Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

It’s happening again.

Dear T,
I really needed to hear some of what you said today--thanks. Though I really need my brain (and all of my parts) to remember that you were talking as my T and not as anything else.
Love,
LT

T, you're the bestest.

You're just not there when I need you..

You know my theory about that, don't you?

I hope we work this out today and don't have a hurtful disagreement. I'm angry, alright.

I have got to keep reminding myself I have had plenty plenty of other people like you in my life and then moved on very easily or semi easily. When the time came to move on. From teachers to staff members to other therapists. There was even a police officer similar to you. Many people have been like you. I know you won’t be the last either but why does this hurt so much more? I have had 11 people like you in my past. I can’t tell what the ****ing difference is. Is it the move? Or what.

I love you, I wish I could spend the night at your house. I'll do the light box just because I promised you I would.

While I trust you, I read something today about an organization that is very near and dear to my heart still hasn't changed even though they say they have. Really the only safe people in my life are my husband and children. When will you also let me down? If you hurt me, I will not survive. I cannot allow myself to be hurt again. Why have I allowed you and others to break down my wall? In the end you will hurt me again, that I am sure of... Yet you always know just what to say in order to keep me coming back.

How come I sometimes fight you being mommy?

Ugh. Why did I send that email? Is there some kind of service whereby some caretaker will confiscate my phone when I am premenstrual and hung over and start to type "Hello C... "?

That was the speediest response ever! Sometimes you are like a gazelle!! Thank goodness there is no caretaker service around here!

T, thank you.

I cancelled our session for the first time ever. I don't deserve you

I wish I had the words to express how much I appreciate you never giving up on me.

I’m struggling so badly. I think it’s going to happen again, what happened on Monday. I know the sensible thing to do is call and ask for the Crisis House bed....but what if I’m making it up? I know I’m not making it up. What would you say? This feels like an unresolvable mess. I know you want me to leave. I know you don’t. I am so conflicted and confused and I don’t think you’ll ever understand how devastating not seeing you in person is.

Hi R,

I attended an immersive poetry experience yesterday, and came away feeling rather wretched. I would like to share the poem that affected me so deeply with you, but I don't know whether that would be weird.

I had emailed you about how things were not so quiet after day 4 and to my surprise you responded. And then you responded again to a email sent this weekend. I am amazed! Hell you even threw a curve ball when you responded to a unrelated to therapy text, as I though my stove was smoking too much, and you responded and then responded to my response..like 2 more times! I sent you a text today, unrelated to therapy, about how and I have no clue I guess is it fell off my notebook, and landed inside the paper feed of my printer, my son's car key was found there. Had looked for a day and half and went to move my printer and felt something in it, and there it was my son's key!!! Dissociated or just a simple fall into it...no idea as I have no recall of it, but pretty funny!! no response from you as I was just sharing though. My kids were like Wow , Only you MOM ! If you ever need to hide something put inside your printer. I had even printed something off the day it was still in there.

Thanks for making me feel like your still around. Especially after the last email sent. triggering time, and your a nice reminder of 2020! So thank you!

Your probably wondering why I haven’t emailed you in a number of days. But I also think you know I’m not very happy with the therapy situation. Or you.

I appreciate you listening to me and being supportive.

Dear T, this inner dialogue to child part thing is pretty much freaking me out.

I haven't seen you in person since the pandemic started. We got used to the streaming sessions. Not the same, but still helpful. Now you have Covid yourself and have had to take a couple of months off to recover. I'm worried about you and I appreciate that you still text me occasionally to let me know you haven't died. You said I could call if I need to but I don't want to bother you while you're recovering. I worry that you might not fully recover. I worry that you might not be able to go back to work ever. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. You gave me the name of another therapist if I have an emergency. What constitutes an emergency? The only thing we have is just to wait and wait and wait... I'm tired of waiting and that's not an emergency.

Grateful my only concern at the moment is cleaning up before my place has to be inspected by building management. tomorrow

Thank you sooo much for replying to my email. Thank you for your good suggestions. I would have been super happy if you signed the email "love" (like you did on my birthday card), but I know that's asking an awful lot.

I wish it was tomorrow. I could sure use an hour in your office right now. We wouldn't even have to talk. Heck, you wouldn't even have to be there. I could just curl up on your couch and sleep. That would be enough.

i don't feel well mentally.

eta: i know why. the past 8 months is catching up to me big-time. I've been pushing myself and working so hard on this class and now i'm not and i'm on vacation today so not working either and just relaxing and it's all just zooming in on my head at once.