Can therapists be themselves in session?

I told my therapist that I thought it was 'normal' for some clients to fantasize about having sex with their T. He said yes, but that it wasn't really about him, just transference.

I get that this would normally be the case, but if it could never be about him, then is it because he isn't really there? Like the real him. Do they leave their true selves at the door to protect themselves from the things we say and do to them?

I did ask him and he said he was his real self, but it's not something they could really admit to I suppose.

Transference is more about how the client sees things than about how the T acts, I think. A client having transference doesn't mean that the T isn't behaving authentically, just that the client is fitting them into a certain role/pattern regardless of how they're acting.

I would guess some Ts are "themselves" in session more than others, though.

Yup. It's called compartmentalizing. My therapist told me that he has to keep his personal life separate from his professional life; client A separate from client B, etc. I think many professionals do the same. I can't be thinking about my personal issues and focus on my students in class. I can't allow my personal feelings about any particular student interfere with my professional interactions with that student, grades, etc. No matter how much I like them (not sexually - that's just NO!), I can't grade them differently; I can't even really let on to them that I might like them more - it's just not professional. Therapists even more so are under those kinds of restrictions, and their ability to professionally compartmentalize allows them to be effective and to not burn out.

So, no they aren't exactly "themselves" when we interact with them. They are their professional selves. That may be a very different person from their private self.

I think to some extent that's his therapist self which could be different from the self he shows in his personal life. For example, he wouldn't have the same response to someone who isn't a client expressing that they have sex fantasies about him.

My T is absolutely his real self with me the only exception being if acting on his feeling or what ever would do me harm. He may do this more with me than with others as I do best in therapy with a real person not a blank slate in a lab coat. I have access to information about his non-professional life and I often laugh at just how much he is exactly the same in other settings as he is in his office. Again, his boundaries have to be different but he is so very totally the same person... goofiness, foibles, big heart, hard working, sometimes totally off base, usually 5 min late... and always with the best intentions.

Thanks for your replies. I felt like talking to him about it as it seemed important.

I understand the boundaries and I know he would never have sex with a client, that's why I felt safe enough to bring it up with him. But I think I was left feeling like it's too taboo to talk about. Even though I think we've discussed much weirder things. Like I was insulting him. Sorry, I'm confused maybe.

Therapists are actors. They have a therapist persona. I think they are insufferable enough when you deal with that persona for 50 minutes - it would be completely intolerable in real life.

To piggyback on SDs comment: I also doubt I could tolerate my therapists read personalities in real life except in small doses. LOL.

I think once they build a relationship with a client the can be more so. First they need to know the client and their needs. One example with my current T she was born, raised and actively Catholic. She doesn't tell clients. Not because she is a ashamed of it but she knows that some of the groups of people she really enjoys working with with automatically overlook her because they would judge her beliefs. She works with a lot of LGBTQ as well as Muslims. She is the most accepting non judgemental person zi know.

With me, though. In my first appointment I told her about my Catolic faith. She said since I told her that she felt it was appropriate to bvb v fmdusclose her faith. We have discussed religion numerous tines.

My therapist is her real self. We have had this conversation recently. She and i spend entire days together, for the past 9 years. She said there is no way she could hide her real self for the entire day. She gets angry, sad, upset,excited, etc. We talked the other day about how she and I are both going to be at an event next week and she said I will probably think she sounds weird because she is going to have to have her “therapist hat” on, so she wont be as casual as she is around me.

My T is her real self all the time, just within boundaries and with the use of skills and training that she doesn't apply to other areas of her life. The essence of her is the same. I still experience transference towards her especially when younger parts are active but we have a genuine connection at the core.

I think they are their true selves but not their whole selves when they work.

We all have a work persona and we present differently in different circumstances. I don't believe most therapists are interested (or smart) enough to create elaborate roles which they then act out. I think they are just like the rest of us - self-interested and mostly unaware.

I find it strange that people are very keen to claim that their therapist is their true self in session. How would a client know? By definition, a client only experiences a therapist as a therapist. We have no idea what they are like in private or with peers, and hopefully we have no idea what their sexual, political or familial self is like. We should not have access to all aspects of a therapist's self. It seems that people want to confidently say that their therapist is their real self as evidence that the relationship is real or "truly" compassionate. Relationships can have limits and therapists can be partially hidden from us, it doesn't mean that the work is any less authentic or valuable.

So, I experience my therapist as relatively genuine and authentic (partly because she also shows her darker sides such as shouting or crying, I don't consider this professional or helpful behaviour, but that's another story). However, I don't experience her real self since it is a partial self. And I am ok with that.

I dont believe we need to know everything about a person goes them to be their true self, though. There is much my coworkers and friends don't know about me just because there is a need to know factor for me.

Also like other relationships, it takes time to get to really know people. Or maybe it is just me who takes time to open up to people and expose all of me that makes it seem normal that a T does.

I have access to a very sanitized view of my T’s personal and family life. T knows I have access to this information and that I check back with it regularly as it is sporadically updated. For me it has greatly enhanced our work together in several ways. My mother is DID and so I had a lot of inconsistency from my primary attachment. Dad was mostly absent and was very different based on what setting he was in. So to see someone else’s view of the human being that is my T and see that they see much the same things as I do was a shocker for me. The idea that T was loving, kind, gentle, considerate.... when he wasn’t being paid to do so was earth shaking for me... and great fodder for processing in session. Many things T is trying to teach me as part of a healthy life are completely foreign to me so how do I learn? Most of the families I have surrounded myself have similar issues to my own family... that’s why I feel comfortable with them. T’s family life is very different, beyond what I can imagine. I can go to this resource and see what something he is asking of me looks like in real life. It is all public but would be hard to trace back to him if you didn’t know.
Many would find this problematic but what T and I use to judge where the boundaries are is 1. Does it help my healing 2. Is he comfortable with it 3. Can we both maintain appropriate boundaries around it (ie I won’t use it to find his home or stalk family members and if I mention something from it in session he will discuss how it impacts me not go off on a tangent about his feelings on it).

T has also shared with me about his own spirituality as we have both gotten to similar places spiritually from very different paths. His political values really are not hard to figure out and we have very different views on some things. I know even though we have different views if it comes up as pertinent to my therapy we both set politics aside and talk like adults.

I also know that a vast majority of T’s have not done enough of their own work to be OK being this transparent and vulnerable with a client even if they think they have. Even more clients are not yet at a point of having healthy enough boundaries to not misuse this information. A lot of my T’s clients specifically really don’t give two farts about him as a person and just want his training/expertise. So I think it is different for everyone.

I have always told my therapists that they should be or i wish they were actually machines. i have no friends and i can’t help feeling that if i am in a room with an actual living being that that person is a viable candidate for being a friend. if that is contrary to therapy then i am more inclined to seek the friendship part over the therapy. i think friendship is more valuable and productive than therapy. they just ignore that i say stuff like that and i can still feel the vibrations coming out of their conflicted heads so i end up being troubled all the more that they are troubled too. so being a machine i think really would be better. and as for “transference” in my opinion that is such a BS terminology. i’ll explain if asked.
but i’m very happy that you brought this subject up. its always on my mind. thanks.

Sarah,

Hi Sarah, thank you. what do you think about transference? I know how it's meant to work but I struggle with it.

well i think it is just a terminology used to assist the therapist of other mental healthcare provider to be able to step back and not be blamed for anything sexual or romantic that might have somehow developed. it sounds so clinical and separate and seen as a nearly diagnosis that the patient may be going through and not actually a real legitimate feeling when they are right there in the room with another person who might actually be having similar feelings. to me is is sort of dishonesty to call it transference. actually in any situation in life that same process is happening and sometimes it does lead to a long lasting open love. sadly the therapist/MH professional does have to maintain that aloofness but i find that a bit hurtful to the therapist and patient. that is why i wish a therapist could be a machine. if you have not guessed yet, i was severely in love with my first therapist. do you know about me at all? i’m hopeful about transitioning from male to female but my therapist then was a woman. does this mean i’m a woman who loves women. i don't know. or am i actually a man who for other reasons needs to transition. i have not had any therapy since then (over 3 years ago) that has been able to approach dealing with this. i think a machine could do much better. thinking about this makes me sad. but i’m still hopeful that i’m finding the right things to do. but if i could, i’d be in a relationship with that former therapist. maybe she was just being too nice? i don’t know but as for transference, i do not think it was all me and nothing her. happy to go on with this subject if you’d like...

Sarah

My T sounds like Omer's T. I know how she thinks and feels about many things because of the nature of how we work together. I may not see how she interacts with her family and friends but I know enough of her as a person. Ive worked with therapists in the past who havent shared anything at all about themselves but the connection has still been real and genuine so I'm not stating that the T is only real if they share stuff. It's just that current T brings so much more of herself into the room with me.

I agree that therapists who share parts of themselves and their lives in session help to develop a meaningful therapeutic relationship. Mine does this and I value it. My point is that despite their disclosures and despite love in therapy and despite all these glorious bonds we experience in therapy, we do not have a complete experience of our therapists. If you believe otherwise, I think you are heavily invested in seeing your therapist as the good parent which is an understandably naive position but ultimately an incurious one.

I don't believe anyone ever has a complete experience of another person, so certainly not a therapist! Most people hide aspects of themselves and slot into the expected roles in their lives. I agree that assuming otherwise could be a barrier in therapy unless it's worked through. But certainly what my therapist and many other therapists bring to the room is authentic and true.

Yes, I think I have seen a post of yours before. I agree with it being very one sided. I know counter transference exists too, so does that mean that no one is exempt from transferring their feeling on to others? Are all relationships just transference, where we seek what we needed and missed out on in childhood? How do I know when my feelings are not transference, and truly authentic? Would they ever be considered authentic in a therapy setting.

My therapist is very open about things, and has shared things about his personal life. I really enjoy hearing about most of it, and it does help me.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Personally I experience confusion around my gender, and often I say I don't feel male or female. I don't know why.

As far as the sexual part...
I did lust after one T... They were freaking stunning eye candy... but as far as a life partner... awe h* NO we would be incompatible.
I have had several instances where I wished of having sex with someone (not a T but similar position) because of how differently I believed they would treat me than my past experiences.
And, I have had what I believe was “transference” sexual feelings from one person projected onto another person I honestly didn’t know.

As for current T... I would really enjoy doing a nude photo shoot with him or art... he would be utterly appalled at the idea... but what little I have seen of his body I find artistically attractive. I do not find him sexually attractive and I do not think, with his personality, that he would be able to meet my sexual needs. As a life partner... eh... he would be a better match than my H but the age difference would be a problem between T and I. If we were closer in age we would be a good match as life partners but I believe sex is a human need and I don’t think we would match well there... so still a no go.

hi, i really find that finding oneself attracted and desiring someone new is a natural thing and happens naturally and often in a person’s life. in the isolated situation of a therapist’s office and the therapist being kind and caring and somewhat open about her or his life, it really would be surprising if nothing happened (at least the desire and perhaps verbal expression of it. it surely happened with me and i so wish my therapist would have said to me that this was going to make further therapy with her too difficult and that i should find another therapist. i wished i could jsut be in her arms. she did however say it was impossible and it would never happen. she should have recognized a broken hear when she saw one and ended the therapy relationship. but this is not transference as if it were a real thing other than falling in love with someone. she was pretty and beautiful the way i am attracted to women. (i’m sure this comes off as being extremely weird coming from me Sarah. but it is true in spite of my present status) she also had likes and dislikes similar to mine. she was what i considered physically compatible. she claimed to be married but did not wear a ring. that is a confusing message to a susceptible patient. and further i believe she implied that she was gay. that is something that kind of works in with who i am or might be which at that time was less processed than now. now i am with another therapist who i chose because she does not seem like the kind of person i could be attracted to but sometimes i feel like i could and that she might actually want it. it is just confusing to be with another person when you want to be attached to someone - even if you already are. i just dont think it is “transference” but normal human connecting.