Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear IOP Individual T: Thanks for reframing that with me today. I know it seemed like it was an easy thing but just like we were saying stats is an easy thing for me but you found it hard, well reframing is a difficult thing for me, even if you found it easy. Thanks for taking the time. Love you. Kit

One short phone call T. It wouldn't have taken much effort. You knew how badly I needed to speak to you. I am so angry and distraught I don't even have the words.

I didn’t think of you today besides your couch because of that one thread I posted in earlier. I didn’t mention you to my mom either. Honestly you being the same age as me made me put up some boundaries and sometimes I just get a bit confused about how I feel about you and how I want you to feel towards me. I actually think you may be a few months younger since it’s November and my birthday is in February. Although I could be wrong and we could have close birthdays.

I guess I’m just confused and slightly weirded out. I’m not used to people my own age unless they are coworkers and even then I don’t really care for them. Also I’m wondering if you noticed that I got a bit standoffish when you told me we were the same age. Because I did. And I don’t know if I did a good job at hiding it or not. Because I noticed that you got a bit weird too when you mentioned the age thing.

I have not had any tea that came from a box in days. I do not feel like associating any type of tea with therapy the way I used to. I want some tea to help me sleep but that’s it.

My trans affirming medical doctor will most likely be raising my T dose next year and I hope my sex drive doesn’t go insane because that may affect our client therapist relationship the way it did with my transference therapist and I don’t want to be attracted to you. But it’s like we don’t choose who we’re attracted to.

Oh Ex T,

Thank you so much for the Happy Birthday text. You haven't done that in all the five years we have been working together. I'm really hoping that means that you are going to follow your heart, and be you, bravely, just as I have, and will continue to be me, bravely.

I don't think I want to be your friend. I don't think I can be your friend, but I also don't want to lose you completely, and your text makes me feel like maybe I won't. Like I said in my email.... I dont expect you to know what to say, and I don't know what it looks like, and that, it might surprise you to know, is ok for me.

I'll be respectful. I'll be gracious. I'll be patient... And hopefully I'll catch up with you in a couple of months, if I send you a text, an email or a letter.

Take care of yourself, and I will do the same too.

Bye for now.

Dear T,
No grenade yet. I think it's all stuff I needed to hear. I see how I could take the broken bone analogy the wrong way, but I get what you mean. And I think there's definitely some truth behind it. I'm trying to focus on the "acceptance doesn't mean resignation," because I'm finding that to be helpful. And the thing about "changing your battle." And some of what you said about being a parent.

I do think we need to continue the conversation on Monday. I forgot to ask if you'd still be open to meeting outside one day next week if the weather stays as forecast. I've been talking about pretty intense topics without getting particularly emotional lately (not sure if that means anything), so I think it would be OK to continue the conversation outside if needed. I think I just sort of want a do-over from the one where I saw ex-MC right in the beginning, and I doubt there will be many options after next week, when it's due to be warmer. Though I was outside for quite a while today and wasn't too cold, so maybe you could just dress really warmly?

Also, I really had to struggle not to laugh at your wearing that hoodie today. Because I'd just mentioned it to H while he was shopping on the Under Armour site last night. And sorry for actually laughing at your comment starting with, "I'm a small guy."

Love,
LT

Hi E. I do appreciate the break we took this week, even though it unexpectedly made me sad. I agree that safety is something to work on, but I just don't know HOW to create that sense.

Dear T: I really hope you come to understand me. We just started working together and I have high hopes, but it doesn't take much for them to switch. I hope you don't take it personal my want to quit therapy. It's not you, it's just the nature of how I am. I just want to isolate and forget it all. No meds, no doctors, no therapist and just go back to bed. It's taking all I got not to do that, but I am sincerely trying and want to get better but I have an aversion to change. I really hope when I see you next week, you don't make me feel bad for how I feel.

Do I want to go to every other week because of the age thing or do I want to go to every other week because I feel like I have made progress on my own so I am able to go to every other week plus I can’t actually afford to see you every week anyways? Or is it really the age thing that is just creeping me out? I know after not seeing you this week and being completely fine mental health wise I think that seeing you every other week is totally reasonable.

I feel like you don't really care about me anymore. That I don't matter.

Hi R,

Last Friday, I discovered that Willie Nelson and his sons have released a cover of George Harrison's 'All Things Must Pass'. What can I say, except..it helps?

I’m still kinda annoyed at how transphobic my last therapist was. And how she just ended things the way she did. She knew exactly what she was doing and she covered her *** so well there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t know. I mean I’ve never experienced transphobia before and for the first time for it to happen for it to be done by a therapist of all people, it just bugs me a lot. I’m thinking of writing a review although I’m not sure what that would accomplish. I’m not sure emailing her is appropriate either because she has my moms number and I don’t want her to tattle on me to my mom. I don’t want her to get the wrong bigoted idea and feel like she’s this “little girl being targeted by a big scary transgender person” and have the cops involved either. I’m just pissed and annoyed at the same time and not sure how to let it go.

To current T: the age thing is really confusing to me. I feel like if I develop feelings for you I will be very confused since I’ve never had feelings ever in my life for someone my own age. I feel like if you were a guy and my own age things would be different. And I don’t know who to talk to about this because I don’t want you to think I have crush on you because I don’t. At least not now. But I want you to know that my crushes are on women. Although sometimes I am intrigued by trans men but it’s not sexual. It’s just confusing sometimes being a trans man and liking women. Because then does that make me straight or not. But then if I do end up liking you you’d be the first person my own age I’d ever have crush on and man I’m just super confused. So if you were a cis dude especially a cis dude my own age there wouldn’t be an issue.

And that’s kinda one of the reasons my mom and I agreed to go to every other week. Although she doesn’t know that one of the reasons is that I am just super weirded out by this age thing.

Dear Ex T,

Time. Time will make this easier, for me. Time will make you less of a focus for me. Right now though, you are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. Actually, it has often been this way, and I'm not entirely sure why... Except for the fact that the love I feel for you/the relationship that we had was so fundamental to my current existence.

Anyway, I know from experience that time will lessen this 'infatuation', for want of a better word, and I will be able to see you through a slightly different lens. I kind of look forward to that day? I think.

I'm not sure if I ever will see you again. I'm not sure if I ever will contact you again, but hoping that I have that option is like a bandage to my breaking heart. (Still wish you would just say it outright though, but.... You never would and you never will... I need to just go with it and see what happens I think).

And Potential New T...

I HATE how unavailable you are... But I also know that it is probably going to be good for me. I just don't see how difficult it is to reply to that text. You either have Jenga or you don't. I need it tomorrow morning to be able to show you something, and if you don't have it I could have ordered it yesterday to be delivered today. Now it's too late and now I won't be able to show you. I text you at 8am. You can't tell me that you don't look at your phone all day and that you can't find 1 minute to reply?

I know that something may have happened that means that you actually can't. Maybe you were in hospital for yourself or family. Maybe you lost your phone. Maybe it was a child's wedding day. Maybe all sorts of things, but unavailable is something you are proving to be, and like I said, I know it might be good for me but I DONT like it.

Thank you so much for doing your best. I understand you're having a bad time too and not feeling at all well. It's just such a struggle when your needs clash so badly with mine

Dear T,

I wish we were friends in real life. I wish we had family who cared like you do. It's hard to feel "close" with anyone, but you make it easier for me to bear. I still have trust issues, as you well know, but I feel like I'm being able to open up with you - at least a little. I try to open up with some of the people in my life, but not all of them are 100% safe. So, I'm learning how to figure out which ones are safe - over time. I learn a lot of things just from our interactions alone.

Dear T,
Do I ask you to meet outside tomorrow? I haven't been that emotional lately. And I imagine tomorrow and Wednesday will be the last two options for the foreseeable future in terms of weather. And I'd rather say tomorrow in case something happens, then can switch to Wednesday (OK, it's also partly because when we saw ex-MC, it was also a Wednesday, but that was a different time). I guess I may as well ask, as I could always choose to switch back to remote if I change my mind in the morning.
Love,
LT

You don’t shop at Hot Topic or Hollister I bet do you? God I can’t get over this ****ing age thing. It’s making me question myself more then you. Today I’m dressed like a high school stoner from the 90’s. I doubt you are dressed like a skater girl since you look like a 40 year old.

Should I tell you I or will that just make you put up more boundaries and make our relationship not as good? Or get me put into an IOP?

I think it was the time change today that was causing such bad anxiety and causing everything for me to be off. Things aren’t usually this out of control. Not anymore and not during the day.

Dear Potential New T,

No idea what I'm going to say to you tomorrow. No idea at all. I tried writing something, but I kept getting lost and now it's too late and I won't have time in the morning and you won't have Jenga and I won't know what to do or say. Seriously, why am I doing this again?

Ok, I do know why.... But seriously, how!?!?! How can I do this again? What do I say to you? You have no idea who I am. You have no idea who I was. You have no idea. I have no idea.

Dear T,

I have no words that are allowed here to say it..... you don't know me at all.

Guess I'll see you Wednesday...

At least you admit that you are very boundaried. And at least you see that maybe some form of negotiation is ok here. Maybe we continue talking about that next week. I certainly do feel a little more settled believing that Ex T hasn't disappeared completely from my life, and maybe that is enough for me to feel like I can do this work with you, rather than just running out and replacing her. Maybe. It still doesn't feel all warm and squishy. Not sure you will ever feel all warm and squishy. Not sure if warm and squishy is what I need, especially going forwards.

I certainly need to grieve for that. I need to grieve for the fact that I feel this huge burden of life has now been put solely on me.

Yes, I get that that is the aim long term. For sure. I get that, but don't make it happen overnight. If it could happen safely overnight just by losing a therapist then there wouldn't be many therapists in business would there!! It takes time. It takes time and.... I don't know, your the expert... You tell me what it takes... Just don't expect it to happen overnight just because my initial support it lost.

I feel like I need an interim replacing of that. And I kind of would like that to be you, I think, just because I reckon you might be good for me long term. Please help me to find a way to 'bridge the gap' so to speak.

Dear New T,

Ok, so, taking it through with R this evening and maybe what I need is to pay you for half an hour of your time on a Thursday, so that I know when you will reply to any emails I send. And if I don't email, then it will be up to you whether to charge me or not. I think I might be able to trust you not to be greedy, but to only charge me if you felt that time was then wasted.

That way I know when you will reply. Consistency. Understanding. Safety. And it would give me the days to write about whatever I wanted to write about.

That feels better than needing two sessions a week. I prefer the longer time we have anyway, it works better for me. For sure.

I think that could be a good compromise? Negotiation.

Oh, and I was flabbergasted that you weren't horrified about the idea of Ex T and I starting in touch. WTF??? How can someone so boundaried not be outraged at the idea of that??

I think you even said you were glad that she text me on my birthday?!?! I need to ask you more about that.

Thanks for accepting me talking to you with my back to you today, while looking out of the window standing up. Thanks for not batting an eyelid about me being on the floor hiding behind the table. I hope you were asking them to clean the floor though, when we left... It really was filthy.

See you next week.

Looking forward to talking again on Friday. I have some more thinking to do before then because I want to talk about a particular why. I don't really have anything else so maybe I'll play in the sand too. Oh wait, yes I do. Almost forgot that I haven't told you about that workshop yet.


I kinda miss you and stuff.

Dear IOP Individual T. I wish you weren't having surgery, though I don't know what it's for so it might really be medically necessary. But it means tomorrow is our last session. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know I'll have another IOP individual T and she's good it's just, she's not you. HUG Kit

It's been 4 weeks. I honestly don't feel at this point I can wait another 41 hours (minimum) to see you.

I feel so miserable