Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

after 'seeing'/ realizing how many times we met in the past year or two, that makes me want to 'stop' or limit things --> as in it scares the h**l out of me!!!!!!

[the high numbers is something i do NOT want to duplicate]

i don't want to 'need' anyone that much - even if you are a T and the 'need' is warranted

Me and new T have a different relationship then I did with old T. I think I’m able to be more relaxed and show more emotion around her. Old T was such a blank slate. I told my t yesterday I thought old T was hot and I would never tell old T anyone was “hot” let alone her.

Info, did not need those sa memories coming up. ATAT

And once again we go through the same rupture because of a break in sessions. Why don’t you get that the session before I am going to be angry and push you away and perhaps actually try to deal with it head on rather than trying to avoid and pretend it isn’t happening. Then maybe it wouldn’t happen every single freaking time. It’s like you don’t understand why breaks cause me to be hurt and feel abandoned and worthless. Like you think I’m over reacting. Now I get to spend three weeks yet again agonising over whether I should bother to come back. I hate you right now.

Hey exT today was the 2nd anniversary of you letting me go and i deleted all the photos i found of you and a lot of your youtube videos. It felt right and i managed to not think of you much at all. Goodbye!

hi. i'm kinda looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, and kinda not. Not sure what that is about!

Okay, that's not entirely true.

New T,
Tread lightly I'm skittish. I need your help though. I don't know how we're going to get through this initial "getting to know you" period. Not over the phone. I wanted to wait but I'm a mess.

I love that you are able to spend the weekend with you parents. I am also very jealous that you get to spend the weekend with your mom. It has been 20 years years since my Mom was alive to spend holidays with her beloved family.

You know what I've been thinking about a lot today? When you said not long ago that I make it very difficult for people to be in relationship with me. You're right, of course, I get that, I'm just always so afraid of how other people are going to react or what they're going to think about me that they're going to hate me or whatever that I hide hide hide. And that's how you are interpreting my "I don't knows" isn't it? By sticking that on the end of almost everything I say, it's like I'm afraid to just let mySelf be out there. I have to put a condition on it. Which puts doubt in people's minds "well is that what she really thinks or not? who is she?" I'm sorry I do that to you. I have been working really hard lately not to say "I don't know."

I changed my mind. I am totally looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I have much to share.

I'm grateful that we will talk on the first April anniversary date. I am a little apprehensive about managing the second, but needs must.

I hate it that I still sometimes hear "I think you are stupid" instead of the actual words the other person has just said. How do I stop doing that, L? It doesn't happen with everyone I talk to, and it doesn't happen all the time, but dammit, I hate it when it does because I feel so defective. It happened again yesterday and I'm still playing it over in my head this morning. I know you've seen it happen with you as well except it's not "You are stupid" that I hear instead of your words, but "You are wrong."

Dear T,
I’m not sure I will ever be able to express what I need in a therapy setting as alongside the feeling of an intolerable amount of shame, too often I know those needs would be viewed as overstepping boundaries. The way I see it is that rigid, firm boundaries with no flexibility are more about being beneficial to the therapist rather than the client. I’m not saying boundaries shouldn’t exist because they should, but every client is different and they need different things to be able to move forward. For example I absolutely know that appropriate and well thought through self disclosure from you is something that would help me to trust, feel safe and be able to talk more freely in sessions. Talking to a blank slate doesn’t feel relational, it doesn’t feel like I am making a connection with someone and it reinforces the power imbalance that I already feel in the room and consequently there is only so much trust and safety I can gain from this. But I recognise that my need for you to be more ‘human’ would be breaking that rigid boundary even though it would be beneficial in building a secure therapeutic relationship so I’m not going to rock the boat by expressing that need .
You regularly ask what I need when I am triggered in session but again what I need is not something you will be willing to give. When I am in that state there are two things that I think may help. First is physical closeness and touch. So having someone sit close next to me and maybe just a hand on my arm. In most situations touch is actually a very complex thing for me to deal with, but because when I am triggered I can’t move, struggle to speak and get a ringing sensation in my ears that makes voices seem distant and far away, I think that physical presence would help me realise that I wasn’t alone and would ground me. The second thing would be getting verbal reassurance. So ‘I’m with you, I care about you, you are not on your own, I’m going nowhere, you’re safe, I can see how distressed you are and what you’re feeling is completely normal.’ But again I know all of the above would be seen as breaking ethical boundaries so what’s the point in asking and then experiencing such horrific rejection that I would struggle to recover it from when you say no.
And to be honest if I have to ask for these things then it wouldn’t feel like they were genuine anyway, it would feel fake and like it was forced compassion and you are only doing it because I asked rather than meaning it.
So yeah, expressing needs seems pointless when you know they will just be met with rejection and you will be scalded and shamed for trying to break boundaries. And I have no choice in these boundaries, I have to comply. I am not to make a fuss or cause trouble for the fear of being told not to come back or being labelled as difficult. And that becomes a massive trigger for that same feeling of being utterly powerless that I experienced during all of the trauma that I endured as a child.

thanks for the reminder text.

I’m missing old T today. Pretty badly. No idea why. I think I’ve made so much progress this last month because I terminated things with old T. I really need to move so I can be with new T in her office. I think that will get old T out of my mind completely. When I was looking for houses last weekend old T barely crossed my mind all 3 days and my only thought about her was “so???”

Right now I just wish that I'd left sooner.

Going through my online account statements, we only had 5 sessions between December to the 4th of feb.

Good session today, L. Not easy, but it was good work going so much deeper into the backyard dream. But dang it, I'm feeling that pull to independence again. That feeling of needing to ask you again I don't want that. I absolutely don't. Yet, I can't seem to just ask the question why has our ending not been planned and talked about from the beginning?

I want to play this song for you.

Ah so I am writing you another poem asking the question that I can't make myself ask. Dare I bother you and send it tonight, especially considering we're not meeting again til the 16th? Ah poo.

I suppose it should be alarming, Info, that I



But nah. It was a classic Aristotelian purifying of the emotions.

I know your just moving, and we are still going to do virtual. I can't bare to tell you just how this is affecting me. I know I broke down towards the end of session, and that emails are being written with no need. Its just that what the office offered is someting virtual cant, and I can't get myself to say it. Parts of me are absolutely devasted; while others are just shutdown. Maybe some dont even care. I know that your moving has been weighting heavy on my mind, and with it all the regrets I have for not allowing myself to try again in asking you for a simple hug, but you damn hurt me when I asked, and you said, No, unless your sure that all parts of mind are aware, and can and will let go. I know and made it very apparent after that I would NEVER ask you again No matter how much I wanted one. It was not going to happen. And now I damn regret it, not asking and trying to work on it. I would like to ask you for a hug good bye. I can't. I hate that I know where you live. I hate that I have been the most open with you vs any other therapist. I hate that I care and feel so attached. I am not sure if I want to talk about this anymore. In a way I feel as though I went through it in Jan and it was unbareable . I wish that the one thing virtual did for me at one point would come back and make all this that much easier.

You seem to be really focused on my autism. More then anything else. Autistic people can be pretty interesting clients for therapists. I don’t know why though.

so focused on music and listening a lot to Amy Lee. She is my go to band when I am missing you for some reason. A beer and Amy Lee !!

Dear T,
While looking up something to post on this music thread on Youtube, I came across a video recording of one of the songs I associate with ex-MC from the actual concert that I attended just before sending the "I love you so much" email that led to the rupture that ended the relationship. It...affected me a bit. Not like I'm crying or anything, but like I saw it and sort of froze. Not sure what I'm feeling right now. And don't know if it's worth actually talking about tomorrow--I'll see if I'm still thinking about it then.

Oh...and I think today is actually the 3-year anniversary of when we terminated with him. I know this not because I'd remembered the exact date (I'm sure that will surprise you), but someone else had posted about termination anniversary a couple days ago, and I was like, "I think mine was around then" and looked it up, to find it was today. I guess I just thought I'd managed to pretty much vanquish the feelings, but...well, I don't know what I'm feeling right now. It's not a positive feeling, but I don't know how to characterize it, I suppose?


Love,
LT