Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear Possible New T,

Four days until I see you. It's starting to get real. No idea how it's going to go.

Hey T. I already regret that email I sent you two minutes ago. It feels very needy, which we both know I hate.

You said on Tuesday that you would text me this morning to let me know whether you could accommodate an extra session tomorrow. Well it’s now afternoon and I’ve not heard from you. Why have you forgotten about me? Clearly an extra session won’t happen now.

T I feel so down. I wish I could text you but it would feel a bit much after texting last night and there's nothing you can say anyway. I guess I'm just lonely and disconnected and scared.

I promised you that I wouldn't beat myself up about 'raising my voice' during session, but I'm not doing very well in that department.

I hope you didn’t think I was implying you were going to be an annoying asshole because of the trouble we had getting the meeting started. I was really referring to myself because I felt like I’d been bugging D already earlier in the week, and then again just before we were due to speak to her. I think you understood what I meant when I explained, but I was afraid I’d offended you somehow when you mentioned you were surprised I’d said it.
It was a good meeting, anyway, but we’re not too much further forward, are we?

When you asked if I wanted help straightening out my eating and I said yes I kinda meant from you. I don't want to do any inpatient programs. It's not that bad.

My hip hurts. I am dreading work tomorrow. My house plants are dying and I can't work out why. My cat was sick on the new carpet. The court case was thrown out today due to lack of evidence. The weather is cold and I have no firewood. The expensive chocolate I bought tastes ordinary. All your fault and yet you aren't helping with any of it.

Dear Info,

OK, you actually impressed me today. You even earned your pay, I think for the first time ever.

Only took almost 51 months of therapy with you...

ATAT

Hey T. Still feeling quite badly about our session, even though your email response was kind. I know I should talk about it next week, but I don't know if I can bring it up. Sigh.

I definitely have an attachment to you, but it's not at all as strong as you think it is. I kind-of wish it was.

Dear T,
I do feel more connected to you now. I partly chose that particular topic because I figured we'd be on similar pages about it (plus it's been on my mind). I feel that I chose well, and you were helpful and empathetic about it. I think talking about the Apple stuff in the beginning helped, too. And the neck/back stuff. I just really didn't want another Friday where I was feeling sad/upset about something from session and debating whether to email, like the last two Fridays.

Also good to know that you still seem open to meeting outside at some point--hopefully that will work out with your schedule/the weather before it gets too cold.
Love,
LT

Dear Ex T,

Well, I'm...... Something. Not sure what it is. Not feeling much at all really but your text really should have made me feel something I think. Thing is, I would say confused, but I am not sure I can get much more confused where you are concerned!!

You say that we can have a meeting, because your supervisor said that if you are ok with it then it's 'fine'???

You say I seem to be more accepting of the situation so may no longer wish to meet, but you have my things still, and they can't jolly well be posted really, can they!

You say to have a think about what I want from that meeting... When... Where? Well where else would we meet other than your therapy room. I mean I had thought about a walk like we did that one (or was it two) time(s), but, isn't that just a bit of a weird question?

And you ask what would be most restorative/helpful in getting my needs met. Thing is, Ex T, I'm not sure you can (or should???) be meeting my needs right now. My last email was more accepting because I had accepted that you just aren't in a position to hear me, to understand me, to accept my feelings. You'll know them, one day, and I hope one day you will be in a position to hear them, to accept them, but I'm not sure that time is now. So any meeting between is not with that in mind, for me at least.

You messed up here. I know that you had stuff happen in your life, I totally get that, the issue isn't there. The issue is that I asked you twice over the years what happens if the worst happens to you and you dismissed my question. You never had a plan. You should have had a plan. We should have had a plan. You should not have just left me sitting in the grass fending for myself.

I'm angry. Rightly angry I believe. But I don't think you are in a position to hear and understand that anger and to be able to deal with it. I don't believe there is a place for that with you now.

So what do I do? Do I continue to put it to one side and meet with you in order to get my things back and say goodbye? Or do I risk telling you how I feel?

When I sent you that email asking for what I needed, you told me you couldn't facilitate that, you couldnt work at that deep level, but in this message you say think about what would get my needs met.

I'm lost T, lost. That's why I said I needed time to think about it.

Who are you and what did you do with my amazing, reliable T.

I may need to ask you to come with me, after all. My friend will be away for a month. I mean, I could wait until she’s home again but you’ve probably noticed I’m not all that patient when I want something to happen lol. I just hope the situation with the garages running dry is resolved soon, otherwise I’ll need to wait anyway, but for who knows how long.

Dear IOP Individual T--J. Thanks for being so awesome today. I felt cared about even though you were pushing me. I think you do care about me, sometimes it is hard to feel that but today it came through. Thank you. Kit

Dear Possible New T (that's a mouthful, I hope soon you'll be just T)

Just over 48 hours until I meet you for the first time. I'm glad you gave us an hour and a half for the first session. Maybe we can keep them at that length, for that amount? I reckon I could stretch to that, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

I hope this goes well. I hope you understand me. I hope you can meet me where I am at.

I didn't reply to your email for two reasons. One, I didn't know what to say. Two, you said you wouldn't reply to emails, so I didn't reply to yours. Confused. Need to clear all of that up, hopefully on Monday. Hopefully I can show you the art journal space theme layout I did. Hopefully that will make sense.

Please don't leave me flying out in space. Please be the spaceship and most of all, please let there be a tether.

See you soon, me.

Hey E. Intense session. What about you makes me want to bawl my eyes out? Held it in, though! I feel like absolute *** right now. I feel broken. See you in two weeks.

T-I think part of why I felt so terrible in E’s office tonight was because of how I felt after our session, and me doing therapy/should i even BE doing therapy, all wrong. I hope we can resolve it next week.

Dear Ex T,

What words of wisdom would you give me here I wonder? What plan would we have come up with together? How would I approach this if I had you helping me to figure it out?

How do I feel? Nervous. I feel nervous, because I have tried so hard to find someone to work with. I have contacted so many different people and not one seems to be right for me. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want to 'scare her off'. I want her to want to work with me, I think, for two reasons. One, because it feels like my last chance. Like the last apple from the tree and you are just hoping that this one isn't a rotten one. Two, because I am hopeful. Hopeful because Old T seemed to think this one would be a good fit for me. She seemed to inherently 'get' me like no one ever has. Not even you understood me like Old T did. Right from day one, she just got it, and so I do trust her judgement here. Old T is also a very experienced T and I don't believe that she would just put me with anyone. (That said her last go at finding someone for me, all those years ago, was a complete disaster, even she saw that afterwards!)

So I am feeling hopeful too. Cautiously hopeful. But nervous. It's only natural to be nervous I guess. Maybe she will be nervous too? And I guess it is only natural to be hopeful too, given how this has all gone down and given how hard I have tried to find someone and how long it has been now. But I am not sure that these feelings being natural really helps me. It isn't the feelings I am having a problem with....

What are you struggling with then?

I am struggling with HOW TO DO THIS!?!?!? With the others it seemed easier, maybe because I wasn't so hopeful. Maybe I had known all along that none of them were right, so I didn't have this problem. I don't know how to explain that. Whilst I know that letting someone get to know me is what I need and therefore what I want, I still hate the thought of it. If I know I am not going to let them get to know me, things are easier. Knowing that they may be the first person to ever hear me talk about these things is terrifying. Because that makes the prospect of talking about them real. And that is hard. I don't want to do that, even though I know I need to and therefore I want to. It's that internal fight that you so often witnessed.

I haven't answered her questionnaire. I tried writing instead, but I either end up with nothing or a 10 page essay. Neither of which sound right. I tried to find what I had written for the other people I saw but (maybe fate played a part here) I can't find it on my computer.

This one seems different. She needs her own writing, but nothing is right. Ok, calm down, focus. Does she need to see anything at all?........

Something to think about and something to come back to. I am tired and starting to panic.

Dear Ex T,

I wish we could just hold each other, like in my dream last night. You seemed so tired, I had to support you, but in return you held me so tightly and I felt my heart warm and heal.

I love you.

it was so nice to finally talk with you. i like reflecting back with you over the past 11 years. revisiting a lot of the old times where i would have done something different (self destruct) and comparing it to now when im a fking boss babe . lol jk. but im definitely not where i used to be, and im glad you see that too and are proud of me. i bet neither of us thought id ever get here. i couldnt have done it without you, all the ups and the super bad downs, you stayed when you probably shouldnt have. anyway, thanks.

Dear Temp T,

Thank you for replying to my email. Sometimes the voice of reason really helps. I hadn't even considered asking her if we could maybe review it in a couple of weeks. I guess I just figured it was now or in six weeks time, after which time I will likely be significantly invested in the work. In a couple of weeks though I will probably be able to find the words, as I will hopefully be a bit more comfortable. I've never even met her, and for all the others that's been ok, because I didn't have the level of hope that I have here. Thank you, that seems a good idea.

Oh bollocks. I am drunk again and working early tomorrow and delivering training. I am in no fit state to train anyone in anything, unless self destruction and avoidance have become valid specifications. Why aren't you looking after me? Why can't you act upon your desire? You want to, I want you to and yet you aren't doing it. You are the worst. Or the best. Whatever. You are more likely very ordinary and I am very drunk.

Hey T. I can’t stop thinking about last session. I know it is important for me to bring up, but i am not sure i am brave enough to do it. Not to mention the fear of you having to cancel last minute. I think what happened two weeks ago is that you had a client in crisis and they took my spot. I get it, but it hurts.

i will never tell you that, though. it just sort of adds to my feeling of worthlessness. there are many other people who deserve therapy and have true pain, unlike me.

i wish i could tell you all of this, but i cannot.

M's t,
You're going to be disappointed in us but we're trying our best. Helping him find longer solutions to problems. What I would have done and what we chose to do is different but I stand by our choice. It's okay if you disagree and we can handle that. Please don't see it as enabling.

Last night's dream was....enlightening. I want to tell you about it but not sure I dare mention those details even though you're unflappable and I'm pretty certain you'd understand. Maybe I'll just concentrate on the rest and glaze over it but then it would feel like I'm omitting something important about my feelings. Ugh. Please don't think badly of me if I do tell you all of it. Please don't be horrified. I wouldn't want that in real life. At least, I don't think I would. Not in that form anyway.