Couch 222: Create, Cooperate, Harmonize

I'm never going to leave therapy for good, am I?

(no need to answer that hahahahahaahhaaaaa)

My current T seems to think that I'll get to a point where I won't need (twice) weekly therapy, but this man doesn't know that I've already accepted that I'm a lifer. Maybe just not with him.

I'm a lifer too! I hope I can stay with L (she might have to move ). I don't really want to go back to T. It's been too long that I have forgotten my connection with her. L thinks it will come back if/when I have sessions with T again. But I don't want T! I want L!!!

I had PT today right across the street from L's office. Her car was parked out front. Made me so sad. I was so close to her and yet so far away

I shared a piece of my (young) childhood with L today - brought in a copy of the Dr Seuss book "I had trouble in getting to Solla Sollew". It came out in 1965 and I got it for Christmas that year (it has my grandma's handwriting in the front with the date so that's how I know). I read her a few of the pages and showed her some of the pictures haha and told her the whole book kind of feels like a metaphor for the stuff we slogged and fought through for the past 9 years and that now I feel akin to the main character at the very end of the book when he goes back home feeling stronger and more determined with a big stick and says "my troubles are going to have trouble with ME!" She said she was really glad I had brought that book in, she hadn't seen it before. It was one of my two most favorite books as a little girl. That and "Becky Ann Visits Storybook Land". I read her that one way back during year 1 haha.

Watching Hitchcock again led me to an online copy of the 1948 Collier's magazine. Half of the cartoons were so blatantly racist or sexist! Life wasnt so different then.

There was a cartoon of a couple approaching a restaurant, the woman says, "now this place really has atmosphere!" And you see the waiters inside wearing gas masks. THAT was WEIRD!!!

I never thought i would leave. But after forty years, i had had enough!

LOL. Last night i dreamed about my t so hard! It went on and on and on. I almost called him today to talk about it. But i wont call until i clean my house.

Speaking of old stuff - i ordered a place setting of the dishes my parents had when i was growing up. And received them. So weird. First i smelled milk. Not from them, it was just the sense memory. Then i heard my name. Like being called for dinner. Like it was the only time i heard my name spoken, at dinnertime. I remember i hated when my dad bought the new dish set, i always wanted to set my place with the old ones.

I love that you can relate to the main character and you can see how you've grown and come. I listened to the book on youtube. Surprisingly iI've never heard of this book before. On Amazon there's only one supplier offering it for £8.30 + £2.80 for delivery when most of the other books are as low as £4.00.

How long were you with your last T for?

How do you feel about the memory?

12 years ish?

Re memory - yeah surprised mostly! Its like being given a second chance to process what had been ignored.

Wow.

How do you feel like you've grown? Sorry for all the questions just feeling soppy at the moment.

I hope you can call him later on in the day.

Benchmarks! I could see benchmark differences every few years, that i handled e.g. lunch with a gf differently, or something in therapy improved or changed measurably. So mostly in terms of my relationships. I used to be weirdly nervous just going to the apartment rental office - not anymore.

Day 3 of work. It’s really hectic. I’m starting to get grumpy.

My very favorite illustration from the book (that has always been my favorite from childhood forward) actually is pretty much a cartoon drawing of a recent dream L and I worked on last week. I didn't even REALIZE it, too funny, but when I showed her that page yesterday she exclaimed with a big smile "That's like your dream!!" I was like - OMG it totally is I didn't even make the connection. If the book weren't 70 some odd pages I would have read the whole thing to her yesterday

Maybe you can do reading to her in the last 5 mins of each session.

Artie bean what are you buying yourself for christmas this year?

Hope you can rest in between your shifts.

I can't imagine how bad it is for working doctors right now.

Well done on all your hard work too. Baby steps do add up!

That's a fun idea, I will try to remember that for when we reconvene in mid to late January.


I am going to buy myself a lighted crochet hook set - I have such a hard time crocheting with dark-colored yarns unless I'm in a very bright location. The lighted hooks will be awesome!

What about you? I hope you plan to spoil yourself with something for Christmas!

How do you feel about the upcoming break?

Oooh that does sound lovely. Wish I also knew how to make stuff. Have you already tried making blankets?

I wanted just a small box of Ferrero rochers which I bought last week.They vanished within two days.

She asked me that question, wondered if I felt like she was abandoning me. I said very honestly, no, not at all, and told her that overall she's been the epitome of consistency for me for a long time and that I truly hope she has a wonderful time on her trip. She's never taken this long of a vacation in the 9 years that I've seen her and I she totally deserves it. I also told her I plan to keep our session time for myself every week the rest of this month and have been planning what I will do during that time.

Yep, I make afghans (blankets) too. Not as often as smaller stuff because they take longer, but I've made at least a couple dozen of them in the last 30 years of varying sizes. I wish I could make a pair of slippers for each of my couchies! It's a fun pattern. I'm so fortunate that my grandma taught me to crochet when I was young. I don't know that I would have been able to teach myself, as I have zero patience with myself. She had an angel's patience with me. (As does L, most of the time.)

I'm glad you got yourself some chocolates! I haven't had that kind in years, one Christmas as a previous job our boss gave us a little gift box of them, they were so yummy!

I have assigned Miss Penelope a middle name - she is Penelope Ann Pitstop now. Heehee

I'm having a sleep study tonight. I hope I have a nightmare and/or talk in my sleep so they can see some of my issues. And I hope I don't have sleep apnea. Even though I'm already dead tired, I'm worried my homesickness will get the best of me and won't let me sleep. That or all the stuff they're putting on me. I'm bringing L's blanlet to hopefully comfort me some. And I'm going to miss sleeping with my dogs! I haven't spent the night without a dog for over 10 years!

I really hope it goes well, Scarlet and that you are able to fall asleep. I'm sure having L's blanket there will be helpful. Can you bring pictures of your dogs that you can look at as you fall asleep? And a stuffed animal or something? I would, in fact I did when I had surgery last year, I brought my little black dog stuffed animal that I've had since I was 2, because it's such a comfort to me.

If it's not too late, Scarlet, it's really helpful to bring your own pillow from home, that way you can get comfortable in the bed. I hope it goes well, and though I would never wish for someone to have a nightmare, I hope they're able to capture a true picture of what your sleeping is like.

I brought L's blanket and my knee pillow. I was able to sleep about 6 hours. They had to put the cpap on me because I do have sleep apnea The cpap wasn't too bad until it slipped down and was leaking air. The noise woke me up and I couldn't fall back asleep. I won't know the full results until the 23rd. I don't think I had a nightmare or talked in my sleep, but I did dream so that's good. Well, it's better to know than not know.