[Omers]

I am realizing that while T royally screwed up last session there is an additional dynamic with myself at play here. I am not comfortable with every other week sessions and have not been offered the space to dialogue about my needs while respecting his boundary.
So... looking for others thoughts. IF T can fix last week I am thinking of putting these options out there as alternatives to every other week and would like input.

Taking a break until finances change then returning to therapy. Down side is if I am being honest I don’t think I would ever return for a variety of reasons.

Weekly sessions every other month. This would give me a session to reconnect/catch up, two sessions to process and then a session to wrap up before the break. Down side is that I have a hunch T would not be able to work within this rhythm for much the same reason every other week is hard for me.

Therapy intensives. Stop “regular therapy” and save up as I am able. Once I have the funds available schedule a longer session with T (2hrs-4hrs) with a specific focus and plan. For example right now we are working with teen years. Go in with a highly specific plan and goals, create a comfortable space in his office for where I was as a teen, meet the needs we can meet, process the traumas, wind down with some lighter/play type activities. T uses a similar model to this in a different setting but only sees those clients for a single intensive.

[LonesomeTonight]

I forget, is he already giving you a reduced rate? If not, is that an option? Or might he let you carry a balance for a bit?

I feel like your stopping entirely right now wouldn't be good (unless you can't repair this). Not sure about the go for a month, then skip a month thing either. Could you attempt every other week and see how it goes maybe?

[Lonelyinmyheart]

This is such a tough dilemma Omers. If your T can't offer a reduced rate as Lonesome suggested would it be possible to see him every other week for a month, followed by weekly for the month after that? Or is that too expensive as well? Therapy is SO expensive and it's a shame if your T isn't being as flexible as possible to account for your circumstances. I'm seeing T weekly on reduced rate but add in an extra as and when needed so I don't know if that would be doable with your every other weekly sessions - adding in a extra one where possible/needed- or still too unaffordable. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[Omers]

T is not able to offer a reduced rate which he made clear when I started with him. I made the decision to take the chance and work with him even though it would be financially difficult as I felt he was, by far, my best option. Even given the current situation I still believe he is my best option. T’s in my area are aweful.
T’s schedule books 2 weeks to a month in advance (again, good T’s are hard to find here). So scheduling extra sessions is out, we attempted that in the past and they just don’t open up.
In T’s defense there are dynamics between H and I that influence financial ability. T also underestimates the difficulty in my ability to find a well paying job as I have a high IQ and college degree (from 2000 in useless subjects).

There have been times we have worked every other week just because of scheduling conflicts. I find that I have my typical therapy hang over for a couple days, grieve missing him during our session and then move into being comfortable without him all by the time the next session comes. It feels rather like city driving with someone that can’t drive a stick shift. We accomplish very little other than reestablishing rapport and then I am worthless outside of session.

[SlumberKitty]

I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to show my support and give you some HUGS. Kit

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Assuming you can work through the rupture, could you present your options to your T and talk about them together? Would he be willing to support you in making a decision or would he distance himself from the whole situation? He has a duty of care for you so I would hope he could help you think about what might be the best thing for you to do, obviously without offering advice. It's sad if he doesn't understand your limitations with finances and finding a job as they are real barriers for anyone, especially in your current situation.

[zoiecat]

Don't give up on the job situation. I have a great paing job with a bank and my degree is in music education. You would be surprised what you can find. Sell your skills not your degree.

[Omers]

I hope T has the integrity to be able to discuss options. Most of our work, and certainly our best work has been “ outside the box” . Prior to our most recent sessions I would have no doubt he would discuss it. However, right now I am not feeling like my therapy has much to do with me.

[ArtieTheSequal]

i don't know if this is an option but for awhile L and I did half-sessions for half her normal rate. I paid out of pocket though, so that might be the reason that was even an option. I hope that you are able to work something out.

[nottrustin]

How about doing sessions say every 10 days..so in between weekly and every other week?

Or having some shorter sessions.

If his schedule is full to the point of worrying about fitting you on now, I would be concerned that of you took time off it would take a bit to get you back on the schedule especially if it is really important. Also, fitting you in for a 3-4 hour session also seems hard for him to schedule.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

i don't know if this is an option but for awhile L and I did half-sessions for half her normal rate. I paid out of pocket though, so that might be the reason that was even an option. I hope that you are able to work something out.

I did half sessions on occasion if I wanted an extra session. It's worth asking.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

How about doing sessions say every 10 days..so in between weekly and every other week?

Or having some shorter sessions.

If his schedule is full to the point of worrying about fitting you on now, I would be concerned that of you took time off it would take a bit to get you back on the schedule especially if it is really important. Also, fitting you in for a 3-4 hour session also seems hard for him to schedule.

I doubt he will offer shorter sessions but I will ask. H gets paid every two weeks and gives me the money for T, groceries, bills and car insurance... problem is H gives me what ever he feels he can spare after caring for his needs/wants Offering no more than what is needed but often less. If I switched frequency of sessions with T I have to still “go” the same time and day each week... yes, calling a domestic violence shelter has been suggested but T is under the delusion that they will somehow provide the resources for me to see him when they have their own on staff counselors and there are a variety of clinics... that suck... but I digress... I may make that call with T next session.

Yes, T will need a month or longer notice to fit me back in for even an hours session yet alone a longer session. Saving for even a single session with T will take more than the time to get into his schedule. H consistently provides enough for one session a month knowing I go every week, sometimes more but I can count on one session. I have maxed my credit cards to cover the difference until now.

[nottrustin]

Oh Omers I am so sorry. This must be so hard

Another idea that came to mind is what about going with the every other week or even monthly. In the other weeks find some type of support group that would likely be much cheaper and possibly take your insurance? You could do your more intense work with T while having some support

[Omers]

I will look into groups but my state is not fully open.
I have sent T an email letting him know that I know I should call as per our agreement but my phone is not working. I let him know I am on the verge of crisis... although he may argue that I am already there. He hasn’t seen me in this space before so we shall see how he handles it. My last T fired me for being “too messy” around this area.

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS @Omers

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Omers

I will look into groups but my state is not fully open.
I have sent T an email letting him know that I know I should call as per our agreement but my phone is not working. I let him know I am on the verge of crisis... although he may argue that I am already there. He hasn’t seen me in this space before so we shall see how he handles it. My last T fired me for being “too messy” around this area.

I know some groups are meeting online, too.

I hope your T handles it well and finds a way to meet or talk to you. Or sends a supportive email.

[susannahsays]

I don't think every other month makes much sense since you would be wasting half the sessions winding up and winding down. So it would basically be like every other week anyway except even worse because you'd have to go a full month without in between. I don't know about the other option as I haven't done anything like that before. I do know that I often have strong feelings come up after my sessions. It would be more convenient if everything happened during sessions, but that's not how it works, in my experience. If I just had a long-*** session, then nothing, I'm not sure how much I would accomplish. When I'm left alone with my thoughts is when things start going south and the **** hits the fan. I'm not sure there's anything that could be done in session to prevent that for me personally.

[Omers]

Well, I let T know where I was at. I don’t know if he read the other messages or not but this was his reply...

I am concerned about you. Without a phone you are cut off from any quick resources. It does not sound that you are not in immediate danger, but your lack of self-care is a concern. This is a time of determination to change your circumstances soon. You are smart and can figure out resources without sacrificing your soul.

Please call when you have a phone.

*sigh*
Am I wrong to not feel helped by this?

[susannahsays]

Seems pretty unhelpful. Basically - "You're smart, you'll figure it out." I mean, by objective measures, I am also smart... but my life is currently a wreck. It also almost sounds kind of blamey or pull yourself up by the bootstraps-ish... I don't like that. The one I see sometimes says **** with that flavor, and I never find it helpful. It is not empowering to ... idk... have your life and problems thera-splained to you. For example, mine said the last session that maybe it's not that getting out of bed and doing stuff is actually too overwhelming, it's basically just me being a defeatist and thinking it will be too overwhelming. The fact that the anticipation of being overwhelmed can itself be overwhelming seems to have escaped her (and I don't think that's the problem I'm having anyway).

Anyway, I don't think you're wrong for not feeling helped. I also think he's coming from a privileged and judging perspective rather than an empathic, sympathetic, or compassionate perspective with the comment about figuring out resources without sacrificing your soul.

In short, he can get ****ed as far as I'm concerned.

[NP_Complete]

On the one hand, it sounds like he is genuinely worried about you. On the other hand, he seems to think you can leave H ("determination to change your circumstances soon") without the support of at least weekly therapy that you can't afford and he won't budge on a sliding scale.

I find it really hard to comment on your situation because it's obvious to me that your H is using financial means to control you and that just hurts my soul. It just makes me so angry. I want you to dump his sorry *** so much.

[Omers]

Thanks NP, you have been a big part of why I have shifted my perception on H from “oh he is just financially stupid” to “wait, WTAF, NO!”. But last session I mentioned to T that having taken an honest assessment of my skills and the available jobs in my area I could not reasonably leave H AND get my mental health needs met with T. T knows how very bad my other experiences have been and my unwillingness to put myself in a position to use clinics and such around here. T actually cried about my experiences in the mental health “care” system outside of private practice and how aweful the therapists are. But, then T said he understood my choosing to stay with H to have access to quality mental health care even if H manipulated it.

Originally Posted by Omers

Well, I let T know where I was at. I don’t know if he read the other messages or not but this was his reply...

I am concerned about you. Without a phone you are cut off from any quick resources. It does not sound that you are not in immediate danger, but your lack of self-care is a concern. This is a time of determination to change your circumstances soon. You are smart and can figure out resources without sacrificing your soul.

Please call when you have a phone.

*sigh*
Am I wrong to not feel helped by this?

Is that the only response he has sent you? There is no mention of him falling asleep or any address of his other marginalising behaviours. I would be very angry. I think this is more than unhelpful - it compounds your experience of not being seen.

"I am concerned about you" would fall very flat with me in the context of his other behaviours and comments. Ordinarily, I am enthralled when my therapist says similar things to me. I romance our relationship and I get giddy with the magic of her. Saying this on the back of falling asleep in session would ring very hollow and I would be questioning her authenticity. "I am concerned about you but not enough to stay awake" is what I would hear. But then I am a petulant child in many ways, hopefully you are more emotionally mature!

I feel sad when I read how you are trying to maximise your chances of maintaining contact with him and continuing your work with him. I have commented in one of your threads before on the issue of money and therapy so I won't labour my point, but he appears mercenary. How is he meeting you? All I hear is how you are trying to accommodate his boundaries. As someone else said, he has a duty of care towards you.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'd also be disappointed/bothered if that's all he sent you, considering you'd emailed about the bad last session. And it sounds almost like he's blaming you for your situation. And implying that it's easier to get out of than it really is (whether finding a job, leaving your H, taking over the finances from him, etc.). He should have offered more. Hugs...

[Omers]

Thanks. When my phone is turned off it will sometimes allow incoming calls. I replied to T with that information and said I would be available all day today if he was able to try. If not I will call when it gets turned on (most likely tomorrow) but Friday he usually does things with his wife, Sat is a crap shoot depending on his plans, Sunday work is off limits unless it is life or death... so... we shall see.
Feeling so disappointed after things had gone so well for a year and a half.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Is that the only response he has sent you? There is no mention of him falling asleep or any address of his other marginalising behaviours. I would be very angry. I think this is more than unhelpful - it compounds your experience of not being seen.

"I am concerned about you" would fall very flat with me in the context of his other behaviours and comments. Ordinarily, I am enthralled when my therapist says similar things to me. I romance our relationship and I get giddy with the magic of her. Saying this on the back of falling asleep in session would ring very hollow and I would be questioning her authenticity. "I am concerned about you but not enough to stay awake" is what I would hear. But then I am a petulant child in many ways, hopefully you are more emotionally mature!

I feel sad when I read how you are trying to maximise your chances of maintaining contact with him and continuing your work with him. I have commented in one of your threads before on the issue of money and therapy so I won't labour my point, but he appears mercenary. How is he meeting you? All I hear is how you are trying to accommodate his boundaries. As someone else said, he has a duty of care towards you.

Sadly this is where my eternal optimism shows. I am hopeful that he wants to talk over the phone to repair things. I am doubtful he has any openings to meet at his office before our next session (the 22nd). He is not comfortable on email and I can’t blame him for that. So... again, I am hoping he wishes to address the other concerns in a more personal manner. Should I be wrong all h* may break loose.