Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Part of me sure wanted to come yesterday afternoon at my normal time but that's the part that just loves being there and since I am not ready to talk about this recent stuff yet... I can't stand the thought of paying just to be in your presence goddess how pathetic is that desire?!

I do miss you though.

The line went dead! Why??? Was it you?? Or someone in your office. I won't be able to talk in less than an hour. This isn't good.

Dear T: Please don't let me be getting attached to you. I don't want to suffer though another ending like I did with former T whenever you and I part ways. Please don't let me be getting attached. I am thinking about you and I am not in session with you right now. I'm thinking what would it be like to run into you at Target or something. I'm thinking how I would like to cuddle with you. No. No. No. Get out of my thoughts, Woman! I like you, and let that be enough. Don't let me get so attached to you like I did with former T. Why am I missing you out of session? Why am I thinking about you? Was it you saying it is difficult to see me in so much pain? Because when you said that, something pinged in my heart. Why, Woman, why? Leave my thoughts alone. Get out of my head. Like me, but don't let me get attached. Please. I couldn't bear that again. Kit

Hi t. So I was doing some writing just now about who I am living my life for. Right now, apparently the answer is for my h, my son, my mother, even you.

And about in the end, when it comes down to it who am I ultimately responsible for? Well that's a very different answer, isn't it? Me. I am ultimately responsible only for me. For who I am. For what I do. For what I think. And when I move into that space, I feel differently about some things.

We'll talk soon.

T- I got hit with two humdingers in a row today. I got rocked pretty hard, but without swamping my little tiny boat entirely. But yowza.

I remember weeks upon weeks of gritting my teeth just to make it through to the next time I could walk into your office and melt and get patted back together. It's been a long time since I thought: I wish I had a therapy session TODAY.

This day...I wish I had a therapy session with you TODAY.
Guess I'll just have a glass of wine and a hot bath instead. See you next week.

I think you were on the ball yesterday. But I think it's going too well between us. I've got no more anger left but us not having ruptures or me being mad at you feels scary and uncomfortable. but still leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy at the same time.

T I've had a really bad day although it turned out okay in the end. I nearly lost my dog. It ended well but so nearly didn't and it got me thinking about loss again. I'm so scared of losing you. I know that ultimately we lose everyone because it's the nature of life but I can't stand the thought of losing you in particular. It's a comfort to me that others feel intense attachments to their ts and struggle with wanting to be near them. I wonder if I would pay just to be near you when alls said and done. That would be pretty crazy wouldn't it...yet I can see myself wanting to hang on because there's something about you that I can't imagine finding in anyone else, not even myself. Some days I miss you so much it hurts and yet even though I'm scared of our next session due to what I've sent you, I'm still desperate to see you because I know what I've said is okay with you and we will get through it. I know you won't reject me or hurt me in any way - not intentionally. I just wish you could fill all the emptiness inside me but I know you can't. I know that isn't your job and it's probably mine. You play a small role but the rest is up to me. Some days I'm not sure I want to. I just want to be with you.

lonelyinmyheart i just wanted to say that what you wrote really resonates deeply for me and it is a comfort to me as well to know that I'm not the only one who feels all of this. i am working through it, slowly, and am starting to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but at one time or another i have felt all of what you said so eloquently.... the struggle with wanting to be near t, missing her so much it physically hurts, wanting her to fill the abyss within, something about t that I can't find in anyone else... all of it. you said it all SO well. Thank you.

Thank you for saying all that Artie it really means a lot. It's reassuring to know you've come some way in working through all these difficult feelings because they are so incredibly difficult. Hopefully the healing comes in being open about them which is what I'm trying to do, also slowly.

It sounds dumb but I just figured out that with my sessions now on friday that means that I have to wait even longer to see you.

Your one week break in october becomes 11 days.

Your 16 day xmas break adds 7 days at the start as you won't see me on the 20th (as that's when you officially leave) so our last session would be on the 13th. Then when you do return on the 6th I would have to wait until the 10th so that's an extra 4 days. = So 27 days.

Then you'll go away again at Easter minimum 2 weeks.

Then again for 4 weeks in august.

See, you are better at maths than you thought! always a silver lining!

When I see you again, I want to ask what you think of this statement: "Excessive analysis perpetuates emotional paralysis". The writing course dude uses that phrase a lot. Maybe I'll write something about it too.

Oh and you know what else, I could not have timed this break better considering we are having to shell out $850 to have the storm damage in our yard cleaned up, pulled the rest of the way out of our neighbor's yard, and hauled away. That's one whole paycheck for me for 2 weeks!!

I love you una!

So I listened to your advice and didn't cancel going to that party, but I didn't meet anyone like you said I could apart from her cat. xD . But I didn't actually stay very long like I said I would as I was back in bed by 8.30pm!

This is also something that the old me would never have done. But I had a last minute message from another friend J and have agreed to meet up with her in the city center tomorrow. I've always been scared to actually travel on my own especially if I haven't done it before. On the very day I met you in person- I actually arrived an hour and 25 mins early just in case I got lost. I've always told myself that I was bad with directions, but actually just stopped and asked myself "who told me that?".

She will meet me on the other end but I have to make my own way to the train station first. The idea of that before would have actually set my anxiety on the edge but I want to try to do things I would have been scared to do before. So that's two points for therapy being life changing and all that jazz.

Oh Kit, I am going through the same thing. It is really painful and a lot of work to keep myself from getting attached. Over the last couple of months I have developed a horrible fear something will happen to EMDR T.

I keep rehearsing what our conversation is going to be when I see you on Thursday. How I'm going to start. What I'll say, what your response will be. But, I know it will never happen like that, will it? It never does. No matter how well I try to plan it.
I've got some of it written down, but I know if you respond with something different, I'll freeze up and blank out. I won't say half of what I want to. Thursday's anxiety is going to be off the charts.

Dear T,
Saw my parents for dinner tonight. I think I've become a pretty good actress with them, acting like everything in my life (and my mental health) is OK. And then H was flipping out because his phone stopped working, though I convinced him to just go to the Apple store, instead of taking his frustration out on me (OK, so I contributed to it, I guess, by suggesting things to try--I should know better not to try to help with those things, as he just gets angry with me). I miss you. Monday seems far away (plus I'm seeing you later than usual), but there's football tomorrow, so that will help pass the time.

Love,
LT

Dear Ex T,

F U. Plain and simple.

I need to learn how to make up my damn mind. One minute I am glad to be on a break, the next I want to see you RIGHT NOW DAMMIT, then immediately I am like no I don't, I'm good. smh

It seems like every time I turn around it is time to see you again. I cannot seem to keep up with my diary card, journaling, and homework. The time just hoes by too fast. I wish I could go only once a week or better yet every 2 weeks but I know it will take me forever to get better at that rate. Ugh. Why did I get chisen to have such a crappy family and life? Why couldn't I be born into an even half way normal life?

I am not ready to see you again tomorrow or Thursday for that matter.

Love me love me love I hate you

The game metaphor has changed. It's now a lot more like Buckaroo. I want to tell you to be careful, but you've never been anything other than careful.

T, I hope I can find my way to the new clinic, arrive on time and not get hopelessly lost!