Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Hey Possible T: Thanks for texting me to check up on me and asking me if I was transitioning out of IOP yet. Thanks for telling me you though I needed more support when I transition from IOP to outpatient. I think you get me. I still want to give the other T a try because I think she might be good for me but I do appreciate you checking on me and asking if I am ready for a session. That makes me feel good. At least I feel wanted and not rejected. HUG Kit

Please can you offer some clarity over what is happening this week?

Usually therapy makes me feel like puking my guts out. But I’m looking forward to our session in the morning. I have good things to tell you.

I haven’t had the blue fruit tea or the mint aero bars in a long time. I think I’m finally at peace about her. I don’t want to feel like that again though. It was so tough to deal with and it lasted almost 9 months. But I do realize now she was not the right fit for me anymore.

I also skip the song Halls by Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness now. I was listening to it every single night until a few weeks ago because it reminded me so much of her.

I wish I could talk with you right now.

I can't do this. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to do this. Watching a drama in TV, one that I would normally have turned off by now, but this didn't crop up until the last of four episodes and a part of me does want to finish it. I can barely even watch things like this. I can barely even stand the thoughts in my head. I can't bare to have anyone look me in the eyes because I'm terrified that by looking at my eyes they will see what happened to me. I can't bare to have anyone know what happened. How am I ever going to be able to share these things with another human being face to face. How am I ever going to be able to do any of this.

When you are lovely, you are lovely.

Thinking of you this morning.

Roll on tomorrow's session. The past week has been hard.

I thought you were in your late 30’s early 40’s but you are my exact age. That kinda blew my mind and has me thinking.

Dear T,
I'm getting the sense, further supported by something you said today, that I might be rather similar in personality to your wife. Maybe that partly explains some past issues/conflicts we've had (see: countertransference), maybe not.

Also, I feel like your being late (even though you let me know), plus the focus issues of your camera, sort of threw off the session for me. It was ultimately helpful, the last part in particular, but it just felt disjointed and rather distant for the first half or so. But maybe that was partly about the stuff with your having jury duty, where I was distancing myself, I don't know.
Love,
LT

Dear Dr S.

I'm struggling and not struggling at the same time. Lots of wanting and missing, wishing we could talk - just talk. Not therapy except it is therapy. Which is why we can't talk. It is therapy because so much of my therapy is about experiencing that positive regard. You are feeling like mommy and I want you here. The struggling is just because you are not here. I wish I could figure out how to feel hereness when you are not here.

-me

Dear T,
Well, I guess today's conversation was well-timed, because D's teacher told H at pickup that she'd had a rough day, and she was going to email us. H said that I had intended to email her anyway (I'd told him about our conversation). Dreading receiving this email. Hope it won't be so bad that I'll wish we were meeting tomorrow instead of Friday...
Love,
LT

And I'm back here again. In this f@£&ing dark and horrible place. Alone. Seriously tempted to email and say I can't do this. To call it off. To go back to Temp T. At least it felt like she was there. That she cared. Right now I have no idea what I am going to do. Bet you'd be secretly glad to get rid of me anyway.

Hey T. I really don't know if I can believe you that I couldn't have created my own self-hatred and disgust. That it came from my childhood/how I was raised. It is SO hard when I have such little memory. Thanks for being you.

Dear T, I don't know what to think about the way we ended our session today. I felt good as we looked back at the progress I had made. But as I left I began wondering if you were setting me up to end our therapy sessions. I haven't felt anxiety that strong in months. You said that I could email or call you after EMDR sessions if I was struggling - but can I call you for reassurance about this?

Hi R,

I'm in a weird headspace after today's session. It was...jarring to hear that you've actually had COVID. Although I trust that you are OK, it skewed the session.



And things like that information aren't really appropriate to bring to a support group.
I feel like I'm going to need to hear you say nothing has changed between us.

Thanks,

Lost

Well, that was a lame session.

Oh, T. I thought after tonight was over, I'd feel at least a little better. Relieved, even! Except I don't. I may feel worse. What is wrong with me? Wednesday is so far off...

E. gladI am seeing you tomorrow. I need it.

I wish you'd go back to taking our sessions more seriously.

One word: BEAST

Oh man if you ever stumbled upon this forum I’d be toast.

Hey bub.. Your son is so adorable. He is so lucky to have u as a dad. 🥺🥺

Also ur hair is turning more and more gray 🥺🥺🥺

Dear T,
Don't think I'm going to tell you about that dream, though I imagine you might find a couple elements of it amusing (as I did). But I suspect it's actually about feeling validated and supported by you yesterday in talking about D. Rather than something sexual or romantic.

Hm, and I guess because I didn't hear from you last night, you will have to report for jury duty Monday. Just hope you don't get picked...

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I'm not keeping secrets from you, but it's hard to tell the whole truth when that opens a can of worms that I will have to deal with essentially on my own for now. The only reason I let myself write the letter was because I thought we'd be able to address it imminently. That hasn't happened, and the feelings that are in that document are still in me...

I don't know how to build the level of safety I need to have the conversations I want to have.

Dear Ex T,

Tuesday has come around too fast. I'm not ready. Especially after this week. It's been one of the harder weeks I've had with regards to the past, and I'm not sure I am in the right headspace to see you.

I need to go to see T tomorrow and see how that goes. And then make a call. I know you said we could reschedule if I got called in to work, and I'm sure you'd be ok with rescheduling for this too.

You're ok, you know that?