Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

I wrote a letter to my mother (the non-sendy kind) to share with my therapist today. It's pretty stream of consciousness and raw. I'm a little anxious to share it with him.

I wish I could get a hug from former T. I could really use it this week. I've emailed her and she did send me back a short note but so not the same. I just wish I could sit with her in her office and feel safe and secure for an hour. HUGS Kit

Trying to do a worker's comp audit and I'm trying to find a specific report that the worker's comp audit is asking for. The report I printed is 164 pages... I don't think that is the report. But since I printed it out, I'm tempted to send it to them anyway and let them sort through it.

I'm having SH thoughts and urges. But since I'm going to my cousin's wedding this weekend in Vegas and I'm wearing a dress, I'm trying not to. But I'm going to wear a sweater (me arguing with myself) so it's not like anyone would know. But I would know. I'm at 24 days of no SH which is one day short of half of my goal. I'm trying. HUGS Kit

I teach courses online and take them too. They can be dry, it’s really a reflection of the professor and how much effort they put in.

Yeah, K,the consulting T who I've seen a couple times. She helped me process some of what happened in Monday's session with ex-DrT. I was getting pretty upset about things this morning, thinking back to some of what he'd said to me Monday,and she helped me work through it and keep me from buying into what he'd said.

I'm seeing M again Monday. He wanted me to give him a month (weekly). I do still have a phone consult with a T in a week or two, and I'm glad I kept that. K today was saying that she thinks Internal Family Systems might be a good fit for me, and I said I thought the T I was supposed to talk to did that. I said her name, and she said she's a good one with that. I recall she couldn't see me for a session until October, so at that point I'll have had about a month with M and can hopefully make a decision? She also gave me some good questions to ask M regarding how he practices.

And she's open to my seeing her whenever I want/need. I can't really see her being a regular T for me,but she's a good validator and self-esteem booster.Like I expressed fears that I'm doomed in T relationships (because of what ex-DrT said), but she asked how long I'd been married (took a sec--11 years). And she said that shows I'm capable of maintaining a long-term relationship. I mentioned having some long friendships as well. So she said I have the capability.

She thinks I basically graduated with ex-DrT and need someone to take me to the next step. Which I agree with. I'm trying to frame it that way instead of it being a bad ending...I'll likely write it up in my thread later--the last session with ex-DrT, I mean. Since I typed up a bunch of notes about it to use in today's session anyway.

I feel a bit lighter now, so it definitely helped...

I had a pretty good one in grad school--well, it was a hybrid, where we met once a month in class. I've also taken some pretty bad ones when I took some random undergrad stuff like 10 years ago. It does depend so much on the professor. And the other students, in terms of discussions.

One of my freelance gigs is actually editing online college courses, though I have nothing to do with their administration. They generally include discussions, with requirements for interacting with other students. Some of them can be quite dry as well...I just finished one for School Counselors that was pretty interesting though!

I'm not feeling safe at all today. A memory has been stuck in my head the past 2 days and I talked a bit about it today to T. But it felt like I blinked and the session was over, and I'm left to myself and these thoughts that won't stop. Going to try to take a nap to see if I can calm down.

My daughter has her 1st dance class tonight that I want to take her too. I don't know how long I can wait to get stitches, because I don't want to miss not being able to take her to dance. If I still feel this bad later I might call T.

HUGS @SheHulk07

Oh, the correct report for the worker's comp audit is 7 pages. LOL!

I generally dislike online classes but I had to take a couple for undergrad and a couple for grad school. It really depends on the discussion boards how interesting it can be. And part of that depends on the other students and part of that depends on the professor. I had one professor who gave a list of topics for discussion at the beginning of the week, and you had to do so many I think it was four topics, and at the start of the week, there were like 10 topics, but as the week went on, she would remove topics from the list, so if you waited until the last day of the week to do your discussion, you were stuck with the four topics that she left. I always did mine the first or second day when there were still all ten available so you didn't end up with the yucky topics that no one wanted to discuss or the WTH topics. But I appreciate being in class and having that visual of what the teacher is like and what the other students are like, and that ability to have a more personal connection with others in the class. I like hybrid classes okay but regular in class classes are my favorites.

I'm bored at work right now. I was busy, and now I'm not. Bored is bad because then I start thinking about things. When I'm busy I can get distracted from all the things that are bothering me or hurting me.

Blimey. I just started crying at work. Like not full on sobbing but tears running down my face. Great. Wonderful. (Sarcasm). I hope no one walks by and sees me.

Hugs! This happened to me recently, in response to stress that I was compartmentalizing to avoid dealing with. My body over-rode my brain on that day.

Can you take a quick walk around the parking lot or something? Might give you privacy. Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks @StressedMess I ended up just going to the bathroom for about 5 minutes. But every time I think I'm done crying, I start crying again. I think I am just overwhelmed/sad/scared/fearful this week and there is no respite.

Here's the text that I sent to former T (current T doesn't text): Hi L, no need to respond. Just wanted to tell you I wish I could see you. To sit in your office with you and feel safe and secure for one hour would be amazing and so reassuring this week. Trying to conjure up those feelings just by thinking of you. Crying a bit. Miss you. Love you. Kit (of course I totally wish she would respond, but it's not necessary. I just wanted to be heard and I know she would hear me.)

Argh. I have a headache from all the crying. I really could have used a day off this week to just chill, rest, relax, recuperate. But there was too much going on at work and reviews are next week.

Waiting to go on a date I don't really want to go on. I saw the guy twice and was kind of meh but not omg no so I agreed to have dinner with him but now I just kind of want to go to bed. Oh well. At least the place has good food (I picked it).

What does the couch think about long term therapy?

My supervisor for my internship is an LCSW.. and worked as a therapist for sometime. Her opinion is that as soon as the client enters therapy there should be thought of how and when they are going to get that client “better” and out of therapy. She says, that of course there are some who are severe mental illness who will always be with a t. But the majority of clients shouldn’t.

I have been in therapy for almost 9 years with the same t. I do not have severe mental illness, however it is obvious that I still have issues I need or can work on with a t. Supervisor seemed to suggest that a client who has been in therapy that long should look at the t and see if they are any good or just there to take your money.

Idk.. of course she doesn’t know that I am in therapy or how long I have her therapy. But it kind of got me in the gut as I have been dealing with my recent issues with t.

@healed84 I was in long term (10 years) therapy with my former T. Do I have severe mental illness? IDK. I have depression with psychotic features, which is not in remission. I have some other disorders. But is it severe? IDK. I struggle with suicidality and self harm. I saw one T for 4 times that seemed to have that mentality. Like you were in therapy for 10 years and you're not better yet? What were you doing? Etc. It really got to me because it made me question things. But a year out from seeing former T and I know she was a good T for me. I know the work we did together was good. I am not in the same space I was ten years before. There is growth. There is improvement. There was healing. And change. I would still be with her if she hadn't gotten sick with MS. She wasn't there just to take my money. I know that. Or else she would have charged me for all the emails she let me send and that she responded to and all the phone calls. And texts. Etc. She was there because she cared about me. And I believe she was a good T. At least she was a good T for me. Could she have pushed me a bit harder. Probably, but I dissociate easy and when she pushed too hard I dissociated. So what she perfect, no. But practically. I don't know what recent issues you have been having with your T but I do think there is a place and a time for long term therapy with the right therapist. HUGS Kit

I agree that Internal Family Systems may be a good fit for you. From what I understand of IFS, the goal is to strengthen your own internal "good enough parent" (as opposed to seeking it from others). YOU become the resource you need! I think I would work well with it too.

I know you're angry at ex-Dr. T, but I see a lot of positive changes in you since you started working with him. I think the lessons you took from your work with Ex-MC, and now Ex-Dr.T, have brought you to the place you are RIGHT NOW... which is exactly where you need to be.

My current T is like ex-Dr.T. The work was very painful (he was the first to tell me that I am "histrionic"), but it was actually very helpful to me in the long run. It hurt like a mofo when it happened, but I grew from it.

pulling out my list of coping skills instead. Sigh

Scared myself a minute ago when I went to the bathroom at work. I was hallucinating and I thought there was a racoon in the bathroom. But there wasn't. There was a spider in my office but someone must have killed it. I don't kill them. I just let them be. I'm pretty sure the spider wasn't a hallucination, but I'm not 100% sure.

Going to my cousin's wedding in Vegas this weekend. Yeah. (Sarcasm). Going to spend time with my extended family. Yeah. (Sarcasm). Most of them think I'm a loser and I end up just feeling bad about myself. There's a few people I like so I will try to hang with them, but they think I'm like the weird, sick, spinster cousin so I'm ostracized by the family.

Losing our Engineer at work is really hurting us. He quit this week. It's causing a lot of stress among the employees. No wonder work has been stressing me out this week.