The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy:

Step 4 – Orient to Present Time

Triggered parts feel stuck in the past – stuck in a time when they were relatively small, needy, powerless, and dependent on
grown-ups for survival. Perhaps you’re an adult now – with the power that adulthood brings. Like the power to earn money,
pay for food, clothes, and a place to live, and choose who you live with. But triggered parts are either unaware, or barely
aware, of that power. They need to understand life is different now. To bring a triggered part into the present, invite him/her
to answer one or more the following questions…
- (So little one) that painful childhood experience had a beginning, a middle, and an end. How many years has
it been since it ended? When is it going to happen again?
- If that frightening childhood experience happened now, what could you do to protect yourself now, that
you couldn’t do back then?
- How long has it been since you lived with WOUNDING PERSON(S) ? If WOUNDING PERSON(S) wanted to move
in with you now, and do those wounding things again, would you have to let them?
- Look around the room. Is this the room/home where all that bad stuff happened?
- Get out your driver’s license, and say… Look, you have a driver’s license now. Did you have one back then?
- (So sweetheart) look at your hands and wiggle your fingers? Do you see those are your adult fingers that
you can wiggle? Is this what you expected to see?
- If you’re wearing a wedding ring, ask… Do you see that wedding ring? What does that mean? Were you married
back then, when all that bad stuff happened?
- Get in front of a mirror. (So precious) touch your face. Do you see that’s your adult hand or your adult face? Is
this what you expected to see?
- (So honey) do you see you have power now that you didn’t have back then? What’s it like to notice that?

Step 5 – Explain About the Recording
(So sweetheart) growing up, you had that very wounding experience with WOUNDING PERSON(S) . While that
was happening, your brain was making a recording of it – like filming a home movie. And that recording has been
inside ever since. Something just pressed “PLAY” on that recording. And that’s why you’re so upset. When this
recording plays back, it FEELS like THE WOUNDING EXPEREINCE is happening again – right now! But it’s not. You’re
not reliving the bad experience, you’re just reliving your reaction to it.
Ask the Resources if they believe the old recording can hurt you now, like WOUNDING PERSON(S) hurt you back
then. What do they say?
When Resources say the recording is harmless, ask… What’s it like to hear that?
If the part is still not sure about that, say… If you were to watch a scary movie, you’d feel fear, right? But you wouldn’t
be in danger, because a movie isn’t real life. And this old recording of WOUNDING PERSON(S) is not real life either.
Discuss this until the triggered part understands.

Step 6 – Assess Your Progress
(So honey) are you still very upset about THE TRIGGERING EVENT ?
- If YES, ask the part… What else do you need now? Then return to Steps 3-5 above.
- If NO or MUCH LESS UPSET, go to Step 7 below.

Step 7 – Invite the Part to Settle In

When there’s nothing else to talk about you’ll invite the part to settle in to the Special Safe Place, so your adult self can be
fully front and center again. Your invitation will depend on whether or not you have a therapist who can follow up with this
wounded part.
If you have a therapist, say…
(So honey) I’d like to see you get unstuck and heal at
the perfect time. I’m not sure when that’s going to be,
hopefully soon. Our therapist can help us work on that.
Now find a nice, cozy, safe place to settle in to your
Special Safe Place. Settle in with the Resources. Find a
good place to rest and play, until the next time you’re
needed.
If you DON’T have a therapist, say…
(So honey) your future well-being is very important
to me. Please know that I’m here for you, and the
Resources are here for you – whenever you need us.
Now find a nice, cozy, safe place to settle in to your
Special Safe Place. Settle in with the Resources. Find
a good place to rest and play, until the next time
you’re needed.

I paid for that from the website as my T said it would be most beneficial. So no you all have it.

Just do that and you will all be cured.

You are welcomed.

That is all very similar (not exactly, but similar enough that I can recognize the parallels) to what my T and I do (part of what we do) and it can actually make a huge difference. The hurt parts of our selves are stuck in the past. They respond to triggers as if the traumas are happening right here and right now. Their whole physiological being responds as though the trauma is occurring in the present. All of these steps outlined above are to try to get the parts of the brain that respond to current day triggers as present day threats to calm (calming the nervous system response) and to allow the frontal cortex ('adult mind'/compassionate self) to come back online.
It reads like make-believe, but its actually based on neuroscience. Its all about retraining the brain.

Do you have attachment issues? Are you so attached to your therapist you see him/her as the caring parent even if they are not trying to play that role?

When I try to visualize all my resources the child part and teenage parts throws a tantrum because she does not want them she wants a real person.

Thank you for sharing this.

Yeah, to me this scripted scenario sounds very fake as well. If my T would ever try to anything like this I would most likely feel that he tries to drop me off of himself. I need a real human with me and not an imaginary crowd.

I know I am going against the crowd here but I don't the Moxie's is dumping this on her and then deserting her. I think he suggested her readng the information so that she has an understanding of the modality "he" is trying to use to help her.

This is a very common method used to treat DID and others with young parts needing reassurance. While your T can validate you and your parts, he cannot be a parent. As uncomfortable and silly as it seems now, your parts are within you. You are with them 24/7. You are the only one that can understand their needs and feelings. As with any T whether for multiples or singletons, it is your Ts job to teach you the skills to improve your wellbeing.

I say this from a place of compassion and understanding. My T reminds me to do this kind of thing all the time. At first I thought he was totally crazy but he kept reminding me and I finally decided to really give it a try. It doesn't work if you are not sincere. I started with just making an effort to talk to my parts each day. I would focus on different ones until I really got an understanding of their fears and needs. Then I started to really try to connect with them trying to speak from the position of a parent or big sister. I let them know I understand how they feel and that I was there to help them. I let them know I loved them and it is ok to feel what they feel. Eventually they started to trust me and find some happiness. It is a long, hard process and very time consuming but as my T says...I didn't get this way overnight and there is no magic wand to make it all better overnight.

Your road to recovery is your own and only you can make the hard choices. I know it is not easy. I have learned however that I can't say something doesn't work if I don't give it my best shot and sometimes it takes a few tries. Just like trying to get kids to tolerate or like a new food. Anyway...good luck to you. I wish you the best.

I think this method can be great for people who are receptive to it and who find it suitable. I don’t think it would be useful to force it on people who do not feel this approach is suitable for them. Forcing an unsuitable method does not help the therapeutic alliance and without it there’s no hope for any method to work.

I do not know what is suitable for me. It feel so hokey. All of it. Session was labored today. Visualizing this fake group of saviors sitting with me in an imaginary place that he made think my younger part would want to be. I chose an enchanted forest sitting on the rocks by a babbling brook. Now this is where the younger part stays while my adult self does adult things that children have no place being part of. Ugh

I actually Drew an entire playroom for my little parts each one has like a segmented room that just has things that they like in it that they can go for privacy then there's group rooms with TV and books and outside they can play bikes or ride bikes and play basketball and play in the sandbox there's a fish tank there's a kitchen where they can eat whatever they want there's a music room computers games all kinds of stuff it is a place I would have loved to go to as a kid have you been has a little River Island with a hammock and flowers trees I tried to put stuff in it that appeals to each one the first I had to spend a long time getting to know them to know what they like what would make them happy I have the picture up on the refrigerator so that we're reminded everyday it's a place of safety and fun or they can hang out together are they can go into their own private little area they like spending time there

Yes, I absolutely have attachment issues. My pattern of attachment to other human beings is very screwed up.

I understand the younger parts want a real life person to play that role, and want the T to be the one to play it. Some of our youngers are the same.
The fact remains that T is not the person to fill that role. The role of a T is limited to a set number of hours each week (most often just one!) and contact outside of that hour is limited at best. Unlike a good-enough parent during the developmental years who can "be there" for the child when needed the T is most likely NOT going to be available when those younger parts are activated and needing a responsible older other to calm them. This leads to massive problems!! For those younger parts who for healing truly need the guidance of a responsible and caring other, this leads to an endless roller coaster ride of abandonment triggers, miscommunication, a sense of rejection, interspersed with moments of true connection and healing. A T can never be enough.

Zoiecat summed it up well when she said:

I know how much the younger parts needed a parent figure to care for them. Trust me, I know. But the child has grown and the window of opportunity for the child to get what the child needed when the child needed it has gone. Of course they are going to tantrum about that. Who wouldn't. It was a critical developmental need.
That bird has long since flown the coop.
But do you know who hasn't?

You. You are the one person in the entire world who can "be there" in a meaningful sense to care for, nurture and console your child parts 100%, every day, in every instance, whenever they need you. Every single time.

Know where my child parts used to get their needs met? With lots of men. I would compromise my body to try and be taken care of by different men. I never understood why I would do that. It was an aching need. I hated the sex but it was necessary payment in my mind.

Well since I feel like I am loosing ground with T fulfilling what those strong young parts need, they started thinking about doing that again. It is the emptiness that I feel is unbearable. T was filling that emptiness but sessions have changed, he has switched directions and the empty feeling is back. I have to fill it.

The parts are just normal parts of a human being that have perfectly normal needs and wants. The drive to get those needs met is strong... for a child its very survival hinges on it. So those child parts are driven by a need that feels as desperate and intense as survival itself.
Because they can't see that the compassionate part of you can help them (because the compassionate part of you has never been able to before because you didn't even know how) they probably believe that if T can't be that parent for them then no-one can. And because the inner drive to fulfil those needs feels like a matter of life and death, it is only natural they would want to fulfil them in whatever capacity they have been able to meet any of them in past, even if those ways might be destructive.
This is where the compassionate adult self can help, once you have learned how. And your T knows how to help you do that.
All is not lost. It is the very opposite, in fact. Your T knows how to help you find your way out of this.
Of course it feels impossible to help those younger parts yourself at the moment. You haven't learned how to do it. Yet.

How is T know how to help me with this especially since he does not even know all the ways I feel about him. It is way to shamming and embarrassing to have this conversation with him.

Yesterday T and I were working on severely neglected infant me. I had told T that my protective parts did not feel it was safe yet to allow T to be with infant me. T held my hand to try and help keep me grounded. T told me what he would have said to “that little baby” had he been there. He uses that language because of my protective parts not wanting him near my young parts. He told me that even though she was inconsolable if he had been a nurse where I was born he would have held me. He would have told me he was sorry I was born into this difficult life. He said he would have told that baby he hoped that she would find loving, compassionate people in her life that could show her something better. At the end of session we always hug. At the end of session it was a really long hug and he repeated all those things to infant me while he was holding me in that hug. Personally, with my attachment issues I find this far more healing and helpful than the T who identified some of the unmet child needs and then dumped those needs on adult me as if I had somehow miraculously discovered how to meet needs I didn’t understand on whichever birthday it was when I magically became an “adult”.
Moxi, I wish I could loan you my T or at least one of his really great hugs if you wanted it.

Never tell your therapist you are attached to them.

Never tell your therapist you depend on them.

Never write them an email that might piss them off even the slightest.

You get punished for showing any improvement.

He started his session off with "We need to discuss cutting sessions down."

I saw the change in the way he dealt with me. He did a complete 360 after an email I sent him 3 weeks ago and saw the slow change after I tried to talk to him about my transference.

I feel sick.

my ex-T didn't do a very fantastic job either of handling my transference or his own counter transference for that matter

it's not an easy predicament to be stuck in, especially when there is such overwhelming pain involved. just know that you are not alone as you work through this