Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I just cancelled the session I made with G. I don't feel ready for therapy with anyone else. If the truth be told it was just making me more anxious. Plus as it's 10 days in advance I don't feel guilty- he could fill it up with someone else. My sister's T asks for 48 hours in advance.

Dear Dr. K. I did more of your homework. Blah. I hate you a little bit right now. But I don't really know you so I think I am just hating the homework. Kit

Thanks L for today. It was lovely.

It can be hard to have the session I need to have with somebody else in the house.
This was one of those times. Our next session falls on my birthday, so I am tempted to keep it light, but that really isn't the point.

It was nice to see you in person rather than on OTN. Thanks for the chocolate.

I think i truly hate this! and yet it makes it easier to turn away from you and still talk. I cant feel your presence so its easier and harder. Gosh only indefinately to go !!

I will miss you tomorrow, but I completely understand, and I am so sorry about your kitty.

I'm looking forward to going through my old sand tray pictures. Well, I'm assuming they don't go too far back, because the last time I asked about them you said the oldest ones were lost. Maybe you have more recent ones. I don't care how far back they go I would like to go through them with you and get copies of them to put in my journals! I wish I'd asked what prompted you to bring that up now. I also wish I'd taken a picture of yesterday's sand tray because like I told you at the time, it felt pretty darn magical the way it came together. It felt alive. With only a little bit of imagination I could "see" everything in there start to move.


p.s. I almost admitted it to you yesterday but stopped myself - that one figure I put next to the cross? I always, always use her I know and that's because she reminds me of you. You may already know that.

hi t. I'm already nervous about tomorrow's appt, because I feel out of things to talk about. you are good about filling in the silences, but STILL. you must be sick of me and my nonsense by now.

Thank you for being you. I suspect you traveled to your home state to see your mom for mother's day. Usually I ask but I forgot this time. Honestly,with the issue we are dealing with right now, I don't think I really wanted to know. Your text the other day makes me think you are and that you think I knew.

I'm thinking of you today and hoping your day, although terribly painful, is peaceful. I will miss our session today.

I feel today was very helpful even if the main things we talked about weren’t really therapy related. Next session should be really interesting, considering where we had to leave off today. And I hope you didn’t have too much trouble clearing the mess up from us unwrapping your big parcel!

Oh, T. I was all worried about what i’d talk about today, and then you had to cancel today and i’m super bummed. What is wrong w me?!

Dear T,
I don't just miss being in your office and it being a safe space. I miss being in your physical presence, too. You've talked before about the "energy" that's there when people are in a room together. I think that's what I miss with you. I wanted to email to tell you that and to confirm that it's OK with you that I feel that way. But it can hold until Monday. And I imagine you would be understanding about it. It did mean a lot that you apologized today, like actually said the words "I apologize for..." (and not like "I'm sorry you feel that way") in terms of your saying a date and having to pull back on it. It seems like you're kind of sad about the delay, too. And that helps.

Love,
LT

One, I think this cockamamie scheme you’ve plotted isn’t going to go as swimmingly as you think it is. I said I’ll drink the Kool-aid, but I definitely have my reservations. I am deeply touched by how willing you are to do this work with me and to do it safely.

I had this feeling of concern at how flexible you’ve been with me and how that may impact your life and well-being. It led me to a thorough internet sleuthing that revealed quite a bit about who you are as a human. I’ve known you for about 8 months and I know who you are. And I know what I know about people who have affiliations that you do. I’m having a hard time reconciling the truth I know about you and my preconceived notions of the group you are a member of.

Dear T,
Aw, I appreciate the "Happy Mother's Day" you added to your reply to my scheduling question. (Had to keep myself from replying "you too!" out of habit...)

Love,
Lt

Dear T,

I hope you are back this week. I also hope you are feeling better. I miss you and need to talk to you, im not feeling my best these days.
Love
Cheryl

Including this week (wk 14) it will be £623 not spent on therapy.

I'm okay just feeling exhausted as usual.

First half of my paeds exam in 17 days.

Happy Mother's Day, L! Of course I know you're not my mother but I have 'used' you as a good-enough mother for long enough that I feel like it needs to be said.

I miss our hugs.

Kinda looking forward to session, and yet, I am not. With this realization with my mom, and deciding to talk to her about it, I kinda want to ask you to be there. Still having a hard time procesing it. Can it be treated like a slap or is it more than that, but less than abuse, not sure. Parts of me are still all over the place, and trying to figure it out. i need you to do that with me. I hope I can explain all this come thursday. Thanks for the Happy Mothers day you included in your reminder text. the touch of flowers was an added happy. Thanks.

Dear T,

I hope you reply to my email.

Ugh we think you're tired of our slow progress.

It's funny that I remember my very first sand tray. I felt so silly playing in the sand with you watching and as I recall I didn't do very much with it. i've forgotten so many of them but a few I remember. i'm glad you mentioned the other day that when sketching my sand tray it's important to include the box itself, the boundary, whatever you called it. I hadn't realized that before.

Sure, I'm concerned about you, but I figure you're doing pretty much okay. Maybe not? I appreciated the call, but I wish I was doing better, too.

Hi R,

Just wanted to thank you again for introducing me to Dr. Edith Eger's work. Turns out she's giving an online talk on my birthday, so I've signed up to get the recording.

See you on Thursday - I will work on the part of me that thinks it's weird to keep a therapy appointment on my birthday in the meantime.

Best wishes,

Lost