Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Yo, can you get me in touch with the nurse that does the injections or have her call me later on? Our (your) CMHC has a really freakin' stupid receptionist that doesn't know how to transfer calls and I'm supposed to get my injection tomorrow and I'm starting to get psychosis symmptoms again, but I don't have an appointment so I'm kinda fked and I don't know how I'm going to pay for it either. I might just switch to haloperidol or fluphenazine because even though the side effects are way worse and haldol barely even works for me, they're cheap compared to paliperidone palmitate which has no side effects for me and works very well and will keep me out of the hospital if it were covered and I didn't have to pay $3000. Oh, and I ate a normal amount of calories over the weekend too, so go me. But seriously, get me in touch with P because the receptionist won't and I blame Sununu for how ****** all of these CMHCs are.

I don’t even know what I want from you. I think at this point it would just be nice if you could talk to me like I’ve being seeing you for 5 years instead of talking as if I’m a new client.

Dear IOP Individual T--I miss you today. Even though I will see you tomorrow. I'm just sad and stuff and I know you would dig around and try to figure out why I am sad. I don't know why. I just am. It would help if I could cry but I don't cry so I guess that isn't going to help. Thanks for letting me email you today so you know how the weekend went. I think I am utilizing the skills well. I hope I can still see you once IOP is over. I like you a lot even though you push me a lot. I'm supposed to see Dr. K in two weeks but you guys don't even compare. You're a much better T than he is. I think that would be really good if we could keep working together. Please think about it. Please. Thank you, Kit.

I am craving you.

Ugh! I know how that feels.

"I've been here forever and you're still treating me like a child."

Hi T. Please, please, please don't have a conflict or emergency on Wednesday. If I don't talk about last week with you, it will never happen. I am scared I won't be able to bring it up, as is.

Dear Temp T.

Thank you. I have been asking myself one question a lot this last week - Why am I not staying with you? Maybe you are the right one, after all. I don't know. I am so confused right now. With everything. Thank you for putting your (fairly obvious) want aside and telling me to go with whatever I think is right for me. The problem is, I don't know what is right for me. Ex T was right for me, but I can't continue with her, and so I have to find someone else. Thank you for agreeing to see me again in three weeks. I know that a lot of therapists wouldn't have agreed to that, because "it isn't ethical for a client to see two therapists at the same time" but this is different and I am grateful that you see that, and that you can put me and my needs first. I needed to know that I can come back, in order to try walking away. I was hoping that this new lady would feel so safe and comfortable that I wouldn't need to do this, but to be honest it was nothing short of a disaster, from my perspective at least.

I sent her that email, just modified ever so slightly, and I am half expecting her to take this as her chance to run away from the nutcase before she gets too involved. It will be interesting to see if she replies and if she does, what she says.

Thank you for saying I can contact you over these next three weeks too, if I need to. You really have been amazingly helpful in your own weird and wacky way, and I am grateful for you for helping me to get through this difficult time.

hi t,

i already don’t want to talk next week. what is my problem with you these days?

me

Dear T, we've not had any contact for a month now. The rational voice says you are giving me some time and space, the critical voice says you're relieved not to have to deal with me. I miss talking to you. I hope that's a good enough reason to get in touch. Yet something is stopping me. Another week of your life I've missed out on. I will regret this self-imposed exile when you're no longer around and wish I hadn't stayed away.

Sent from my TA-1012 using Tapatalk

Dear Potential New T,

I wonder if you can be the warm, supportive, caring, close person that I feel I need by my side as we take this journey. Your gentle and warm voicemail seemed so at odds to how I felt you to be in the session, which surprised me.

That said, I have to keep reminding myself that you know nothing about me yet! Maybe it will come, in time. Or maybe it won't. I don't know. I sense that you will have strong boundaries around the client/counsellor relationship, which I think will be hard for me having come from a very close relationship with Ex T. It is that closeness that helped me so much, I believe, and so I am keen to try and find that again going forwards.

I miss Ex T so much, not just because it was her, but because the way we worked together was so restorative for me. I was hopeful that you and I might be able to cultivate something similar.

I guess time will tell. See you again next week.

Me

Ps. Surely you don't need to know someone's relationship status or whether their parents are alive in order to determine whether or not you can help them. Surely. Your website said you had a special interest in trauma, but your actions speak like you haven't got a clue!!

Can’t wait for Friday again! I’m also pretty sure I found what I was looking for last night - I was going to email you but it can wait. I was just thinking yesterday what an unexpectedly wild ride this last year has been, but if I hadn’t taken the plunge and contacted you almost none of it would have happened. I’m very thankful

I love that I could tell you about my dream, especially the part I was so embarrassed about, and all you did was smile and think it was kind of funny but no big deal at all. I love even more that our relationship is such that i could tell you about it with relative ease apart from a few giggles. You really are the best!

In the gap between an email and your response, I'm always worried that I've somehow offended you. With regard to the latest email, it would be good to know whether that is the case.

Well, thanks for that. I'm so tired of there not being any damn light at the end of the tunnel.

I kinda missed transference T today. Enough to drink a mug of blue fruit tea. I hope removing my entire female reproductive system will give me some relief from these thoughts. I have my first appointment with my new T on Monday. I don’t know what to expect. I do know I’m gonna be careful with what I say. And act the same way I acted with my transference T for the first 10 months before my hormones got out of control. I think I just was too honest with my last T. Plus my med situation has been under control now for a couple weeks and my current food situation is to be expected.

In the end, I realised I was only hurting myself by emailing T, so I stopped doing it.

Hey T. Whew! I am so glad I was able to bring up last session, tonight. I am relieved to hear that you don’t think I need to quit therapy, that i am doing it wrong, or have to be a certain way. I really am going to try and hold these words in and believe you.

You really are the best!

E-I’ll miss you this week. Hope you are having fun with whatever you are doing.

Dear T,
I was thinking about it, the anniversary thing. I know I'm a different person now. That I would handle it differently (and have, for similar feelings). But I think what really affects me is the knowledge that my mind is capable of going there. And maybe it's like I *need* to remember that? So that I don't get complacent. I'm not sure if you'll fully understand, but I think I need to bring that up Friday. Kinda wish I could talk to you tomorrow, but I should be OK.

Love,
LT

T,

I thought that I had gotten the closure that I needed to move on with my life. The guilt, the anger, the fear - everything that happened during the years that I was seeing u. Going to a residential treatment facility, being yanked away from u when I needed u (not by choice), having u retire before I could come back and share with u the woman I've become. We had our problems, but there was this thought in the back of my mind that I would someday come by and see you - maybe with my kids, maybe introduce u to a significant other. I feel like I worked so hard to get where I am now and u were a piece of that journey. and now - I'm seeing a new therapist. after years, I decided to do therapy again. and she's wanting to revisit everything about u, and about us. I'm realizing that there were so many wounds that have never fully healed.

remembering everything I went through with u .... it's bringing up things inside that I thought I had moved past. I'm terrified that I'm revisiting what equates to old trauma, and this go around, I'm all by myself.

T,

I thought that I had gotten the closure that I needed to move on with my life. The guilt, the anger, the fear - everything that happened during the years that I was seeing u. I was only 15 when we met. 2 years of being desperate, scared, totally on my own if it hadn't been for uou. Going to a residential treatment facility, being yanked away from u when I needed u (not by choice), having u retire before I could come back and share with u the woman I've become. We had our problems, but there was this thought in the back of my mind that I would someday come by and see you - maybe with my kids, maybe introduce u to a significant other. I feel like I worked so hard to get where I am now and u were a piece of that journey.

and now, I'm 24. after years, I decided to do therapy again. and she's wanting to revisit everything about u, and about us. I'm realizing that there were so many wounds that have never fully healed. I'm realizing that things happened between us that have scarred me in ways that I didn't even recognize. remembering everything I went through with u .... it's bringing up things inside that I thought I had moved past. I'm terrified that I'm revisiting what equates to old trauma, and this go around, I'm all by myself

Happy National Poetry Day!

Here's my second favourite David Whyte poem, 'The Well of Grief'

The Well of Grief

Dear disastrous T,

I must admit I am surprised that three days on you haven't even acknowledged my email, even though it was you that said to send it.

None of this is going well so far... Is it!?

t,

i know i said you didn’t need to respond, but please say something anyway.

me

Dear Individual IOP T: Thanks for letting me email you this week. I know it probably wasn't what you were expecting but I figure it was time that you saw what you needed to see. Of course Zoom and cell phones and stuff aren't always clear and it's hard to show you my scars that way but hopefully you get the picture. I don't know why you think that two of them are in the same healing space. One is obviously much further along. Must be the cell phone picture. I've been thinking about the inner child stuff that you brought up and I'll try to write a letter to my inner child before tomorrow. I'm kind of scared to do it but I probably will anyway. Thanks. Love Kit