Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Just a huge THANK YOU!

Hi T. I hope something *real and meaningful* pops in my head this week to talk about. I mean, besides the continuing conversation we've been having.

New T,

I don't want to talk to you tomorrow. I'll tell you anything you ask. My speech and cadence is weird and I get embarrassed by it. It's not like you wont go through the list of symptoms and an hour is a long time to keep a positive conversation and not get irritable or agitated. I can't pace and talk like I did with pdoc. 2 weeks ago I almost went IP. Friday they almost put me IP. Now our first meeting. If your good you'll read my file and know before I see you that this will be interesting hour.

I think I'll start by apologizing to you about my speech and cadence. So you know from the get go that I'm sorry. I'm taking a prn before we meet.

i'm really messed up here -> to contact you or not.....

[like it would matter anyway ] -> man this makes my head hurt....

Apparently this is the season where everything I've buried or brushed aside comes home to roost. It is gruelling.

I'm wondering even more strongly now if those things I emailed you on Saturday are true. If they are, there's gonna be a good bit of shame over it. Holy smokes. Why do you put up with me?

Wish we could have talked more today, but it couldn’t be helped. I’m just hoping what we started today isn’t going to be for nothing.

Other T actually opened some more evening slots for thurs and friday and the thing is now that he actually has some- I don't want one.

After 4 years of therapy I actually feel like I can cope on my own.

Two hour walk today with J by the river.

Dear T,
I miss my friend...

Also, I can't decide whether to bring up that one thing you said that bothered me last session. I'm not sure it's worth getting into. Well, it's not so much that. It's more that I'm not sure you'll understand my thoughts on it, on why, as a female, it bothers me.

Love,
LT

Confused that you asked why my mum thinks my dad is evil. Have you forgotten what I told you? What we talked about for hours, what haunts me every day? If so I can't bring it up again. That sucks.

Is it a good thing that you can now read my body language and facial expressions? On one hand you seem to know when we need to slow down. On the other hand, you now know when I am avoiding talking about something that is one mind. Kind of nice you know me so well but discomforting at the same time. Thank you for always saying that if I am not comfortable talking about whatever it is you understand and will not pry. I suspect, though, you also know that if you say that, I will talk about it.

PS, thank you for saying that I am the perfect client because I do confront the hard topics and work hard. I do wonder though if being the perfect client goes back to my childhood when I decided to be the perfect child after being compared to my trouble maker brother.

I'm really sad about my past and how much more work I need to do to heal. I'm scared you'll get tired of me.

I don't want to have to bring the current situation up. Please acknowledge my email.
I would like to scream, but I cannot do that.

12th week without therapy this friday and £534 saved.

Honestly wish I got out so much sooner. Though I did also skip 6 sessions over december so that's £267 too.

Dear T,
It means a lot that you replied to me last night, even if what you said was only moderately helpful. Like, how do you know I won't get sick? Might have been good for you to say that if I did, I'd get through it. But maybe you thought it would be unhelpful to tell me that.


But it does mean a lot that you tried, and some of your words were certainly helpful. Maybe you can help me come up with words to talk to H and D about it more as well. And maybe we need to do a bit of work in this area. I imagine it could be particularly important considering I plan to return to eating out more, and that's an area where I tend to have anxiety about it.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Survived my GYN appointment! Was basically having a panic attack the whole time (heart rate above 100, up to 120 at times) but I got through it. At one point, I tried to picture you smiling at me. (
Couldn't really use the stone considering I was naked except for the gown...)

Now to spend the next 24 h continuing my panic about getting stomach bug (or my panic at getting it, if symptoms start).
Love,
LT

'You have the ability to swim' was a powerful reminder today.
I'm feeling the full weight of everything, especially as things deteriorated after session.

Crying is cleansing, right?

Thanks for replying to my email.

'That's what it's all about' is something I definitely need to remember.
Therapy is one place where emotions are OK.
I need to learn not to be afraid of mine.

New exam in 26 days and I'm honestly just back to feeling exhausted and low.

If I also wanted to now book a session with G I would have to wait until the 15th, because I didn't book before.

Hey L - I won't be emailing you. If anything comes up, I will hold it inside myself. And I'm going to try that writing thing I came up with, too. AND I will work some more with Ellie, her cousin, and the snake!

And, no. It wasn't a mistake.

As time passes, your remark about borrowing pain makes more and more sense.
I'm finding it hard to believe that I also get to have my own experience of this.

Dear T,
Not doing well with the whole emetophobia thing. D's illness seems to have brought it back in full force. H is getting carryout tonight for him and D at a place I like, but I passed, because I don't want to risk getting something then getting sick and never being able to eat there again. I know I should theoretically be out of the woods in getting her illness, based on timelines I've read online, but I don't really believe that I am. Hope you can help me some with this Monday.
Love,
LT

Today is May 1st, you know how much I hate May. I know you are okay with me texting you for support but I just want to turn inwards but at the same time I need you. UGH

When I ask myself what I need, it's almost like a computer when it freezes.
Takes a while to get an answer.