Frequency of sessions

I hope you are right. I have been able to repair my relationship with my therapist despite what seemed like the most hopeless situations and despite her damaging behaviour. I hope he is capable enough for you.

Well, T called. He did not attempt in any way to discuss the problems from last session his focus was concern over sui thoughts and SI thoughts. He went into pushy cheerleader mode. He assumed my problem was that we are not meeting this coming Monday which I clarified as inaccurate. I explained that I made the choice for this coming week because I knew I had Pdoc and it would appease H. All he stated was that as we move to every other week (note the assumption there and no option for discussion) he wants me to know that he still cares just as much and I can still call and email my child self is just having a temper tantrum because of the change and that’s OK.
Then we were back to pushing the belief that I have to be able to make a better life for myself... like duh, it’s obvious cant you SEE better things... *sigh*
I see Pdoc the 17th. I know she was upset that he wasn’t seeing me twice a week. I can’t see her being keen on going even lower to every other week. She gave into being OK with once a week because I seemed OK with it. I can’t see her being OK with every other week especially if I am not OK with it... Not that I think she will have pull or influence with T but...
So... basically the call was pull yourself up, I’m disappointed in your lack of self care and I still care about you as much as ever...

It seems like he's not hearing you right now. Whose idea was it to go to every other week in the first place? I would really not appreciate being told that "my child self is just having a temper tantrum", even if that was true. Did he even read your first email about the sleeping in session?

Yeh, that ^^^^ like, all of that ^^^

I did not feel as though he made space for me in the phone call. This was also the first time he has ever cut off a phone call. All other phone calls I let him know when I got the support I needed and I cut it off. The length of the calls has always, IMO, been very reasonable.

So here is the latest email
T,I am having a lot of trouble in your role as therapist and how we are interacting within that role. I am not sure if it started with the social distancing stuff or when we decided it was OK for you to call out the toxic nature of my marriage... but I am not sure the when or why is important. I am feeling a very strong power over dynamic between us lately that I had not experienced with you previously. I don’t like it. I am feeling as though you have unilaterally chosen getting out of the marriage as our priority and I feel very pressured to take immediate action to leave or at the very least to have a plan in place that is moving steadily in that direction. I’m not OK with that pressure no matter how well intentioned it is. I am much more comfortable discussing the situation and options as well as the other things in my life right now. I am feeling very hurt and uncomfortable with the unilateral decisions being made right now about this being a priority, finances being an undiscussed priority and the decision to move to every other week without discussing other options or why I am uncomfortable with every other week. I am uncomfortable with the lack of quiet space and supports in our session when I struggle to say what I need.
I really want the needs cards back, I feel we have lost a lot with their absence. I understand I can’t touch them but if you can lay them out I can take a picture of them in session and then show you the one I need or could you send me a picture of them? One group shot (or a couple if they don’t fit into one) would be fine, I don’t need each one to have an individual picture. I don’t know your COVID19 cleaning routine but being on the couch, even with you 6ft away in your chair would make a huge difference if possible too. Even if I cannot be beside you it is still my safe space.
And while far more of a stretch/risk... I know touch in all normal contexts is out until this COVID thing blows over but... shoes.. shoes are always dirty and contaminated and we rarely think about them. Could our feet touch provided our upper body is still the 6ft apart?
Finally, discussing options to ease the finances would go a long way over you just telling me to switch to every other week. I have done OK with once a week but I will admit I have often found it less than ideal. Pdoc also feels that given my history meeting once a week is not ideal. I don’t see her supporting every other week and I don’t see my being comfortable with it. Once a week is pretty choppy for me. Moving to every other is going to feel like riding shotgun with someone that can’t drive a stick shift. I worry that too much space will be needed to reconnect and pack up without room in the middle for much work... much like where we are stuck now. With all the changes I never settle into the rhythm of session. We did, in my opinion, have a great deal of success with longer sessions. I thought the two hour session went extremely well. Can we discuss doing goal focused intensives as funds allow (thinking monthly with a minimum of 2hrs) until we can get back to regular sessions or decide maybe that is a better option for us?



I don’t want to give up hope but we really are not getting anywhere.

Hugs, I'm sorry the call went poorly. I agree with NP, that it doesn't sound like he was hearing you. Like he has his own agenda. And isn't willing to work with you on finances either. I know you're reluctant to look for another T due to bad past experiences, particularly in clinics, but...could it be worth seeing if there's a private one with a sliding scale? I hope pdoc goes well.

Thanks, sadly if the email does not get my heard I will be looking at other options. There is a T that current T referred me to if H would do marriage counseling. I am a little iffy on him but he does sliding scale and other arrangements.
Or, another thought I have been toying with is asking to work with another T in the same building. She does not have the same level of training so she is, I think $50 less per session. She uses T for supervision and she has seen some of the art I have done to express myself to T (with my permission). She is an art therapist. My goals and what I worked on with her would be totally different than with T but I think she has skills I could benefit from... then after the finances and other distractions we’re past me I could decide if I wanted to pick back up with T on what I can’t do with her. And, with the goals I would have with her I would be OK with every other week as they would be less trauma related.

For what it's worth, my therapist never pressured me to leave my relationship. He didn't use the word 'abuse' until I did. (I think I know why. He told me about a mistake he made with a previous client by using the word abuse.) I asked him once if he was frustrated because I hadn't left yet and he said no but if it was two years later and I was still in, he might find that frustrating. He has said that the situation made him anxious especially as things were escalating and he still didn't try to set a goal for me to leave. These really are things you have to be able to decide for yourself. If you want to discuss reasons you haven't left and want to make a goal to address those things, that's one thing, but him deciding that you need to leave, that's just not a good way to approach it therapeutically, in my opinion. He did, however, strongly encourage me to go to a DV agency and get a safety plan in place once things started turning overtly physical. He also encouraged me to go to a DV support group. Those suggestions felt supportive and didn't feel out of place at all.

Thanks NP, a few weeks ago I called my marriage toxic in session and that was when T said that he had been uncomfortable with the relationship for a long time but needed to wait to say anything until he was sure we had a strong enough relationship. I get there needing to be a strong therapeutic relationship before discussing a toxic marriage but where we are now was not what I was thinking! T does know that H got physical with me twice which caught me off guard but after those two times I have defended myself. H gets violent when he feels threatened in a very specific way (not justifying but it does make it easier than men like my mother dated who were random time bombs) so I can pretty easily avoid that. H is also the typical bully. Once I fought back the first time he was more hesitant, after the second time he has not tried it again. So, I can see having a safety plan which I wanted T’s help with (nothing new to me having grown up in abuse and worked for child services). I have safety resources in place (a “go” bag) along with two safe houses to go to (granted, they are both 15hr drives but...)
I kinda feel like T is saying that until I leave we cannot work on any other goals. That seems stupid to me. Part of my not being able to get out connects to my trauma history. IMO the more we address that (while I am simultaneously working towards leaving) the better suited I will be to leave in a way that doesn’t put me in some other kind of danger. Just walking out without a job and housing seems I’ll advised to me. My resources are limited and will not last long. I have been homeless before, I am not afraid to be homeless again but it is very expensive and hard to pull yourself back up out of. I’d rather avoid it. T’s counter was that “more than any other person I have ever met Omers, you can endure anything forever and I am afraid you’ll never leave”. Ok, fair point. But... moving to every other week sessions to reserve financial resources until I can leave seems counter intuitive to me... my feeling like the one person I have to talk to is pulling away doesn’t help. I have no one in the state that I can talk to for “free”... no real friends. The closest is a lady (V) working retail that keeps tabs on me... but for us to talk I have to be buying something in the store (not by her standards but she is there to work and if we are just chatting her boss gets upset) or I can go to the diner and talk to the waitress there (P) but I have to order something. That’s it. No neighbors talk to me and I have no friends here. I did have one gentleman that I did not know super well but well enough that if I were in trouble any time of the day/night I would feel safe going to his house. He passed away of COVID19 a bit more than a month ago.
Anyway, obviously I am tired and rambling/ranting. Short version breaking rapport and trust with me is not going to get me out faster! I guess T may be feeling scared for my safety and as though it would be unprofessional to express his fear... but it would go over better with me than all this pushy BS.

I wonder if he feels like he's somehow enabling an abusive situation if he doesn't take a harder line - he said it himself, he's "scared." Don't get me wrong, I am not expressing my personal beliefs here about how people should act. However, I think sometimes people feel a responsibility to "rescue" others and the only way they can figure out to have an impact is to give an ultimatum. In a way, he's displacing his helplessness to "fix things" onto you. This removes the uneasy feeling that he should be doing something. A therapist more competent in dealing with DV would probably recognize that it is not up to them to be your savior or make your choices for you, and would be more experienced and ready to deal with their own feelings of helplessness or whatever without acting out at you.

I'm getting a strong countertransference vibe here. That he wants to protect/save you and is losing some objectivity because of it. And, like Susannah mentioned, if he's not that experienced in dealing with DV, he might not realize that his current approach isn't helpful.


And I agree that you need to work on the underlying issues first. If he gets hung up on your leaving the situation and pushes that above all else...then how will that help you? It would be different if you came into session and said, "OK, I need to leave, help me do that." But it seems he's dictating what you should do. When you might not be at that place yet (and maybe you'll never be there).

His behaviour does not sound like rescuer behaviour to me. Unilaterally cutting back your sessions, being inflexible with his expensive fees, not acknowledging your needs/feelings, falling asleep are pretty significant examples of withdrawal. I agree that it sounds like counter transference, but not of a saviour kind. It sounds like he is turning away due to his unhelpful feelings (of anger, frustration, who knows?) rather than moving towards you to rescue. Obviously, I don't think rescuing would be appropriate either.

I think the moving away behaviors are due to irritation/resentfulness over his feeling of impotence. Saving her has not worked the way he has been trying. He has compassion fatigue.

I would say there is actually probably also an element of wishing to punish in the countertransference, as well. Wishing to punish for allowing herself to remain in this situation even though she's "smart" and "should be able to figure it out" or whatever it was he said. I think part of him wants her to regret not listening to him or something. For her to have one of those "come to Jesus moments."

Yes, maybe. Of course, as you said, the fact that we are having this discussion highlights that Omers shouldn't be in a position of guessing his motivations and trying to calculate his process.

Yes, I think this is closer to what's likely going on--you articulated it well. He's frustrated by not being able to help in the way he wants to, so he's pulling away. I could see the punishing element there, too. Like, if this was a rescuing situation, he'd be offering more frequent sessions for a reduced rate. Instead, it's fewer sessions, no reduction in rate, saying other clients need help. Like, "Fine, if you won't take my help, I'll find others who will."

I imagine he's not aware he's feeling these sorts of things. That much of it is subconscious. But it could help explain both some of his actions/inactions in the most recent session and his not replying to your email addressing them (only to the concern about you).

ETA: This is not to defend him. He needs to be looking at his actions and feelings and trying to figure out what's going on. And seeking consultation and/or supervision if needed.

Thanks everyone, your thoughts are very much appreciated.

I also got more info today in a google dive... well sort of... he knows I access the information... anyway... he is receiving a lot of pressure to look at his white male privilege from a source outside of his work. Most of not all his other clients also fit into a rather privileged group. In my email I called him out on it as well. So... he is likely to feel pretty beat up right now.
I agree with the rescue stuff too though.

Omers, your T's blindness concerns me. I'm going to ramble on a bit about my T and me leaving my abusive home.

My T's favourite population is complex developmental trauma. She has had several clients in DV situations with family or partners.

She never pressured me to leave my abusive family because she knows it's not that easy or simple but has never pressured me to "fix things".

She has always held out the option to leave (including when I felt unable to leave) while respecting that I am doing my best even when I'm staying. Even when she has wished I'd just...get out. I was unable to leave for many years due to psychological and practical factors. Having a support network and a safe place to flee to was among the biggest things I needed, because I did not qualify for DV shelters.

Leaving can be among the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship. Especially since your H has gotten physical.

My T has been flexible, with coaching phone calls, sometimes email, including with her fees. While not tipping over into rescuing me or pushing me away. I often think that a lot of our work was about helping me heal from the historical and ongoing abuse, and helping me build the courage, resources, outside support and strength to leave.

She has also made mistakes. Eg I was staying passive and appeasing to be relatively safe, but she pushed me to be assertive and stand my ground. When I did so, things with my father escalated quickly. I was later advised by a DV org that I should have listened to my instinct to appease to stay safe. Eventually this year, just a few weeks ago, I managed to leave.

My point... I think your T is being very not flexible at all, and he's making it harder for you.

Maybe we should start a GoFundMe so the poor guy can get some professional help. Being a economically secure white male is such a traumatic experience. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing he might be questioning his privilege.

Sorry not sorry for the sarcasm. But I mean, you're really feeling bad for the guy, right? I'm not saying you need to take pleasure in his pain, but seems to me he's a bit of a douche if he has to be pressured to confront his privilege. He should have been doing that already. Yeah, I get that he's no spring chicken, but he's a therapist and they like to act like they're superior and ****.

OMG please don’t make me laugh so hard! Got too overheated yesterday afternoon and paying for it.
Sarcasm is OK with me.
More serious reply when I’m feeling better!

Ok, where I am currently at with this mess...

1. T needs supervision on our work right now. I can think of three reasons but... not my job.

2. I am triggered/retraumatized by moving to every other week. I have a friend who is willing to help offset the cost of therapy (provided we get through snafoo #1) at least long enough for me to work through being traumatized/shattered by the transition.

3. I am going to consult with Pdoc the 17th

Uhhh... I had more but it has escaped me... there was a show yesterday evening that I went to photograph (which may become a possible income source) and I got way overheated. Still feeling it...