Couch 208: The Practical Couch

Thanks, everyone, for reading my massive post. I left out a lot of details believe it or not. There were other things that he wasn't listening to me about during our Wednesday session, including that he seemed to have decided I don't believe he cares about me, which is not true. I just still have some issues on that front. I'm definitely not telling him what he wants to hear. I was trying to be honest with him, but he was in defense mode and wasn't hearing me. I feel it's entirely possible to be okay with discontinuing the calls, but still having some strong feelings about it. And he didn't refer me to the ER; not sure where that came from.

I think he did handle this in an inelegant manner. His timing was off. I really, really wish that if he was having misgivings about continuing with this, he would have said something a lot sooner. It makes me feel awful that he didn't want to do it anymore but kept doing it anyway. But, you know what, he's a human being and he makes mistakes. He's actually very good about owning up to it when he screws up. I admire that about him.

I don't think I'm up to seeing a different therapist at this point. I don't think I can adequately convey to someone new how I ended up at this particular point in my life or how to explain the abuse that happened. Maybe it's not necessary to fully explain, but one of my issues is feeling like I have to justify my feelings to everyone. We've identified it in therapy, but I haven't worked past it yet.

I realize I'm kind of in a holding pattern. There are things holding me back that I can't bring myself to talk about yet. Seeing a different therapist won't make me want to talk about those things any sooner. I'm slowly working my way there with him though. I put out small feelers now and again to see how it might feel to talk about these things. He's not a trauma specialist, but he's also read a lot of books that I suspect he's read because of his work with me. He's willing to learn and that means a lot to me. I think a lot of what I'm trying to work through with him is relational trauma from my marriage and attachment stuff from childhood. I feel a real attachment to him and I feel that's probably very important for me to be able to work with someone. Even though I sometimes get to the point where I want to push him away, I don't really want to push him away. It's just scary sometimes.

As for the tangible signs of care, this is also something we've brought into the open recently. I have some trust issues. My ex would tell me he loved me but then he would do things that contradicted that, so at this point, I don't fully trust words. Actions mean more to me and the phone call was an action. I'm working on trusting words, but it's not going to be something that changes overnight. And I do pay him every time he calls me. $2.05 per minute (although he sometimes rounds it down for simplicity).

I do think he has stuff going on. For one, this Thanksgiving trip seems to be a last minute, up in the air kind of thing, because he told me he'd let me know if he can be in office. He's said that he has his own problems and issues. He keeps telling me this week that he's only human. I think he thinks I expect him to be perfect, but in reality I appreciate that he's not perfect. It may not feel great when he's not, but at least I know he's real. During our last session, he said that working together like this, we're going to end up triggering each others traumas. He definitely triggered some of mine.

What is this hangup therapists have that they think clients expect them to be perfect? I’ve had them say it to me (and fully expect Info to try that line on Tuesday) and I read it on here a lot.

Yet I’m pretty sure I’ve never expected a therapist to be perfect and I don’t get the sense most clients on here do either. I’ve never even felt the urge to say that to anyone when I’ve disappointed them.

It sounds like a line they learn in therapy school (“Defensive Statements to Make to Clients” 101). Or a neurosis of their own.

*flops onto Couch*

Feeling like a coward today. Arrived late to the event, so I wouldn't have to deal with the trigger full-on.

I think they mean "clients expect us to be perfect for them [each individual client]" and they can't be all things to all people. I read a great deal of "my therapist should know me by now," "my therapist knows how I would react," etc. That's pretty common discussion on this forum. The thing is, they aren't going to always read, ahead of time, how a client will possibly react to something, and that is where clients get shaken up because clients expect them to know them internally. But they aren't going to be able to do that with great accuracy because, the reality is we can't predict how we, ourselves, will react to things either.

Since i was the one who mentioned the ER - I meant, in the beginning, i thought he was calling you to keep you safe on the weekends. You wrote here of trips to the woods, etc. For him to have said he was unavailable on weekends would have been inappropriate, but something besides regular calls should have been implemented. I think it just created a different wound.

Imo, i would have found weekend calls from my t incredibly intrusive, even tho there have been times i soooooo wished for them. It TOTALLY changes the idk "flavor?" of the weekend. You are NEVER on your own. You are always under his skirt! (Its an italian expression.)

I would call the past year not a wash, as you did stay afloat, but the feelings and issues and impulses that were there a year ago are still here now. I say surprise him and tell him you realize that.

I dont understand what you two are "arguing" about, that you say he says you say etc - maybe it would help if you clarified that? Idk.

The problem I see is that therapists want to have it both ways. They set the game up up but don't take any responsibility. Therapists tell clients they know, understand, and are macro-watching (literally what the second one said to me) -and then defensively claim they are not perfect when they fail to live up to their own billing. I always found it fun to watch the woman become defensive and deny it - they are indeed not only not perfect, but not nearly as good as they like to think they are. I think their appearances of understanding are mostly the equivalent of parlor tricks. They, of course do not, but they have learned a lot of ways of making it appear as though they do - which they believe as well as the client sometimes- and they want the client to believe it.

My T suggested that I read a Fairbairn paper called “endopsychic structures considered in terms of object relationships.” I read it but I don’t really understand it and I sure as hell don’t see why he thought it’d be relevant to me. Oof.

Fairbairn is a good guy! I just got a kindle book on someones recommendation that im not reading...

I stayed out with my friend for 9 hours today. We had fun and did a ton of catching up. I’m home now. I should probably visit with husband for a few minutes before I start my laundry.

H and I are going to see Trans-siberian orchestra tonight. I need something to take my mind off everything right now but still feel guilty and selfish.

Here is new cat working on her “sleeping angel” pose.

Awwww. Hi new cat. She looks peaceful.

At TSO, 5 rows from the front.

Dog hopes new cat continues to sleep well..and on that note...goodnight..

Happy pup. This is what we did today.

Lucky dog!

Give me strength. I didn’t sleep last night. A couple hours off and on. That’s it.

Ugh...Maybe there was something about last night, because both D and I had lots of trouble sleeping, too. Lots of coffee? I hope the 4-year-old isn't too trying today...

I plan to just inhale coffee today. Luckily today is my short day. I start at 8 and get done at 4:30. The 4 year olds evaluations got moved up to mid-December. I hope they get some answers that day. Do you have to wait for answers? Or do you get them the same day?

With the private evaluation, we got them the same day, right after the eval. I'm trying to remember what happened with the public one when she was younger, with Infants and Toddlers. With the school system, they called a meeting with us to discuss the results, so wasn't immediate. So I think it depends. Hopefully they'll get results either immediately quickly--at least they've been moved up from January.

I also couldn't sleep. zzzzzzzzzz's, where are you? Besides the four dogs snoring on the bed so I couldnt move my foot that fell asleep, I can't stop worrying if my T owes me money 2 or 3 thousand dollars that I badly need) and doesnt want to pay it back ( except in the form of credits toward future sessions) is a run of the mill insurance mistake as he exlains a or a character issue on his part. My insurance company adjusted about 30 claims that were wrong.

I alerted him to the problem months ago, but he didnt take me seriously and kept overcharging my card.

I need and I am so attached to my T, but I don't completely trust him. I saw a video on Linked In talking about how Seal Team Six was chosen: that high performers who also warranted high trust in their personal lives and characters were chosen, moderate performers with high trust were also highly valued, but the toxic leader is a high performer of low trust/ iffy character in personal life. For Seal Team Six , they didnt consider low performers of low trustworthiness. I worry my T is a high performer of low trust (toxic leader) but I hope,I hope, hope not because I have entrusted him with too much to take back.

It's hard to handle when hoped for alone time doesn't materialise. Really needed to rest after yesterday's cluster****, but I'm not going to get the chance until Thursday.

This is a massive red flag. Making a mistake with billing is one thing; continuing to make the mistake despite you alerting him to the mistake is disrespectful at best; refusing to pay you back sounds like theft.

You are describing a good example of sunk cost fallacy: Sunk cost fallacy | behavioraleconomics.com | The BE Hub Continuing to work with him does not sound like it is in your best interest. This is a really horrible situation.

SE, both of my therapists have said that they would cut me a check if I ended up overpaying them. (I usually hit my out-of-pocket max at some point in the year, so they may end up collecting more co-payments than necessary by the time the 100% payments from insurance start to come in.) And this would usually be on the scale of a hundred bucks or less. It seems very odd to me that your T won't do the same, especially if you need the money.

SE, I’d be blunt with him—either he refunds the money, in full, or you report him to his licensing board, the fraud office in your state (usually in the Attorney General’s office), and the insurance company for fraud.

You do not have to hang onto this man’s decision here. You have agency.