Couch 213: The Tulip couch

It's make your own buns day on The Couch!

I'm so glad Easter is done. H bought me over 2 bouquets of lilies and I tossed them on my bed I was so irritated. And he ordered the kids and I dinner since I'm an awful cook and it's Easter. I should feel grateful that he did that but I'm still angry at him. My older kids said it was the best Easter ever so I guess I should just try to relax and let things be tonight.

thank you so much for asking. just generally losing my **** like the rest of the world, i suppose. h is doing okay, hasn't gotten worse so that's good. don't know about L. which is most of the losing my **** - the not knowing.

I have been thinking about what I will most enjoy doing again when this is over.

Swimming, going to my favorite breakfast/brunch place, going for a long walk in the morning and stopping on the way home at a coffee shop to rest and read.

For me, I think it's a tie between going to a bar/restaurant/taproom and actually having time to myself in the house during the day.

Hugs, Art. Have you tried reaching out to L recently? I know you're worried, but if it turns out she's doing better, then that might help ease your mind.

Swimming is probably at the top of my list and goes along with being alone with my thoughts. I'm also looking forward to daycare and the occasional babysitter so I can be alone with my spouse again. Browsing aimlessly in Aldi and the public library are up there too.

I mean, in theory, I'd also like to have a date night with H (where we actually go out), but I'm sort of mad at him right now due to some stuff that happened regarding D yesterday. So at this very moment, that's lower priority.

Oh, and of course, going to a Dr. T session in person is near the top of the list.

ETA: And having some sort of actual party for my D's birthday, which is in a week.

I am looking forward to being able to walk my dog in the daylight without half my city being in the park that is two blocks from my house. I am walking them at dark right now just to avoid all the children.

Reminds me of this
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A little late to the hotdog party but I like mine with ketchup and relish. Yum.

I am missing going to Church. I can listen to the live stream which is what I have been doing, but what I am missing is all the hugs I get at Church. I miss those. And I think it is good for the depression part of my schizoaffective disorder.

Thanks LT but no not yet. Her last update over a week ago sounded to me like I shouldn't so... I'm trying not to, for as long as I can stand it.

Anyone here been catatonic before? I can't tell if I am getting really dissociated or starting to get catatonic. Speaking is difficult. I just want to stare at the wall and not move. I can't seem to understand what a vendor is telling me in an email. I think I may have had catatonia before but it wasn't dx'ed. But I also get really dissociated sometimes and it might just be that.

Maybe you’re really depressed, Kit? It hits me that way.

Maybe @@. Maybe depressed and tired. I know when I was in the ER I was having some symptoms of catatonia but then they had given me a shot of ativan I think it was. I still had symptoms for a little while but then I just got to where I could be super compliant. I have a pdoc appointment coming up via some sort of app. I could talk to him about it if it is still happening. Except I don't want to have to go back to the hospital.

On the SI chat and the guy I'm talking with has named himself Cobra Commander. Having a liiiitle but of a hard time taking him seriously.

I'm feeling really lonely right now.

I'm connecting with friends the best I can -- I see people all day at work (though my effing residency program has me working at a different hospital than usual right this second, so my co-workers are practically strangers rather than trusted colleagues and friends), one of my BFFs and I have been watching TV together via Netflix Party every night, I have Zoom friend dates with people, my roommate and I have dinner together on the nights when I work. But I still feel really empty and sad and alone.

Plus my T and I are having yet another tiff. I just want him to be reassuring and comforting right now. But he thinks that I will never really feel comforted, that the problem is not just that he is unable to be comforting in the way that I want but that also I am just not capable of being comforted in the way I want... so I have to grieve the thing I want but will never have, this mythical idealized comforting. Given that this is a lifelong longing of mine, I feel like that's a lot to dump on me right now, in the middle of all this chaos.

I'm also having a super hard time right now with wanting to be comforted and coming to the realization that I'm probably never going to have that, so I feel for you. I had a dream last week that I was performing small tasks and after every other task I would get tired and need to take a break. I would go to where my therapist was sitting and lay down with my head on his leg. There was no touching other than that and it felt like I was seeking comfort from him. I ended up sharing this dream with him even though it felt like a really awkward thing to tell him. Luckily he wasn't creeped out by it.

You're going through something unprecedented and I don't know why your therapist can't switch modes for the time being and just be supportive. Did he miss the week in therapist school when they taught support? He can return to analysis mode when all this mess is over.

L just had a family emergency. She says she doesn't know if or how long it will affect us. I am sorry for what she's going through, and I'm scared: for myself and our relationship. I'm already struggling with our relationship due to her laughing at me (for an unknown reason). With this going on for her, I don't feel I have the right to complain. I'm worried I'll be too much for her. From the sounds of it, I'm one of her only clients she'll be seeing during this. I hate this stupid virus. I just want to be with her so I know she's okay

I am not good at being comforted - and I get really irritated when people try and fail. I would rather they just not try. When they try and fail, I have to be nice about it and I would rather we just not do it at all.

For me, there is a difference between everyday comfort (like if I'm going through something stressful in my life) and the kind of comfort that soothes the emptiness inside. The first part is more straightforward and can be done by my spouse or a friend or whoever. The second one is much more complicated and difficult for anybody to help with, which is what makes it a core therapy topic for me.

Comfort is an odd topic for me too. If I’m having a bad day normally H or some of my friends can snap me out of it. But if I’m having a real moment, it’s like I can’t be consoled at all. Nor can I articulate what I need in that moment. I know it boils down to neglectful parenting, and I don’t know how to move past that.

In other news, my class opened early and my professor wrote this article that pertains to my therapy. I’ve toyed with sending it to my T but I’ll definitely discuss it tomorrow.

I'm thinking about this whole comfort topic. I think for me, I most want to be validated. Which is something I generally missed out on in childhood. Like, it helps right now to be talking to Dr. T about how much things suck right now being stuck inside with D and H, especially with D struggling so much and not knowing how to help her. And his basically saying, "Yeah, it does really suck, I wouldn't be doing any better than you in your situation," that really helps. Friends telling me similar things help as well. Because my mom tended (still does) to invalidate me so much. H doesn't do so well with validation, so he's not usually a good source. I mean, I was recently telling him about some of my fears regarding Covid, and he was just like, "Wow, that really spiraled quickly." Though, hm, I guess I wanted both validation and comfort from him, like a hug or something (yes, I know, I could have just asked for a hug, but I was standing there crying talking about fears of dying along in a hospital...). He can be validating with work stuff sometimes, less so other things.

I need to think on this more...comfort vs. validation. And support, where does that fall in there?

I think support is more active than comfort or validation (from the recipient’s perspective). Support encourages one to do. Comfort and validation meet one where one is. At least that’s how I see it.

I don’t mind being offered comfort, my problem is I just don’t believe the comforting things people say. Yes, things might be okay, but then again they might not. Who knows? Only thing to do is move forward and do my best. So it’s better for me to hear something like “you can do this” because that’s more like support to me.