Couch 208: The Practical Couch

Thanks. I can only afford the lowest tier plan, so we'll see I guess.

The wine from wine tasting wore off. I also heard today for the 4th time over the past couple weeks that I seem like I’m depressed.

Yes. I’m probably fighting a little depression. There I acknowledged it. Now that I’ve acknowledged it it’s time to get over it and move the heck on.

Somebody asked about Artie the other day. She said i can pass along a hello, hugs and headnods from her to the couch and let everyone know she is doing well. )

Im glad she is ok . I always think i precipitate this things.

NP, I'm sorry things feel so difficult today. Many of us here understand how awful it can be to be in a rupturey space with your T. It especially stings when you have a solid T who can usually be counted on. Maybe you can do what you can to help yourself feel better, even if it's lying on your couch and watching obscure Netflix documentaries until the feelings are a little less overwhelming. It's okay to hurt and to be upset. You've been through a lot and it's hard when somebody who is usually reliable isn't there in the same way at the moment.

Wall of text warning. I needed to write this all down.

We've been doing these Sunday phone check-ins for a long time, probably a year now. They averaged probably 10 minutes, so not like a whole session. I know this is not a normal therapy thing. He was the one that offered it to begin with. There have been times where I didn't want to be a burden and didn't want to do it, but he would say it would make him feel better to do it, so that made me feel okay accepting. There have been many weeks when he would end our Thursday session with "I'll email you on Sunday" and I would break down crying because it felt so good to have someone show care for me. There have been weeks when he told me he couldn't do it and I was completely okay with it. I'm not a demanding monster.

We even talked about our arrangement several months back and changed it to something where he would email me day-of and tell me he wasn't up to a chat or I could tell him I wasn't up for a chat. And there was an adjustment period to that on my end because of the way he worded his email to ask me if I wanted to chat and because I have a hard time asking for what I want or need, it caused me a lot of anxiety.

But apparently he's been rethinking this arrangement for some time. I don't know how long. Shortly after his latest vacation, a few weekends ago, he told me that he wasn't sure he could do it but if he could he would email me. I told him don't worry about it, don't email me. I didn't mean that. I've been struggling since around the time of the anniversary of my father's death which coincided with his last vacation and there was a vacation phone check-in that felt wrong because he was obviously having a not-good day. I think that phone call left me feeling weird and a burden (again). When I told him not to worry about the email that weekend, I did not mean it at all. I felt like I needed that call that weekend. But we didn't have it and I survived, but I was feeling some stuff about not having it. I sent him an email after our next session because I got overwhelmed right at the end and he wanted to know why that tends to happen and what we could do to prevent it from happening. I sent him an email right after while I was sobbing in my car and told him that I was struggling with the connection because I'd felt forgotten over the weekend (because of the lack of a call). I knew as I was writing it that it was a risky thing to tell him. I really appreciate the calls and I didn't want him to think I thought I was entitled to them, but I did have some feelings about this particular weekend. No response to that email.

Next session he brings up stopping the weekend phone calls. I admit I did not handle this well at all. He says that this conversation has nothing to do with my email, that he had already been thinking about this and had consulted with someone and he feels that he's not helping me by doing them. It didn't feel like that. It felt like I sent him this stupid email where I expressed some feelings and now he's taking away this thing from me that means a lot to me. Part of me is like okay, we don't need to do the phone calls and another part is nooooo, don't take this tangible evidence of your care away from me. Then he started throwing all this other stuff out there like we can't do therapy forever, he might move or change careers, and oh, maybe we should think about going back to two sessions a week instead of three. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed at this point. It was a tough session.

Next day is session three. Conversation continues. At the end, I lost it completely and just started sobbing like I've never done in front of him before. I think I told him that I have no life and I'm scared I never will and please don't take everything away from me. I don't know how long I cried, but he ended up putting his hand on my arm and I calmed down slightly so I could leave session. He wanted to do the phone call because he was worried, so we arranged to do it last weekend. I was really struggling with all this therapy relationship stuff all weekend, but I didn't know what to say about it, so this Monday, we didn't touch on this topic at all.

I ended up writing some stuff down trying to get my feelings out in an organized manner and letting him read it on Wednesday. For the record, I had already told him that I was fine with stopping the phone calls. And I am fine with it, but that doesn't mean I don't have pretty strong feelings about it. Anyway, Wednesday he reads what I wrote, tells me he's glad I let him read it, and then proceeds to go into defensive mode telling me AGAIN all the reasons why he's decided we need to stop. I told him I wasn't trying to change his mind, but he wasn't hearing any of it. Some other related topics came up during this session and he just wasn't listening to what I was saying at all. I felt like he had already made up his mind what I thought and felt and it didn't matter if what I was telling him differed from what he was thinking. I got really triggered by this because these were ongoing themes in my marriage and probably childhood and I got really upset, sobbing again, and asked him why wasn't he listening to me. Then I got kind of angry about it. He told me we had to end soon and told me to take a few minutes. I told him I didn't want to take a damn minute and left in a bit of a huff. I sent him an email a few hours later, but still during working hours, that I was incredibly hurt that he wasn't hearing what I was saying. No response. Which just hurt and made me angry even more. I wasn't sure if I was going to show up the next day for our next session. I did end up going, but I was late. I was extremely anxious and still a bit angry as I went in and told him I wasn't sure if I was going to show up or not. He was very somber. He apologized for the previous session and told me that he had been feeling defensive and feeling like he was a bad therapist. He listened to me and said some things that made me feel like he understood where I was coming from. I softened up a bit but it was a very quiet session without a whole lot of talking. I left right on time and he didn't say to me "I'll email you on Sunday" which really hurt.

I went for a taco after session and then started to drive home. I became completely triggered and overwhelmed with feelings of abandonment while I was driving and started uncontrollably sobbing like I haven't in a while. I had to pull over for about an hour. I ended up emailing him (again, I know) telling him that I was triggered and feeling like he was abandoning me. He did respond but it didn't feel that great. He said he hadn't and was not going to abandon me and told me to take care this weekend and that he'd look forward to seeing me on Monday. It just felt so final. Like I was completely on my own. And I am. And that feeling really sucks.

Right now, I feel like pushing him away completely. Telling him I'm cutting down to twice a week even though he doesn't want to do that right now. Or telling him I don't want any contact with him while he's out of office for Thanksgiving week even that's not what I really want and that's probably not what he really wants either. I'm just really struggling with what to do with all these feelings I'm having.

I've managed to completely overwhelm myself into a state of panic tonight just thinking about things. I wish I could shut off my mind for awhile.

NP - It sounds like youre telling your t now what you THINK he wants to hear, instead of how you really feel, and he is not buying it.

Another thing that jumped out at me was, you say that his sunday call was the proof that someone cared about you. This kind of denigrates the whole rest of his being there for you. It reminds me of when i innocently told my t, "i loooove our city bus system, they are always there for me and get me here on time!" And he said, "and what am i, chopped liver?" Point being, my parents were never there for me and that was being repaired.

It also makes me think, sunday was the only part that you "commanded" - the rest was more freely negotiated, no? That probably needs to be talked about. A lot. With insight, not denial.

Imo, he bears fault in this; he should never have started it. But to refer you to ER seemed pretty cold under the circumstances. So i doubt there are grounds for malpractice, but idk.

Baby steps NP. You don't have to make a decision right away. I think trying to stabilize yourself is the key thing for now. It might not be the same thing but we're here too. (For me anyway the perks of being a procrastinator)

Can you just get into bed for a bit and journal/ watch rubbish on youtube?

What used to help me was that I would write messages to R and reply to them myself as he would have done. As well as marking and flagging old emails as unread so they would look like "new" ones in my inbox.

Hugs, NP. That would all really upset me, too, particularly his deciding on it without discussing it with you first. And his mention of thinking about reducing sessions, that he won't be there forever, etc. Because he mentioned getting consultation regarding the Sunday calls, I wonder if that's where his talk of reducing sessions came from as well?

It could also be that he's worried he's not being an effective therapist for you, that he's not helping you, so it could be more about him than you. Or that he's worried he's gotten too close to you (not in an inappropriate way). Or perhaps something is going on in his personal life that's coming out in your therapy--that could also explain some of the defensiveness, if he's acting differently than usual. I'm pretty sure my T was going through something personal over the summer when he had so many conflicts because he wasn't acting like himself and was quite harsh to me about a few things (I'm wondering if he's going through a separation or divorce, as he hasn't worn his wedding ring in months).

I hope you can talk about it more on Monday and that you can express your wants/needs, including about Thanksgiving week contact. I know it can be difficult to ask for what you need, as I struggle with that as well. Maybe if you type/write something out again and hand it to him?

I've heard you can't reason with pure panic. Splashing cold water on the face might help.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rough. He can always make it up to you after you get better- and now that he's had more time to think about it there's no excuse for him not doing something nice for you.

NP...I’m sorry this is a struggle for you. I think LT May have a point that’s he wondering if he’s still an effective therapist for you. It may not be a terrible thing if you reduce sessions per week with him and see someone else on another day to just get a different take on things. I do truly believe that therapist can only take a client so far. The therapist used to tell me that they are not in business to do the healing from trauma-they are in business to help people heal from their trauma. You’ve been through a lot, NP and you deserve all the help you can get. I think the therapist made some mistakes there. He needed to approach it differently. Hugs.

"It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane"

My last youtube watches :

How Blue bottle went from a coffee cart to a 700M company.
Sheku Kanneh-Mason = a new cellist I found.
Movie trailers for Dark water. (The Dupont scandal) and the burden with Forest whitaker.
Omeleto video= about loneliness in a connected world
The OA's violin piece
Best hot chocolate shops in London
Best bakeries in London
The rise and fall of wework.
How Oatly built a 100M oat milk empire
How Pumpkin Spice Became A $600 Million Flavor
Living on 60k a year in NYC series
Living on 70k a year in NYC.

I’m waiting for my friend to get here to go to breakfast and do some shopping.

I reached out to her last week and said “I need help”
She told me in the 20 years she’s known me never has she ever heard me outright ask for help. I haven’t seen this friend in a couple years but she one of those friends that when you meet up, you just pick up where you left off.

Friends like that are great--I have a few. It's good you were able to ask for help. Hope you have a good time with your friend!

NP—your therapist handled things pretty clunkily imo.

I do think LT and Jersey may be right he may no longer be effective for you. You guys seem to be in kind of a holding pattern, which is good in that it keeps you going, but it doesn’t seem to be moving you forward. I have the idea from earlier discussions of him he’s not actually a trauma specialist. Maybe find one who is to supplement your therapy with him?

NP, this sounds messy and complicated in ways that only the therapeutic relationship can manage to be. I think your T could have handled this a little more smoothly, and I don't think you did anything wrong. Even if one or both of you needed a change, it sounds like the way it was unrolled was really disruptive and upsetting. I want to chime in that I think even a few sessions with a different trauma therapist could be helpful. My EMDR T has been really, really helpful in discussing the relationship I have with my main T, and it has released me from some of the shame and defectiveness I felt when a similar issue reared its head in my therapy. Hang in there. The way you feel right now isn't forever.

Even just seeing another therapist to consult for a few sessions could be helpful. You could also look at it as wanting to find someone new and have them in place just in case your T suddenly says you have to reduce sessions now, so you'll have someone already determined to give you more support. Many on Psychology Today offer free 15-minute phone calls, so you could try checking a few out that way, or just try an initial session with one or two to see how it feels.

I don't think I realized how much I'd hit a dead end with ex-T until I started seeing Dr. T. And he seemed to have so many insights in early sessions--which is why I decided to keep seeing him instead of going back to ex-T. Dr. T has said that therapists only have so much in their bag of tricks, so it's common to have to switch to another one once you've sort of gone through all the tricks. I know it's hard to think of ever leaving this therapist, but you don't need to think of it as leaving, just trying out someone new. Like maybe see your regular T twice a week, then the new person once?

ETA: I also found consulting with another T, K, to be helpful a few times while working with Dr. T. She didn't seem like she'd be the right fit for me long-term, but she helped give me some validation when I really needed it and helped me in dealing with some of what happened with Dr. T at times. Even just seeing Dr. T's backup, R, a couple times when he was away gave me a new perspective on a couple things.

Agree with your post, but the bolded sentence particularly resonated with me. It's such a complicated relationship that can dredge up so many feelings. And it's not like with a friend where you can just be like, "Hey can we meet for coffee next week to talk this through?" Plus with a friend, you'd likely know if things were going on in their lives that could affect how they are acting toward you. And the balance of power is complicated as well in therapy, because you're paying the therapist, so in a way they're your employee, But then they make the rules.

NP - what an awful few sessions you've had with your T. I do think he could and should have handled things a lot more sensitively. It sounds like either he's thinking a different approach is needed in the work with you, or something is going on in his personal life which is making him feel overwhelmed, or both. Either way I feel he should have dealt with things a lot better than he did and been mindful of it's affect on you rather than becoming defensive. I'm so sorry you've been left feeling like this but its totally understandable!

Incidentally, NP, I think I get what you mean by the call being tangible proof of care. Lots of my emotional morass with No. 3 was that I’d just left an abusive relationship where the person who should have cared about me didn’t. And 3 offered very tangible proof of care. It ended up backfiring, of course, mostly her responsibility, some mine, some just the circumstances. But when you’re coming off an abusive relationship it’s like you need to know someone cares, and not someone you already know cares, like a family member or friend.

I can also see how the outside contact (Sunday calls) feels more like a proof of care vs. sessions, because you pay for those (I assume you don't pay for the calls?) Ex-MC's calls, texts, and emails with me felt like caring because he didn't charge me for them, plus the fact that he was willing to communicate with me individually. It made me feel special. With Dr. T, the fact that he charges for longer emails, that didn't feel as caring to me. But most of the time he doesn't charge me, and that feels more caring, especially since he always replies.

I bought a cat Advent calendar for new cat at Trader Joe’s. Also one for my mother’s cat, and a human Advent calendar for my mother.

Human Advent calendars are 99 cents. Cat and dog Advent calendars=$5.99. Trader Joe’s knows suckers when it sees them.

NP, your t is back pedaling clumsily and at a really bad time over something he initiated. And it doesn’t seem he’s taking (or even really recognizing) his responsibility in this, which is magnifying the clumsiness and making the whole thing ten times worse. I’m so sorry.