Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

It’s my birthday tomorrow. I wish you knew, I wish you cared. I wish I wasn’t lying in bed listening to part of me repeatedly wishing themselves dead. I wish things could just be peaceful, just for a bit. At least I have the baby whale as some comfort for the littlest ones who still believe in you.

I miss our hugs.

Hi T. I am SO nervous for our session on Friday. If I was in your office, I'd be hiding under a blanket. I know you said you are not upset with me at all, but what if you have changed your mind? Also, I have no idea how I'm going to talk about what I e-mailed you.

H saus everything will be better once we talk. I don't think so. I feel betrayed and abandoned by you today. I waited and waited and waited for even just a morsel to help me through today. Nothing! You gave me nothing. I don't think you can make it all better. Not this time.

Replying to your email which I never asked for has left me unsettled. I hate the constant inbox checking and for that reason alone I'm so glad I'm not in therapy anymore.

Also £756.5 saved .

I want to go off some of my medication and I don't want you to give me "that look." This is my body and my life and I'm tired of a doctor owning me.

I'm sorry that I am drawing you into a back and forth email exchange right after telling you I didn't want to draw you into a back and forth email exchange. I just hate myself and my stupid feelings.

Ugh feeling and expressing emotions is WAY over rated. I can't handle this right now.

I take it back, I'm not sorry, I don't think you have the right to make unilateral decisions about what is good for me. Just **** off.

So your reaction to what RoboT did made me sad. What if I wanted a hug someday?

Another week off? Nice to have a job in which you can just announce that you're taking the week off and too bad for your clients. When I have to miss 3 sessions I lose the whole point of the thing.

Thank you for your support today.

I am sorry that I floundered right at the end. I appreciated your instruction to give myself a hug 'because that's the only way I have of giving you a hug right now.'

Just one thing - it's never going to be tight enough to replicate the safety I feel in my most vulnerable moments when we're in the same room.

Please don't worry about the parcel - it gave me time to collect myself.

Lots of love,

Lost

Looking forward to talking tomorrow. I better get this homework done tonight... I did recall/write down one dream this week, and it was last night. I will work on that one first since it is the freshest in my mind.

Dear T,
I feel really exhausted tonight, and it occurred to me that I really put myself out there this week. Got a mammogram Tuesday, then went to have lunch outside (we already discussed that briefly). Yesterday, picked up D from school, then went out to dinner with just her last night. Then today, I got a haircut (though I basically had a panic attack all through that). And this after being out there over the weekend. Tomorrow, I think I will just relax at home. I mean, have virtual session with you and do some work, but take it fairly easy.


I wonder what, if anything, you'll say about my haircut? I'm sure you'll at least say "Your hair's shorter," but any other sort of comment? Maybe you'll just ask me how I feel about it.


Love,
LT

Dear Old T,

I can't even read your last email to me. It's like I don't want to close that chapter, even though I know it became unhealthy.

Sometimes I miss that ambiguous, weirdly unprofessional space that we were in -


- even though I know it was wrong of you and that you could get in trouble for it.

I'm still a bit protective of you.


I don't quite tell New T how many sessions we actually had.


I have been slowly telling her how enmeshed we were, though.


I've read about worse, on these forums.

But just because I've read about worse, doesn't mean it wasn't bad.


Do you even realize that any of it was "bad," Old T?

Or are you still in your delusional fantasy-land, painting it as all good, because I "needed" that much therapy?

Do you think you "re-parented" me?

Did you "re-parent" me?

Or did you just screw me up even more?

Do you feel the latest change in our relationship? I do.

I can't get you out of my thoughts tonight.

I need to write this somewhere otherwise I risk going down the rabbit hole. I understand the scanty detail, but it obviously leaves me with lots of questions that will never be answered...
It was hard going from two sessions a week to one, but we did it. Then you have a short break away last week. I got back onto an even keel and I am glad about that. I was looking forward to seeing you next week though, to starting again? I had some stuff written to go through. But today you send me a text. You have had a bereavement. I am really sorry about that. On your week off too. You won't be able to meet on Tuesday now. I know it's none of my business but I am wondering and worried about who it is. One of the downsides of knowing more about your family than I probably should is that I then worry, when things like this happen. I just have to try and tell myself that I will never know. I have to try and respect you and your privacy especially at a time when you are dealing with (possibly, probably) the heartache of losing a loved one. Parent? Not sure, given what I have gleaned. Child? Grandchild? God I really hope not. Distant relative? Not sure that would cause you to miss a week of work though.
So, to myself. Let T work through her own life. It is not my problem or my responsibility. Life happens. Good, bad, happy, sad. T knows that. She is hopefully able to grieve, to deal with it, but that needs time and she is doing the right thing for her by taking that time. And the right thing by me trying to explain that the reason for cancelling is with her, not me. In doing the right thing for her she will hopefully be in a position to help others again one day. And maybe teaching me that sometimes it's ok to take that time. To say "I can't".

For someone who is supposedly on my side, you cause a lot of distress

I’m glad you’re not one of those counsellors who pushes someone to answer a question they don’t actually have the answer said type of counsellor assumes they do, and it will come out when client cracks under the pressure of being asked. The last person I saw seemed kind of insistent that I knew why I felt the way I did with my ex. I couldn’t find the words to explain that was actually what I was hoping she’d help me figure out.

I'm just pissed off that you're taking at least a week off with 1 days notice. Makes me feel like trashing the whole thing.

Dear T,
Drafted an email saying let's plan to meet in person outside Monday, despite the cicadas. Then I decided to step outside. Experienced the noise, saw various cicadas flying around. Came back inside. Saved email as draft. Will see how I'm feeling/cicada level come Sunday.
Love,
LT

I wish you weren't my comfort person because right now you are also the cause of my anxiety so thinking about you doesn't help.

Thanks for today. The shamanic work was excellent and I think it is going to prove helpful. I loved how similar part of each of our experiences was. I am especially happy about the sand play that happened as I was about to leave. Although it was totally spontaneous and much abbreviated, at last I got my long-ago wish.

Changes are definitely afoot, my dear T.

Can you ever adapt to different answers than you expect, Info? I tell you repeatedly that I regretted sharing my poems with my writing group because then they would know me and you kept turning that into “they’ll judge me,” even though those two things are not the same and I corrected you repeatedly.