[Mindtraveller]

Hi, I'm new to the forum and forums in general so I'm a bit nervous about putting my thoughts and feelings out there for others to read but l've been lurking a while and have faith that if anywhere, here will be the place where someone might be able to understand the awful feelings I have been experiencing!

So I've been seeing current T for a few months now. T does not disclose any information about herself whatsoever or behave like a normal human being. For example, when T comes to collect me for appointments from the waiting area, she does not greet me at all, verbally or non-verbally. She simply opens the door from the corridor and shows her face which is my cue to get out of my chair and follow. When we get to the therapy room, she sits down and remains silent waiting for me to begin.

I'm not using the above as an excuse but it has definitely acted as a catalyst for me to Google T and as a result, I am extremely ashamed to admit, I have been struggling with feeling jealous of T , her family and her lifestyle. To break it down and go into specifics:

T - because of her accolade of academic qualifications and achievements in her career, she has a happy marriage and loving family

T's family - because they get more from her than I do, her children are extremely good looking and successful,

And finally T's lifestyle - she appears to have a very comfortable standard of living and travels a lot.

Basically, her life seems perfect.

First off, I want to point out that I don't feel bad about having obtained this information about T which she wouldn't have voluntarily given. IMO it is up to her to be aware of what info she has out there about herself online. However, what I DO feel bad about is feeling jealous of her happiness and success. I am also confused and frustrated as to WHY I feel jealous when most (if not all) of the things I'm jealous of are not things I thought I wanted or needed in my life. Finally, I hate the fact that I'm now using this as a way of torturing myself, comparing my life with T's and that of her family ie. "I will never feel as happy and satisfied as her, I will never be as successful as her (or her children)"

Talking to T about all of this is completely out of the question as I cannot risk being terminated ( I see T through my health service and would not be able to get allocated another T. I also can't afford private healthcare).

Just wondered if anyone can relate and help me work out this mess and what is going on!

Thanks in advance!

MT

[Omers]

Welcome to PC.
My T shares quite a lot with me in part because it is consistent with the type of therapy he does but also because we have discovered that it really helps my work with him. I have had some more “blank slate” type T’s but did not work as well with them. I DO have lots of experience with my good friend Google though!
If you Google T3 you will find her FB page, tons of professional accolades, very positive reviews, a nice home, fairly well off lifestyle with lots of travel, she is athletic and drop dead beautiful and has a very attractive daughter... lots to be jealous of... or so it would seem. We need to remember Google searches are one sided, they are not the whole picture. Sources more complete than Google let me know that she went through a super ugly divorce. I remember seeing her with her daughter and how insanely cold she could be to her when she was a child. I know she is very afraid in the neighborhood her office is in. I know she has a nice house (with a huge mortgage) but drives a crappy, unreliable beater van because she wants the house and travel. Yes, I was jealous of her daughter for a bit until I saw them together... then I was appalled. I was jealous of her house (before the divorce) until I looked up the mortgage and the taxes on it and thought of all the other things she could do with that money.
Also, if it is on the internet my experience is that, at least if they are smart, they know a certain percentage of their clients will find it.
My current T has virtually no web presence other than his professional page. I had to cross over into heavier stalking to find out about him... but now he has told me more than what I thought was the google jackpot. Even worse he will answer just about anything I ask him. Today instead of sharing what a lovely holiday he had with his kids and grand kids I heard how his daughters dog puked at Christmas! I get that “full picture” kind of experience. Yeh, it looks all perfect on the outside but they are human, they have quirks, they have dogs puking in the middle of Christmas dinner on white carpet... who has white carpet!?!?!?

[nottrustin]

Welcome to PC.

I think what you are going through is extremely common. For the most part we only see or hear the good stuff. Both my Ts have had very little online presence. They do tell me things though.

My previous therapist was a front about even the hardships in her life (when appropriate over 10 years).

Current T though seems to have the perfect life...lots of traveling, private practice that is always close to full, house near the ocean, physically very fit, along with other things.. What I have to remind myself is she suffers from anxiety as well. She was in her late 30's before getting married. She didnt intend to wIt so long but had her heart broken multiple times, had her child later in life and has less energy than I'd she were younger. etc. She seems to have some envy that I was married in my early 20's and have been married for 25 years. I have a adult children while she has a toddler and is only 5 years younger than me.

[velcro003]

What Omers said is pretty much what I was thinking, too. Google may show you a shiny life, but that doesn't mean it is happy.

My therapist has a difficult life but does have a loving family and that makes me jealous.
Btw, your therapist APPEARS, ONLINE,to have a perfect life. so do i, online, but thats far from the truth. people have said they are jealous of me because they online know the online/ public me. I never say anything. But my online life is not my real life because of what the public and people in the family want to see.
so dont be jealous of your t if you can. she may not have the life you think.

[stopdog]

It isn't wrong to look stuff up on the internet that is openly available to look at. It might not (as is being reported) something that makes the looker happy, but it is not legally or morally wrong to do so. Taking a judgmental unkind tone towards such commonplace activity is rarely useful in my opinion.
It is not stalking. Seriously - it just isn't. Look up the statute in your state (if in the US).
I was never envious of the woman I hired. I do not believe her life was better than mine and I have never known a therapist who was not screwed up in a lot of ways no matter the veneer. Many ( I believe most) of them become therapists because of how screwed up they were (bad childhoods, hate their parents etc) and the ones I have known personally (I have several in my wider circle of friends) have rotten screwed up children, have drug and alcohol issues in themselves or their families, are on their second or third marriages, and so on. They are not super humans.
Facebook in general seems to cause a lot of problems (I am not on it - just what I have observed) with people trying to appear different (better) than they are - projecting a false image.
I don't think it is uncommon (from reading what clients write) for a client to think the therapist leads a better life - whether one looks them up or bases it on other fantasy ideas.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Your T's style sounds completely different to mine but I share many of the same feelings. However. like Stopdog says above, looking for info on your T on the internet isn't stalking. It's not as if you're tracking her movements or hacking into her text or emails, you're just trying to find info which is freely available online and which she has some control over. That isn't an issue in my book but I do understand the feelings about it.

Your T sounds at the extreme end of 'blank slate' to the point she behaves more like a robot than a person in the room with you. You don't have to be okay with this approach if it doesn't suit your needs. Humanistic therapists tend to be themselves more in the room due to their belief in being genuine with the client, but it very much depends on the individual therapist above all.

As for feeling jealous of T's family, yes I feel like this a lot. I see a private T at her house and so her personal life is more obvious to me than when I was seeing a T at an agency. In some ways I like this better but this may be because of how my T is - she's very flexible, open, genuine and warm. I do see her in a separate room to her family life but I have seen family members on occasions and I see her home environment. This brings up painful feelings of jealousy and longing to be part of her life in that way. What helps me is trying to be open with T about these feelings. I tell her that I wish I could have more with her, that I wish I could live with her 24/7 and be part of her life. She is always understanding and empathetic. Somehow being able to voice these feelings helps them to settle a little more inside so they don't overwhelm me so much. I think it's because she always accepts them (and therefore me) without being shocked or getting defensive, or making me feel shamed for having these feelings. She doesn't tell me I have to move on from them or see things differently, She just accepts me where I am. This has helped me to let go, little by little, of the intense needs.

Unfortunately, given your description of your T, it seems she might not respond as warmly as my T but this doesn't mean you can't express these feelings to her and see how she reacts. I understand there are limits with who you can see so the fear is going to be strong around doing this but if she's a good T she will understand how you feel, and if she isn't she isn't going to be much help anyway. I really hope you can work with her.

[Mindtraveller]

Thank you everyone for your replies. You make some very good points.

It is easy to forget that what we see online does not give a full picture of the reality of someone's life once we are caught up in these feelings, so thank you for reminding me of that fact.

With me, I think it's not only envy but feeling excluded from T's life...(I've just realised, it's not T's life that I want to be a part of really; it's the things she has that I feel excluded from - happiness, love, success etc.)

I too have had a few acquaintances who I was shocked to find out were part time Ts as well as doing their regular jobs. The reasons I was shocked to discover this about them varied but the common theme was that all caused conflict in the workplace, upset others with judgemental attitudes and afterwards were completely unaware of how their behaviour affected their colleagues so I can believe that Ts are not perfect but once again, this escapes my mind when I'm caught up in the thoughts and feelings I describe.

For some reason, it's as though I WANT to maintain this idea of T's life being perfect. It's like I want to torture myself over it, even though I hate the feeling. I think I need to stop googling but for my own sake, not for T. I disagree that googling a T is stalking. Driving deliberately past their house or following them home from their office would be stalking but reading information they have chosen to put online and which they know anyone can have access to is not stalking or "wrong" in my opinion.

[Mindtraveller]

Back again still struggling. I just hate this feeling! :-(

I don't feel as bad as I did about feeling jealous of T now that I can see I'm not the only one to experience this.

I'm just really struggling with the jealousy itself. Even though I understand that T's life may not actually be as perfect as it seems, this does nothing to lessen the jealousy I feel and the belief that my life will never be "good enough" for me to feel satisfied with it.

I'm ashamed to say I've noticed recently that I experience jealousy of other people's lives too, not just T's, so it is something I struggle with. However I think that it is magnified in the therapy relationship because unlike the relationships I have with people outside of therapy, I don't see or hear about any of the bad stuff, plus T also happens to be one of the most successful people I interact with on a regular basis in terms of wealth and career.

Any ideas as to how I can lessen these feelings of jealousy towards T ( and others for that matter ) would be much appreciated.

As I have previously said, bringing up the issue with T directly isn't a feasible option as I can't risk being terminated if she takes it badly knowing I googled her, which she probably would as she's very cold and distant as a T.

I look forward to your feedback. Thanks!

[just2b]

Try asking yourself why do i feel jealous? And when you found out why, ask yourself ask yourself again why? What is your own definition of being successful?

So far i am learning to start questioning why i feel certain ways, and to keep asking myself why and how. It stems from somewhere.

[Mindtraveller]

Originally Posted by just2b

Try asking yourself why do i feel jealous? And when you found out why, ask yourself ask yourself again why? What is your own definition of being successful?

So far i am learning to start questioning why i feel certain ways, and to keep asking myself why and how. It stems from somewhere.

Thank you Just2be. I have already started doing what you advise.

From what I can understand, the main reason I feel jealous is that due to my personal circumstances, I don't even have the opportunity to achieve some of the things T has that I'm jealous of, even though if I tried them, I might decide I don't want them anyway.

For example, I don't have the financial means to travel and I'm unable to due to my anxiety disorder which would just make the whole experience unpleasant anyway. I would probably end up having a panic attack and want to return straight home. However, for all I know, if I WAS able to travel because I could afford to and I didn't experience crippling anxiety, I might discover it wasn't for me anyway and therefore would no longer be jealous.

I think as well it has to do with what other people think. In my experience, people are always drawn to other people that are doing interesting and exciting things - like travelling! - whereas I am just boring and nobody wants to hear what I have to say and to be honest, I actually don't have much to say anyway so I guess I'm also jealous of the fact that the things I see that T has are things which other people are interested in and drawn to whereas I am a recluse and an outcast.

I know the way forward is to care less what other people think. If I'm boring, I'm boring and that's ok but it's the isolation that comes with it that I find hard to deal with.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading if you get this far. I'm just finding it really helpful to get this c**p out of my head and into words.

It sounds like you've already identified at least some of the source of your feelings. You said you feel excluded-from happiness, love, success and feel like an outcast. And you've identified it as envy, which most always points to feeling badly about yourself.

It might help to talk with her in ways that can minimize your fears of termination-you could bring this up without mentioning google. You could first ask her what type of things can be helpful for clients to talk about in sessions. Or you could tell her you have these feelings (fantasies) about what her personal life can be and it makes you feel envious. You could tell her you picture her happy with family, travel etc. and how it makes you feel. Or you could reference other people in your life that trigger such feelings-or just random people on facebook. So there are ways to work through the feelings that don't brush up against your fears as much as you are anticipating.

I've had trouble with these feelings too, feeling envious of my therapist's life. It was because my childhood feelings came out in the therapy-feelings that I was disconnected from-and I grew up feeling deprived. Technically, I was very deprived but disavowed all related feelings. It was difficult to overcome but it also made me realize (in time) that I am the only one who can create my own happiness and to do so, I have to take actions to get there. And it's hard. First I had to not beat myself up over having envious feelings. It's nothing that you yourself could have caused. And accept the feelings and all the badness inside.

Shoving the feelings aside at this point usually doesn't make them go away. If it is eating away at you, maybe she can help you with understanding and eventually getting past them.

Be good to yourself.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

If you have identified that it's isolation you feel that's at the root cause of the jealousy, can you find ways or set goals to lessen it? Can you and t work on the anxiety so you feel in a better place to connect with others, maybe join a local group or start a course, even an online course? If you're unsatisfied with your life, the answer is to try and do things YOU find interesting to yourself, then it matters less what others do and think. Maybe find a subject you would love to learn more about and study it. Or start a blog on living with anxiety to help others. There are things you can do.

I second the idea to talk to t about your jealousy if it's a big problem. You don't even need to mention it's about her, just say you're jealous of others and want to work on it. A t should be there to help you so it makes me sad that you feel afraid to tell her things. I hope she will listen and be compassionate.

[Mindtraveller]

Originally Posted by vifemina

It sounds like you've already identified at least some of the source of your feelings. You said you feel excluded-from happiness, love, success and feel like an outcast. And you've identified it as envy, which most always points to feeling badly about yourself.

It might help to talk with her in ways that can minimize your fears of termination-you could bring this up without mentioning google. You could first ask her what type of things can be helpful for clients to talk about in sessions. Or you could tell her you have these feelings (fantasies) about what her personal life can be and it makes you feel envious. You could tell her you picture her happy with family, travel etc. and how it makes you feel. Or you could reference other people in your life that trigger such feelings-or just random people on facebook. So there are ways to work through the feelings that don't brush up against your fears as much as you are anticipating.

I've had trouble with these feelings too, feeling envious of my therapist's life. It was because my childhood feelings came out in the therapy-feelings that I was disconnected from-and I grew up feeling deprived. Technically, I was very deprived but disavowed all related feelings. It was difficult to overcome but it also made me realize (in time) that I am the only one who can create my own happiness and to do so, I have to take actions to get there. And it's hard. First I had to not beat myself up over having envious feelings. It's nothing that you yourself could have caused. And accept the feelings and all the badness inside.

Shoving the feelings aside at this point usually doesn't make them go away. If it is eating away at you, maybe she can help you with understanding and eventually getting past them.

Be good to yourself.

Thanks for your response. You're right, I could definitely bring up this issue with the therapist indirectly.

[Mindtraveller]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

If you have identified that it's isolation you feel that's at the root cause of the jealousy, can you find ways or set goals to lessen it? Can you and t work on the anxiety so you feel in a better place to connect with others, maybe join a local group or start a course, even an online course? If you're unsatisfied with your life, the answer is to try and do things YOU find interesting to yourself, then it matters less what others do and think. Maybe find a subject you would love to learn more about and study it. Or start a blog on living with anxiety to help others. There are things you can do.

I second the idea to talk to t about your jealousy if it's a big problem. You don't even need to mention it's about her, just say you're jealous of others and want to work on it. A t should be there to help you so it makes me sad that you feel afraid to tell her things. I hope she will listen and be compassionate.

Thank you for your advice. These are some good ideas and I have done some of them in recent years (courses, joined peer support groups) but part of the reason I'm in therapy is because I struggle to connect with others, I don't know what I enjoy and I don't know what I want out of life so struggle to set goals. I also feel useless at everything and that I don't have anything to offer anybody or society in general. :-(

I will definitely talk to T about my jealousy but won't risk bringing her into it.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by Mindtraveller

Thank you for your advice. These are some good ideas and I have done some of them in recent years (courses, joined peer support groups) but part of the reason I'm in therapy is because I struggle to connect with others, I don't know what I enjoy and I don't know what I want out of life so struggle to set goals. I also feel useless at everything and that I don't have anything to offer anybody or society in general. :-(

I will definitely talk to T about my jealousy but won't risk bringing her into it.

To this I just wanted to add that I struggle with many of the same feelings. I've actually started an in person college course after many years of isolation and it's been triggering so much fear around being inadequate and having nothing to offer anyone. Fortunately this is something me and my T can actively work on together and she believes in my ability to offer something to people even though I can't believe it myself. This is what I hope for you...a T who understands your struggles and can proactively help you with them. I know that without my T, I couldn't do this course. Maybe if you can trust your T with some of your struggles, this can be a way forward in doing some of the stuff you feel scared about, including connecting with others. If she sees and points out your positive qualities and attributes, this can also be a way for you to learn what you might like to do with them in the future. A T's role CAN in many cases be a way to help you connect. I hope that she can be that for you, even in her distant approach. If not, I hope there may be a way to find a T who does offer that.

[Mindtraveller]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

To this I just wanted to add that I struggle with many of the same feelings. I've actually started an in person college course after many years of isolation and it's been triggering so much fear around being inadequate and having nothing to offer anyone. Fortunately this is something me and my T can actively work on together and she believes in my ability to offer something to people even though I can't believe it myself. This is what I hope for you...a T who understands your struggles and can proactively help you with them. I know that without my T, I couldn't do this course. Maybe if you can trust your T with some of your struggles, this can be a way forward in doing some of the stuff you feel scared about, including connecting with others. If she sees and points out your positive qualities and attributes, this can also be a way for you to learn what you might like to do with them in the future. A T's role CAN in many cases be a way to help you connect. I hope that she can be that for you, even in her distant approach. If not, I hope there may be a way to find a T who does offer that.

Thanks. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only person experiencing these things but at the same time, I feel sorry to hear that you share some of the feelings I describe.

Unfortunately I don't see my therapist as the kind of T to point out any positive qualities that I might have. It just doesn't seem her style. It would be "giving too much away". Time will tell I suppose. If anything, T makes me want to disconnect because I find it so intimidating sitting in her presence expecting me to spill my guts while she just sits and stares and often raises an eyebrow. I've never had a T like this before but I've never done this type of therapy (psychodynamic/psychoanalytic) before. However, it's what I've been referred to so I have to play ball.

[SarahSweden]

Very interesting post. I can very much relate to what you describe and I have been feeling this especially with one therapist. I idealised her and I saw her both a bit like a mother figure and I was sometimes attracted to her.

The idealisation, to imagine or believe that the therapist "has it all" brings jealousy and it´s inevitable to compare yourself to your therapist. In some way you want to be like your therapist to perhaps be more liked by her and with idealisation comes the idea that you want to be more close to your therapist.

I´ve also experienced that kind of "blank slate" therapists you describe and they use it to foster transference within the client. Personally I see that as manipulation and I don´t like "blank slate" therapists. I think you have in a way "out-smarted" your therapist by googling her and in a way you have "challenged the transference" as you know much more about her than she probably want you to.

But as I see fostering transference as manipulation I see it as a positive thing that you found out things about your therapist. At the same time I understand it´s hard knowing those things about her as it makes you jealous and it´s also hard to keep it a secret if you don´t want to tell your therapist you that you googled her.

I would say that even if it´s very hard to tell your therapist you googled her you did nothing wrong actually, you were curious and you acted out of her not telling anything about herself. By that you could try telling her, perhaps writing something down and hand it to her. A good therapist should be able to handle a situation like this, she knows information about her is available online and by that she has probably had clients that looked her up before you did.

Meeting with her knowing that you keep this secret from her will keep you from fully benefiting from therapy. It´s her responsibility to help you, you should never keep things from her for fear of being terminated or her acting negatively towards you.

Originally Posted by Mindtraveller

Hi, I'm new to the forum and forums in general so I'm a bit nervous about putting my thoughts and feelings out there for others to read but l've been lurking a while and have faith that if anywhere, here will be the place where someone might be able to understand the awful feelings I have been experiencing!

So I've been seeing current T for a few months now. T does not disclose any information about herself whatsoever or behave like a normal human being. For example, when T comes to collect me for appointments from the waiting area, she does not greet me at all, verbally or non-verbally. She simply opens the door from the corridor and shows her face which is my cue to get out of my chair and follow. When we get to the therapy room, she sits down and remains silent waiting for me to begin.

I'm not using the above as an excuse but it has definitely acted as a catalyst for me to Google T and as a result, I am extremely ashamed to admit, I have been struggling with feeling jealous of T , her family and her lifestyle. To break it down and go into specifics:

T - because of her accolade of academic qualifications and achievements in her career, she has a happy marriage and loving family

T's family - because they get more from her than I do, her children are extremely good looking and successful,

And finally T's lifestyle - she appears to have a very comfortable standard of living and travels a lot.

Basically, her life seems perfect.

First off, I want to point out that I don't feel bad about having obtained this information about T which she wouldn't have voluntarily given. IMO it is up to her to be aware of what info she has out there about herself online. However, what I DO feel bad about is feeling jealous of her happiness and success. I am also confused and frustrated as to WHY I feel jealous when most (if not all) of the things I'm jealous of are not things I thought I wanted or needed in my life. Finally, I hate the fact that I'm now using this as a way of torturing myself, comparing my life with T's and that of her family ie. "I will never feel as happy and satisfied as her, I will never be as successful as her (or her children)"

Talking to T about all of this is completely out of the question as I cannot risk being terminated ( I see T through my health service and would not be able to get allocated another T. I also can't afford private healthcare).

Just wondered if anyone can relate and help me work out this mess and what is going on!

Thanks in advance!

MT

Originally Posted by Mindtraveller

Thanks for your response. You're right, I could definitely bring up this issue with the therapist indirectly.

Reiterating that I mentioned asking her what are helpful or useful topics to discuss as she may want to hear about this and depending on her orientation, consider it part of the therapy. If you feel to unsafe to discuss the googling and feelings of envy now, but she practices in a way where it would be safe to discuss this, maybe you could ease into talking about such things by first bringing up the feelings; later you could progress to being 100% honest with her.

I discussed googling my therapist and all my feelings with him as part of our therapy since that was the way he practiced. I found it very helpful and he was not reactive about it.

Just FYI

[Mindtraveller]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Very interesting post. I can very much relate to what you describe and I have been feeling this especially with one therapist. I idealised her and I saw her both a bit like a mother figure and I was sometimes attracted to her.

The idealisation, to imagine or believe that the therapist "has it all" brings jealousy and it´s inevitable to compare yourself to your therapist. In some way you want to be like your therapist to perhaps be more liked by her and with idealisation comes the idea that you want to be more close to your therapist.

I´ve also experienced that kind of "blank slate" therapists you describe and they use it to foster transference within the client. Personally I see that as manipulation and I don´t like "blank slate" therapists. I think you have in a way "out-smarted" your therapist by googling her and in a way you have "challenged the transference" as you know much more about her than she probably want you to.

But as I see fostering transference as manipulation I see it as a positive thing that you found out things about your therapist. At the same time I understand it´s hard knowing those things about her as it makes you jealous and it´s also hard to keep it a secret if you don´t want to tell your therapist you that you googled her.

I would say that even if it´s very hard to tell your therapist you googled her you did nothing wrong actually, you were curious and you acted out of her not telling anything about herself. By that you could try telling her, perhaps writing something down and hand it to her. A good therapist should be able to handle a situation like this, she knows information about her is available online and by that she has probably had clients that looked her up before you did.

Meeting with her knowing that you keep this secret from her will keep you from fully benefiting from therapy. It´s her responsibility to help you, you should never keep things from her for fear of being terminated or her acting negatively towards you.

Thanks for your reply.

It's interesting that you mention about idealising your T in relation to this topic as I think I have a tendency to the same.

I'm not attracted to current T, although I do notice if she looks particularly attractive ( perhaps this is more of the jealousy aspect? ). I also don't see her as a mother figure, even though I'm jealous of her children. I don't want her to fulfill that role. This surprises me as I was extremely attached to other Ts in the past. I idealised them and saw them as mother figures while being attracted to them at the same time. It really messed with my head.

I really don't understand transference. In my experience of therapy, Ts never want to address it, despite them being at least partly responsible for creating it. It also has only ever caused me to feel the pain of longing for something I can never have, ashamed of my feelings towards T and then anger at them having manipulated me.

I understand your point about not being able to fully benefit from therapy by keeping secrets from T, however, I feel very uneasy about telling her as I don't think she will handle it well. Underneath the "blank slate" exterior, I sometimes get a glimpse of what I perceive as T having lost her footing a bit in session. It's like she knows what to say and how to behave for most things in line with her training, but then I present her with something new and unfamiliar and I think I see her floundering a bit, as though she's got slightly out of her depth. Maybe this is just my perception though...who knows?

[Mindtraveller]

Originally Posted by vifemina

Reiterating that I mentioned asking her what are helpful or useful topics to discuss as she may want to hear about this and depending on her orientation, consider it part of the therapy. If you feel to unsafe to discuss the googling and feelings of envy now, but she practices in a way where it would be safe to discuss this, maybe you could ease into talking about such things by first bringing up the feelings; later you could progress to being 100% honest with her.

I discussed googling my therapist and all my feelings with him as part of our therapy since that was the way he practiced. I found it very helpful and he was not reactive about it.

Just FYI

Thanks. I will take this on board, though I can imagine that if I asked T what topics would be useful to discuss, she would say that's up to me as it's my space.

I could always give it a try and see what she says.

I also don't feel able to be 100% honest with her. I have been 100% honest with Ts in the past and have wound up feeling annoyed that I gave up so much info to them all in the name of therapy whereas nowadays I question the relevance first, what I hope to gain from it and what I think I can realistically expect. I suppose I've become rather cynical.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I once saw a t who came from a psychodynamic stance but she was very warm and attachment focused...I think it mostly depends on the personality of the t. Yours seems very uncomfortable with giving anything away and I would seriously struggle with that. I don't know how any therapist could realistically expect a client to open up in that kind of environment. But I really admire that you're trying to do the best you can with what you've been offered. I really hope she proves more useful than she sounds.

[*Beth*]

During my most recent session I was crying about a beloved cat I had who died. My T listened and was compassionate. I told her that part of the reason (a big part) I fear that my pets will become ill is because I don't have the money to care for them the way I might need to. It terrifies me. My T commented that she has to take her cat in soon for a teeth cleaning. I just looked at her...like, did you not hear me? That I do not have enough money to do routine pet care? And you're telling me that what I was pouring out reminded you that you need to pay for routine pet care?

YES. I felt envious, I felt annoyed, I felt that it's all unfair.

In my opinion, one problem with psychotherapy is that the client is often not on the social scale the therapist is on. It creates a very weird imbalance. To a degree, I think many Ts like the feeling of being "superior" - even though they might deny it.

[Mindtraveller]

Originally Posted by BethRags

During my most recent session I was crying about a beloved cat I had who died. My T listened and was compassionate. I told her that part of the reason (a big part) I fear that my pets will become ill is because I don't have the money to care for them the way I might need to. It terrifies me. My T commented that she has to take her cat in soon for a teeth cleaning. I just looked at her...like, did you not hear me? That I do not have enough money to do routine pet care? And you're telling me that what I was pouring out reminded you that you need to pay for routine pet care?

YES. I felt envious, I felt annoyed, I felt that it's all unfair.

In my opinion, one problem with psychotherapy is that the client is often not on the social scale the therapist is on. It creates a very weird imbalance. To a degree, I think many Ts like the feeling of being "superior" - even though they might deny it.

I'm sorry you lost your cat. Pets can be the best of companions.

How insensitive of the T to mention about her cat's teeth cleaning in the context of what you were talking about.

I agree about the difference in social scale between client and therapist and the subsequent imbalance. There is a power imbalance in the relationship as it is because of it being one sided and this just makes it even worse.

I often worry that my T only does the job because it pays well and makes her feel superior. She certainly doesn't seem to enjoy it as her demeanor suggests to me that she can't even be bothered to do my sessions. I would say maybe she dislikes me as a client but she's been this way from day one.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Perhaps you could mention the subject of transference in a more general way? Bringing it up in conjunction to some article or similar. It´s a bit like "jumping into the deep end of a pool" as you won´t see her reaction until you have mentioned something about it.

For how long has she practised as a therapist? Even if she doesn´raise the issue of transference she probably has already met with clients who have had feelings of some kind towards her.

Originally Posted by Mindtraveller

Thanks for your reply.

It's interesting that you mention about idealising your T in relation to this topic as I think I have a tendency to the same.

I'm not attracted to current T, although I do notice if she looks particularly attractive ( perhaps this is more of the jealousy aspect? ). I also don't see her as a mother figure, even though I'm jealous of her children. I don't want her to fulfill that role. This surprises me as I was extremely attached to other Ts in the past. I idealised them and saw them as mother figures while being attracted to them at the same time. It really messed with my head.

I really don't understand transference. In my experience of therapy, Ts never want to address it, despite them being at least partly responsible for creating it. It also has only ever caused me to feel the pain of longing for something I can never have, ashamed of my feelings towards T and then anger at them having manipulated me.

I understand your point about not being able to fully benefit from therapy by keeping secrets from T, however, I feel very uneasy about telling her as I don't think she will handle it well. Underneath the "blank slate" exterior, I sometimes get a glimpse of what I perceive as T having lost her footing a bit in session. It's like she knows what to say and how to behave for most things in line with her training, but then I present her with something new and unfamiliar and I think I see her floundering a bit, as though she's got slightly out of her depth. Maybe this is just my perception though...who knows?