Will It Ever Be the Same?

I emailed my T because I am having a lot of difficulty at this point. He didn't reply. In sessions, since he basically forced me to stop idealizing him and to stop the transference, it just hasn't been the same. I don't get the same safe feeling. He's going away for Christmas, which is fine, no problem. But, will I ever feel totally safe with him again? Or does that end when you realize that he is actually a human being? I feel that I was not ready for this. I have been in so much pain. I just feel so lost. I sent him an email saying thanks so much for not replying and showing how much you don't care. Then I recanted, sending an email that said disregard. I can't decide if I hate him, or if I want to really like him but can't because of what's happened. I hope this makes sense.

OHhh ((((Soliaree))))

How can he force you to stop the transference? I don't understand.

I am sorry you are in so much pain. Can you discuss these questions with him? Can you get to the root of them? If you can figure out why you feel this way it might help. But you need a T's help for that!

Are you confusing transference with boundaries? I did that recently and T explained to me what was going on. I felt better once I understood.

Transference is an important component of therapy.

I know my T is a human being. I know he has a family whom he lives with and a wife he loves. But that doesn't mean an end to the transference.....when I am with him (and not) I still have feelings. After all, I am a human too and so are you!!

Hugs.

oh my Sol... i am sorry honey. i dont know why he didn't respond and i wish i could kick his butt around the room for not getting back to you.

therapy anxiety can be the worst and i am so sorry it's over the holidays.

i wish i knew how to help and take it all away. You've been such a sweetie to me.

(fluff tackles Sol in typical running leap and plants a giant smoochie)

You are soooo right Fluff. I don't understand why "therapy anxiety" is so intense and terrible. I hate it. So many times I ask myself..." why do you go to therapy for help with depression, anxiety,etc., when therapy gives you so much depression, anxiety, etc.?" As of this moment, I have no answer.
Obviously, it is a common problem. I guess it's part of the process. But, I can't figure out how it's therapeutic.

Sol, I don't mean to highjack your post. I am just feeling a lot of empathy with you and your question. Obviously, I don't have the answers. I'm going thru similar therapy anxiety & pain right now. Wish I could give you a reassuring hug


tulips

(((((((((Soliaree))))))))))

Big Bear Hug to you. It's been awhile since we've connected via chat and I miss that. Sooooo Sorry you are going through this difficult time. I know how it can be to just want to be heard and let all the pain out so there might be some relief and you can't get in touch with your T. Mine says I can email him, but he doesn't read them every day so they're not reliable source of communication. I would really like to be able to email him back and get prompt messages in return too and I would expect that from him. If there is anything I can do please PM me and let me know.

What? how exactly did he force the transference to stop? Do you mean that he handled your feelings poorly? I know in the beginning with my T, I felt that way about his approach to my attachment to him.

He's much improved over the two years, it takes training sometimes! Can you tell me more about this?

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Soliaree said:
In sessions, since he basically forced me to stop idealizing him and to stop the transference, it just hasn't been the same.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">How can you stop the transference? Did you feel that since you stopped idealizing him, the transference stopped automatically? I don't think of those two things as being linked. I would like to understand more about what you meant. I hope you are feeling better and I'm sorry you don't feel safe with your T anymore. Can you tell him that?

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will I ever feel totally safe with him again? Or does that end when you realize that he is actually a human being?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">For me, the answer is that safety is not related at all to my T being a human being. Because of my T's therapeutic orientation (eclectic but with strong basis in humanistic psychology), there has never been in any doubt for me that he is very, very human. It's wonderful, actually. And this has not in any way stopped me from feeling safe with him.

Sorry y'all, I guess I'm just totally confused. I don't know, I just feel like things have changed for some reason. It's a feeling, not a thought, so I don't know how to explain it. This sounds stupid, but I still WANT to idealize him because when I did I felt safe in knowing that he would be able to cure me. A delusion? Yes. I know he couldn't force me to stop idealizing him, but somehow it stopped. (LOL, so since I don't know who's to blame, might as well make it his fault I told him that I hated that I felt more for him (like a father) than he does for me. He told me he wouldn't lie to me to make me feel better. Ouch! I know, I know. He's not my friend, he's my T. He's a human being, I know that cognitively. But somehow my emotions aren't inline with my thoughts. Thanks for all of your posts! I hope this explains my delusional thinking in more detail, LOL. I don't know about myself sometimes Take Care Everyone!

Soliaree, I've been where you are..its very hard to be in the transistion stage..but you will learn that the "real" relationship is so much better than the "fantasy" and one day you will appricate your T never lying to you, even when the truth sometimes isn't want we think we'd prefer, that knowing someone cares enought to be really honest with us means a lot! I find I miss that within my normal circle of aquaintence, I miss that real gut honesty that I get with T, but having got it from T I can "forgive" those that haven't experienced the healing effects I have/am and that most people will only do what they know how to do, in this respect I am grateful for my past life because of what Its led me too or else I'd go through life just living medocrely and never ever escaping lifes delusions..

(((((((((((((( Soliaree )))))))))))))))

I don't think it is a delusion to feel toward one's male T as one would feel toward a father (and enjoy that feeling :-) But your T can't "cure" you, even if he were your father or the best T in the world; only you can. There's nothing to be gained by enjoying the fantasy of a relationship that can't exist? I spent 10-15+ years in a fantasy of my own making and it is sad that that many years of my life are "gone" with not a whole lot to show for them. I wish I had spent those years struggling with reality instead of fantasizing so I wouldn't get so use to fantasizing and have to fight against that habit even now, 30+ years later.

I think the idealizing stopped once you found out about certain things that could never happen. Although idealizing feels safe and wonderful, it is actually quite healthy when the opposite happens-- it just feels scary and unsafe. You felt rejected-- so why the hell would you idealize him then? Of course things have changed. But now you will start to learn that it is okay to hold multiple feelings for him all at the same time. And neither will either "ruin" the relationship or "cure" you. But I think it will enhance the relationship and your treatment dramatically-- providing you talk to him about this of course!!

Thanks for the support! It helps me so much when I get input from others -- it helps me make sense of whatever it is that I am experiencing.

It absolutely feels scary and unsafe! It is so difficult to be going through this, taking care of my family, raising my 9 year old daughter, and working. I kind of wish this had waited until Summer break, but I guess I'll make it.

I'm interested in the holding multiple feelings for T at the same time. So, I went from idealizing/devaluing(sp?) T (mostly idealizing) to feeling both at the same time? The feelings are literally gut-wrenching. The emotions are still very intense, but now I'm dealing with more than one at a time. I guess it's no wonder I feel so unsettled. Is the goal to get used to feeling such intense emotions at one time or will all of the feelings lessen in intensity as I progress? Is this how people who don't have mental issues feel?

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Soliaree said:
Is this how people who don't have mental issues feel?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think there is a great diversity in how people feel, whether they have mental issues or not. (I'm not even sure what that phrase means!) For example, there are some people who are what is called "black and white thinkers", and this is an entrenched thought pattern where people either see all good or all bad in a situation or a person. Something is either all or nothing. E.g., the therapist is either all-wise and perfect or he is a totally incompetent schmuck. Do you know what I mean? But there are many people who do not consider themselves to have mental issues who think this way.

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So, I went from idealizing/devaluing(sp?) T (mostly idealizing) to feeling both at the same time?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It kind of sounds that way. Maybe rather than feeling the two extremes at the same time you can instead move toward feeling the shades of gray in between, like "my T is a normal guy, a human being, he is very helpful to me, but sometimes he doesn't understand me and that's disappointing, but hey, it's also OK and normal--it just means that sometimes I have to explain things better." There are no extremes there, just the feelings "in between." Sometimes a result of giving up the black and white thinking is less anger and hurt because then you are not so disappointed when a person fails to live up to your unrealistic, extreme expectations.

I got kind of sidetracked with the B/W thinking, but overall, yes, it can be very hard to deal with multiple feelings at once! But it's a normal part of existence and something we can learn to do better. Great thing to work on in therapy.