Couch 213: The Tulip couch

Your feelings are completely valid. This is hard, and it's okay to acknowledge how hard it is. You had periods of struggling before because of what you have been through, so of course adding extra stress and isolation makes you feel worse.

I bet your therapist is glad to be able to support you. It seems like helper types takes solace in being able to do their jobs right now, rather than just feel totally powerless in what is a somewhat scary world.

I hope you are able to take care of yourself and give yourself space to feel however you are feeling about this. You don't have to be in the worst imaginable situation in order to be justified in feeling upset and overwhelmed.

NP like the others have said I'm glad you have T in your corner.

I saw on reddit one T refer to all of this as collective trauma. It is a crazy time indeed. There is no set way for you to reacting other than what you're doing now.

Pain at the end of the day will always be pain.

I was supposed to do an exam today but they released a last minute extra date for tuesday, which i signed up for.

T has been doing this thing where I'm supposed to call him before a session. I called him yesterday he missed the call, but immediately called me back within maybe 2 mins.

I went loopy and burst into tears. Told him that I was quitting therapy anyway and didn't care and was going to see another T.
I chose to hang up. Then called him back 7 mins later.
He went on about how maybe I wasn't trying hard enough- looking for distractions by making small talk.That maybe I felt humiliated by him.
That I wish I didn't react like this.
He tried to get me to see what I was feeling.
Overall I don't think it was a good session, but he didn't let me leave until trying to calm me down by making fun of his own hair and asking if I was okay.

I messaged asking for a extra session then said never mind.

The truth is I'm lower than I've been by far. If I get through till tomorrow - 2 years no

I love that attitude and can picture you dancing along.

Rescheduled session during hell week in a pandemic ****ing sucks.

Yesterday might have been the craziest day at the hospital I've ever experienced. Walked in, got signout, night team left, patient coded. She died. Intubated two patients before noon. We're all running around in bunny suits sweating buckets; I still have the marks of yesterday's N95 on my face (though yes I am grateful that I have proper PPE).

I don't know if I can handle this.

I don't know many who are feeling very graceful about this. Most people I talk to are like me, on an emotional roller coaster - some moments feeling okay and giving ourselves pep talks; the next moment full on anxiety about health or finances or just trying to do our jobs from home; the next moment a blubbering, crying mess. I honestly haven't spoken to anyone who isn't riding that roller coaster. I'm sure they may exist, but not in my circle (and I have a pretty big circle). And I guess the one thing keeping this all in perspective overall is the knowledge that everyone out there is experiencing this stressor at the same time. This is one of the only circumstance I can think of where we really are all going through pretty much the same thing. The details may be different, but the overall experience is weirdly universal.

You're already handling it.

Earlier this week I started freaking out a little thinking about what if they decide to release prisoners early and he shows up here angry and assaults me. I know this seems far-fetched and I had mostly managed to stop my brain from going there. Today there's an article in the paper about the governor considering releasing prisoners early. He would fall into one of the categories that's considered for release since his sentence is over in October anyway. Now I'm back to freaking out. My plan was to install a camera and to spend some time in therapy getting used to the idea that he was going to be out soon. Ugh. I'm probably being ridiculous. He probably doesn't want to get revenge on me for sending him to prison.

I walk the dogs/I am learning new things (how to teach on zoom, how to draw, how to get my bonkers dog to stop barking -so far he is teaching me to give him a treat and then goes and barks and comes back for a treat - so that isn't going as well as I would like) and so on. I stopped watching the news or reading anything about the politicians because I find that pointlessly stressful.

My sister thinks she's having contractions. My niece could be coming any day now. I might have to miss tomorrow's session I'm going to be watching my other two nieces when she goes to the hospital. It's going to be a lot for me to watch them until she gets back home.

Hire a security service (they must still be doing business). Cameras, alarms, they drive by and check--whatever it takes to feel safer.

The grocery store had everything I wanted (including flour and eggs!) except hotdog buns. Maybe we weren't the only people in the mood for a spring cookout. We got the hotdogs, though, which is the key ingredient.

Session rescheduled to tomorrow. Feeling pulled in many different directions at once.

Do you have taco shells? The other night we were having taco, but D wanted hot dogs. So he made her a...taco dog (dog taco?). H tried a bite, it wasn't very good (they were regular hot dogs, not vegetarian, so I didn't try it!)

Haha I am skeptical... Hard shell or soft? I do think we have some taco size tortillas. I'm guessing we'll either do bread or bunless. And cut into eight billion pieces for any toddlers who happen to be dining with us...

If you have flour, eggs and yeast - you can bake some buns.
Just one of many:
Chef John's Hot Dog Buns Recipe - Allrecipes.com

or if you don't have yeast - you can make biscuits or fry bread:
Fry Bread Recipe | Taste of Home

or you can make savory waffles and put the hot dog on them

Chef John is a source of comfort to me - thanks, SD.

Ooh, good idea! We usually have yeast on hand for homemade pizza anyway.

Love Chef John! Altho i like to watch Simply Sara too. She makes me feel like Im Lowfat-lowcarb Luna!

Thanks, una...that's a new one on me. Checking it out now.

His videos always look interesting, but why does he talk like that? I never watch him because the weird sing-songy vocal style is so distracting. Maybe he'd grow on me if I tried another video. I'm totally into the Bon Appetit youtube channel. The crew there almost feel like family.

The 'sing-songy' voice style is part of the appeal. I've only watched one Bon Appetit video, and that was very different.

I didn't watch a video - I just looked at the recipe

People either love it or hate it or both at the same time! Im like, i WISH i could eat that much cheese and mayo! But my gut could never handle it. So WHYYYYYY does my gut look like hers???? She does like her spinach tho. Its definitely food porn for me. Just shocking!!