocks and @LonesomeTonight I actually just thought about getting some assistance for food yesterday. I’m not sure why it’s never occurred to me before that we would qualify for this. I’m kind of nervous to apply for snap/go to a food pantry or something. I know logically I shouldn’t feel ashamed, but I just remember being in high school getting free lunch due to being broke and just the awful feelings that came with it. I mean that won’t prevent me from trying to get help when it truly comes to that, but it just sucks I guess.

Also @WarmFuzzySocks, looking for help through a church is a good idea. We attend super irregularly though so I don’t think they’d even know who we are, but they might still have resources.
@H011yHawkJ311yBean those are a lot of great ideas you shared, thank you. As for the name-calling and stuff, we did have a conversation about it last night, I asked him if he actually though I am those things, and he said “no, but I think you act those ways some times.” Fair enough.
Unfortunately I am in the U.S., but I can still looks up similar programs! We also added up all of expenses and income 2 days ago and yikes. Expenses are double income atm. There a couple subscriptions we could cut out like Netflix and Hulu, which I suggested a few days ago, but my h doesn’t wanna do that because he says those aren’t the big bills.. to which I countered that every little thing adds up. Everything else though is stuff we have to pay for like utilities, car insurance, credit card minimum payments, etc.
@sarahsweets this is a good idea but unfortunately we don’t qualify for anything right now because our debt to income ratio is awful. If one of us lands a job though, that could change. Fingers crossed
I actually did try telling him last night that I felt he was blaming me for all the debt. I told him I already feel super guilty that I put us in this situation, and I don’t really need to be reminded of it by him so frequently. Thank you for validating that it’s ok for me to feel that way.
@SalingerEsme I have this feeling that if my T can’t bill through my EAP, he might offer to waive my copay, as he did that for me for a session just a few weeks ago. I felt super guilty just for that one session though, so if he did offer something similar idk if I could accept again. And who knows if he will offer. I’d have to at least talk to him about the guilt first to even consider it. I don’t want to take advantage of his kindness.
@Anne2.0 while we would be able to live with missing payments if we really had to, we had a close relative co-sign when we purchased our house, so we can’t let this affect them. That’s why we’re so concerned about not being late for any payments.
Also, do you really perceive this as emotional abuse? I don’t mean that question in defensive or judgmental way, just seriously curious and surprised. I don’t think of him as abusive, I just think he has trouble expressing anger and frustration. He admits to this himself. I mean he’s never anything near violent. And the name-calling is only after I actually do mess up, and even then, stupid, dumb, and selfish is the worst it gets. That’s not to say I think it’s right that he does it, but it’s not like it’s out of nowhere or he doesn’t realize he could handle his anger better, if that makes sense?

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Also, do you really perceive this as emotional abuse? I don’t mean that question in defensive or judgmental way, just seriously curious and surprised. I don’t think of him as abusive, I just think he has trouble expressing anger and frustration. He admits to this himself. I mean he’s never anything near violent. And the name-calling is only after I actually do mess up, and even then, stupid, dumb, and selfish is the worst it gets. That’s not to say I think it’s right that he does it, but it’s not like it’s out of nowhere or he doesn’t realize he could handle his anger better, if that makes sense?

Summer, I'll chime in. It's abusive behavior.

It doesn't matter whether you made a mistake, real or perceived. It doesn't matter what his intention is. It doesn't matter that he doesn't use other skills to deal with his anger, whether he's capable of accessing those skills or not, and whether he realizes he could handle things differently or not.

You deserve respect and partnership. He does not have a right to target you when he is angry. Period.

[SalingerEsme]

How about a Go Fund Me, transferring all balances to one better card, or declaring bankruptcy to keep everyone at bay?

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

Summer, I'll chime in. It's abusive behavior.

It doesn't matter whether you made a mistake, real or perceived. It doesn't matter what his intention is. It doesn't matter that he doesn't use other skills to deal with his anger, whether he's capable of accessing those skills or not, and whether he realizes he could handle things differently or not.

You deserve respect and partnership. He does not have a right to target you when he is angry. Period.

Amen. Calling people names is abuse. Denial and minimization may make it feel better, rationalizing it as your fault is about as classic battered woman as it gets. He chooses what words come out of his mouth as surely as any other person draws his fist back. Words hurt. I think you deserve better.

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Louella, I forgot to mention seeing if a bank will do a
~ debt consolidation ~
and roll all debts into your mortgage payments... The bank/mortgage institution will charge you a better percentage/smaller amount of interest. Sometimes, as a result, you get quite a chunk of money back.

We’ve done this a few times and put the resulting windfall into paying back our debts. Just make sure it’s past the period of limitation/contract otherwise you can get penalized if you do this action beforehand.

[SummerTime12]

Soo my T can’t bill through my EAP, and didn’t offer anything, so I’ve canceled for the next 2 weeks. Our next mortgage payment will be paid after that, and then I’ll have to re-assess and see if I need to cancel more. I don’t fault him for not offering a reduced rate, I should have asked if I wanted it, but I was way too scared to. I don’t want to risk him hating me or saying no.
@WarmFuzzySocks and @Anne2.0
Thank you for your perspectives on this. I’m not exactly sure what to think. I feel like if something were seriously wrong with the way he treats me, wouldn’t my t bring it up? And sometimes we can go a week without any issues that I’m aware of. Also, he sometimes apologizes afterward. Or will start off yelling/saying all the rude things, and after an hour or so will then talk about it more calmly and start watching his words more. Idk. I had a previous boyfriend who was definitely emotionally abusive and I didn’t recognize til after we broke up, but I feel like he was SO much worse. Like breaking things to scare me, punching stuff when I said no to sex, etc. This just feels so tame in comparison.
@SalingerEsme I’ve never thought of a go fund me, not a bad idea. I feel guilty taking people’s money though haha. I brought up bankruptcy but I think that’s a last resort. Unfortunately all our credit cards are maxed right now
@H011yHawkJ311yBean, is what you’re describing a home equity loan? If so, that was actually our plan, and then we discovered that we need a better debt to income ratio in order to qualify. It’s a great idea though and something that we’ll probably pursue once we have higher income.

[Anne2.0]

Everything you are saying about why this man is not emotionally abusive is consistent with being emotionally abused. I encourage you to read more about emotional/verbal/psychological abuse (no real precise definitions among them) which you can find abundantly if search on the web. Sometimes it is harder for people to recognize when a previous relationship has been worse. Just because it's been worse doesn't mean this isn't bad. I think it is painful and harmful to live with someone who uses words as weapons. Abuse isn't limited to threats. I'd encourage you to call your local domestic violence organization. You can start here at the national level; they have online chat: National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today | 1-800-799-7233

You can also get to local programs from there. I also wonder if any of your financial problems might be due to financial abuse (see the above website)

[arielawhile]

This may feel overwhelming so please take it in whatever pieces you can manage. I agree with everyone who posted above. I volunteer at a domestic violence nonprofit, and have learned that abuse happens in cycles (a tension-building phase, the abusive incident, and then a honeymoon phase). That's how abusers keep control. If you research and talk to people, please be careful and do it secretly. Use private mode on your browser and always close your windows. Delete call records. This may feel melodramatic, but periods of heightened danger are around when survivors are researching, planning, etc. Domestic violence isn't necessarily about physical violence, but about control and power.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Hugs, Summer.

I wonder if it might be most helpful right now to focus on the way you deserve to be treated and spoken to, no matter what label can be put on it.

I just think he has trouble expressing anger and frustration. He admits to this himself. I mean he’s never anything near violent. And the name-calling is only after I actually do mess up, and even then, stupid, dumb, and selfish is the worst it gets. That’s not to say I think it’s right that he does it, but it’s not like it’s out of nowhere or he doesn’t realize he could handle his anger better, if that makes sense?

And I want to respond to this, the bolded especially. It makes total sense to me. I said things like that. I'm not trying to define your experience for you based on mine, promise. What I do know is that no one deserves to be treated the way he's treating you, and excusing his behavior allows him to continue to treat you poorly, which ultimately is damaging to both of you.

Oh...the church thing. Often reaching out to a church body to ask for help even though you attend sporadically is welcomed, as they see it as an opportunity to minister to community members.

[NP_Complete]

When I finally figured out I was being abused, it was not like some awesome revelation. It was terrible and I spiraled badly. Maybe we could support Summer with the already tough time she's having without labeling her experience for her? If she wants to explore this further when she's not already having a tough time, we can support her then too.

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

...My husband keeps blaming me (I know he doesn’t mean to) for what feels like every little thing, making me hate myself even more. He doesn’t understand that when he calls me stupid, selfish, dumb, etc., just because he doesn’t mean it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt like hell...

Has your husband been to see a therapist? He may have a condition that makes it difficult to regulate his emotions (ADHD, for example)... Or he could also see a regular doctor to rule out something like low blood sugars or other physical issue. Or he could be an alcoholic/drug addict. If a person drinks or takes drugs and becomes emotionally abusive, that is still abuse. If this is what you mean by saying “he doesn’t mean to” abuse you, it doesn’t matter. It is still abuse. No excuses: The science behind what’s said while drunk

Hang in there, hon! *huggles*

Also, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask a therapist if s/he can take payments. I’ve asked before.

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Summer, I just remembered. You can get a free app called “Flipp.” It lets you find sales on anything you like, and you can arrange by lowest to highest price, or specific store, etc.

Sometimes I have to go to two or three stores, but I just plan a route that saves the most gas.

Also, if you can buy store brand items/food rather than brand names, you’ll save a bunch.

Also, if you occasionally need a break and order in, try their website to see if they allow cheaper prices for ordering online, or if they have coupons you can print. Instead of ordering Chinese Food, for example, I’ve found ginger beef, chicken balls, mixed rice & veggies for sale cheap at the deli. We frequently get a 2 foot long sub/grinder for about $10 Canadian. We’ve also grabbed rotisserie chicken. You can save the leftover chicken to make chicken salad sandwiches or throw into soup or pasta.

Is there any possibility that you could grow your own garden vegetable, that can save you money! If you have a bunch of seedlings or plants, you could even sell some produce or seedlings to people.

Do you have any soda pop/alcohol/cans or bottles, can you return them and get the deposit! You can also go hunting for them in ditches, playgrounds, etc...

Can you have a garage sale/tag sale? Get all the decent stuff you don’t use and sell it on your lawn or driveway. Do you know anyone you could speak with to have a friend or family member or two.....

I don’t know exactly how they work but you (or your husband or both) can apply for being an Uber Driver, or you can also apply to be a delivery person for Skip the Dishes.

Can either of you house sit, dog/cat/fish/babysit?

Can you put a note in your local social media that you and your husband are available for certain odd jobs? Bringing home groceries for someone, We routinely have a couple who come by to rake/weed/mow or in winter to clear snow. How about paint fences?

Do you know anyone at church who might help put together a joint rummage sale).

I hope these ideas helped a little!

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by arielawhile

This may feel overwhelming so please take it in whatever pieces you can manage. I agree with everyone who posted above. I volunteer at a domestic violence nonprofit, and have learned that abuse happens in cycles (a tension-building phase, the abusive incident, and then a honeymoon phase). That's how abusers keep control. If you research and talk to people, please be careful and do it secretly. Use private mode on your browser and always close your windows. Delete call records. This may feel melodramatic, but periods of heightened danger are around when survivors are researching, planning, etc. Domestic violence isn't necessarily about physical violence, but about control and power.

All of this is good advice. If you go onto the website for the National Hotline I posted above, the front page gives you a run down of how to research safely on the web.

[SummerTime12]

I have exciting news!! I was offered 2 jobs and accepted my top choice today! This will help us out SO MUCH. On top of that, I found out that my husband’s work provides us with a card to cover up to a certain amount of out of pocket medical/behavioral health expenses. So I will be able to continue seeing my t!

To help us get through til our next mortgage payment though, I have been dog-walking fo a few months as @H011yHawkJ311yBean suggested. I also babysit when I can (I was a nanny for a long time).

Regarding my husband, I appreciate all the comments and support. I don’t really know what to think about it right now, but I want you all to know I’ve read each comment and will think about everything. I’ll probably bring it up to my t now that I’m seeing him again soon (unless he’s booked lol). Also, my husband doesn’t drink or so drugs so it’s nothing related to that. Could be something mental health though, but he doesn’t want to see a therapist. I have a feeling that maybe I’ve made him sound worse than he is here due to the responses, but I can’t be totally sure so I guess that’s where my t comes in. I don’t want you all to think it just went in one ear and out the other; I’m definitely giving it thought. I just think it’s possibly more of an anger issue than anything. He’s really supportive of me in other ways. Idk. It’s so hard to explain. I also did a lot of reading on emotional abuse after I broke up with my ex who fit the description to a T, but it’s like.. my husband matches some of those characteristics maybe 10% of the time? Which is why it doesn’t feel like it’s truly that, because then where do you draw the line? When does mistreatment become abuse? These are all just my thoughts as I try to process this.

[LonesomeTonight]

Congrats! So glad you got a job!


Regarding your H, just wanted to say that depression can sometimes present itself as anger--happened with my H. So if this is a more recent development, that's something to consider.

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Yes, as I mentioned, there could be a physical or mental health issue. My mom had a lot of difficulty with emotional dysregulation, and she has ADHD. I know for me I have the same but not as extreme.

But yes, depression/anxiety can make a person’s emotions all over the place, or make someone more irritable. I just wish he could count to 10 or something, or go punch a pillow, or walk into a different room or something for a few minutes rather than blame you or call you rude names. When a person becomes ill it’s understandable to be angry at the situation: it’s scary to see a loved one suffering. And then, sure, there is the money thing. But that can’t be blamed on anyone either, that happened because of the situation. If it was a car accident, flood, or some other unfortunate event, same idea. But your T can help with that, like you pointed out.

I am really happy to hear you can go see your T again and that you got that job! Way to go! Wow! All the good stuff came at once! Woohoo!

Now you can take a few breaths, eh?

[Anne2.0]

congrats on your new job, I hope everything turns out well for you.

[coolibrarian]

Sometimes verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse.

You said, "stupid, dumb, and selfish is the worst it gets." That is abuse!

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. You can leave the room, go outside, go for a walk, come back when both of you have had time to cool off, and hopefully, have a discussion about the issues, rather than name-calling. You might suggest that he get a therapist, too. I know that's more money, but if he has trouble controlling and/or expressing his anger, that's a red flag, imho.