Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hi T. I am really unsettled after our session today, and don't even know why.

I would have liked a response back to my last email, but I've accepted it now. Maybe it was my fault for leaving it open and saying that I would contact you. It was my get away line I used with the T I saw before you.

Anyway there's more to life then just therapy and obsessing over you.

Instances like this highlight the power differential between us and I hate this lack of control which I experience. I want to control you and I want you to be only what I decide you can be. Of course, I am hurt and I feel desperate. And of course, I am expressing this pain through my hostility and unpleasantness towards you. I meant it when I said I hate working with you. I do hate it. I hate that you are important to me and how easily this reveals my vulnerability. I hope I have ruined your day, although no doubt you have shrugged off this morning and you are not giving me second thought beyond how vile I am.

*You* were annoyed and frustrated?! *You* were??! Are you for real?? What the hell was that email? Do you understand what is happening here? Your arrogance is impressive, even by your egocentric standards.

I went out and bought a picture frame this morning for that one picture. It looks good on my desk and will help keep me grounded when work is rough.

Thank you for responding today. It felt weird to reach out to you like that, but...it was necessary.

Dear T,
Well, that conversation about wanting to be more involved in parenting with H went very poorly... Nothing like a date night ending with us walking silently to our cars, my heading home, his heading out someplace else for a bit before picking up D. I don't know what I did wrong. I tried to communicate well. But he took it poorly. I wish I'd recorded it or something, so you could hear how I tried. Because I really did. (Or maybe so you could help me understand how I f-ed up, if I did?) You'll just have to take my word for it.

I just feel devalued as both a wife and a mother right now. (It also came up that he thinks I'm taking on too much work, which, I can decide on that for myself, thanks.) And this is why I tend to avoid these types of conversations with him...

I want to email you, but I won't. I wish I was seeing you tomorrow instead of Monday, but this isn't the sort of thing where I'd feel comfortable asking you if you had any openings tomorrow. Especially because, if you did, H would know what it was about.

Love,
LT

I think I am beginning to understand what you were saying yesterday about my Mom. You've never met her of course except through what I've told you, but I think you're spot on. I hadn't thought of that before. But it makes a lot of sense. And I don't have to do anything with it other than know (and remember) it, which is helping me in the department of not caring so much about her disapproval of my moving. This work with my negative animus is difficult and a little confusing but it's good too. I ordered that book you recommended. Couldn't find it at the library. It's not on kindle so I have to wait for the actual book to get here but from the description, I think you're right, it will be helpful for me to read. The 2nd one, not the robert johnson one. I have already forgotten the title.

It's weird, L. Sometimes I feel like I would like to come twice a week and really deep-dive into this animus stuff. How fascinating it all is. But then, other times I'm wanting to work on my dreams myself and read that book and learn and absorb and have a couple weeks off from therapy. It's fantasy anyway coming more often because I can't afford that and h would have a fit. I'm not going to stop weekly just yet, but at some point I think I'm going to want to talk about reducing sessions again. Those 'winds of change' have blown through my life and taken with them things I no longer need, that no longer serve me, and I'm feeling good. Our shamanic work yesterday helped me let go of a couple of things that I've been needing to let go of and I woke up this morning feeling happy and free. Today I am finally allowing myself to be excited and happy about my new home. It helped showing you pictures yesterday and hearing your excitement for me.

Thank you times a million for sticking with me. I'll get there. I will. I am!

The tiredness runs deep today - deeper than usual, I mean.

I really think that I can do this with your support, and at the same time I’m beyond frustrated and want to quit and never talk to you again.

You are not here.

Sessions with you really piss me off, and it pissed me off that when I brought that up last session you responded with "I needed more intensive treatment." I hate how I bring up something like "I have too much energy/agitation" and you respond with something like "do something to get your energy out." Like no dipshit Sherlock, I've only been trying to do that every episode of elevation since I developed them. What did you think I was doing? Knitting? Reading? HA! Sometimes you make me feel like the only bipolar person you've treated, and since you're a therapist that makes me feel kinda broken and alone with this. Also, enough with the cat questions, they're fine. If they weren't fine I'd bring that up. Enough with asking me if I've used, it was never that bad and I'm done. Let's get back to recommending PHP and calling the crisis line. Are your ears stuffed with carrots? I've multiple times said the PHP sucks and isn't helpful, and I've had such a bad experience with the crisis line that I will never call again. We've gone over this several times.
Ugh. I have so much more to say but this is getting less cathartic and more stressful.

I don’t know how you’ll respond to that email even though it wasn’t bad. I still don’t fully understand you or your ways of thinking and doing therapy. I honestly haven’t even thought much of you in the last 10 days. I guess that’s pretty good that I’m not dwelling on you the way I was with my last T.

You know, Info, when a client actually possesses enough self-awareness and honesty to say “I know I’m being grossly unfair to you,” it is really petty to respond “yes, you are.” You don’t have to disagree, or say it’s okay, but geez, don’t rub it in.

The idea of leaving anything to chance at the moment is scary for me, so I didn't accept your 'maybe' offer of an earlier appointment, but that means that Thursday feels like a destination I have to get to.

Thank you for your support when all hell broke loose, though. Speak in a few days.

I’m so angry with you right now. We have discussed how much breaks in therapy affect me. We have discussed that all of these emotions and feelings make my relationship very push-pull with you before and after breaks. We have discussed that when I’m in that ‘pull away’ mode I am likely to act impulsively and cancel the next session. We have discussed that I usually end up regretting that decision and end up crawling back to you. So why the hell would you fill my session when you know what my behaviour is. I only emailed you on Friday afternoon and then when I email you first thing this morning you tell me ‘sorry I’ve already filled your slot.’ You hadn’t even emailed me back acknowledging the fact that I asked to cancel. Are you trying to teach me a lesson? If so it’s a very cruel lesson. I feel completely rejected and abandoned. I don’t know how to deal with this anger, it makes me want to retaliate and be cruel in some way to you. I want to hurt you like you have hurt me.

OMG, I’m going to see you in person next week! 🥰

I think I can see you in person on Wednesday. If you don’t mind my huge t shirt and I also may not smell great. But you don’t seem to be the type that will judge me on that stuff. Your more apt to be concerned. Not that I care about that either. You kind of just exist to me and I don’t stress the way I used to with the last T. I don’t know if it’s because we do in person sessions. I just kinda don’t care really.

Dear T,
Sorry I'm so annoying and indecisive...and I knew I should have asked about switching to the other time slot last night. Up to you if you want to try to switch things around.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Thanks for accommodating the time shift for Monday. I'm sure that now it's going to storm and we won't be able to meet outside (or that it will storm at the new time but be fine at the old time), but I feel better having it there as a possibility. Partly because I thought maybe you were trying to deter me from meeting outside. I will do my best to not obsessively check the weather between now and then, but it won't matter till 20 minutes before the session, the way our weather can be. And maybe even if it is fine, I'll change my mind. But at least it's there as an option.

Love,
LT

Two more attempts at sleep. I hope we can talk through this physical/mental tiredness.
Of course, I also want to find out where we stand, considering that I ripped up the rule book in relation to how we communicate with one another. I never text, but that was quite something, and I needed to talk to someone who understood the implications on an emotional level as well as a more practical level.

We really must talk more about this animus stuff and I am curious as to how that relates to complexes most especially the autonomous ones. Oh and I got that book you recommended yesterday, started reading it last night. It's a short book so I'm going to try to finish it before Friday. Although I plan to swim every day after work this week so I may not have time. We'll see.

Scared to see you after a week of nonstop emailing you

Dear former T. You know how much I'm hurting. I wish you would respond to me. If nothing else, just say hang in there. Thanks, Kit

Two weeks down, one, maybe two weeks to go. Hopefully one. For me. Thinking of you more often than I would like... Hope all is as well as can be, and hope you are looking after you. I am doing my best at looking after me, it's going ok except that I still carry this cloud, this fog, the net around with me. If I look at the hand in front of my face all seems well, but if I look up, I remember and get lost in it all. Hoping to see you again soon.