Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I'm nervous about my presentation today and actually thought I made a mistake cancelling the therapy session on the 15th.

Just three more days to get through for the rest of this week.

I really hate when you use CBT. That is all for now.

I survived! Just exhausted. The lead doc was nice and made jokes that he couldn't hear me and not to be nervous. Easy said then done in front of 21 people, but I also noticed that he flipped his chair around instead of facing me towards the others like he was doing with the first girl. I've wanted to be done with school for so long and now the moments finally here and I feel sad that it's over and everything's changing. I've actually grown attached to everyone in my group, despite trying hard not in the first year. Last teaching week and scrolling through instagram it feels like I've lived a lifetime in this year alone.

Trying to breathe, and work, and look forward to my birthday.



In spite of it being my birthday on Thursday, I think I might need you to remind me (again) that there is absolutely no pressure for me to keep it together.

I've kept this appointment for a reason.

Please lets have a good helpful appointment today!

Why is it always awkward when I least expect it? Probably shouldn't have brought the drawing in. I have no idea how I'm getting through each day.

Please don't cancel our appointment on Thursday! I'm not having the easiest time of it and really need to see you.

Who is this other bozo you are setting me up with? She looks like a cave dweller, something which, under different circumstances, I would appreciate about someone. This tribe of yours is very strange.

Dear T,
I'm not sure how to process your willingness to talk to me tonight. I mean, I know I'll be billed for it. But that's OK. I just...I assumed you'd just say you'd talk to me Friday. Or possibly, if you had an opening tomorrow, offer me another session. Not that you'd talk to me at 8:40 on a Wednesday. I worry you think it wasn't a big enough deal, but you said you could tell I was really distressed. So that helps, I think? But...thank you. It means a lot.
Love,
LT

Your dedication and willingness to go above and beyond the last month or so has triggered this intense shame in me. I don’t feel like any part of me is worth this. Yet it seems so natural and effortless for you to do the things that you’ve done. It’s given me a new perspective on what it means to be present for clients. I can see this period in our work greatly influencing the way that I work with clients in the future.

what's the point of anything any more.........

I can’t believe I did that. This pain is awful. I don’t know how to survive it. 2 months of horrendous sessions and I think I’m done, I don’t see a way forward and I’m not sure you do either. Maybe we really will never meet again. The little ones worst fears realised. Trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma. I’m too broken and now I’m alone with all of this and i have no idea what to do with it

I wish I truly felt, and believed, that I am doing as well as you keep telling me I am. I'm trying to be objective, though.

Dear T,
It occurred to me today that last night was probably the first time you've seen me intoxicated. Like, you've seen me after one drink before, but not after a few. I feel sort of awkward about that now. Kind of...exposed. And embarrassed. Maybe that needs to be a part of the discussion tomorrow, too...

Love,
LT

Hi T. Hope everything is good, and we have session tomorrow. I'm not doing great this week and hoping talking to you will help.

Frankly, I’m glad to not see you until next week. 4 hours of therapy in a week is just too much. And I am eternally grateful for your willingness to walk this path with me for now.

I rebooked the session I cancelled for tomorrow. New T G emailed on the 12th asking If there was anything he could do to support me.

Then in another email in response to mine with all of this validation stuff. It just seems so fake and his response makes me want to cancel again. It's tomorrow at 10am.

If I'm being honest I feel scared.and my b***** attitude is just a front. I don't think I deserve kidness. My head is messy can I really get paeds done? What about after that with my retake internal exam?

"What if it hurts like hell?"

Then it will hurt like hell.

I hope our first in person session goes well. It will be pretty weird for me to be in an office because I’ve only had 2 in person sessions since March 16th 2020. I’m wondering what to wear and if you’d like one of my button up shirts since you like to non judge mentally comment on my shirts. Also will you be eating anything?

Dear T,
Thank you for being warm and understanding today. And for joking around a bit. I still feel awkward about your seeing me that way, but I actually wonder if it ultimately was a good thing for you to see me in that state? You said I seemed much more emotional than I typically am. So maybe it's good in a way that you got to see "Uncensored LT"? That maybe it helped you understand better how I can crash emotionally at times.
Love,
LT
PS: Happy Belated Birthday!

Why are you doing this?

I miss the way things were but I also miss my sanity.

I am horrified by the fact that you people have managed to convince some clients that therapists know whether someone is of sound mind and that it is something to force others to submit to regardless of their own desires. You people have quite the racket going on. Belgium and Germany are so much more civilized than the united states where your lobbyists have gained you people control over innocent citizens. The best thing is when I sue you people and win for some poor person a therapist harmed. Nothing makes me happier than bringing you people down.

Hi T. Today's session was good. Hard, but good.You are funny too. I still can't believe I told you I care about you and our relationship, AND there was no backlash on it. You just said "I hope so!" and reassured me it was ok and normal. Thanks T.

Thanks for not judging when I told you why I always use that one sand tray figure in my sand trays. I was not really surprised when you told me that you have always identified with it. Because to me, it has always been a representation of you. Hmm. I just figured something out.

Anyway not that I expected judgement from you, I guess I actually expected it from me, as in, that I would feel embarrassed about you knowing. But I didn't. At all.

Thank you for helping me find myself again by continuing to gently push me toward getting back in the water. And for introducing me to you-know-who last week ! And I'm SOOOOO glad you understood what I meant.

Can we drum together next week? I'd really like to bring my drum and spend a little time doing that with you.

Is a 4am email ever a good idea? I know it’s Saturday but i really hope you reply. In so much pain. I wish I could be put to sleep.